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According to Ben Franklin, the only certainties in life are death, taxes, and mankind's innate capacity to behave like total assholes. He may not have mentioned that last one directly, but we're pretty sure it was coded inside all those incomprehensible weather charts. The ever-present existence of awful human beings in our midst is just something we all have to deal with (especially if you go to the DMV often), but every now and again, you encounter individuals who display such transcendent jerkitude that you almost have to admire their commitment to being terrible. Almost. Folks like this:

6
A Judge Rules That It's OK to Peek Up Teens' Skirts and Take Pictures

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Our justice system is designed to discourage people from doings things like mugging, killing, or crouching in store aisles and taking snapshots of a 13-year-old girl's panties. Wait, no, you can scratch that last one from the list, because a judge in Oregon just let a confessed pervert go free for doing exactly that. His logic? That there's cameras everywhere now, and "it's incumbent on us as citizens to cover up whatever we don't want filmed in public places."

AndreyPopov/iStock/Getty Images
"For instance, I'm not wearing anything under this robe, and I'm perfectly fine with that."

In other words, no one should ever wear a skirt in public, because they might entice someone into literally kneeling to take pictures of their private parts ... and this goes for little kids, too. Speaking of which, isn't this, you know, child pornography? Not according to the court -- the defense attorney successfully argued that privacy laws ban people from taking clandestine photos in places like bathrooms and such, but this happened in a Target store, so it doesn't count. What about Walmart? Would that be sufficiently bathroom-like for the judge? We'll have to wait for someone to try this there to find out. On the one hand, the judge did say letting the guy go free was "upsetting." On the other, he basically ruled that making kiddie porn is OK, as long as you have the decency to do it in a public place.

5
A Pet Shop Owner Is Arrested for Beating His Employees With a Lizard

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Three surefire ways to be a terrible boss are "damaging your merchandise," "beating your employees," and "being cruel to animals in your establishment for no reason." None of these techniques were good enough on their own for Benjamin Siegel of Siegel Reptiles in Florida, so he decided to combine all three into a single act of violent insanity, thus becoming responsible for some of the greatest news headlines ever published:

blogs.browardpalmbeach.com

upi.com
The word "Florida" is implied here.

Security footage shows that Siegel "put the bearded dragon lizard in his mouth, swung it through the air, used it to strike employees and threw it." It takes true talent to be that crazy, but Siegel had practice; he's faced three other battery charges since October. We're sorry to report that we couldn't find the exact details of those incidents (like, did he swing a crocodile at someone?), but as consolation, please marvel at the rainbow of emotions displayed in his various mugshots:

Broward County Sheriff's Office
He's just a few arrests short of a full Brady Bunch.

Oh, and this isn't the first time Siegel Reptiles has made international headlines -- in 2012, Siegel held a cockroach-eating contest, during which the winning contestant choked to death on his own vomit. All for a free python, which makes this even more tragic, because we're pretty sure that in Florida you can find those by looking in your rain gutter.

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4
Thieves Steal a Dog, Then Dye It to Cover Their Tracks

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"Dognapper" is simultaneously one of the most loathsome and one of the saddest types of criminal you can be. Stealing a family's beloved pet right out of their backyard is an extraordinarily shitty thing to do, but apparently you can be even more of a raging dick about it. Like by dyeing the dog you stole a different color to conceal the crime.

Riverside County Department Of Animal Services
Pit bulls have a horrible reputation as it is, but the blackface makeup is simply unforgivable.

The dog in both photos is Coco, a pit bull who went missing from her home in San Jacinto, CA, last year on Thanksgiving morning. Luckily, Coco's owners were conscientious enough to have had a microchip implanted on her in case this very thing should happen. Although they probably didn't predict the part where animal services found Coco a month later and she turned out to be a different color. Once the authorities ruled out the possibility that another dog had performed surgery on Coco and stolen her chip (or at least, we assume they were thorough and did that), they figured out that she'd been given the Easter egg treatment by the slobbering fuckwit(s) who stole her. So there you go: Apparently, a crate full of L'Oreal is less expensive than buying a new dog.

Sadly, not long after she returned home, Coco disappeared again. As far as we know, the microchip is still in place, so chances are she'll turn up eventually. Unless she's so disgusted by humans in general at this point that she's gnawed the thing out and hitchhiked out of state.

marktucan/iStock/Getty Images
"I taught her how to disappear. I learned from the best."

3
A Pastor Protests Gay Marriage by Putting Horse In a Wedding Dress

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Not everyone who opposes gay marriage is necessarily a huge douchenozzle about it. Pastor Edward James of Bertha Chapel Missionary Baptist Church in Mississippi never got that memo. He's convinced that homosexuals marrying one another will beget a whirling maelstrom of sinful perversion, and to drive that point home, he showed up in front of a federal courthouse to protest -- with a horse he'd dressed up in a wedding gown.

wapt.com
"Aw geez, did you run into my clothesline again? Wclelp, might as well make an afternoon of it."

Pastor James' meticulous attention towards his horse's ensemble included not just a dress but also "white flowers tucked into its harness and a bouquet at its feet." Honestly, the guy has a gift for horse decoration. And just in case you missed the nuanced subtlety of his message, Pastor James also included some signs in the presentation, with messages such as, "Do you take this horse to be your unnatural wedded spouse to have and to hold?"

clarionledger.com
It sounds a lot like horse pimping, which may actually still be legal in Mississippi.

Pastor James knows full well what he's doing is ridiculous, but "so is same-sex marriage," he explained to a reporter. Meanwhile, his horse, "Charlotte," grazed nearby, presumably still hungover from the bachelorette party the night before. He claims to have gotten "100 percent support" from passers-by, who definitely weren't laughing their asses off when they gave him honks and thumbs-up. Despite the pastor's assertions as to the effectiveness of his protest, local LGBT organizations don't seem too concerned.

clarionledger.com
She couldn't toss the bouquet, 'cause she had eaten it.

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2
Native Americans Had to Bid on Their Own Relics at an Auction

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On top of things like broken treaties, smallpox blankets, and wholesale genocide, another annoyance Native Americans had to put up with was having their ancient artifacts either stolen or illicitly sold (so, stolen) back in the early 1900s. Well, good news: A whole bunch of those relics recently turned up in France! And the Natives were free to go and get them! If they had the francs, that is, because they were being put up for auction to the highest, sleaziest bidder.

news.yahoo.com
Most likely for Eyes-Wide-Shut-style masquerade sex parties.

The United States made trading in sacred Indian artifacts a crime back in 1990, but it's perfectly legal in France. And despite pleas from tribal representatives and the American embassy, sellers like the Eve auction house apparently couldn't give less of a shit, and have responded to the controversy with a snooty, "This sale is not scandalous because it is not forbidden." One would think the French would be a little more understanding, having seen their own culture goose-stepped on and plundered as recently as the 1940s, but apparently that's water under the bridge at this point, and today it's all about the Bonapartes.

Navajo and Hopi delegations traveled to Paris and tried to explain that the cherished ceremonial masks and headdresses in question are of the sacred variety -- to them, those are actually the spirits of their ancestors that are being sold to some rich shitheel as a conversation piece. The auction house and the French authorities weren't impressed, and the Navajos were forced to buy back as many of their own pieces as they could afford. That's seven, for the record.

AP/Francois Mori
Now they have to hitchhike back home.

1
Uber Price Gouged During the Sydney Hostage Crisis

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It's disturbingly hard to keep track of these things by now, but you might recall that there was a terror crisis recently in Australia, involving a Muslim extremist who took hostages in a chocolate shop. A few people died as a result, and the entire populace of Sydney was scared out of their wits. In that context, Uber decided to let everyone know that they cared ... by jacking up prices.

twitter.com/Uber_Sydney
"To people who can't afford the fares now, we encourage you to run."

Uber taxicabs suddenly started charging people four times the going rate for a ride out of the danger zone. Right as people were scrambling to escape the mayhem of an active terrorist attack was when Uber's "surge pricing algorithm" began to kick in -- an automated system which responds to fluctuations in supply and demand. In this instance, the demand was of the life-or-death variety, so naturally they announced they were quadrupling their fares and charged people the Australian equivalent of $82 minimum (and up to $165) to jump in the back and hightail it away from the city center.

AL-Travelpicture/iStock/Getty Images
"Fuck that. I'll let you ride front pouch for a case of Foster's."

To their credit, Uber did put a halt to the price increases and offered free rides, but only after people were able to gather their wits enough to start igniting a shitstorm about it. Sure, those tweets from the Uber Sydney account suggest they knew exactly what they were doing all along, but we suppose we can give them the benefit of the doubt. Hey, maybe it was just another one of their apps that suggested they hire a smear team to dig up dirt on critical journalists.

While you're here, also check out 5 Tourists Who Managed To Be The Worst People In The World and 5 Things the Worst People in the World Love Doing in Public.

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