The seventh Star Wars movie comes out this weekend, and by Monday morning the Internet will be filled with screeds of varying literacy detailing just how The Force Awakens screwed the pooch. It's inevitable. But the one thing audiences always forget is that -- no matter how bad a movie is -- it could always be worse. (Yes, even the prequels.) Here are some of the most excruciating Star Wars plots we narrowly dodged.
7 Darth Vader And Boba Fett Were Almost Brothers
Despite the fact that the Star Wars universe is an actual goddamn universe, it's filled with a long string of familial coincidences (or co-incest-dences) that might've bothered fans of the original trilogy, but they were much too distracted by cocaine and disco music to care. And for the prequel trilogy, Lucas decided to cram in even more "tiny universe" moments so that every planet in the galaxy would house a familiar character or their family, because apparently the Star Wars galaxy has a shallower gene pool than Hill Valley. One of the dumbest twists that thankfully never happened: Darth Vader and Boba Fett were going to be brothers.
Is there anyone the Skywalker family won't bang?
According to Lucas' ex-wife, Marcia (the same woman who saved the entire franchise from being an absolute shitshow), at one point George was toying with the idea of revealing that the two beloved characters shared a parental lineage, as opposed to just a love of badass helmets.
Of course, this would have made some of the scenes in the original trilogy super weird, unless Lucas made yet another Special Edition with a voiceover of the two locking down Thanksgiving plans between evil schemes.
"I had Palpatine at Easter; it's your turn."
It also would have made Boba Fett Luke and Leia's uncle -- you know, the type of wacky uncle who lets you try a sip of his beer at dinner, then freezes your best friend in carbonite. Lucas ended up changing his mind because the whole idea was "too hokey," which still doesn't explain Jar Jar's accent, dammit.
6 Darth Maul Almost Looked Really, Really Dumb
In the fever pitch leading up to the release of Episode I, no character was more buzzed about than Darth Maul. After all, he was the badass new villain and he wielded a double lightsaber, which, frankly, seems like the kind of overcompensation a Sith going through a midlife crisis might need.
"It's a lot harder to build a Corvette."
To the astonishment of everyone who thought Darth Maul would be a major presence in the new trilogy, Obi-Wan Kenobi promptly slices Maul in half, along with the hopes and dreams of moviegoers everywhere.
However disappointing his role in the movie ultimately was, there's just no denying how badass Darth Maul looked. The villains of the original trilogy looked like a group of retired British accountants. Darth Maul, on the other hand, looked like the rabbit in Donnie Darko and the sharpener from a 64-pack of crayons had a baby, and it developed jaundice.
And the family lived paycheck-to-paycheck, leaving no money for dental coverage.
He almost looked pretty dumb, though. Since George Lucas didn't put a lot of description of the villain into the script beyond, presumably, "creepy bad man," there was a lot of room for interpretation. Lucas asked renowned concept artist Iain McCaig to draw the "scariest thing he could think of," and McCaig drew this:
McCaig took the image from an actual nightmare he had, but the girl from The Ring apparently didn't quite have what it takes to kill Liam Neeson. Another idea seemingly turned ol' Darth Maul into a pedophile who snuck onto the old Tron set, and that's a crossover we definitely don't want to be held responsible for.
The pencils used to draw this immediately contracted herpes.