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Rap is less about what you say and more about how you say it. Ice Cube could have recited the Love Boat theme song and made it sound intimidating. Conversely, there are plenty of seemingly badass rap lyrics that, upon closer examination, turn out to be underwhelming, nonsensical, or just unintentionally and spectacularly gay. Here are nine genuine rap boasts that made every angry, young, straight male reading the liner notes briefly reconsider their sexuality.

9
T.I. Will Stretch Your Butt Out Like A Limousine

Paras Griffin/Getty Images Entertainment/Getty Images

The Lyrics:

Just like some dental cream, I go in niggas' mouths
And like a limousine, I stretch a nigga out

T.I.
This puts a painful new spin on T.I.'s large car collection.

What He Means:

In this remix of Rocko's "Umma Do Me," T.I. lets us know he's perfectly willing to shoot a man in the face and leave his body "stretched out" all over the street. Ruining other people's days via gun violence has become one of the most widely explored subjects in rap music, but 90 percent of rappers who talk about it are just talking. T.I.'s multiple arrests over gun charges suggest that he may well be in the other 10 percent.

How It Comes Off:

Rhyming "I go in niggas' mouths" (as in, "I enjoy having oral sex with men") with "I stretch a nigga out" ("anal too") may be the most terrifying homosexual boast in history.

8
B-Real (Of Cypress Hill) Forgot His Testicles Inside Ice Cube

Scott Gries/Getty Images Entertainment/Getty Images

The Lyrics:

Ice Cube is a thing of the past
If I've got no nuts, it's because they're still stuck in your ass

What He Means:

Like so many poets before him, B-Real is attempting to use anal sex as a metaphor for Ice Cube's total submission to his power. For those who don't know B-Real, he's the guy next to Cube in this photo:

hiphopdx
"Today was a good day ... so far ..."

In the '90s, Mr. Real and his fellow ganja enthusiasts at Cypress Hill fell out with Cube because they thought he stole elements from one of their songs. At one point, Cube said:

You're smokin' that shit too much
Got your bitch ass touched
Sen Dog, you can't rap from the guts
And B-Real sounding like he got baby nuts

When he heard Cube's diss, B-Real used the track "Ice Cube Killa" to turn the insult around ...

How It Comes Off:

... by implying that the two are involved in a relationship so passionate, B-Real somehow inserted his testicles as well as his penis into Ice Cube's butt during lovemaking. The most romantic part is that the balls are still somewhere in there, serving as an enduring token of their love.

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7
Bun B Would Like To Know More About Your Boner

Stephen Lovekin/Getty Images Entertainment/Getty Images

The Lyrics:

What's up with that bulge in ya khakis
You wanna pack a gat but you still ain't got the pull to come and jack me

What He Means:

Bun B of Underground Kingz finds it annoying when people carry concealed weapons around him, especially if they don't actually have the street cred necessary to confront him.

How It Comes Off:

There is a man nearby with a visible erection that Bun B couldn't help noticing, and he would like to know more about it.

Scott Gries/Getty Images Entertainment/Getty Images
"Imma grab any dick I feel like. Mine. Yours. I don't give a fuck."

6
The Members Of Onyx Love Abducting Hunks

Def Jam

The Lyrics:

My theory is fuck it!
Sexy niggas get abducted

What They Means:

Onyx offers an alternate route to escaping poverty: kidnapping fashionable motherfuckers. If you look good, you probably have money. If you have money, they're going to kidnap you and hold you for ransom. Because they enjoy money, which can be exchanged for goods and services.

Universal Music Group
It's gangsta rap's version of judging a book by its cover.

How It Comes Off:

Onyx is having a hard time hooking up with attractive men based solely on the merits of their own looks and personality. They have thus resorted to abducting hunks off the street, in order to have sex with them -- or "fuck it," in their own words. It's disturbing enough that they want to kidnap men and rape them, but that they refer to other human beings as "it" shows classic signs of psychopathy. Seek help, Onyx.

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5
Joe Budden Is Up For Late-Night Bedroom Shenanigans With Other Rappers

eOne Music

The Lyrics:

In the same hotel, if dude wanted to do me
I'd have been Cassidy, gave him the room key

What He Means:

Jersey City rapper Joe Budden is so confident in his ability to best The Game (his then-rival) in a physical confrontation that, were they in the same hotel, Joe would invite him to make the first move.

The Game
"Preferably after washing his goddamn hands."

How It Comes Off:

Perhaps, at one point, the phrase "do me" meant something other than sex -- "kill me," in this case -- but those days have passed. If Budden did indeed mean to say "If The Game wants to kill me, I'll meet him in my hotel room," it must have been awkward when he then showed up at the door with flowers and KY.

4
DMX Is Nostalgic For That Part Of Jail

Paramount Pictures

The Lyrics:

SUCK! MY! DICK!
And while you niggas that's been to jail before know, it's about to get thick
Let's get it on baby

What He Means:

Did you know DMX has been in jail? He would like to remind you that he has, and that he's very good at fighting.

Def Jam
And just as good at avoiding them.

How It Comes Off:

The phrase "let's get it on" is pretty ambiguous -- it can mean "let's fight" or "let's fuck." You'll have to figure out which by using context clues. When the phrase in question is preceded by an order to perform fellatio, because he's "about to get thick" -- one can be forgiven for assuming the lines are sexual in nature. Combine all that with the reference to people in jail knowing what DMX is talking about, and it sounds like he's bragging that he fucked his way through prison and is about to unleash those terrible skills on free men now.

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3
Jadakiss Can't Help Himself, Makes Out With The Guy He's Robbing

Matthew Eisman/Getty Images Entertainment/Getty Images

The Lyrics:

You already know what it's about when I run up in your house
Put the gun up in your mouth, and get the money out the couch
Hearing you out is senseless, perhaps, for instance
I'll give this faggot a French kiss

What He Means:

Jadakiss, as a member of The Lox, states in this collaboration with Biggie Smalls that if you see him running into your house, you should know he's gonna steal your money and then shoot you in the face.

How It Comes Off:

Shoot you with a big ol' smooch, that is!

Def Jam
"Pucker up, motherfucker."

The first three lines of Jada's verse prepare the listener for a chilling tale of vicious crime, but then it turns into a romantic moment without warning. Jadakiss later explained in an interview that it means he's going to employ the kiss of death, but in no culture is that referred to as "a French kiss." See, this is why you just can't invent new slang on the fly. If nobody knows your alternate meaning when you say "I'll give this faggot a French kiss," they are forced to assume you simply mean you'll give that homosexual a tongue bath.

2
Eminem Just Wants Ja Rule To Hug Him Tight And Never Let Go

Kevork Djansezian/Getty Images Entertainment/Getty Images

The Lyrics:

We never met, but best believe you gon' know me
When I'm this close, see you exposed as phony
Come on bitch, show me, pick me up, throw me
Lift me up, hold me, just like you told me you was gonna do

What He Means:

This is directed at Eminem's colleague, Ja Rule. After Ja dissed Eminem's entire family in a track, Em hit back with "Doe Rae Me" and "Go To Sleep," two songs featuring himself and several other high-profile rappers reveling in their mutual dislike for Mr. Rule.

Screen Gems
In their defense ...

How It Comes Off:

"Show me, pick me up, throw me, lift me up, hold me" -- that's not gangsta rap; those are the stage instructions for a Nicholas Sparks film's climactic make-out scene.

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1
Redman Is Nonchalant About The Oversized Member In His Mouth

Stephen Lovekin/Getty Images Entertainment/Getty Images

The Lyrics:

I got Tic Tacs in my mouth, with a big dick!
But it don't matter

What He Means:

Redman is informing us that he's having some refreshing Tic Tacs and also, by the way, his penis is large.

Kevin Winter/Getty Images Entertainment/Getty Images
"They won't let me pull it out on stage, so I brought Kevin Hart for scale."

How It Comes Off:

Or, two things are in his mouth right now: Tic Tacs and a sizable member.

There are so many different, unambiguous ways that he could have expressed this idea. "I've got Tic Tacs in my mouth, and a big dick in my pants." "I have a big dick, and I also have Tic Tacs." "I'm eating Tic Tacs. I'm also well endowed." We've personally used many of those in the past. But no, he had to go with the one phrasing that makes it sound like somebody's getting a wintergreen blowjob from the star of How High.

Andrew is the vocalist of a rap duo, the Ghost Dance Cult. If you check out their debut EP here, he promises you won't hear anything that belongs on this list.

Deep inside us all -- behind our political leanings, our moral codes, and our private biases -- there is a cause so colossally stupid that we surprise ourselves with how much we care. Whether it's toilet paper position, fedoras on men, or Oxford commas, we each harbor a preference so powerful we can't help but proselytize to the world. In this episode of the Cracked podcast, guest host Soren Bowie is joined by Cody Johnston, Michael Swaim, and comedian Annie Lederman to discuss the most trivial things we will argue about until the day we die. Get your tickets here!

For more ridiculous moments in rap history, check out 6 Musicians Who Made Entire Albums Just To Say F#@k You and 6 Albums By Rock Legends That Were Thinly Veiled 'F#@k You's.

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