Violence and sex are awesome, but sometimes your stupid nephews are in town and they cry when you put on Reservoir Dogs. People used to get married at 10, Bobby -- you can handle the ear scene at 6 you little wuss. So whatever, you put on some nice wholesome kids' videos. And, hey look, you're pleasantly surprised: Some of these things are seriously messed up. Like ...
5 Inside Out's Joy Murders Countless Imaginary Friends
Inside Out finally answered the dire question that stoners have been asking for, like, however long it's been: "What if feelings had feelings?"
In the film, two of heroine Riley's emotions, Joy and Sadness, get lost deep in the recesses of her brain and need to work their way back to thought headquarters. Unfortunately, there's a giant abyss in the middle of Riley's head where everything that falls into it is forgotten and erased from existence, because Pixar's thing is emotional health, not biology. The effects of this abyss are demonstrated by Bing Bong, Riley's old imaginary friend. Bing Bong may be make-believe, but he displays ingenuity and a wide range of emotions, making him as sentient as anything in Pixar's world. Bing Bong sacrifices his life to help Joy escape the pit, but that's fine -- he does it voluntarily and knows the risks.
Not imaginary: your tears.
Less fine is how Joy then crosses the abyss with the help of Riley's latest imaginary pal, her boyfriend from Canada. The unnamed beau isn't the deepest thinker in Riley's head, but he follows all the same rules as Bing Bong and is thus very much alive. And when he says, "I would die for Riley!" Joy ominously declares, "Time to prove it."
Joy uses an imagination cloning machine to produce a giant stack of boyfriends. She stands on top of the stack, which tips over and carries her to the other side of the abyss ... while the boyfriends plummet straight into it and their inevitable demises while shouting, "For Riley!" like hormonal suicide bombers.
Joy is crushed by Bing Bong's sacrifice, but her only response to creating and then immediately murdering enough heartthrobs to staff The CW for generations is mild amusement. In the span of a couple of minutes she racks up a higher body count than every Disney villain combined, and no one cares. We guess it's like Stalin said: One wacky elephant creature dead is a tragedy, but a million Canadian boyfriends dead is just a statistic.
4 The Powerpuff Girls Beat The Shit Out Of An Innocent Clown
Cartoon Network Studios
The Powerpuff Girls perfectly illustrate how scary Superman would have been as a child. Like that time they beat the ever-loving shit out of a sick clown. The episode in question stars a friendly clown who suddenly becomes an evil mime after an accident involving bleach washes away all of his color. He proceeds to steal the color and joy out of everyone in Townsville, but the girls are able to stop him and return everything to normal. With the clown back to his senses, he enthusiastically thanks the girls for saving him. As the gathered crowd cheers the clown's return, the girls -- saviors of the innocent -- beat the very concept of joy out of him and throw him in jail. Note that this comes immediately after they save the day with a musical number called "Love Makes The World Go 'Round."
This is despite the fact that the episode makes it abundantly clear the clown isn't in control of his actions, and it also establishes that he's a beloved children's entertainer who's making the city a better place. But in the Powerpuff Girls' defense: Is there really such a thing as an innocent clown?
Cartoon Network Studios
Look at that face and try to tell us that he's not drinking away the shame and guilt of something.