#2. Mickey Rooney Is Pissed and Doesn't Care Who Knows It
Kris Connor/Getty Images Entertainment/Getty Images
"The Last Night of a Jockey" is an old Twilight Zone episode about a jockey who gets suspended from riding horses, then wishes he was bigger. The wish, obviously, backfires, because The Twilight Zone was basically one giant PSA about the dangers of evil genies. As far as episodes go, it's nothing special -- until you hear the commentary of Mickey Rooney (who stars as the jockey) and one incredibly brave interviewer.
"... and the two of them have just crossed into ..."
Things start off ... poorly. It's obvious that Rooney doesn't want to be there, and has in fact vowed to be a grumpy old fart the entire time.
Interviewer: Do you remember much about this episode?
Rooney: No. I don't remember anything.
Interviewer: Well, we'll watch it together for the first time.
Rooney: I don't care ... anything about it.
For those of you who don't vividly remember the Charleston, Mickey Rooney was known for being small. The interviewer helpfully tries to point this out early on, and gets smacked down.
Interviewer: What today's audience doesn't understand ... anytime anybody said anything about a "short" you were the butt of jokes-
Rooney: [shouting] Well, I'm tired of that!
You can't help but root for the poor interviewer. He keeps trying his damnedest to make the commentary into something informative, or at least interesting, but Rooney's attitude makes that completely impossible.
Interviewer: What was going on with you when you were making this?
Rooney: I don't remember! It's too long ago!
Oh God, it's like being trapped in an elevator with a bull.
Kris Connor/Getty Images Entertainment/Getty Images
The secret to surviving both is "avoid eye contact."
Toward the end, the interviewer makes the mistake of insisting that The Twilight Zone was an important show. It is then that we finally get a glimpse into the mind of Mickey Rooney. And find that it contains only misplaced rage at Internet pornography.
Interviewer: I was looking for you to explain to the younger audience, because they don't understand-
Rooney: The younger audience doesn't want to see this!
Interviewer: Oh, that's who's watching this.
Rooney: No it isn't!
Interviewer: Yes, it-
Rooney: They're watching ... sexy things.
David McNew/Hulton Archive/Getty Images
Very sexy ...
Haha, what? Where did that come from? Does Mickey Rooney think his rise to stardom was thwarted by Internet porn? What does sex have to do with literally anything they were talking about? It's like his rage is shutting down his language center.
Did we mention that the underlying theme of this episode is an angry, petty misanthrope who gets his deepest wish -- to be a big man -- but finds that he's still just as angry and petty as ever inside? We don't bring that up for any reason. We just thought it was interesting.
#1. Arnold Schwarzenegger Really Enjoys His Own Movies
Arnold Schwarzenegger is an Austrian actor who made a name for himself in the '80s by starring in action flicks like The Terminator and Total- oh, you've heard of him! Lucky us. That saves us some preamble space. Did you know he's totally fucking adorable? Because seriously ...
It's hard to explain just how hilarious Arnold's commentary is, and it happens for every single movie he's ever been in. It's like he's his own biggest fan. He's like a 10-year-old boy explaining the movie to his friends using action figures to act out the fight scenes. Here, start with the Total Recall track, which basically consists of him enthusiastically describing everything in the movie as it happens. We have a challenge for you: Just try to read any of these lines without mentally doing a terrible Ahnold impression.
Arnold: Here, this is my job, I'm a construction worker.
He then started making indistinct jackhammer sounds.
Arnold: I put the wet towel on my head, so they cannot detect where I am. I run around like an Indian.
Unfortunately, the audio-only commentary couldn't show the "Was that just racist?" look shared by everyone else in the room.
Here's what he has to say about the spaceport scene where he disguises himself as an old lady.
Arnold: I'm actually hiding underneath the thing, which is the amazing thing that you find out later on.
"You can stop saying 'two weeks' now, Arnold."
Sometimes he even seems to forget he's not actually on the screen, like when he yelps "ow!" after Sharon Stone kicks his character in the crotch.
In his defense, we went a little tense at that, too.
He shares the whole commentary with director Paul Verhoeven, but keeps talking over everything Verhoeven says in his excitement. Here's his reaction after watching his character finally recalling his secret spy abilities and taking out a bunch of bad guys:
Arnie: And I'm totally amazed!
Paul: And he's looking, and he says, "Is this me?"
Arnie: And I look at the gun!
Paul: So this is really, this is-
Arnie: Exactly. "How did I do that?"
Maybe you just had to be there.
Throw in a few spit-rich explosion noises and this is exactly how your 6-year-old would describe Skylanders to his disinterested uncle. Here's all Arnold has to say about Conan the Barbarian:
"Look at me sleeping there, that is funny." -Actual commentary
In his Terminator 3 commentary, Arnold gets really distracted, speculating about how great it would be if women could actually adjust their boob size at will.
Arnie: This scene with the enlargement of the breasts was fantastic ... in the audience you see immediately women in the audience saying "Wouldn't it be nice, where can you get that done?" Because there's some guys that like little breasts and there's some guys that like big breasts so wouldn't it be nice if we could play both sides you know and sometimes even simultaneously?
Warner Bros. Pictures
It's better with the sound effects.
We know Arnie's got his issues: the steroids, the sexism, the puns he reflexively utters after murdering folks. But turn on commentary for one of his movies sometime and try not to be utterly charmed as a man that could tear your head off with his teeth turns into an excitable child every time something explodes.
Dustin Koski is also the author of the serial novel Please, God and looks forward to doing commentary on it if you visit it and vote it up. Also he recommends David Dietle's Gloom. Michael Taylor writes about the best in alternative rock, cult classic films, TV, and other geek pop culture goodness on his blog smellslikeinfinitesadness.com.
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Related Reading: If you love meltdowns, check out this news anchor who destroyed his career in three seconds. And then there's the violence filled meltdown of actor / comedian Katt Williams, the only man to use a motorized shopping cart as a getaway car. Of course, no discussion of people flipping the fuck out would be complete without these actor meltdowns behind famous movies.