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There are entire video game franchises devoted to simulating the life of a horrible bastard, from Grand Theft Auto to Postal to Mario Party. Heinous acts of inhumanity are more than expected in those games -- they net you bonus points. But sometimes, the worst virtual war crimes are committed by our so-called "heroes." If you thought Batman kicking a pregnant woman was bad, you ain't seen nothin' yet ...

Fallout 3's Protagonist Is An Accomplice In A Sex Crime


In Fallout 3, your character arrives at a place called Rivet City, where you meet a 16-year-old girl named Angela. Angela has a crush on a man named Diego. Diego has a crush on Jesus. He's sworn a vow of celibacy and joined the priesthood.

"No, Diego, no!" -- Angela

If you want to complete Angela's quest (and you do, because otherwise you'll have an unfinished quest marker in your journal forever, and what kind of freak is okay with that?), you need to give her some ant queen pheromones, which will make her "irresistible" to Diego. As in, sexually.

Yeah, that's a date rape drug.

If these roles were reversed, Congress would hold hearings.

When you catch up with these crazy kids later on, Angela is giddy that the plan worked. Diego? He laments: "I ... I don't know what came over me. I just lost control and seduced her. But I am an honorable man. I will make her an honorable woman."

To be clear, he was drugged and sexually exploited by a clearly crazy 16-year-old girl, and now he's going to spend the rest of his life with her not because he wants to, but because he thinks it's the right thing to do. You're responsible for that.

Though, given your track record, we're not surprised.

But that's the great thing about Fallout: You don't have to be a good guy. The wasteland is an amoral place, and even villains have a--

Oh wait, you get 100 points of positive karma for assisting in the rape of a priest? Huh.

Injustice's Superman Laser-Blasts Civilians

Warner Bros. Interactive Entertainment

Injustice: Gods Among Us is set in a frightening alternate reality where Superman snaps and becomes a mass murderer (on purpose this time). Fortunately, the real Superman from the regular DC Universe -- that bastion of truth, justice, and apple pie -- shows up to put things right. Here he is kicking ass and taking names ...

Warner Bros. Interactive Entertainment
... so he can notify their next of kin.

Wait, did he really incinerate a bunch of random cars? That's ... weird. Surely, those were driverless vehicles, and if we take a closer look, we'll see that no citizens were harmed in the making of this--

Warner Bros. Interactive Entertainment

No, those cars were actually driving. And that means drivers.

Sure, it was Black Adam grabbing the cars and endangering civilians in the first place, but Superman's role is to save the weak and helpless, even at his own expense. Instead, he vaporizes them like we'd swat away houseflies.

Also, note that Superman could have flown up to Black Adam and stopped this at any point. Instead, he stands there and blasts citizen after citizen for a full minute and a half. The carnage only halts when Adam voluntarily decides to stop chucking cars, because even monsters have a line, Superman. Goddamn.

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Ezio Of Assassin's Creed: Revelations Firebombs A Whole City


The characters in Assassin's Creed aren't exactly saints (it's right there in the title), but they aren't indiscriminate murderers, either. Despite being a shadowy order of expert killers, their ultimate goal is to achieve peace for humanity by whacking only those who absolutely must be whacked -- "Stay your blade from the flesh of an innocent" is their much prettier way of saying this. But apparently, they're more of a "Do as we say, not as we do" conspiratorial order ...



"We said 'Stay your blade.' Explosive incineration is perfectly fine."

Yes, that's the protagonist of Assassin's Creed: Revelations, Ezio Auditore di Firenze, blowing up a good chunk of humanity. He's tracking down a corrupt military officer in the underground city of Derinkuyu, which was a real-life location in Turkey where up to 20,000 people hid from repression by stuffing themselves into an area of about four square miles. In order to flush out his target, Ezio decides to detonate a huge stock of gunpowder right in the middle of this large, sealed area. When told that this will cause, at best, panic in the entire city, Ezio goes, "Well, duh."

"Is ... is that an erection?"

How do we know people will die from inhaling that smoke? Well, for starters, because that's what happens to real humans. But we know this isn't a fantastical game world exactly like our own in every respect save for lung capacity, because Ezio himself dies of smoke inhalation if you don't super-parkour out of there in time. Do you see those citizens super-parkouring?

"Why, that's barely even regular parkour. Are you even trying?"

Kingdom Hearts' Hero Is An Accidental Mass Murderer (Then An Intentional One)

Disney Interactive Studios

Kingdom Hearts is an RPG about classic Disney characters teaming up with androgynous teenagers to fight black tentacle monsters. The game is quite cute and family friendly, though it is a mere a third of a penis away from technically qualifying as slash fiction. The villains are called "Heartless," and you know they're evil because, well, look at them:

Disney Interactive Studios
"We're just misunderstood, and also totally evil-looking."

They're the villainous foot soldiers of this franchise. You kill them by the dozens and never give it a second thought. And this, it turns out, makes you the real monster.

At one point, Sora, the protagonist, puts a magic sword through his chest and becomes a Heartless. He spends the next several minutes wandering a massive castle, unable to tell his friends who he is, because he literally has no mouth. That means it's not only possible for a regular person to become a Heartless, but also for that person to remain sentient after their transformation. If they did have mouths, presumably they'd be screaming "DON'T KILL ME!" or "OH GOD! WHY, GOOFY, WHY?! I ONLY WANTED TO LIVE."

Luckily for Sora, one of his friends recognizes him and turns him back into human form ... with a hug. Seriously, that's all they had to do. This is like finding out cows could have given us burgers if we'd asked them nicely.

Disney Interactive Studios
"Let us all agree not to learn anything from this moment."

After this revelation, Sora spends the remainder of the game showing affection to all the Heartless he encounters, returning them to normalcy. This begins your long journey of redemption, for having unknowingly slaughtered so many innocent things that only needed love.

Kidding. He goes back to massacring them with glee.

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In Illusion Of Gaia, You Get A Bonus For Selling Out A Slave


In Illusion Of Gaia, protagonist Will (sweet fantasy name, buddy) has set off on a quest to save the planet from an incoming comet. However, as in all RPGs, you can take a break from saving the world from certain doom to collect trinkets -- in this case, Red Jewels. Listen, the world is great and all, but is it shiny? Shiny and red?

You know where your priorities lie.

At some point, you meet an escaped slave who begs you not to turn him in -- not out of selfish concern for himself, but because he's worried about the safety of the man hiding him. This might be the greatest person you meet in the entire game. And since he's not vital to the narrative, you figure you'll probably get a jewel for helping him. You're half right.

"Yeah, I don't care about you either."

You get a jewel, all right, but it's not the slave you're supposed to help. It's the slavers. If you sell out the slave, they'll give you a Red Jewel ...


... And there's no other way to get it. If you want to collect all 50 Jewels and unlock a secret boss, you have to betray the slave, as well as your humanity. Neither the slave nor his rescuer are ever seen again. Except for every time you close your eyes, no matter how much you try to drink the guilt away.

Lara Croft Murders Unarmed Workers For Trinkets

Square Enix

In Tomb Raider Chronicles, we find Lara Croft infiltrating an industrial building, because all the good tombs have been inexplicably raided by somebody. Our heroine comes across an unarmed worker in a HAZMAT suit, who immediately surrenders and begs for his life. In case you need a tutorial on basic morality, Lara's partner even comes on the radio and tells her not to shoot him. So naturally, she shoots him.

Square Enix
She then adds insult to injury death by raiding his tomb later.

Don't worry, it all works out. Since Lara needed that guy alive to open a door, and he is decidedly not alive, she's forced to take an alternate path, where she comes across a bonus item: a golden rose. You knew that because you're a dirty cheater with a GameFAQs account. But Lara didn't -- within the world of these games, this intrepid explorer randomly murdered a guy because she thought it would be funny.

Somewhere in her massive mansion, Lara Croft keeps the golden rose alongside all of her other precious artifacts. Each one has a story. She'll be happy to tell you all of them, except for one. She does not say anything when you ask about the golden rose. She just smiles, as if remembering some special, private moment.

While not properly using the Oxford Comma, Sam Wellborn lives, works, and drinks in Austin, TX. Check out his totally not broken or unattractive blog, or watch him fail to be clever on Twitter.

Last Halloween, the Cracked Podcast creeped you out with tales of ghost ships, mysteriously dead people, and a man from one of the most famous paintings in U.S. history who years later went all Jack Nicholson in The Shining on his family. This October, Jack and the Cracked staff are back with special guest comedians Ryan Singer, Eric Lampaert, and Anna Seregina to share more unsettling and unexplained true tales of death, disappearance, and the great beyond. Get your tickets for this LIVE podcast here!

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