5 Old-Timey Movies Way Too Disturbing for Modern Theaters

#2. Maniac (1934) Features a Rape Zombie and Eyeball-Eating Action

Roadshow Attractions

Maniac follows the exploits of the crazy Don Maxwell and the even crazier Dr. Meirshultz, who wants to bring the dead back to life. So he pulls out a gun and asks Maxwell to kill himself for science. Maxwell shoots his boss instead. Hey, we said he was crazy, not stupid.

Maxwell begins impersonating the deceased doctor. He injects his first patient with a bizarre cocktail of God-knows-what, and it's not surprising when the man goes completely bonkers in one of cinematic history's greatest scenes of hulking out.

The man escapes and kidnaps a woman, conveniently pausing to strip her half-naked for the benefit of the hornier audience members.

Roadshow Attractions
"When people are paying upwards of 5 cents a ticket, you owe them a show."

Maxwell doesn't seem terribly concerned by the fact that a rape zombie is on the loose. He has bigger tasks at hand, like going absolutely batshit crazy. When one of the neighbor's cats eats a heart the real doctor was keeping, Maxwell chases it down and squeezes out its goddamn eye.

Roadshow Attractions
No cats were harmed in the making of this film, but a lot of psyches were.

Maxwell comments that the eye is "not unlike an oyster, or a grape" before doing exactly what one would do with those things.

Roadshow Attractions

That naturally cuts to a bunch of women strutting about half-naked (see the horndog audience members mentioned above). One is Maxwell's wife, a character we had no idea existed until the director needed her to shake what her mother gave her.

Roadshow Attractions
This was your grandfather's Porky's.

For a few minutes it seems like everything up to this point was the needlessly elaborate setup for a porno.

Roadshow Attractions
Chekhov wouldn't have introduced the vibrating exercise belt machine without putting it to use. Just sayin'.

But no, both she and Rape Zombie's wife are trying to swindle Maxwell. So he concocts a solution where he traps the two women in his basement and makes them fight to the death while he laughs like a ... oh, we just got the title. Anyway, it's not exactly a slap fight -- at one point, one woman goes to town on the other with a goddamn bat.

Roadshow Attractions
"Terrible." -Ty Cobb

All this noise attracts the attention of the police, who bust in and arrest the fuck out of everyone. The final line of the film is "He's crazy!" for the benefit of the audience's slowest members. The question of what happened to the zombie rapist is left disturbingly unanswered.

#1. Un Chien Andalou (1929) -- Eyes Get Sliced Open, Women Get Molested, and Armpit Hair Becomes a Mouth

Transflux Films

Un Chien Andalou is a movie about ... uh, you know what? To be honest, we really don't know. It starts with an extreme close-up of a husband slicing his wife's eye open, so ... there's that.

Les Grands Films
They used a dead calf, because dead animals were 1929's CGI.

This isn't some quick, half-second shot -- you get to see the razor drag across the eye in vivid detail.

Les Grands Films
That's "vitreous humor," aka "the shit your eyeballs are made of."

What the hell kind of movie starts like this? Orson Welles' Hostel? Well, Un Chien Andalou was made by Salvador Dali, so that offers as much of an explanation as we can provide. It's basically a series of insane events with no real connection between them, although we're sure a film student could give you a half-hour lecture on the significance of the hole in a man's hand that produces ants ...

Les Grands Films

... a random woman poking a disembodied hand that's lying in the middle of the street for no apparent reason ...

Les Grands Films

... and the dude who gets so turned on from watching a woman get run over by a car that he immediately molests his companion.

Les Grands Films
"You don't want to know what I'd be doing if it had been an ice-cream truck."

Does this lead to gratuitous nudity? You bet it does!

Les Grands Films

All this sex offending briefly turns him into some sort of zombie.

Les Grands Films
Zombie rape was a serious issue during the '20s and '30s, is what we're saying.

But don't worry; he recovers in time to haul a couple of pianos with animal carcasses and live priests in them around the room. You know, as one does.

Les Grands Films
"It really brings the room, and my psychosis, together."

This is still in the middle of his rape attempt, by the way. But let's skip ahead a bit to the dude who gets shot (by books that transformed into pistols) and wakes up in a park with a naked lady.

Les Grands Films

Unfortunately for him, she abruptly vanishes. So it's back to one of the other dudes, who makes his own mouth vanish. This shocks his lady friend so much that she puts on lipstick. He proceeds to replace his mouth with her armpit hair, because nothing in life makes sense anymore.

Les Grands Films
It's a metaphor for not having a plot.

The film ends with a shot of one of the couples dead in the sand, which was presumably also filmed without special effects.

Les Grands Films
Keep in mind that they manage to cram all this crazy into a movie that's only 21 minutes long.

As you may have already guessed, Dali wanted the movie to be as weird and inaccessible as possible. But that didn't stop it from becoming a surprise hit, because apparently there was literally nothing else to do in 1929 but watch it. Like today, this meant he had to make a sequel, which featured a woman fellating a statue's foot and a crucifix covered in scalps.

Les Grands Films
Pictured: What your grandpa refers to as "The Good Old Days."

Related Reading: These aren't the only things from older generations that should terrify you. Take, for instance, Lucille Bogan, who sang about boning dead bodies in the '30s. And if that's not enough, then check out Lawson's vaginal washer.

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