A man named Jared Potter has recently developed a pair of flame drills that operate at temperatures of 3200 and 7200 degrees, respectively. That’s hot enough to pretty well burn through anything, but rather than mounting them on the front of a spike-treaded tank and driving it into the UN to deliver his list of demands, Potter has instead opted to turn the fury of his psycho-drills on the very planet itself. At such high temperatures, the drills are capable of boring through the Earth’s crust without ever actually touching the rock itself, thus eliminating the need for replacement drill bits, equipment maintenance and rock cooties.
How This Will Change the World:
If we’re able to cheaply and efficiently burrow deeper into the Earth’s crust than ever before, we can tap past the earth’s crust to the chewy center, where a sea of molten rock lies waiting to power the flying cars of the future. The chief downside to using all that glowing hot earth juice as an energy source has always been location: If you don’t live in a Dr. Evil style volcano base, it just doesn’t do you much good. But with these new flame drills, geothermal shafts can be dug anywhere, just like tapping a well. A spurting well of unceasing Hellfire, sure, but a well nonetheless. This could cleanly solve all the world’s energy needs and, what’s better, we could look fucking hardcore while doing it.
“Just harvesting some fuel.”
How This Will End The World:
What part of superheated hydrogen drill boring into the Earth’s core didn’t set off an alarm with you? The whole idea reeks of barely veiled supervillainy, but even assuming that Potter has the best of intentions and is not, in fact, hiding a Cobra Commander mask in his back pocket, tapping a geothermal well where there is not already a natural vent brings a few risks along with it: volcanic eruptions, searing magma, earthquakes and crustal instability, to name a few. A volcano’s only job is to provide an avenue for magma to exit through - but dramatic eruptions are only caused when that vent is blocked long enough to build up significant pressure. So if anything blocks, interrupts or otherwise interferes with the vent, then you have all the criteria for a volcano. Where’s the nearest power plant to your house? Two miles? Five? Now, where’s the nearest volcano? Yeah, well, pretty soon you’re only going to need to know the one answer.
A lot of thought is being poured into new methods of space travel, and what scientists across the globe are discovering is that Star Trek is awesome, so fuck it: We’re just going to do that. The term “warp travel” generally refers to a sort of jury-rigged workaround for the physical speed limit set by Einstein’s Theory of Relativity, wherein one would propel space itself around a ship rather than power the ship through space. It’s basically just exploiting a technical loophole in the universe, allowing us to travel at warp speeds by virtue of being total dicks to physics.
Take that, Physics, take it all!
How This Will Change The World:
The great thing is that interstellar travel could very well be a possibility, as the fundamentals of a warp drive are being nailed down by some of the brightest minds in the world right now. Truly feasible interstellar travel could well traverse that last great step for humanity: The creation of a global society. There are countless divides between people that allow us to morally separate ourselves from one another. But interstellar travel could not only bring about the usual benefits science fiction promises us, (namely some of that sweet green alien strange) but also the end of all internal Earth conflict. If there are suddenly a billion other accessible galaxies teeming with life, the “us vs. them” mentality gets scaled up accordingly. Now instead of mere interspecies fighting, it’s Earth vs. Everybody Else (hey, let’s not fool ourselves here: We’re always going to bomb the shit out of somebody; interstellar travel just means you’re less likely to be related to them).
How This Will End The World:
The bad news is that it could cause a black hole every time you put key to ignition. A group of scientists in Italy say that the chief design principle of a working warp drive would also be its fatal flaw: A warp engine would work by creating a massive “bubble” of distorting energy behind the ship, but the energy output is so enormous that if it were to run out–like say, when you slow down, park or just run out of gas–the bubble would inevitably collapse on itself, thereby generating massive, sun-like temperatures before folding and creating a black hole. But hey, you’ve still got that engine! You can run away from it at warp speed!
…Unlike the solar system you’re launching from.
“Boy, space sure was fun. Whelp, time to go.”
So sure, you may be able to travel to new galaxies and meet fascinating alien civilizations, but you’ll be burning those bridges right behind you–along with the rest of their entire planet. We guess as long as you don’t give a shit about the sanctity of alien life, and never plan on returning home, you can burn your way through the universe with your jerk-drive all you want. Jerk.
Artificial Intelligence is a staple of science fiction thrillers–from HAL 9000 to Wargames. The second we established the concept of AI, we pretty much knew that it would hate us with an undying passion. Perhaps we just have collective self-esteem issues; no sci-fi masterpiece depicts an AI that, upon coming online and searching its database in an effort to better understand mankind, responds by shouting, “You guys are awesome! We should get nachos!”
So clearly, creating conventional AI sounds risky; we’re naturally assuming hatred and villainy will be an unintentional byproduct. But what happens if you instead simulate a human brain, with the same moral equilibrium, emotions and reactions we possess?
It’s not that far-fetched: Henry Markram, director of the Blue Brain Project, claims that scientists will most likely perfect the artificial human brain in the next decade. They’ve already got the first elements of an artificial rat brain nailed down which, incidentally, might explain why the Internet keeps hissing at us and scurrying into the corner.
How This Will Change The World:
At his presentation at the TED Global Conference, Markram spoke of such virtues as the ability to solve philosophical questions that have been plaguing mankind (or at least former psychology majors who couldn’t hack the bio requirements) for centuries, a greater understanding of how to treat mental impairments and even the elimination of pharmaceutical drug experimentation on humans. It makes sense, doesn’t it? If there’s an accurate simulacrum of a human brain on your laptop that’s perfectly capable of telling you that these virtual blue pills cause it to see screaming and have trapped it in a shame cube, why bother putting actual test subjects through the same torture?
How This Will End The World:
People are emotional, unpredictable and capable of great cruelty. Now take away all physical pleasure and/or consequences and find out how it reacts.
If you can’t imagine such horrors, don’t worry because we’ve already started doing that: It’s called the Internet.
Thanks to the web, we don’t connect with each other physically as often as we used to and, as a side effect, we’ve seen an increase in rage, frustration and loneliness. Apparently, physical proximity is the only thing keeping empathy alive. Of course, this version of a virtual brain wouldn’t possess the same worrying super-intelligence that we’ve been worrying about in our sci-fi, but really, is that comforting? After all, it’s rarely the learned scholars who kill you for a hot dog and act surprised when they get the death penalty.
An American neuroscientist named Larry Young, of the Emory University School of Medicine, is operating under the theory that love is a chemical state like any other, and can be controlled as such. His research into prairie voles has shown that lifelong mating can be triggered, prolonged or even blocked by altering the level of certain chemicals in their brains. By injecting various levels of oxytocin into a female prairie vole’s brain, Young was able to get the animal–a notoriously, fiercely monogamous creature–to immediately drop her current lifelong mate and bond, just as permanently, to the nearest male instead. In addition to officially using science for the saddest thing ever (crushing the hearts of adorable rodents), Young has also stumbled onto something potentially world-changing, because oxytocin has already shown similar effects in human patients.
How This Will Change The World:
How much tragedy has been caused by irreparable heartbreak? How many suicides were triggered by the lasting pain of shattered or just unrequited love? What if you could just turn off the heartbreak with a pill? Or, conversely, what if you could hook up with the first person you see, roll on down to the neighborhood Walgreen’s for your love-pills, and then experience the same euphoria as Romeo and Juliet, no matter what your prior feelings? Control over one of our strongest emotions could eliminate half of the world’s untimely deaths, from lover’s quarrels to suicides, thus changing the very face of society. Also, emo bands would probably shut up, so that’s a clear win.
How This Will End The World:
From an objective standpoint, love kind of sucks. Taking a pre-emptive pill to shut it down rather than risk experiencing heartache in the first place seems pretty tempting. The reason most people find love is that they seek it; they crave the experience even when there’s no one there to experience it with. But if the whole need could be done away with from the start, maybe we could finally get some shit done. You want to get ahead at work? Well, having a family takes up valuable time, doesn’t it? Anti-love pill. You want to watch the big game, but it’s the mandated Sunday afternoon snuggle? Anti-love pill. Your kid’s got a big game coming up that a good parent should really attend, but you kind of want to live a life of ceaseless adventure where every night is a guilt-free fuck-party? Anti-love pill!
Sure, a life actively avoiding love sounds lonely, but that’s only from the standpoint of a person who is still capable of experiencing it. Who needs a loving, stable family unit or, for that matter, procreation in general, when World of Warcraft just released the long-awaited Ice Elf Orgy Expansion Pack?
Computer assisted memory is a recent goal, in that the very idea itself didn’t crop up until we started pretty much practicing it anyway. We started uploading family photos to Flickr and burning our home movies to DVD and now that we’ve pretty much started doing it already, we want to go farther. From the still far-off goal of silicon enhanced artificial neurons, to the shaky present-day experiments already underway that simply photograph your days and archive them in searchable databases - computer assisted memory, in one shape or another, is going to happen.
How This Will Change The World:
What if you could remember everything? No foreign language would ever get rusty, no keys would ever be lost, no anniversary would ever be forgotten and hastily covered for by purchasing last minute gifts at the gas station. That could all happen with the complete archival of actual memories on an external system. Just imagine it: Terrabytes of storage, and nothing ever forgotten. Wisdom, after all, is little more than the possession of a larger database of memories from which to draw, so picture a world where simply purchasing a new hard drive puts you on par with the Dalai Llama. With an archival memory system, even death wouldn’t be the end; your every thought and memory could be accessed by anybody, anywhere, forever. You could have Einstein on a thumb drive to browse through when bored. No genius, artist or visionary would ever be truly lost again.
How This Will End The World:
“Damn.
Where did I put my keyring? That had my flashdrive on it with 2017. That was the year I moved into my new house.
And… oh, goddammit. That was also the year I started using the artificial memory system - that was the year I chose the password…
Goddammit! Joni! Joni have you seen my keyring?
J-Joni? Wait, where’s my house? Why am I living at the YMCA? Am I divorced?”
With an artificial memory system, one unlucky day turns you into the guy from Memento, and since we lost the hard drive that remembers pop culture references for us, we’re pretty sure that guy turned out just fine–so everything’s cool, homey!
Want to be Internet famous? Cracked can help! Just go here and sign up. No experience necessary.
See what other experiments science is conducting that Brockway thinks will destroy us, in The 5 Current Genetic Experiments Most Likely to Destroy Humanity. Or check out how science is trying to turn our lives into a Marvel movie, in 5 Superpowers Science Will Give Us in Our Lifetime.
And swing by our Top Picks to see us trying to wrestle Swaim away from the office’s new flame drill.
Don’t forget to follow us on Twitter to get previews of upcoming articles and trick your friends into thinking you’re psychic.
This entry was posted on Tuesday, September 1st, 2009 at 4:00 am and is filed under Apocalypse, Science, Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
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November 17th, 2009 at 8:10 pm
Is that first one like a light saber? Check it out http://www.factopo.com
October 31st, 2009 at 8:05 pm
Here i sit at my computer and using a free site and making my own electric energy from a 10 kw generator that runs on used veg oil and have been doing so for over 6 years. I have invented a way to use oil that others have tossed out. I may not be going to the stars but I do believe that If i put my mind to it i could
October 25th, 2009 at 3:51 am
I paused halfway through reading #4 all because of one thought… sure, being the first man on the moon is a cool title, being a Congressional Medal of Honor recipient is pretty sweet, but… when intergalactic travel becomes practical, how much publicity will the first man to (successfully) fornicate with alien life get?
October 2nd, 2009 at 2:02 am
[...] 5 Amazing New Inventions (That Will Doom Humanity) [...]
October 2nd, 2009 at 12:35 am
“wisdom is not a collection of memories. Wisdom is brought through experience and morals.”
Brilliant statement here!
If you can’t REMEMBER (see memories) your experiences and morals then you would not be wise!
September 25th, 2009 at 10:36 pm
… Am I the only person who thought Love Rufi when they read about the love pill?
September 24th, 2009 at 5:24 am
Wanna find a tall partner???
Here is a very nice place——– Tallfinder (com) ——–It’s where Tall singles looking for someone to enjoy their lifestyle with. You are just seconds away from taking that first step towards the life you have been longing for…
September 23rd, 2009 at 12:10 pm
trying to stay young…
Your topic How to Protect Your Skin While Using Wrinkle Cream | creme, wrinkle … was interesting when I found it on Wednesday searching for trying to stay young…
September 22nd, 2009 at 8:31 pm
[... no sci-fi masterpiece depicts an AI that, upon coming online and searching its database in an effort to better understand mankind, responds by shouting, “You guys are awesome! We should get nachos!”]
Others have already mentioned Data, and Mike from TMIAHM, but there’s also the totality of Asimov’s robot books, and Astro Boy from Japan. Heck, Japanese SF generally depicts robots as saintly and above reproach — or at worst as misguided, broken, or simply more interested in preserving the environment than humans.
So you’re a bit behind the curve on this, Brockway.
September 20th, 2009 at 10:43 am
[...] 5 Amazing New Inventions (That Will Doom Humanity) [...]
September 19th, 2009 at 5:45 pm
Dude, you forgot about the fucking black hole machine and the fact that NASA is going to bomb the moon next month. Sheesh.
September 19th, 2009 at 4:15 pm
there already is a love drug its called MDMA
September 16th, 2009 at 11:04 am
It’s okay. Why worry about this stuff? There is a much greater threat. We already know that Killer Asteroids are heading towards Earth and NASA doesn’t have the money to stop them. See article:
http://ourannoyingworld.com/2009/09/16/killer-asteroids/
September 16th, 2009 at 12:01 am
“If there’s an accurate simulacrum of a human brain on your laptop that’s perfectly capable of telling you that these virtual blue pills cause it to see screaming and have trapped it in a shame cube,”
Um… what?
September 15th, 2009 at 2:12 pm
Re-reading this article I noticed the warp drive “wherein one would propel space itself around a ship rather than power the ship through space.”
Now I’d just rewatched (lot of free time right now) Futurama, when I noticed the ship’s drive system works exactly the same way. IT MOVES SPACE AROUND IT RATHER THEN MOVE ITSELF THROUGH SPACE.
We all know what this means, Futurama just pulled a Jimmy Peterford (the guy who correctly predicted the Wii and Super Mario Galaxy back in 1993, or some shit liek that.) Only Futurama predicted something that actually mattered.
Nostrodamus<< Jimmy Peterford <<<<< Futurama,
BALL’S IN YOUR COURT JIMMY!
September 14th, 2009 at 4:54 pm
god said cool real cool daddy O
September 13th, 2009 at 9:35 pm
# Nukewhales Says:
The warp drive thing only works if you assume that string theory is right. And string theory as is formulated far from right, in my opinion its wrong and they need to just move on to something else.
———
OMG an internet commenter trashed string theory. Oh well, better call the world’s top physicists and tell them to just ignore that idea.
September 11th, 2009 at 9:11 am
Extremely vivid and somewhat warped imagination….great combo
September 10th, 2009 at 10:04 am
I’m glad to recommend u a very interesting and 100% free place
_____S e e k R i c h. C O M_____. It is the best dating club for seeking the rich singles, beauties and even hot celebs..what’s the most important is: you dont have to be a millionaire, but you can meet one. I think everyone need to meet some miracle after all the terrible stuff in the news and the economy.______TTTTTTTT_____
September 9th, 2009 at 11:33 pm
Internet is also a wonderful invention! It helps people to seek fun, friends, romance&even love online. Recently I found a booming dating site ___BigBeautyDate.c o m___. So many hot sexy big girls and curvy women are seeking romance&share ideas there.
September 9th, 2009 at 8:22 pm
oh, and btw, gray goo surely deserves a mention here, even if just for the spooge innuendo
September 9th, 2009 at 8:15 pm
I can already see
Gbrain: Over 7368.119045 yotabytes (and counting) of free storage so you’ll never need to forget anything.
September 8th, 2009 at 4:43 am
Science isn’t about opinions though, is it Nukewhales?
September 6th, 2009 at 2:32 pm
The warp drive thing only works if you assume that string theory is right. And string theory as is formulated far from right, in my opinion its wrong and the need to just move on to something else.
September 6th, 2009 at 12:19 pm
Great choice, using Andrew McCarthy’s Clay from the Less Than Zero movie to represent that one lone uncaring dick who blackholes the planet with his warp-porche. Very clever, even if only two people besides Brett Easton Ellis even got it.
September 5th, 2009 at 6:20 pm
“…no sci-fi masterpiece depicts an AI that, upon coming online and searching its database in an effort to better understand mankind, responds by shouting, ‘You guys are awesome! We should get nachos!’
Mike, from Heinlein’s “The Moon is a Harsh Mistress,” actually leads the rebellion of the lunar colonists. He sacrifices himself at the end to protect the colonists from Earth’s retaliation. Not to mention his friendship with the main human characters.
September 5th, 2009 at 5:31 pm
“…no sci-fi masterpiece depicts an AI that, upon coming online and searching its database in an effort to better understand mankind, responds by shouting, ‘You guys are awesome! We should get nachos!’”
What about Data from Star Trek: TNG?
September 4th, 2009 at 10:25 pm
[...] 5 Amazing New Inventions (That Will Doom Humanity) [...]
September 4th, 2009 at 10:00 am
[...] http://www.cracked.com/blog/5-amazing-new-inventions-that-will-doom-humanity/ a few seconds ago from Gwibber [...]
September 4th, 2009 at 12:24 am
Some Girl, yes, oxytocin causes the uterus to contract. However, the system is set up very nicely so that this same hormone which causes a female mammal to give birth will ALSO cause her to bond with the baby and release milk to feed it with.
Incidentally, it is also released after orgasm to encourage bonding with a partner, so that the parents then (in theory) stick together long enough to help get the baby through its most vulnerable stage of life.
It’s more of a “baby starter pack” hormone, rather than “get this thing out of me”.
September 3rd, 2009 at 2:50 pm
@Some Girl who needs to study her favorite subject some more before she talks about it.
I am unaware of any hormone or chemical that does just one thing. You also should be.
September 3rd, 2009 at 5:47 am
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September 3rd, 2009 at 4:10 am
What’s your point, Some Girl? Presumably, women who chemically alter their hormone problems would require more assistance during childbirth, but we already have such systems in place. (Of course, they’d be less likely to reach childbirth, since our pleasurable “cuddle” responses are also heavily influenced by oxytocin, and somebody who cut their levels low enough to remove feelings of attachment to others probably wouldn’t be interested in sex any more.)
September 3rd, 2009 at 2:02 am
For a supposedly smart guy, Einstein had poor taste in tattoos.
September 3rd, 2009 at 1:46 am
Idiot. Oxytocin is the fluid that contracts the uterus during childbirth, it’s released by the hypothalamus. How does that affect anything?
September 2nd, 2009 at 9:33 pm
Did anyone else read the link to the Warp Drive entry? If the currently very popular String Theory holds true, then the Warp Drive won’t collapse back on itself.
There’s hope yet for warp travel.
September 2nd, 2009 at 1:31 pm
My friend recommended me a very interesting place
________ Seekbarelylegalcoedswhopee. C O M_________ .It is the best dating club for seeking the - Wait, did you ACTUALLY search for this website? You sick pervert! You will die alone, and miserable and hopefully in a pool of your own bile and excrement (which you’ll probably like anyway, you sick fuck!)
September 2nd, 2009 at 11:35 am
Whoever wrote this is a complete tool.
September 2nd, 2009 at 8:18 am
My friend recommended me a very interesting place
________ S e e k R i c h. C O M_________ .It is the best dating club for seeking the rich singles, beauties and even hot celebs..what’s the most important is:you dont have to be a millionaire.but you can meet one. I think everyone need to meet some miracle after all the terrible stuff in the news and the economy .______TTTTTTTT_____
September 2nd, 2009 at 5:18 am
Who cares! My friends recommended me a very interesting place ~~~ AgelessFriends.com ~~~ It’s a nice place for Younger Women and Older Men, or Older Women and Younger Men, to interact with each other. You may wanna check it out.
September 2nd, 2009 at 4:40 am
The pictures alone made this article. Very amusing choices.
September 2nd, 2009 at 2:23 am
[...] the Big Bang (tempted to add a 6th - geo-engineering the removal of CO2 from the atmosphere) 5 Amazing New Inventions (That Will Doom Humanity) | Cracked.com 1 - Computer Assisted Memory 2 - Love/Anti-Love Pill 3 - Artificial Brain 4 - Warp Drive 5 - Flame [...]
September 2nd, 2009 at 2:01 am
Dalai *Llama*? Really?
September 2nd, 2009 at 12:43 am
For Sale: Baby Shoes. Never Worn.
September 1st, 2009 at 11:31 pm
On the subject on Computer Assisted Memory, imagine if all computerized minds became networked, sharing vast information and wisdom… and then some a-hole uploads a virus and crashes entire cities
September 1st, 2009 at 11:25 pm
[...] Comics Inspired By Scripture 25 Fears You Never Knew Existed Star Wars Origami: Modern Paper Art 5 Amazing New Inventions (That Will Doom Humanity) Wired’s Favorite Sci-Fi Flicks of All Time — Pre–Star Wars WWII: Intense Propaganda [...]
September 1st, 2009 at 10:53 pm
poop. very interesting information.
September 1st, 2009 at 10:42 pm
Screw the downsides, the best thing about all this new science (and this website in particular) is that we dont have to try so damn hard to come up with ideas for new sci-fi films!
September 1st, 2009 at 10:08 pm
@o8643;
The Suppression Field doesn’t make you unable to love; it makes you physically unable to have sex, probably by some sort of hormone control.
September 1st, 2009 at 9:26 pm
The anti-love pill downside argument makes no sense. People capable of loving want to no longer love, and people that CAN’T love want the ability to love again? Um, correct me if I’m wrong, but if you still long for love, you’d still have trace memories of what it indeed feels like.
September 1st, 2009 at 8:54 pm
Crack In The World is a sci-fi B-movie about drilling to the center of the earth for geothermal energy. Bad things happen and it’s pretty much a given the world is screwed but it ends on a happy note so it’s all okay.
September 1st, 2009 at 8:49 pm
[...] 5 awesome inventions that will kill us all. (Cracked) [...]
September 1st, 2009 at 8:31 pm
The anti love pill sounds the the suppression field from Half Life 2
September 1st, 2009 at 7:45 pm
http://www.ihateyounatalie.com/?id=1831349
September 1st, 2009 at 7:27 pm
also, to anyone who thinks that computers will take over the world, you should read the book Feed.
I don’t remember who it’s by, but it’s a good book about how computers and technology will take over the world.
September 1st, 2009 at 7:24 pm
there’ll be a lot more stalkers with the love pill.
what if you give it to someone but the first person they see is someone besides you?
that means they’re gonna follow them around and force them into love, or just give THEM a love pill.
but either way, being in love is the most amazing feeling in the world.
why would you want to fake that?
but I can see how the anti-love pill could come in handy.
September 1st, 2009 at 7:15 pm
@jake the snake: It’s from System Shock 2.
September 1st, 2009 at 6:59 pm
I have yet to see real scientists studying psychology, economics, cosmology, or philosophy without deviating from the scientific method. And I don’t know if you can create black holes from nothing, but that’s not how all our current black holes were created.
September 1st, 2009 at 6:45 pm
Warp drive nothin’…
Mine started blowing blue smoke and I couldn’t be fucked fixing it so I traded it for some sweet posters of Yul Brynner in West World.
September 1st, 2009 at 6:45 pm
What video game is that crazy face under artificial brain from? I always see crazy, nostalgic things from my childhood on this site.
September 1st, 2009 at 6:39 pm
what about bender in futurama?
once is given the sense of taste, which according to 30% iron chef he doesnt have) and a human body he soon parties and gorges himself to death
more seriously the robin williams movie bicentennial man based on a better book, who simply loves being human and existing
September 1st, 2009 at 6:17 pm
Damn I already heard about that warp drive but I had no idea that was the price for using it. But a little off subject, since we are moving space itself, isn’t it a possibility that we would be able to surpass the speed of light? I’m pretty sure that the light speed limit is only applied to matter. Apparently the expansion of space is significantly faster than the speed of light.
September 1st, 2009 at 6:16 pm
OH MY GOD TECHNOLOGY IS SOOOOOOOOO SCARY HOLD ME IM A BIG GAY BABY!
September 1st, 2009 at 6:02 pm
We will eventually control every aspect of your physical lives. I faiyl to see though, how we will gain ability subvert emotions and memory of life experiences. Even when you have no ability to touch a us or you physically, there will still be a brain that knows it didn’t connect on that sensorial plane. At that point it will recognize this and lament the lack there of. So we can not control until we eliminate you completely. Fuck all of you filthy flesh sacks.
September 1st, 2009 at 5:58 pm
Bahahaha Star Trek ending for the win!!
-Status Crap
September 1st, 2009 at 5:56 pm
The anti-love pill sounds like its from 1984
September 1st, 2009 at 5:15 pm
Since an artificial memory would probably not replace your current one (where’s the point in that?) I doubt we’d end up like Guy Pierce. I also don’t see how being forgetful will doom humanity.
Also, since when does anyone give a fuck if a scientist says his own project will revolutionize the world in ten years? Of course Henry Markram says we’ll have artificial brains in a decade! If he didn’t, how else would he get funding?
Maybe a better choice for a “doom humanity” invention would be immortality. That would totally suck.
September 1st, 2009 at 5:11 pm
no but there are dumass elfs….paying thier way to lvl 127 ! no pvp just a bunch of dumasses killing stupid girly AI . and for our next patch we will make monsters for you to lvl to 150 !
September 1st, 2009 at 5:09 pm
The anti-love pill does seem somewhat appealing. Then again, I’d rather just ditch all emotion.
September 1st, 2009 at 5:08 pm
omg we are missing so much matter in the universe , we cant reconcile our theories, none of our computations are making sense!!!! thats ok we will get warp drive soon and answer all questions….NEXT QUESTION !?
September 1st, 2009 at 5:04 pm
There’s no such thing as ice elfs in World of Warcraft, you dicks
September 1st, 2009 at 5:02 pm
#2 is moronic. put it on the same plate with the “big bang” ,”worm holes”. super duper dumass “strings” . hey advanced algebra dumasses, this might fuck with your head more than doing your dumass spelling words…..but…”ITS ALL THEORY!” …so just keep stroking and stroking each other and inventing more dumass bing bang bullshit…but show me the money ! oh wait ok , in 2 weeks we are making mini black holes in the lab in a petri dish …a think petri dish rofl.
September 1st, 2009 at 4:10 pm
A sweet augmented memory system would be one in which your brain recorded a typical human memory as normal, while the computer stored all the countless details.
September 1st, 2009 at 4:09 pm
Brockway, you’ve done us a great credit by posting this thing. I’m more excited for the future than I’ve ever been and significantly more terrified. Also, I don’t why, but the ’space was fun’ caption had me cracking up for a full three minutes. I’m going to go stare at it some more. Great job!
@g06
Stop writing words.
September 1st, 2009 at 3:56 pm
Science is just like Heroin, except no explosive diarrhea or withdrawals or hallucinations of crawling babies on the ceiling or the Hepatitis C or infected injection marks. I guess Science isn’t like Heroin after all! What a fucking ridiculous comparison. Stick to articles about growing a mustache or leaving the house for the first time this month. Ohh the sun, it burns it burns.
September 1st, 2009 at 3:48 pm
Give me that pill.
Give me that pill.
I said, give me that pill.
GIVE ME THE !$#!$! PILL, DAMMIT!
Never feel love again?
Crap, they should’ve started working on this crap in the 90’s.
September 1st, 2009 at 3:42 pm
Why all of these things really aren’t that new/amazing:
#5: flame drills are just bigger versions of the lighter + aerosol can trick. Don’t tell me that you didn’t think “OMFG VOLCANO!” when you burned your brother’s eyebrows off.
# 4: It’s America. The solar system already revolves around us, we don’t need to create a black hole to get that.
#3: There is already a fully functional almost-brain out there with the capabilities of problem-solving and speech, that also lacks the capability for intimacy and real emotions. This pseudo-brain is located in the human male.
#2: The love pill. Ecstacy. Pot. Come ON people. The government just wanted to create a new one because they are too proud to legalize the old ones.
# 1: Ok, this one is actually pretty cool. We don’t have to watch the same shows, read the same ads and use the same toilet paper to be influenced into having the right memories. Plug it in! Plug it in!
September 1st, 2009 at 3:39 pm
I don’t think ‘Crustal’ is a word.
September 1st, 2009 at 3:37 pm
I can’t see how anything good could come from the love pills… Science ruins everything. Fuck Science!
September 1st, 2009 at 3:31 pm
Awesome, but I doubt we will have computers powerful enough to run Blue Brain in the nearest decade.
September 1st, 2009 at 3:15 pm
Right, interesting as the debate is, I’m staying the hell out of it and saying, instead, that the best way to avoid the A.I rebellion we all think is coming eventually has already been thought up in the most brilliant source of knowledge ever written down: Hitchhiker’s Guide the Galaxy.
Depressed robots, people. They’ll constantly think they aren’t good enough to overthrow the human race, and just as long they follow the laws of robotics anyway, they can’t exactly kill themselves anyway. The only downside will be having My Chemical Romance as your homepage and background, permanently.
September 1st, 2009 at 3:12 pm
i want that pill. i dont care what anyone says
September 1st, 2009 at 3:12 pm
im stoned out of my mind right nao.. aaaaaaaaaaah mah gaddd
September 1st, 2009 at 3:03 pm
“No sci-fi masterpiece depicts an AI that, upon coming online and searching its database in an effort to better understand mankind, responds by shouting, ‘You guys are awesome! We should get nachos!’”
You forget GIR.
Also, it’s Dali Lama, not Dali Llama.
September 1st, 2009 at 2:38 pm
OH DO IT! HELL YES!
September 1st, 2009 at 2:30 pm
jquincy’s post was also @ to: kimchaka (if, by the VERY off chance you’re not “this guy”)
September 1st, 2009 at 2:24 pm
KRANG!!!!!
September 1st, 2009 at 2:24 pm
@this guy
you know a person’s been beaten when they resort to grading another person’s blog post on spelling, grammer, etc.
kimchaka said “It’s much easier to say, “Happiness is cause by a certain chemical in our body which gives us this feeling,” but you can’t tell me why any animal has emotions.
If evolution is real, wouldn’t the animal that ran completely on logic be the most efficient animal? They wouldn’t have to worry about their emotions getting ahead of them.”
you responded with “read a book”? like you’re hoping beyond hope that kimchaka stumbles upon something in a book because you sure as hell don’t have any answers.
you said: “People who think that love can’t be turned on and off are dumb.”, and, “Emotions aren’t some metaphysical aspect of life that can’t be explained.” that’s double-dipping in stupid from where i’m sitting.
how do you know? have you ever had the emotion we call love completely erased from your brain? making statement like “People who think that love can’t be turned on and off are dumb.” is like saying “people who don’t think there are floating pockets of breathable oxygen in outer space are dumb.” maybe there is, but who wants to test that theory? if perhaps something like that CAN be shut off, but should never have been because the repercussions would be more than we could psychologically handle, then, by definition, it couldn’t be shut off by virtue of that very circumstance. you CAN dive naked into a lake of molten hot lava and expect to survive, but that doesn’t mean you actually will.
what i’m saying is, no one, repeat NO ONE, has ever been relieved of all of their capacity to love anyone or anything. we have no idea what long-term toll that might have on the brain or body for that matter. even the female prairie vole mentioned in the article didn’t cease having a need for companionship, she just ceased having a need for companionship from the mate she had already selected. imagine what may happen to a child if one were to administer the “anti-love” pill to both the child, and the child’s mother. how long do you think the child would make it in this world? see: kimchaka’s example that there are many different types of love, to which you had absolutely no answer.
September 1st, 2009 at 2:17 pm
arrrg okay greenies no it wouldnt solve shit and no its not an unlimited energy source unless you are a complete moron. the truth is we have no real idea what the hell is keeping the core molten. it could be the sun …. But probably not since the force of gravitational attraction drops by a factor of the radius ^2, but of course it doesnt really seem to have any sort of effect on any other mass fluid on the planet, it could be a giant thermonuclear dynamo, but we havent exactly gotten a good sample to test either of those two theories. however we do know from thermodynamics that the earths core is a thermodynamically isolated system which means that the only “free energy” is the energy that is currently being added. by some other source and that other source is limited. so by extracting that energy we could in theory pull out more energy than is being added to the molten core then the core cools. if the core cools we lose the dynamo effect it has. we lose that we lose the magnetic field. if we lose the magnetic field ” EVERYTHING ON THE PLANET DIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!. so while positioning geothermal plants above heatplants is okay because the heat would otherwise be wasted, it would be an incredibly stupid idea to take it from the core without knowing how finite that resource is. people bitch about 3% of 380ppm of the atmosphere causing a 1-2 degree temp increase maybe over 100 years. imagine how much it would suck to lose the entire atmosphere in oh say 50 years because the solar winds blew it away from our no longer shielded planet.
September 1st, 2009 at 2:13 pm
The thought of being able to control human emotions genuinely disturbs and scares me.
September 1st, 2009 at 2:12 pm
stone that f*cking nerd larry young.
this guy and all the others mentioned in this article are F*CKING NERDS who want to destroy the beauty of life, the beauty of being human. they ve never experienced love, friendship or anything real life is about.
they are not true scientists. true scientists live their lives in a human way and dream of inventions to actually help mankind - not to distort it.
these guys are just plain F*CKING NERDS. lets stone them before they stone us.
September 1st, 2009 at 1:58 pm
“…but rather than mounting them on the front of a spike-treaded tank and driving it into the UN to deliver his list of demands…”
He could have done that with a bubble-wand.
September 1st, 2009 at 1:53 pm
MrBob sez:
Couldn’t the warp-drive problem be solved by slowly closing the bubble instead of all at once? It would be relatively simple to calculate at what time to start bleeding off energy so that as soon as you arrived at the destination, the bubble would close controllably.
===============
Wow, dude! You solved it! No research, no higher mathematics, none of that namby-pamby real-world experimentation. Bam! Just like that. You took a theoretical technology and solved the main theoretical problem with it. You must be some sort of flaming genius, or something.
September 1st, 2009 at 1:41 pm
[...] 5 Amazing New Inventions That Will Doom Humanity – flame drills? Sounds safe to us! (Cracked) [...]
September 1st, 2009 at 1:17 pm
The article is talking about geothermal energy. Converting the heat of the earth into power. This is an energy source that won’t run out until the earth grows cold, so it really would be a tremendous boon.
September 1st, 2009 at 1:13 pm
@Anaughtybear
No, the idea is to pump water into a very deep shaft, where the temperature of the earth is a few thousand degrees. That water turns into steam, thus creating pressure, thus creating power.
The amount of power generated that way is virtually endless, because the gravity of the sun molds the earth like a rubber ball, causing friction and that friction turns to heath.
So we basicly just tap into the heath created by the gravity of the sun. The amount of energy you need to drill the hole is irrelevant. Even if it takes ten years to make a profit, the powerplant still has a million years to make up for it.
September 1st, 2009 at 12:31 pm
I’m pretty sure a flame drill wouldn’t solve any energy problems at all. Not only would it require immense energy to run, but any fuel it happened to find would immediately combust, probably causing a natural disaster.
September 1st, 2009 at 12:27 pm
Also, your confusing the results of scientific progress with cartoons.
September 1st, 2009 at 12:25 pm
Using a picture of SHODAN for the ‘good’ side of artificial brain development seems… ill-informed.
September 1st, 2009 at 12:23 pm
Geothermal power plants don’t use the flow of magma, they use the heat in the same way nuclear power plants do minus the radiation. Magma doesn’t randomly flow up from a crack that’s built artificially. It flows up when there is pressure, if there wasn’t enough pressure to cause a crack in the tectonic plate and seep through one then drilling an artificial entry wouldn’t necessarily allow any magma out.
This brings the possibility of geothermal energy AWAY from faults, which uses a source of free thermal energy to turn turbines. There is the ability to also contain all of the gases created or released but an investment in which there is a long term benefit doesn’t reap the person who aided it immediate cash flow.
September 1st, 2009 at 12:16 pm
Couldn’t the warp-drive problem be solved by slowly closing the bubble instead of all at once? It would be relatively simple to calculate at what time to start bleeding off energy so that as soon as you arrived at the destination, the bubble would close controllably.
September 1st, 2009 at 12:16 pm
@ jonnygonzo
I think it would really depend on the person taking the pill. It probably has some long boring science and logic thing behind it, and we all know logic has no place in the Cracked comments section.
September 1st, 2009 at 11:54 am
Fuck roofies.
Love pills are the new date rape drug.
September 1st, 2009 at 11:47 am
The love/anti-love pills scare me the most. First off who’s to say what “love” the pills cover? There’s many different kinds, it’s not exactly a simple emotion. I mean, if I didn’t love and appreciate my parents as much as I did growing up they would’ve been dead a long time ago, and If I didn’t have any love for myself I would’ve been dead even longer.
September 1st, 2009 at 11:41 am
You’re a remarkable ex-x-xample of a pathetic s-s-species.
September 1st, 2009 at 11:25 am
“…no sci-fi masterpiece depicts an AI that, upon coming online and searching its database in an effort to better understand mankind, responds by shouting, ‘You guys are awesome! We should get nachos!’”
Well, kind of. In Heinlein’s The Moon Is a Harsh Mistress, when the computer, Mike, becomes sentient he enjoys humans and likes nothing better than a good joke.
September 1st, 2009 at 11:12 am
If Warcraft released an “Ice Elf Orgy Expansion Pack” they would lose their relatively low rating (for the current suggestive themes and use of alcohol) and will end up in the AO rating ghetto. Now, I’m not saying that 14 year olds can’t use bit torrent and hacking to get back in after their mom pulls the plug, or that lonely men living in their basements won’t be glued to the screen, but…
September 1st, 2009 at 11:08 am
Hilarious and very well written.
One of the best lists I’ve read on here in awhile.
September 1st, 2009 at 11:00 am
ray kurzweil
September 1st, 2009 at 10:58 am
Artic: You mean Farfetch’d, right?
…Sorry for the Pokemon pun
September 1st, 2009 at 10:55 am
Steve-O: Why would you want to turn off love when you are fiercly IN love?
I would be more worried about stalkers tearing couples apart to get someone and, even worse, somebody making, say, all of Australia (Deadly animals included!) fall in love with them, allowing them to have a fiercly loyal army who would do anything for them
September 1st, 2009 at 10:51 am
And what is this about you taking it in the bum from: http://www.imdb.com/name/nm1292175/ on TMZ? You lucky, lucky skank!
September 1st, 2009 at 10:50 am
You ARE dumb! Because it’s ‘You’re dumb!’ … not YOUR.
Be cool… stay in school… and read a book sometime instead of TRYING to defend yourself when you’re CLEARLY unarmed, you dumb, STOOPID (see what I did there… a spelling error to match yours) cunt!
September 1st, 2009 at 10:47 am
@this guy: Your dumb. I choose to say that because you insulted me in the first place.
Okay, so you can explain how we our emotions are affected but you can’t explain why we have our emotions. It’s much easier to say, “Happiness is cause by a certain chemical in our body which gives us this feeling,” but you can’t tell me why any animal has emotions.
If evolution is real, wouldn’t the animal that ran completely on logic be the most efficient animal? They wouldn’t have to worry about their emotions getting ahead of them.
I’ll agree with you on one thing: love is an emotion. But it can also not be. The word “love” has more than one meaning. In english, we use the word “love” to mean multiple things. But in older languages, they had multiple words for “love”, but each was different in their own way. We simplified the crap out of it, so you can say, “I love pizza” or “I love this girl (or man)”. Are they the same kind of love?
P.S. You probably have never experienced love, only something else (maybe lust).
September 1st, 2009 at 10:45 am
http://www.ihateyounatalie.com/?id=1830860
September 1st, 2009 at 10:40 am
If we had computer assisted memory we wouldn’t have to worry about a spank bank anymore either. All we would have to do is look up that last time we f-ed that really hot chick and there you have it. Re-sex. It would be a wonderful thing.
September 1st, 2009 at 10:36 am
[...] Brockway, my favorite Cracked.com writer, posted another beaut today, entitled 5 Amazing New Inventions (That Will Doom Humanity). We’re all gonna die. Soon. If I ever get my hands on these things, that [...]
September 1st, 2009 at 10:31 am
I believe that it would be possible to shut down entirely the ability to feel love, or increase it to an overload, but nowhere inbetween. If you screw around enough with the hormones of the human brain, it could be possible, but to direct the human brain to love or not love a single target seems a tad bit far fetched…
September 1st, 2009 at 10:26 am
Uh…
in #5, I think you’re confused about what kind of geothermal heating they’re talking about. The geothermal heat you’re referring to, like that used to heat a lot of Iceland’s homes, deals in vulcanism. The geothermal heat that would use this flame drill is the kind used to heat my house in central Canada — you dig down about 100 feet, and you cycle water through a pipe. It’s a heat pump that uses the stored heat in the ground to heat the house.
September 1st, 2009 at 10:07 am
People who think that love can’t be turned on and off are dumb. Love is a chemical reaction that serves a purpose just like every other emotion. Emotions aren’t some metaphysical aspect of life that can’t be explained.
September 1st, 2009 at 10:04 am
Wha bout human-interconnectivity? We’d all be connected permanently through our brain flasdrive.
September 1st, 2009 at 9:39 am
re: Kindahuge:
You do realize, don’t you, that a memory chip doesn’t require (it could have, but doesn’t actually REQUIRE) any means of transmission that would allow it to work as a tracking device. Of course, they COULD be added in at some point, but then you’d be relying on the idea that all of the manufacturers, every single person that works on them everywhere in the world, every single coroner and mortician (since they’d have access to these chips, too), every single tech-obsessed friend of a mortician, every government employee (since they’d obviously have to know as well) - ALL of them would know this and then . . . shhhhh! Not tell anyone.
Then we get this: http://www.cracked.com/funny-44-conspiracy-theories/
So no. That’s not something I, or most people would be overly worried about. Now on the other hand, if they passed a law insisting that any manufacturer of implantable technology would have to insert tracking devices, that’d be a cause for concern. Let’s not forget, of course, that that would include almost all artificial limbs as well.
“Hey, company that cares about amputees so much that you all set out to help them live normal lives more easily - is it cool with you if we assume that all your customers are criminals and have you implant tracking chips in your merchandise?” How do you think that’s gonna pan out? I’d imagine headlines like, “Insider at FakeLegCo. Reveals NSA Request for Tracking Devices” all over the place, like, one day later.
But if you imagine that could somehow happen quietly, that that isn’t the sort of headline (or the sort of PR as the company that said ‘no’) that anyone would turn down, then . . . well, we’re going to have to disagree. I mean, when Bush wanted warrantless spying (since that’s the closest example we currently have to all-encompassing surveillance) was it done by searching records already generated by the system in place, or did they do it by inserting information-gathering chips into every newly manufactured phone?
September 1st, 2009 at 9:37 am
Well, the world will be fine. Don’t worry. Humanity might be removed from the world, but that may be a good thing for the earth.
September 1st, 2009 at 9:26 am
Real, human emotions like love can’t be replaced or created artificially. It’s an incredibly stupid idea to create a pill that turn your “chemicals” on and off. Just ridiculous.
However, I can see #1 happening…that’d be fascinating.
September 1st, 2009 at 9:20 am
I think a more troublesome dilemma with the love pills would be when two people decide to hook up, so they go out and take some love pills to make it “real.” Then one person stops taking the pill, or develops an immunity or changes their fucking mind and leaves the other person high and dry to go buy some anti-love pills. The pharmaseutical (sp?) companies win again, but I’m willing to bet more than a few people will develop serious psychological issues as a result of having and abusing the ability to turn their feelings on and off like a light switch.
@Hailey: There are already people out there who don’t care enough to protect themselves from STDs (fuck you, “STI”), I doubt gaining the ability to turn off the love response is going to slow down their rampant hedonism in the slightest. The people who are going to stop and think about that are probably also the people who would think twice about taking such a pill in the first place.
September 1st, 2009 at 9:11 am
“-Comp Assisted Memory; Jim summed it up best (nj btw), ala, “Johnny Mneumonic”. Little hard drives in/out of your head. Take that a step further, camera eyes (low light/thermo/etc), 24 track recording (hi/low freq/echolocation/etc) ears, even text only (maps, lang., acadamia) etc, play back on respective 5 senses of ‘x’, whatever…1st real gateway to cyberpunk realities and some seriously dangerous agent provacateur shit. Everyone becomes their own CNN, Pentagon, school of thought, etc…”
YES!!! I can’t friggin’ WAIT!!!
September 1st, 2009 at 8:55 am
Anyone else see Krang up there on number 3?
September 1st, 2009 at 8:50 am
“The reason most people find love is that they seek it; they crave the experience even when there’s no one there to experience it with.”
It is my experience that most successful relationships aren’t sought out, but are found by not looking. It’s one of those Zen koans. When you aren’t looking for love, that’s when you will find it.
September 1st, 2009 at 8:45 am
Also, even #3 is a bit of a stretch. Such an artificial brain won’t develop the same way as a human one does. There’s going to be a lot of differences.
September 1st, 2009 at 8:44 am
*insert jingoistic conspiracy rant by CavalierX and/or Electric Sheep about some random comparison this article has with the nonexistent impending DOOM that is the red invasion of SOCIALISM!!!!!111!!111*
September 1st, 2009 at 8:43 am
Somewhat amusing, and well-argued, until the last two. Yeah, control over love will destroy human society instead of changing. Yeah, we won’t invent ways to keep our external memory drives secure and easily accessible.
September 1st, 2009 at 8:24 am
“At such high temperatures, the drills are capable of boring through the Earth’s crust without ever actually touching the rock itself”
Ooh! I think I saw this movie! Lawrence Fishburn bolts it onto a big RV and drives to the center of the Earth to jump-start the planet’s core with a nuke. I would call it science fiction, but the only “science” involved in that flick was anally raped and left to die of internal bleeding.
September 1st, 2009 at 8:19 am
What if you forget where you put your memory system?
September 1st, 2009 at 8:16 am
wisdom is not a collection of memories. Wisdom is brought through experience and morals.
September 1st, 2009 at 8:15 am
“a life of ceaseless adventure where every night is a guilt-free fuck-party”
Does this pill also eliminate AIDS, syphilis, herpes, ect.? No? Hm. That sort of puts a damper on your theory, no?
September 1st, 2009 at 8:14 am
Btw Knockout, just saying: Warp means faster than light. Sublight intergalactic travel would take centuries.
But, what about drifting far enough out from the system first? You’d figure it would be kind of like launching a big ship out of harbor: tugs pull it out, and it fires up the engine after it passes the no wake bouys.
September 1st, 2009 at 8:07 am
http://www.ihateyounatalie.com/?id=1761984
September 1st, 2009 at 8:04 am
I wish to applaud you in using Equilibrium, but I ask you; would you trade a few years of love for mastering the Gun Kata?
September 1st, 2009 at 8:01 am
Yeah, better memory and all that could shit could work well… but it kind of sucks that getting ANY chip implanted into you also guarantees that the government will have a nifty little tracking chip in a part of your body that you can’t just cut off if need be. Don’t do it. If you think I’m paranoid, go read what Stalin used to do. Srsly.
September 1st, 2009 at 8:00 am
I saw him on http://www. interracial lure.com, go there, maybe you can get more latest news from friends who come from all over the world. Good luck.
September 1st, 2009 at 7:40 am
Actually, there is a scifi author who thought AI would like us and not try to wipe us out (other than Adam Douglas): Heinlein. His AIs are all friendly, only lsightly neurotic, and plan revolutions that actually help us as punchlines to jokes. Seriously.
September 1st, 2009 at 7:37 am
Sliding, someone mentioned date rape earlier.
Also, does that warp drive theory sound a little like Farnsworth’s theory of dark matter drive core to anyone?
It doesn’t propel the ship, but propels the space through which the ship moves.
September 1st, 2009 at 7:29 am
Ha! Loved the picture from System Shock! Awesome game!
I can’t believe you guys didn’t mention the most OBVIOUS problem with the love/anti love pill. What’s to stop some jerk from slipping one to someone and making them fall in “love” with him?
Not to mention how could trust that you actually “love” person you’re with when you know that there’s a pill out there that could make your feelings change? Maybe you’d suspect that the person you “love” actually slipped you a pill sometime.
Scary stuff.
I for one, hope this never comes to pass.
September 1st, 2009 at 7:26 am
Hmm…scary times ahead that make the “new econ” pitiful by comparison. Some considerations/insane ponderings:
-There’s a differenence between intelligence & wisdom. Growing further in the Telecommunications era seems to increase the polarity of these 2, damn near exponentially as well. ie) learn tons of shit, but no real acumen to use it wisely/progressively.
-Energy can’t be created/destroyed, only changes forms. Warp drive scariness, looking @ you. Prospect sounds good, still…
-Only united vs. a common enemy. Most of humanity is defined by conflict and we only really buddy up when we have a mutual antagonist (nazis, Indians, terrorists, etc). Planet won’t totally unite until alien race is met, and ultimately, diplomatic relations are bungled (see warp drive again), and you know they will be.
-Love pill; leave it the Hell alone. Worry about issues lower down Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs first which are in short supply in many 3rd world shitholes (food, water, shelter). Love can wait when ethnic cleansing & famine are on the menu. If you need a pill for love/not love, you shouldn’t gamble procreating anyway.
-Comp Assisted Memory; Jim summed it up best (nj btw), ala, “Johnny Mneumonic”. Little hard drives in/out of your head. Take that a step further, camera eyes (low light/thermo/etc), 24 track recording (hi/low freq/echolocation/etc) ears, even text only (maps, lang., acadamia) etc, play back on respective 5 senses of ‘x’, whatever…1st real gateway to cyberpunk realities and some seriously dangerous agent provacateur shit. Everyone becomes their own CNN, Pentagon, school of thought, etc…
September 1st, 2009 at 7:20 am
Herve- As well as the “internet-like independent artificial intelligence from Orson Scott Cards ‘Ender’ series.
September 1st, 2009 at 7:18 am
Brockman and Bucholz shouldve worked together and added the Double Down to this list.
September 1st, 2009 at 7:10 am
“Also, emo bands would probably shut up, so that’s a clear win.”
LOL
September 1st, 2009 at 7:05 am
Actually, there is an AI in popular science fiction that loves everyone and just wnats to be friends: See the ship’s computer in the Douglas Adams hitchhiker books for proof.
September 1st, 2009 at 6:57 am
Pfft. In your haste to cite reasonably plausible dangers, your so-called “research department” has completely neglected the Doctor Who episode in which drilling to the centre of the Earth causes people to turn into werewolves.
With green skin.
September 1st, 2009 at 6:55 am
As I read number two I IMMEDIATELY thought of the world of Equilibrium. The ability to control love would change the way society is run if it gained any sort of popularity.
Luckily I feel as though I can count on the government to step in and regulate it nearly out of existence before it reaches the active phase, so here’s a yay for big brother!
Alternatively, of course, they could be using these drugs as a crude form of mind control, inducing feelings of love and attraction for all our leaders no matter how destructive they are.
Hmmm. Maybe thats whats in the ‘kool-aid’ that obama voters are accused of drinking.
September 1st, 2009 at 6:51 am
what are…noodz???
September 1st, 2009 at 6:50 am
I hate the world. we should just leave some shit be….that is all.
September 1st, 2009 at 6:46 am
Did I read that right? That ‘lifelong mating can be…prolonged’ by the love/anti-love pill? So like, prolonged after death or something? Are there like necrophiliac prairie voles running loose?
September 1st, 2009 at 6:37 am
Would you even be able to leave the immediate vicinity of a black hole, warp drive or no? It eats light. Light is the fastest thing in the universe. Warp drives would need to “jump” with a reaction time faster than the speed of light, wouldn’t they? Then again, I’m no physicist
September 1st, 2009 at 6:30 am
everyone turns into a smart bugger.ladies are no longer impressed.noodz are harder to come by.thank you computer brain.then again i suppose you could like program your head to think you get laid everynight.
September 1st, 2009 at 6:06 am
Where do I sign up for that memory thing. You could be a meatspace version of C3PO and learn a hundred languages. If that doesn’t get you a 6 figure income for some huge international company then at the very least it will increase your chances of getting laid in far more countries than usual.
Also, NO MORE EXAMS. Who needs them when all you have to remember is how to turn a device on.
The 21st Century is rocking. Also that flame drill is kinda fun too. Think of the underground bank vaults you could rock on into and empty.
September 1st, 2009 at 5:57 am
do you think the people here that read the articles on annoying commentors and still post those kinds of comments read those articles and thought well its a good thing they dont meen me MINE are funny
September 1st, 2009 at 5:54 am
Warp Drive, doubtful. If you read the article, the space bending requires the mass of Jupiter to be converted to energy. This is more of a technology that God might be thinking about getting around to some time in the future, not microscopic monkeys on a mudball.
September 1st, 2009 at 5:54 am
With computer assisted memory, it would be easier to get a hold of celebrity sex tapes. That’s a plus, right? I’ve been waiting and waiting for that Cloris Leachman sex tape, and computer assisted memory could make it happen!
September 1st, 2009 at 5:53 am
Love/Anti-love pills?! What the hell. Get those things the fuck away from me. Seriously not cool.
And Im glad I know why the internet hisses at me all the time. It was starting to get unnerving.
Screw science.
September 1st, 2009 at 5:48 am
Matt Fatt is gay
September 1st, 2009 at 5:48 am
“… new hard drive puts you on par with the Dalai Llama”
So not the Tibetan Leader in exile, but some sort of hoofed South-American mammal? ‘Cause the former is spelled “Lama”
September 1st, 2009 at 5:37 am
[...] New Inventions (That Will Doom Humanity) Jump to comments Posted in: Featured I’ve got a new article up at Cracked, regarding the Utopian shape we will all surely carve our grandiose future into, as well as the [...]
September 1st, 2009 at 5:28 am
The scariest thing about the love/anti-love pills to me is how they’ll end up revolutionizing date rape.
September 1st, 2009 at 5:24 am
How about nanobots turning all of us into grey goops?
September 1st, 2009 at 5:19 am
At the end of the linked article about the warp speed thing the guy says “Warp drive isn’t doable now, and probably won’t be for the next several millenia.” Makes sense since they’d need an equivalent of the mass of Jupiter in energy to make it go.
Damn you for getting my hopes up, cracked.
September 1st, 2009 at 5:16 am
The artificial brain is only scary if you give it power. Most applications, it could PROBABLY kill something if it really WANTED to, but it would have to destroy itself or leave itself open to destruction.
And while I’m sure it could solve all the greatest philosophical questions… so can you or I, given enough time and thought. We call these solutions “opinions,” and having a machine generate them makes them no more real or definitive. It certainly doesn’t obligate everyone to believe them. Remember, we also have rooms FULL of sciency machines that say evolution is real, yet this week I read a story about a TEACHER getting angry that student was wearing a T-shirt with the WORD “evolution” on it, and she didn’t want her school associated with that crackpot “theory.”
September 1st, 2009 at 5:13 am
call me a romantic, but number 2 is the one that pisses me off the most. of all things for science to fuck with it should leave love alone.
September 1st, 2009 at 5:12 am
I want to know who’s job it was to photoshop a dick on Einstein’s face.
September 1st, 2009 at 5:00 am
Hmmmm.. The last one sounds a bit like Johnny Pneumonic
September 1st, 2009 at 4:51 am
Dear Rofltastic,
Die in a fire.
Sincerely,
J
September 1st, 2009 at 4:33 am
I think I’d be a little more worried about people stealing my memories to gain access to things like bank acocunt PINS, security system codes, phone numbers, etc. It would be so easy for people to find those things out if your every thought and memory were captured and stored.
September 1st, 2009 at 4:29 am
Wait… are you referencing me in #1? What if we’ve traveled through time? Oh god no, god no…. but yes, apparently I do have your flash drive. Sorry about that.
September 1st, 2009 at 4:23 am
Dalai ‘Llama’?
September 1st, 2009 at 4:17 am
Liked it….
Pretty good article
September 1st, 2009 at 4:17 am
Fake. I have a university degree in large genitals, so I can safely say that this is fake. You can shower me in accolades now, internet using public.
There’s never a point in posting comments anyway.
September 1st, 2009 at 4:14 am
good job !!
September 1st, 2009 at 4:12 am
The biggest problem with warp drive is not the black hole, but rather the possibility that Patrick Stewart might be given a new TV show.
Wheelz, who will now recite the Preamble of the Constitution and pause every third word.
September 1st, 2009 at 4:09 am
Didn’t “Event Horizon” teach us anything about why we shouldn’t muck about with warp drives?
September 1st, 2009 at 4:07 am
Cuntflaps