8 Essential Black Friday Purchases to Make This Year

#4. The Gift of a Night Out Drinking

You know your friend who's always too busy to take any time off because of her fast-paced office job where she wears actual pants that go to a dry cleaner and everything? You need to teach her to relax by taking her out drinking -- responsibly.

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Pictured here.

Fuck yeah! Turns out science has figured out a lot more about drinking than you realize. For example: the cure for hangovers? Bacon. You're welcome for that, forever. But there are a lot of other tips your fastidious friend can bring with her into that oh-so-boozy night, like the fact that alcohol makes you more susceptible to freezing to death, that booze is more likely to kill you than any illegal drug, and that a lot of the myths we have about drinking responsibly ("Sleep it off!") will actually kill you deader than the last guy to make a sudden movement at Liam Neeson's PTA meeting. Armed with this knowledge, you and your friend can really cut loose, let your hair down, and fucking chug in a responsible fashion with adequate water in between and spread carefully throughout the course of the night!

#3. The Gift of a Good Night's Sleep

So you've got a friend who always has bags under his eyes who calls you at 3 a.m. to relate how worried he is about all the sleep he's missing. You know what he needs? Something to help him relax -- like a rocking chair. No, we're kidding, rocking chairs are for old ladies, not to mention incredibly dangerous. What he needs is confirmation that it's everyone else who's sleeping wrong.

Tom Le Goff/Digital Vision/Getty Images
You fool.

The reason your friend is having trouble sleeping is because he, like virtually everyone else in the industrialized world, is trying to force himself into an unhealthy sleep pattern. We used to sleep in two four-hour chunks punctuated by a brief sex break in the middle of the night, but ever since the advent of electricity, our double whammy of responsible-length naps has been crammed into one long slumberous binge. So buy your friend a good night's sleep, along with a reminder that he should read it by candlelight.

#2. The Gift of How to Survive a Gunfight

You know your friend who's always getting into gunfights? C'mon, we all have one. Your first instinct might be to buy her some guns, but let's be honest -- if she's around to receive gifts, she's already got plenty of those. No, what she needs is guidance, and not only will the Cracked De-Textbook clear up most every misconception anyone has about guns (do you think silencers keep guns quiet, or that fully automatic rifles are practical in a fight? You're wrong!), but it'll help correct her life's course. Because if she's been in multiple gunfights, either she's had a truly epic streak of John McClane bad luck or she seriously needs to change the strategy she uses to make life choices.

Jason Stitt/Hemera/Getty Images
Waving a gun around while shouting so rarely improves a situation.

#1. For the Guy or Gal Who Has Everything

If you have friends who already know all this and have no need to improve their lives at all whatsoever, then the only real choice here is to get them the Cracked Alumni T-shirt, because whether they have actually been reading our website and books or not, they're the kind of people we want on our side. So give them our number. But casually. In fact, just drop it like it was an accident. No, you know what? Give it to them, but subtly. We don't want to seem desperate.

But be sure to let them know we're real easy.

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