Lord Byron was a leading figure of the Romanticism movement in Europe. He is best known for the epic Don Juan, which has become a universal term for an incorrigible lover of women, in addition to being constantly confused with a Johnny Depp movie. When Byron died at the age of 36, the entirety of Britain went into mourning. Also, he kept bears as pets, and that is just tits.
Plus, he always walked in slow motion in the wind, so he looked ultra sexy.
But Behind Closed Doors ...
We've already discussed Byron's tendency to have sex with absolutely everyone in the entire world, including his half-sister. Today, any self-respecting womanizer would be likely to keep pictures or stalk the Facebook accounts of his various conquests, but back then it was more common to keep a lock of hair, which was a practice Byron totally participated in. However, rather than trim a honeyed curl from the head of one of his beautiful ladies and tie it with a wistful ribbon, Byron preferred to chop a tangled clump of matted wirebrush from her bristling angry pubic mane and stuff it into an envelope like an electric bill. He did this because he was both eccentric (see "pet bears," above) and a goddamned lunatic (see "half-sister sex," above).
"What really matters is which half of her was my sister."
Byron collected genital beard trimmings from every lover he could and kept them on file at his publishing house, where they remained for more than a hundred years after he died, because they evidently don't clean out their filing cabinets often enough.
If you're into movies at all, you're probably already aware of Quentin Tarantino's notorious foot fetish ...
... but that's just a Hollywood thing, right? People in the movie business dabble in wholesale weirdness. It's not like you'd see the great masters of modern literature jerking off to pictures of painted toenails.
But Behind Closed Doors ...
As it turns out, the list of famous people with foot fetishes reads like an all-star bowling team of great writers, including F. Scott Fitzgerald, Thomas Hardy, Victor Hugo, Goethe, Pushkin, and Dostoevsky.
For instance, when he wasn't busy writing Faust, Goethe managed to find a woman named Christiane von Vulpis who shared his interest and would send him pairs of her "danced-out shoes," which is like mailing a guy your dirty underwear, only much more unsettling on a deeper level. Von Vulpis also nicknamed Goethe's penis "Herr Schonfuss," or "Mr. Nicefoot," which we assume indicates that he put toenail polish on his dick and/or kept it bunched up in a wingtip loafer.
Which explains why he always had a look that said, "They know. I can feel them staring at me. Always staring."
Meanwhile, Victor Hugo indulged his foot fetish in an entire foot-torture scene in The Hunchback of Notre Dame, which doubtlessly left him harder than the stone gargoyles in the Disney adaptation:
"I saw your foot, which I would have given an empire to kiss, that foot by which to have been trampled upon would have been to me happiness, I saw it encased in the horrible boot that transforms the limbs of a living being into a bloody mess."
And in Eugene Onegin, Pushkin veers off-topic to deliver a rambling five-stanza ode to the zipper-chaffing boner rays emitted by women's feet:
Diana's breast or Flora's cheek,
Are enchanting, friends, I find!
Yet Terpsichore's foot I'd seek
Far more enchanting, to my mind.
Since, foretelling to my gaze
Pleasure in a thousand ways,
Its subtle beauty lights the fires
Of a swarm of sweet desires.
Such I adore, my dear Elvina,
Beneath the table's damask gloss,
In the springtime on the moss,
In winter, resting on the fender,
Or on the ballroom's gleaming floor,
Or the granite of the shore.
Pushkin literally says he would rather stare at a girl's foot than her breasts or her face, which in addition to many other things is the precise definition of a foot fetish.
Jupiterimages/Polka Dot/Getty Images
The second they all start doing the moonwalk, it's considered an orgy.
So what we're saying is it would seem that something about being a tradesman of the written word makes people hungry for bunion sex. In fact, if you take a look at Quentin Tarantino's filmography, you'll see that he's a more prolific writer than director, which could explain his trademark predilection as being the product of a predisposed urge that was awoken inside of him after spending so much time in close proximity to Uma Thurman's walnut-crushing gorilla feet.
Charlie Chaplin is one of the most instantly recognizable film stars of all time. His face has become so iconic that some people don't even realize he was a real person and not just a generic mascot for black-and-white movies sporting what would eventually become the most unfortunate mustache ever.
Chaplin was a huge star of the silent film era, making several films featuring the Little Tramp character (pictured above), as well as a handful of scathing political satires, including The Great Dictator, which ridiculed the Nazi regime, and Monsieur Verdoux, which at the time was loosely described as an anti-war film but is really just about a guy who marries rich women and murders them to inherit their fortunes. Chaplin's left-wing viewpoints led to him being investigated by the FBI and subsequently exiled from the United States, back when Americans thought deporting people for their political views was in keeping with the spirit of freedom and liberty (luckily, nothing like that happens anymore).
"Fine, I'll go. But I'm taking this strange child with me."
But Behind Closed Doors ...
Chaplin did his very best to have sex with every single woman he came into contact with who wasn't already related to him. He organized orgies with fellow comic star Fatty Arbuckle, which is something you would assume people would only agree to at gunpoint, because in addition to looking like a portly cherub-faced gremlin, Arbuckle is most famous for being accused of literally raping a woman to death (though was never convicted).
Fatty, having a good chuckle, reading the court transcripts.
Also, Chaplin was allegedly the first person to implement the "casting couch" method of auditioning new young actresses. This being the silent film era, he would use caption cards to prompt the girls into various actions that would steadily become more and more suggestive until they were eventually just standing there with their clothes off. Chaplin would then do a little mime soft-shoe over to the couch and start groping them in a bizarrely exaggerated fashion, presumably in sepia tones with a jaunty piano accompaniment. He would then stand the still-naked girls against the wall and throw pies at them, bringing a delightfully hilarious end to what was probably the most terrifying experience of their entire lives.
"You look cold. Why don't you strip down and I'll make you a piecoat."
When Paige Turner isn't writing about dicks on the Internet, she's ... writing about dicks elsewhere. Because everybody needs a hobby.
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For more famous freaks, check out The 10 Most Unlikely Celeb Porn Stars and The Top 10 Celebrity Sex Videos Nobody Wanted to See.
If you're pressed for time and just looking for a quick fix, then check out 4 Great 'Peanuts' Specials for Traumatizing Children.
And stop by LinkSTORM to see how Superman used to be a Super Pervert.
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