#3. Bubble Eye Goldfish
Is it just us, or are those veins deeply unsettling?
It took years of careful study, selective breeding and painstaking genetic experimentation ... to craft the stupidest-looking fish in the world.
And it's not just looks: Bubble eye goldfish really are every bit as "special" as they appear. They're an infamously fragile breed, even in closely monitored aquariums. Other fish pick on them, anything remotely sharp is a popping hazard for those bloated sacs, and while they're obviously not going to shakily float away from any predators with a pair of pool floaties for a face, even when left completely alone they are "notorious for getting caught in the water uptake valves of aquarium filters."
It's actually not stupid at all; it just knows that it should not be.
But hey, it's all worth it, because there's no other fish on the planet that looks like it doesn't realize it can swim -- all just panicking down there beneath the water, frantically holding its breath like a Looney Tunes character.
Although Looney Tunes characters have much more realistic physiology.
#2. Korean Mastiffs (Mee Kyun Dosa)
Koreans are downright crazy when it comes to dogs. Don't worry, we're not going to make any tasteless, hackish jokes about eating them -- we're merely referring to the fact that, while other countries are breeding for qualities like "loyalty" and "poise," the Koreans breed dogs for their ghostbusting abilities, like the sapsali, or their ability to not have faces, like the Korean mastiff.
Also called mee kyun dosa, this dog's special breed attributes are its gentleness, severe cuddliness and occasionally out-of-control wuddliness. Also, something every breed page seems to emphasize is that they are "very inclined to be lazy."
Red Dragon Kennel
Mee kyun dosa are currently the heaviest dog in South Korea, maxing out at a ponderous 185 pounds. And since most people think big dogs = scary dogs, and idiocy is not a culture flaw exclusive to the West, Koreans commonly use them as guard dogs. A job they are obviously terrible at, due to the aforementioned laziness, gentleness and fingernail-sized field of vision afforded by those jiggly fat-curtains the selective breeders installed on their heads.
But honestly, who cares? Look how cutely tubby and sad-looking he is! He's a gentle, giant, lazy, fat, fat bastard of a dog. If that sucker doesn't already have a weekly comic strip entertaining children all over the world with his slacker adventures, we call dibs on starting one right now: His name shall be Morly, and his best friend shall be an anthropomorphic bed.
God, we are going to make billions.
#1. Pigeon Variants
Man has kept pigeons for 10,000 years, which is plenty of time to get bored with the very concept of an animal and start trying to make the ugly ones bone to see how funny-looking their kids will turn out. Here are some of the results:
There's nothing worse than klansbirds.
No, the above photograph isn't a lucky snapshot of a bird's head exploding out of pure confusion -- it's actually the Jacobin pigeon. And it's not a fluke or a weird angle: The entire breed looks like somebody sewed a feather duster onto a bird body, all the time.
Those are frillback pigeons, easily the most mocked pigeons in Pigeon High School. They enjoy spending time alone in their room, pretending to understand archaic English philosophy and the musical stylings of Morrissey.
These are not the result of a horrible avian disease, nor the aftermath of a bird sneezing so hard that its brains exploded through its nose. These are English barb pigeons, so named because they are believed to have originally come from the Barbary Coast of Africa, not because it was God's cruelest barb to build a bird with its head inside-out.
And then there are these guys:
That's a goiter, right?
Reversewing pouter pigeons, who have a big, awkward mass of random feathers instead of legs. Oh, not literally, of course -- the legs are still under there, and they can walk on them and everything. It just looks really stupid when they do so, because, thanks to the miracle of selective breeding, the entire species is permanently getting out of the pool with their swim fins still on.
For odd pairings in the animal kingdom, check out 10 Animals You Won't Believe Are Closely Related. Or learn about how else we've fucked around with animals in 7 Insane Military Attempts To Weaponize Animals.
If you're pressed for time and just looking for a quick fix, then check out The Truth About Ambition.