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7 Things You Won't Believe Science Says Make You Happy

You can find plenty of articles in magazines or on the Internet with tips for living a happier, more fulfilling life. Things like "exercise" and "be an understanding spouse" are all time-honored ways to beat a path to happiness, and won't be included here. But there are also some seemingly random activities that are more like cheat codes to happiness -- things you never would have expected can actually make you feel better about yourself and your life in general. For instance ...

#7. Watching Sad Movies

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Look at a list of the Best Picture winners from the past 25 years, and you start to notice a trend. Schindler's List, Braveheart, The English Patient, Titanic, Million Dollar Baby, The King's Speech. These movies don't just have a few sad moments. They are tear porn -- building to climaxes that are specifically designed to make you weep in public. On the surface, this makes about as much sense as giving out awards to the year's saddest funerals, or most embarrassing schoolyard beatings.

Scientists were curious about this, too, so they conducted a study involving a few hundred participants and the 2007 film Atonement, which if you haven't seen it is best described as "every sad movie ever made, for two hours."

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Theater staff are required to keep water and salt tablets on hand to stem the dehydration death toll.

Before starting the movie, the researchers asked the participants how happy they were with their lives in general, including their goals, their relationships and the ever-looming possibility of being stricken with sudden and inexplicable cancer (probably). As Atonement squeezed all the tears from their faces over the next 120 minutes, they were asked the same question three more times. After the movie was over, the researchers asked the participants to rate their emotions.

They found that the participants had become happier after getting taken in by the wailing opera of despair, because they had subconsciously compared their own close relationships with the horrible tragedies onscreen. Watching others fail on such hopelessly spectacular levels actually made them feel better about their own lives, sort of like watching Titanic and saying to yourself, "Gee, I guess getting passed over for that promotion isn't so bad. I could've frozen to death in the Atlantic while staring into the eyes of my latest one-night stand."

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"Still didn't get to draw anyone naked, though."

So, the next time you and your significant other have a terrible heartbreaking fight that leaves you red-eyed and considering a hunger strike, have a mini-marathon of Braveheart and One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest (or play them both simultaneously on two different televisions, if possible). You will instantly feel better about every poor decision you've ever made.

#6. Eating Red Meat

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We've reached the point in the war on fast food where studies are now claiming that red meat will try to murder you like Ian Holm in Alien. But even if that's true, you will apparently die happy -- another study has found that eating red meat is actually very important to your mental health. It makes enough of a difference that consuming less than the recommended amount (or none at all) actually doubles your risk of depression.

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Which is why Chick-Fil-A no longer sells Lionel Richie CDs and guns with their meals.

The study followed 1,000 Australian women, tracking their eating habits and their emotional health. They then made sure to take into account all other factors, including socioeconomic status, physical health, weight, age and the fact that they live in Australia. They even kept track of much of the other types of foods they ate, such as chicken, fish and vegetables. Even with all of these taken into consideration, the researchers still found that the women who ate the recommended amount of red meat (between 2 and 4 ounces four times a week) were much less likely to be depressed.

But before you rush out to eat your weight in cheeseburgers, it's worth noting that the researchers believe that the happiness was due to the high levels of nutrients and omega-3 present in specifically Australian red meat. Australian cattle and sheep are mostly fed fresh grass. American red meat is mostly reared on barnyard grain, which evidently is sown from the tears of orphans.

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The orphans were grass-fed, though! Which ... actually makes it worse.

#5. Keeping Your Mind Busy

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Unless your job is Batman, when you think about being happy, nine times out of 10 it has nothing to do with working. There's nothing more relaxing than the thought of lazing around on the beach or even just on the couch, sipping your favorite drink and letting time pass slowly by with no obligations.

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"Truly, I have achieved nirvana."

You probably know that keeping physically active is good for your internal happiness meter, but several studies have shown that keeping busy mentally makes you happier than just lying around on the beach, letting your brain take a breather like it's playing freeze tag with Gilbert Grape's mom.

In one study, scientists found that participants who multitasked (combined various activities like reading, watching television, studying, etc.) experienced more emotional fulfillment than those who focused on only one activity (or nothing at all). While their cognitive function and brainpower did suffer because of their attention being divided, their overall enjoyment was substantially increased.

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"My productivity is at an all-time low, but I'm as happy as a clam!"

In another study, researchers made participants say a bunch of phrases really quickly, with both positive and negative connotations. Regardless of what they were actually saying, the participants still felt a positive emotional boost just from thinking at a quick and continuous pace.

Why is this? One of the primary ways your brain keeps itself motivated is with a chemical called dopamine. It's the feel-good hormone that makes drugs so popular, but it's also an important part of the self-regulating system that makes you productive -- think of it as a doggy treat that your brain gives itself for doing something right. The more tasks you give your brain to accomplish, the more dopamine gets released into your system.


"I'm about to freebase some calculus. No one tell my mom."

Of course, this is technically cheating. You're essentially taking advantage of the fact that your brain grades itself on a super easy curve when there's some mood candy on the line. This is where workaholics come from. Like any mind-altering chemical, the dopamine that floods your brain when you get stuff done can be used responsibly, or it can keep you away from the people who love you and swallow entire chunks of your life. Chunks of your life when you will almost certainly be photographed wearing some truly embarrassing pants and hair styles.

#4. Getting into Fights

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Most people who are dicks are dicks on purpose. Human beings have the raw urge to be aggressive and start fights, even if they know that they're likely to absorb as many or more punches than they actually inflict. It's why we love wrestling and MMA so much as kids. But is there an extremely unsettling explanation for this obvious fact?

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Does it really require one?

Funny you should ask, because the answer is that, as far as your brain is concerned, fighting is exactly as awesome as sex. Scientists hypothesized that aggressive behavior triggers the release of dopamine, which, as we've covered, is the body's way of dangling a carrot in front of our faces.

This theory was tested in an aggression study on mice, using a "home" male mouse in one cage, and a few "intruder" male mice in another cage. The home mouse began the experiment with a little girlfriend mouse, but the researchers removed the female and replaced her with one of the intruder mice. The home mouse responded by beating the ever-loving crap out of the intruder. They took the intruder out and put him in his own cage, which the home mouse could open at any time by pressing a button. And press the button he did, continuously, to keep rodent-punching the sonofabitch that stole his girl (there is no indication whether the home mouse was wearing an Ed Hardy shirt and/or Axe Body Spray).

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"COME AT ME, BRO!"

After several more rounds of this (read: when it finally stopped being funny to watch a mouse relentlessly stomp another mouse out like a campfire), the researchers injected the home mouse with a drug that blocked the release of dopamine. Immediately, he stopped pressing the button. The home mouse's aggression was producing the hormone, and he was persistently attacking the intruder mouse to keep the dopamine flowing, much like a drug addict pursuing his next fix. Without the reward of this hormone, he no longer had any incentive to fight and just had to accept the fact that his girl was gone. So, he stopped pressing the asskick button and retired to a corner of his cage to listen to Death Cab for Cutie and flame negative comments on his deviantART poetry.

Anyone who has ever been in a toxic relationship or grew up with parents in a terrible marriage can identify with this behavior. Despite the fact that picking a fight or continuing one can't possibly benefit either party, arguments can rage through the night, both people driving themselves further and further up shit creek without a doghouse to sleep in. The only thing that ends the argument is separating the two and letting them cool down. Cooling down, of course, really means ending the dopamine bender they're actually on. So the next time you're fighting with your spouse, try disabling the button that slides back the glass partition you keep them behind when they've pissed you off.

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