'The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo' In Under 5 Minutes
The-Editing-Room.com is one of our favorite humor sites on the Internet. They've written abridged versions of some of the most popular movies from the past five years for us. Below, they've summarized The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, so you don't have to see it again.
FADE IN:
INT. PALE GREEN MILLENNIUM MAGAZINE HEADQUARTERS
DANIEL CRAIG is discussing his recent PUBLIC SHAMING with ROBIN WRIGHT.
DANIEL CRAIG
I've just gotten out of court for committing libel against Ulfrasen Fribergsgatu. Do you want me to discuss the court case for what will feel like hours?
ROBIN WRIGHT
Wait, isn't that the part of the book that's responsible for everyone saying "Yeah, it's a good book once you get past the first 100 pages"? No, it has literally never been this easy to make a movie that's better than the book, just get on with it.
DANIEL CRAIG
Alright then. But first, a random Nine Inch Nails video!
We cut to a JAMES BOND TITLE SEQUENCE ON MUSHROOMS.
KAREN O
Ahheeeaahhhhhhhhhh-aaaahhhh!
Come to the film that's really slow;
Where the story plods and the accents blow!
INT. PALE BLUE HEDEBY ISLAND, HEDESTAD, SWEDEN
DANIEL CRAIG is meeting with CHRISTOPHER PLUMMER.
CHRISTOPHER PLUMMER
Welcome to my island, Daniel. I am hiring you to investigate the disappearance of my 10-year-old blonde niece 40 years ago. You will have to interrogate my family, who all live on this island, except one 50-year-old blonde woman.
DANIEL CRAIG
Sounds easy enough. Tell me about everyone.
CHRISTOPHER PLUMMER
Let's just say that the many ex-Nazis are the least unlikeable members of my family.
DANIEL CRAIG
I will solve this mystery since I, just like the novelist Stieg Larsson, am a brilliant journalist! As it happens, I am also a dashing playboy who all women want.
CHRISTOPHER PLUMMER
Subtle.
DANIEL begins investigating by looking at a FUCKTON OF PHOTOGRAPHS.
Meanwhile ...
INT. PALE YELLOW YORICK VAN WAGENINGEN'S OFFICE
ROONEY MARA enters and sits down, but totally doesn't give a shit about it because fuck you, man.
YORICK VAN WAGENINGEN
Rooney, you've been declared mentally incompetent by the state because your hair is weird and your earrings look kinda like the aforementioned hair. As a result I've been assigned as your guardian to manage all of your finances, which I'm more than happy to do after putting my greasy wiener in your mouth.
ROONEY MARA
I'll do this, but only because being emotionally scarred is the easiest way to add a shred of complexity to an invincible ass-kicking ninja bisexual superhacker.
YORICK VAN WAGENINGEN
Holy shit, that worked? In that case, I'm going to tie you down and violently sodomize you as well.
ROONEY MARA
Hey, rape is one thing, but anal rape is crossing the line! Now I will seek revenge by sodomizing you with a steel dildo and tattooing you with the list of movie roles you will never be offered because you took this one!
This HAPPENS, and everyone in the AUDIENCE who came to see this the day after CHRISTMAS becomes filled with regret.
INT. PALE BLUE HEDEBY ISLAND, HEDESTAD, SWEDEN
DANIEL continues investigating CHRISTOPHER'S FAMILY. He interviews STELLAN SKARSGARD.
STELLAN SKARSGARD
The girl who went missing was my sister. She was very bright and set to inherit the family business, but then she disappeared and I took over instead.
DANIEL CRAIG
If this were some sort of dumb Hardy Boys book, I'd say you're the obvious killer. But since this is adapted from a critically acclaimed best-seller, it must be much more complex.
STELLAN SKARSGARD
It's safe to say you can expect more from the guy who directed Fight Club and The Social Network, right?
DANIEL CRAIG
Surely. I'm going to need a research assistant. And since this movie is already an hour in, maybe it should be the title character.
DANIEL goes to visit ROONEY MARA.
DANIEL CRAIG
I'd like your help in tracking down a serial killer. He seems to combine the ridiculous code-based clues of David Fincher's Zodiac killer with the religious zealotry of David Fincher's Se7en killer.
ROONEY MARA
Since I'm a supergenius, I've memorized all of the clues you have, including the ones you didn't show me. Wait a second, why are you the only actor in the movie who was allowed to keep your English accent? This is bullshit, I worked with a vocal coach for weeks!
DANIEL CRAIG
Oh, sorry. Shporken, forgen, bork!
ROONEY and DANIEL slowly uncover clues by staring in disbelief at photographs on their laptops and then explaining their discoveries to the AUDIENCE by way of the nearest PRINCIPAL CAST MEMBER.
ROONEY MARA
Hey, I'm trying to concentrate over here, can someone turn down the fucking soundtrack? I know Trent Reznor and Atticus Ross are proud of their ability to put a microphone in a tiny room with 50 keyboards and a couple of cats, but Jesus.
DANIEL CRAIG
Hey, one of these photographs has our disappearing girl looking afraid of someone across the street. Luckily, despite the odds against this, someone else was taking a picture directly behind her at that exact 1/50 of a second.
ROONEY MARA
So all we need is for the lady who took that picture 40 years ago to still have it and be able to find it among her collection of empty mayonnaise jars and National Geographics from the '80s!
DANIEL CRAIG
It's CSI for people who understand computers even less! We should be able to solve this right around when the audience members start cupping their hands around their cellphones to see what time it is.
ROONEY MARA
(gets naked)
Since this is a Stieg Larsson book, I assume all men are sex-crazed animals. Let's fuck.
DANIEL CRAIG
Well, girls who get brutally ass-raped typically go on to have normal, healthy sexual relationships with men afterward, so there's no way this is a really, really, really bad idea.
They SCREW.
DANIEL CRAIG
Oh shit! I just realized we haven't had one of those scenes where each murder is placed on a map in order to jump to some far-fetched conclusion!
ROONEY MARA
I'm on it. Should we use this this as an opportunity to show off my hacking skills or should I just generally act like an asshole alien to everyone with whom I come in contact?
DANIEL CRAIG
We've already had to pay both Apple and Microsoft enough, just be a bitch.
ROONEY MARA
Okay. Get bent, you fucking fuck fucker.
DANIEL breaks into the home of the person he suspects the most at the time when he is prepared to fight him the least.
STELLAN SKARSGARD
Bwa-ha-ha! I am a murderer after all!
DANIEL CRAIG
That's so unsatisfying!
STELLAN SKARSGARD
But not of the girl you're looking for!
DANIEL CRAIG
That's even worse!
STELLAN ties DANIEL up in his UNUSED SET PIECE FROM SAW III while listening to ENYA, because AMERICAN PSYCHO was a GOOD MOVIE.
STELLAN SKARSGARD
Before I kill you, I'm going to unzip your pants, since normally I bring women in here and it's habit. It's actually pretty funny that that's the real reason, but you do NOT want to be the one person in the theater who laughs during this scene.
DANIEL CRAIG
You'll never get away with this! Rooney is going to figure out the exact same thing as me at the exact same time, so in order for her character to not be completely worthless she'll have to rescue me!
ROONEY MARA
It's true. I'd like to kill you, but since you didn't rape me, it seems weird.
STELLAN SKARSGARD
(has car accident; dies)
ROONEY MARA
That'll teach you. Killing dozens of immigrant girls is one thing, but killing a white girl is crossing the line!
DANIEL CRAIG
Actually, I'm not sure he killed her. He said he didn't, and frankly I have no reason not to believe him, he seems like a stand-up guy.
ROONEY MARA
Maybe that one family member who hasn't really been in the movie knows where she is. I could hack her computer, since doing so is completely effortless and allows me to stream someone's desktop to my machine with infinite bandwidth.
ROONEY installs BACK ORIFICE and determines that the missing girl is alive and well and JOELY RICHARDSON.
JOELY RICHARDSON
Yeah, you got me. I ran away because my father was a serial murderer and then my brother also became a different serial murderer.
ROONEY MARA
Typical. Honestly, what family doesn't have a bunch of Nazis and a handful of serial killers?
DANIEL CRAIG
Well, they're dead, so you can go home and stop tormenting Christopher Plummer by sending him artwork that makes him think a cold-blooded murderer is taunting him annually.
She DOES!
INT. PALE GREEN MILLENNIUM MAGAZINE HEADQUARTERS
DANIEL attempts to destroy ULFRASEN FRIBERGSGATU. The guy from the beginning of the movie, remember? Blond guy, took CRAIG to court? No? Well, he was a DICK.
DANIEL CRAIG
I really want to get revenge on Ulfrasen! If only there were some way to magically solve any narrative complication!
ROONEY hacks ULFRASEN with MYSQL.
AUDIENCE
Wait, what's going on? The movie ended when they found the missing girl. Why aren't the credits rolling? Was I supposed to be caring about Craig's career the whole time?
ROONEY steals all of ULFRASEN'S MONEY using WIGS. She gives it all to an OLD GUY who was in the movie for three seconds.
AUDIENCE
No. The movie is over. Stop ending. Stop it, Fincher.
ROONEY buys DANIEL a jacket but sees him hold ROBIN WRIGHT'S HAND, so she throws it in the garbage, rides home in the dark and cuts herself while listening to MARILYN MANSON.
DIRECTOR DAVID FINCHER
Soooo ... I don't know if you guys have seen the box office, but you may want to hold on to that money if you're planning on getting me to direct the other two books. A good time is coming up -- I've got a break between projects I actually give a shit about.
END
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Doesn't anyone just go to the cinema to simply enjoy a movie anymore?
ReplyDid anyone else think it was extremley stupid for the old man to assume a killer was sending the paintings of the flowers every year....and to not come to the conclusion that harriet was in fact not dead, but alive and sending him these paintings annually? This movie should have never even happened. What an oblivious conclusion to draw from that evidence!
ReplyI read the books and saw the first Swedish movie. The series would have been much better if Mikael Blomkvist wasn't in them. He was boring as hell and didn't do much besides f**k every last woman that were even briefly mentioned.
ReplyWhoa, hold it there. I liked this movie. I'm not going to say whether or not it was worse/better than the Swedish original seeing as I haven't seen it, but at the same time, it strikes me as a little obnoxious that whenever a movie is at least moderately well done, people have to go out and scream "LAAAAAAAAAAAAAME" or write sarcastic five-minute scripts online.
ReplyI'm done. Do your worst.
WAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLTTTTTTTTT!
I actually loved both the book AND this movie, but this cracked me up! The main thing that disappointed me about the movie was the lack of memorable dialogue. There are SO many great lines in the book that didn't make it into the movie.
ReplyAww I actually loved this movie, but I think its because I liked the books so much. Didn't get why the Enya was necessary...the whole theatre I was in laughed at that. Also I'm a straight female and I would defs agree that she was.
Replyapparently when they were looking for a song to play for that scene daniel craig scrolled through his ipod and stopped on something at random. he was then met with much pointing and laughing. according to imdb anyway......
Is it weird that I find Rooney Mara unbelievably hot in this movie?
ReplyNo, no it isn't.
Nope.
I've watched the first one of the Swedish version and am going to pop the second one in my computer as soon as I finish this comment. Nothing could possibly persuade me to see the American version. I have no idea why we feel the need to remake foreign films for American audiences. Are people seriously that stupid that they can't just read the subtitles?
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesYes, yes they are.
It depends on whether more nudity is needed and also its nice to hear rather than read a movie with subtitles.
Subtitles suck. I'd rather learn the original language the audio track is in than read subs. And Swedish is a bitch.
Brilliant. I honestly don't understand all the good reviews this film is getting. This script does a great job describing my viewing experience of it.
Reply★★★★★ My friends told me about---onenightcupid.c/0/m---. She told me it is the best
Replyplace to seek casual fun and short-term relationship. I have tried. It is fantastic! Tens of thousands cute guys and pretty girls are active there. You wanna get laid tonight? Come in and give it a shot, you will find someone you like there. Have fun! 8_8
HAHA I like Gladstone too!
Tens of thousands, huh? Then why don't you found your own country based on screwing and GET THE EFF OUT OF OURS!!!
I liked the Swedish versions of all three films, so I'm going to see the American on principle and I love David Fincher. But I won't hold it in high hopes
ReplyI read the book, and was sad when I saw the cat in the US version. At least the movie wasn't another 20 min. long with Blomvist discussing not publishing the murder of Martin's immigrant victims just to protect Harriet Fuckin' Vanger.
Reply Hide All See All 4 RepliesSeeing cats should make you happy regardless of their country of origin. Are you a cat racist?
The worst kind of racism! Speciest? Catist? Either way, just f**k you!
Not if you know what happens to the cat.
Yeah uh. Man, that poor f*****g cat. It ends up looking kind of like pink, furry pudding.
Seriously... Why the f**k did they remake a movie that just came out 2 years ago? And why hasn't Fincher even tried to do anything good since Fight Club?
ReplyThe first rule of Fight Club is to never make another good movie after making Fight Club.
This was my mental commentary while reading the book. I will not see the movie.
ReplyGood article! I recently wrote a summary like this for the Bradley Cooper film 'Limitless'.
Reply Hide All See All 4 Replies"Limitless stars Bradley Cooper as Eddie Morra. Morra the main protagonist takes a pill, a pill which quadruples his IQ, allows him to learn several languages and acquire an immensely greater comprehension of the world in which he lives......
Basically, some American f****r takes a pill, then he evolves into a European."
But his personal hygiene also improves, so not quite.
So living in Europe is the evolved place to be? Seems to me you wouldn't have to learn all those languages if it wasn't for us, it would be German or Russian ;)
Also, yeah, the personal hygiene. Very non-European. Plus it looks like we're better with money :-P
Ha!
If Europeans are so smart then why are you on an American site speaking American English? Oh, because you're actually inferior to America and are insecure about it.
Oh, there's rape in it? It's going to get an Oscar! Rapes always get Oscars!
ReplyAnal rape probably gets a differently shaped Oscar.
This is funny. But your opinions are often douchey and unbearable. Also, I hate your snark. So, really, I found this a futile effort in not understanding the basic emotional premises of a film you didn't enjoy and not paying attention just so you can b***h about the plot later on the internet.
ReplyI find your use of the word "futile" to be a futile effort to make yourself sound intelligent, mostly because you used it in the same comment as the word "douchey."
Additionally, only cunts use the word snark. Go back to TvTropes.
My mom read this book last year. With the recent film release, I decided to read it and thought we could see it together. Then, when I actually read it and found out what went down, I never ever plan to see this ever with my mom. Ever.
ReplyAlso, yeah, the beginning does drag on in the book and it ended about fifty pages later than it should have
This was my exact situation, too. My mom thinks I should go see it with her and I told her flat out, no. She thinks I'm being unreasonable and I can't imagine what part of this film is supposed to be a time to bond as a family.
am i the only one that was horny the whole movie?
ReplyI was horny that whole year, regardless.
well, im sold, i really want to see this movie now. it sounds kind of like angie jolie shouldve been in it = automatic awesomeness (dont judge me)
Reply