#3. Teachers Keep Working Bizarre Slavery References into Math Homework
Obviously students need to learn about slavery, since the practice influenced pretty much everything that happened in American history up until, well, now. But there is a time and a place to talk about it, and that does not include working joke references to slavery into math homework, as one New York City teacher did:
"If European expansion began in 1419 and it's currently 2014, how long until Whitey gets what he has coming?"
You might be thinking that this had to be an isolated incident by some ridiculously ignorant teacher, but another teacher was forced to resign from a Georgia school after he also created slavery-themed math problems for his third grade class:
Bonus question: How many obsessive-compulsives did it take to prune the orchard to that level of consistency?
What the fuck? How in the hell did this happen more than once?
Wait, there's more! A third teacher, this one from Washington, D.C., was fired for also creating extremely graphic and unseemly math questions. These questions didn't feature slavery, but did contain kidnappings, bloodsucking, terrorists, and deaths. For example:
Tilda Tiger has many hungry children to feed on Thanksgiving Day. She caught 169 Africans, 526 Americans, and 196 Indians. She then put the people equally into 9 enormous ovens to bake. How many desperate people were in each oven?
See, Mom? We told you math corrodes your brain.
#2. Teacher Skins Coyote in Class
In a break from the longstanding tradition of dissecting frogs and pigs in high school, Massachusetts teacher Miles Dowling thought it would be really neat to drag the carcass of a coyote in front of his class and skin it for them. No matter that Dowling teaches carpentry, not biology, or that a coyote is not exactly standard issue when ordering from the specimen supply company.
"I've only brought woodworking tools, so this'll be messy. Gather 'round."
That's because Dowling got his coyote the same way we all do: He picked it up from the side of the damn road. Where others see roadkill, Dowling sees opportunity. You see, Dowling fancies himself an "amateur taxidermist," which is really just a socially acceptable way of saying "I rip apart furry creatures for fun."
You don't want to see what he assigned for an Easter project.
After Dowling made it to the school with his prize, he hauled it in front of his students and allowed them to assist him as he relieved the coyote of his skin. Not surprisingly, the Department of Public Health had a slight problem with kids being allowed to handle dead wildlife.
To make things worse, Dowling's trophy wasn't even a fresh kill, but had been baking in the sun long enough to turn its brains to mush. As such, it couldn't be tested for diseases, which meant Dowling's students had to go for after school rabies shots.
#1. A Welding Teacher Stages a Mock Execution
When standing before a classroom of adolescent students and attempting to cram something like useful information into their Xbox-addled brains, the ability to keep their attention is the closest a teacher might come to finding the Holy Grail. A 60-year-old welding teacher from Virginia recently had enough of his students' insolence and disciplined them the only way he knew how -- by lining them up against the wall and summarily (simulating) blowing their brains out.
David De Lossy/Photodisc/Getty Images
Which may explain why the reading assignment the night before was Ezekiel 25:17.
Manuael Dillow was evidently at his wits' end about how to get his students' attention when he had the bright idea to borrow a blank-firing handgun from a staff member from another department and use it to scare the dickens out of his students by firing it at them point blank.
After the targeted students realized they weren't hurt (although they probably had to change their pants), they presumably gave their undivided attention to Dillow's very important welding demonstration for the rest of the period, because a man that unhinged and in possession of a welding torch is no one to be messed with.
Digital Vision./Digital Vision/Getty Images
If you can't hold a kid's attention with this in the first place, maybe teaching isn't for you.
Unfortunately for Dillow, discharging a weapon directly into someone's face, even if it's unloaded, is apparently a crime, and he received a five-year suspended jail sentence and two years' probation for the prank. The kids learned something valuable about the world that day: The standards for getting hired as a schoolteacher in some places are just lax as shit.
Related Reading: For some lessons you wish they'd taught in school, clickedy click right here. Interested in the real reason "they" don't want evolution taught in schools? Cracked videos can show it to you. We've also got the craziest examples of people teaching animals, if you just click here.