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5 Sexual Fears That Science Says Are Bullshit

I don't mean to brag, but I'm something of a sexual Prius: generally adequate, disconcertingly quiet, and frequently applauded for my low, environmentally friendly emissions. I figured this combination of efficiency and proficiency makes me uniquely qualified to put together this list of facts that will get you laid. Not using firsthand experience, obviously, since I just compared myself to a fucking golf cart, but with science. Science based around sexy. That's why I scoured the Internet (well known as a hotbed of sexual innovation) and read countless studies by scientists (widely regarded as the most sexually active people in the world) to put together a modern, comedic list of scientific facts (generally considered pretty sexy, as far as I can tell) that you can use in your attempts to get your tongue inside the hot lady or dude at the end of the bar.

#5. Picking People Up Is Easier Than You Think

Andrea Chu/Digital Vision/Getty Images

The act of convincing someone to have sex with you has been mythologized to such an extent that there's an entire industry to teach you how to do it. Where I live, you can actually take classes in talking people into boning you, where a guy in what I imagine to be just the best goddamn haircut imaginable will patiently explain the art of bonery. But that's just normal behavior taken to a logical capitalist extreme: When a guy has a lot of sex, other guys will often ask him what his "secret" is, as if women are a particularly challenging video game level and Billy Bones-A-Lot is the only guy in town who managed to buy the strategy guide. If men employ this "secret," women will flock to them vagina-first, flapping their arms wildly for propulsion and screaming in erotic anticipation.

But according to science, that's not true at all: Women are people, with thinking brains and big, soft, wet lungs, and they often choose to have sex for the same reasons men do -- physical attraction, emotional connection, boredom, or even three more other things. Sorry for not linking to a study proving that women are people with thoughts and feelings -- I tried Googling it, but my laptop just told me to go outside and then started weeping openly.

In a study designed to determine the effectiveness of different kinds of pick-up lines, a bunch of scientists who are either the saddest or the suavest motherfuckers on the planet first divided the attempts into three categories: direct gambits ("Hello. Would you like to engage in some hu-man interactions?"), innocuous gambits ("Hey, what's that drink you're drinking? Is it delicious?"), and flippant gambits ("Are you an angel? Because I wanna rip off all your clothes and fuck you in my bathtub. I don't know anything about theology, which should be evident by my total willingness to engage in casual sex, an act decried by most organized religions").

Erik Snyder/Digital Vision/Getty Images
Note: I am bad at literally every type of conversation, so please don't copy
any of my pick-up lines verbatim. It will not go well for you.

Turns out that innocuous gambits -- the simplest, the least creepy, and the one that requires you to put the least on the line -- works the best on women, while direct gambits worked best on men.

On top of that, they're better for long-term relationships: Women think of men who use innocuous gambits as more intelligent and more trustworthy, which is better for getting "sexed" (as they say) more than once. But if you're more into the one-offs (as they also probably say), then don't feel bad, because ...

#4. People Don't Really Regret Casual Sex

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The usual story we're told about casual sex is that it's fun, but unfulfilling. When we wake up, we're torn apart with regret, sorrow, and other dramatic words. But the reality is that we actually feel pretty damn good after our out-of-relationship fuck times. Why? It's simple: Sleeping with someone new is exciting, and excitement usually outweighs the risk of regret, sorrow, or angst. Basically, it's like doing anything with someone new. For example:

Do you like playing music? Ever find yourself jamming with someone who can't "keep time" or "control their volume" or keeps "accidentally calling you by their mother's name"? It's not fun, right? But you take that risk, because otherwise you never would've known for sure.

This dovetails (another great sex act) nicely with something I talked about before: how casual sex is good for your self-esteem if you do it for the right reasons. Basically, bone as much as you want. More on that in a second. First I wanna point out that ...

#3. Women Remember Penises as Bigger Than They Are

Jupiterimages/Pixland/Getty Images

This is by far my favorite fact I've ever discovered, and I've been excitedly sharing it with everyone I meet for the past few weeks. So if you ran into a skinny, seductively nerdy stranger in a Denny's outside Bloomington, Indiana, who frantically told you that scientists discovered that women remember dicks as being bigger than they actually were while waving his arms all around and seeming more drunk than a person should really be at 11:45 a.m. ... then hi, and also sorry that I said that in front of your kids.

Comstock Images/Stockbyte/Getty
I feel particularly bad for teaching them the phrase "crotch cannon."

Anyway. In a study that involved both women and dicks, scientists found that if a woman fondles a dick and then tries to recall its size later, she will consistently overestimate it. So statistically speaking, if you're a guy, every lady you've ever fooled around with remembers your wangnoodle as being far more wang than noodle. By the way, this entry's mainly for the guys, and sorry for that, ladies, but hey, fellas: Do you realize what this means?

If you're a nerd and read a lot of fantasy novels, you're probably familiar with the idea that gods gain power from people who believe in them. Small Gods by Terry Pratchett is the first example of this that springs to mind, but there's also the Clash of the Titans remake, if you prefer god-awful films to great books. That's fine, no one's judging.

If we go by those rules, that means there's a god version of your penis out there that gains its powers from the memories of everyone who's ever seen your penis. Are you with me so far? If you sleep with enough women, your penis-god will gain enough power to come hang out with you, and oh what adventures you'll have. You and your cock-buddy. I know that sounds crazy, but this is real science I'm dealing with. Always remember that.

"But Sarge!" you cry, throwing your arms in the air dramatically, "what if I don't get laid? What if my flirtation fails?" Well, turns out that's not that bad, becaaaaaaauuuuuse ...

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J. F. Sargent

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