You probably already know that the Bible you have on your lap as you fact-check Cracked articles has been heavily edited. That's not necessarily a bad thing, it's just that, as you can imagine, over the centuries lots of people have tried adding their own books to it, to advance an agenda or because they thought it would spice things up.
The point is, there are whole other books that used to be part of the Bible, until someone took a hard look and said, "No way." And it's too bad, because some of the miracles performed in these apocryphal texts are freaking amazing.
5 John: Commander of Bed Bugs
Early Christians considered The Acts of John to be the gospel truth, just like the Four Gospels and the fact that it's going to rain right after you get your car washed. That is, until church officials took a harder look at the stories in the book in 325. Not only was The Acts of John bounced out of the Bible, but the church burned all known copies. That's how bananas it was. Keep that in mind as you read further.
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"And it came to pass that the LORD did a sick-ass back flip, and the panties did fly with the wings of a dove."
So, John is traveling around to spread the gospel as far as he can and has amassed a decent following. The group he is traveling with comes to an abandoned inn, and they decide to rest for the night. Too bad there's only one bed, which obviously goes to John. Double too bad that the bed is full of bed bugs. How do the apostles know? Because John talks to them. Not the friends, the bugs:
I say unto you, O bugs, behave yourselves, one and all, and leave your abode for this night and remain quiet in one place, and keep your distance from the servants of God.
"Behave yourselves," he says, like he's talking to a pre-K room of humans or characters in an Austin Powers movie. The next morning, when the group wakes up, they see a brigade of bed bugs standing patiently outside the door of the inn, waiting:
"Since ye have well behaved yourselves in hearkening to my rebuke, come unto your place."
"But wipe your damn feet, I just mopped!"
John invites the bed bugs back into the house, and they immediately crawl back into the bed and disappear into the crevices. Win-win for everyone.