The 7 Biggest Dick Moves in the History of Superheroes

#3. The Justice Society of America Are Sexist Dicks

The Justice Society of America was the first comic book superhero team and consisted of the Flash, Hawkman, Green Lantern and a few others. The world at that time was constantly in jeopardy and on the brink of several wars, and everyone was expected to contribute in some way to the war effort. Since the team needed all the help they could get, they asked Wonder Woman to join them and use her amazing powers ...

Tax returns for superhero teams must be hideous.

... to be a secretary.

Even though the first time the JSA meets Wonder Woman, she has just single-handedly taken down "two landing forces" of Japanese soldiers who were waiting to ambush an American battalion.

All Star Comics #11 (1942)
"Saving the world's all well and good, but we think you'd really excel at saving us on toner!"

Once she's back stateside, the JSA immediately makes her the team's secretary and leaves her behind while they go off to fight in all the wars.

All Star Comics #12 (1942)
"Minutes for second meeting. Hawkman suggests kicking ass. Group proceeds with action. WW tries to slit wrists. Can't."

What makes this even more demeaning is that when Wonder Woman met the Justice Society, she actually already had a day job as a nurse under her alternate identity Diana Prince, which means that Wonder Woman basically used to save lives 24/7. But after joining up with the team, she was delegated to days of sharpening pencils and sitting around the JSA office waiting for the phone to ring so she can take a message, like, wicked fast.

Sensation Comics #1 (1942)
"Look, not all of us are lifesavers. Superheroes and nurses are, sure, and you are both. But we'd like you to be neither. Clear?"

#2. Reed Richards Couldn't Give Less of a Fuck About His Untrained Family in Space

If you watched the Fantastic Four movies, you might be under the impression that all four members of the team were either scientists or pilots, or were at least trained in some other rocket-ship-appropriate profession that would explain why an entire family went into space together. But the truth is that Sue and Johnny had these "jobs" created later to cover up just how much of a dick comic book Reed Richards really was, and how few fucks he gave about the people he supposedly loved.

Fantastic Four #1 (1961)
"Maybe I will pilot it. And maybe I'll expose my whole family to deadly space rays. Who's laughing now?!"

In actuality, when the team went into space, Reed and Ben were the only ones even remotely trained in any way to fly the shuttle. Sue is basically just Reed's too-supportive-for-her-own-good fiancee/eye candy, and Johnny Storm is a 16-year-old kid with a douchey look on his face who thinks it'd be nifty to go up into space. So how the hell did those two get up there if they haven't taken the necessary years of astronaut training -- did they sneak on board in secret or something? No, because that would make a kind of sense. Instead, Ben and Reed just drove them there and took them along with them, training and qualifications be damned.

Fantastic Four #1 (1961)
Any puppies or children that might want to come, too? My grandmother's always wanted to be in space, I'll give her a call.

Man, if Reed and Ben were willing to risk their jobs and family to go into space immediately, it must have been for something extremely important, though. Was the world in danger? Was there a cure for cancer up in those stars? Space boobs?

Fantastic Four #1 (1961)
"Even if it kills you!"

Maybe this negligence shouldn't be too surprising to any of us; after all, you really have to expect any superhero who names himself "Mr. Fantastic" to be kind of an asshole.

Fantastic Four #1 (1961)
"And because I mutilated all your bodies, I get to name our team after me."

#1. Superman Is a Super Bad Dad

Some people complain that Superman has too many powers to make him interesting, and those people have a valid point, because they probably aren't aware that Superman also has the power of World's Douchiest Superhero, as he is the only character who was a big enough dick to make it on this list twice.

For example, despite the fact that hundreds of people must be dying or in danger around the world every day, Superman always found the time to rescue his "best pal" Jimmy Olsen from whatever fucked up problem he got himself into that week, whether it be random mutations, mysterious superpowers or getting stuck with a beard.

After babysitting Jimmy for years to keep the schmuck alive, Superman decides to just officially make it his job to look after Jimmy and legally adopts him, which he then follows up with the most super domestic abuse you can imagine.

Superman’s Pal Jimmy Olsen #30 (1958)
"Oh boy, a father figure I can never live up to!"

The story starts with Jimmy being bummed while at a father/son picnic that he attended for some reason, despite the fact that he's an orphan and a grown man with a job and rent, etc. None of this matters to Superman, though, who swoops in and announces he's adopting Jimmy. Jimmy's stoked, but Superman proceeds to accomplish his first dick move in this story when he uses his powers to beat all the other father/son teams at every single event at the picnic.

Superman’s Pal Jimmy Olsen #30 (1958)
"Always use your powers for good, son. And to disillusion small children about their fathers, of course."

After the picnic, Superman takes Jimmy to a house that he's rented for them to live in with a conveniently marked "Secret Room" that Jimmy's not allowed in. Superman then continues his unofficial "look how awesome I am" day by taking Jimmy to his Fortress of Solitude, where he shows him how he saved an entire solar system once on a giant mural that he painted himself and most definitely doesn't whack off to when he's alone and turned on by his own greatness.

Superman’s Pal Jimmy Olsen #30 (1958)
"So yeah, if you cure cancer and AIDS? It still won't make an impression."

Superman then leaves Jimmy unsupervised to play with a lightning gun, then comes back a few minutes later, having decided he can't play with it after all.

Superman’s Pal Jimmy Olsen #30 (1958)

Superman continues this asshole behavior for a few days as he leaves Jimmy alone for long lengths of time, makes him do unnecessary chores and, in an impressive feat of emotional abuse, even frames Jimmy for things he knows he didn't do just so he can call him a liar and yell at him.

Superman’s Pal Jimmy Olsen #30 (1958)
The door was going to read "SECRET IDENTITY ROOM AND ALSO KRYPTONITE MINING MAP," but it was too long.

And then Superman burns the Father's Day present Jimmy got him.

Superman’s Pal Jimmy Olsen #30 (1958)
"What, were you crying when you stitched this? It's clear you were."

It's at this point that Jimmy's soul is completely crushed. He decides that he was better off as an orphan than as Superman's bitch and has the court overturn Superman's adoption of him.

Superman’s Pal Jimmy Olsen #30 (1958)
"Well, I guess it's back to the orphanage and -- oh wait, I'm a grown man."

As soon as Jimmy and his shattered self-confidence and ability to love leave the courtroom, Superman explains to him that he doesn't actually hate him and was trying to protect him. He just chose to do it in the douchiest way possible. It seems that while they were at the Fortress days earlier, Superman had consulted his prophecy-making machine, which warned him that "Superman will destroy his own son."

Superman’s Pal Jimmy Olsen #30 (1958)
And the prophecy came true, what with all of the psychiatric help Jimmy needs now.

Apparently Superman's reaction was "Yeah, that sounds like something I'd do," so he proceeded to treat Jimmy like shit so he would get the adoption annulled on his own. Some lessons need to be learned the hard way, and then never unlearned, because they were burned onto your heart, burned like the shoddy stitch work of a half-assed Father's Day gift.

Maxwell Yezpitelok lives in Chile, and you can bother him on Twitter. D. McCallum has more nerd comedy here or you can follow her on Twitter.

Superman isn't the only one who could be a jerk, check out The 20 Most Ridiculous Batman Comics Ever Released. Or discover the 6 Comic Book Crossovers You Won't Believe Actually Happened.

And stop by LinkSTORM to learn what happens when Magneto gets road rage.

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