6 Insane Batman Villains You Won't See in the Movies

#3. Kite-Man

Batman #133 (1960)
He leaves tangled strings on people's doorsteps and revels in their tortured screams.

The most ridiculous thing about Kite-Man isn't his name, or the notion of a supervillain whose only weapons are kites -- it's the fact that he actually gave Batman a good run for his money.

Batman #133 (1960)
Note how Batman's head is traveling in the opposite direction from the blow.

In this issue, Kite-Man uses his special kites to steal a priceless ruby right in front of Batman and Robin -- and instead of escaping, he swoops over to them and punches Batman in the face. The only thing we don't understand is how he's able to lift off with balls that massive. Also, note that his kites aren't powered by wind but by air jets, because he's not an idiot.

Batman #133 (1960)
This guy is like the Hitler of kite-related crimes.

Later on, Batman manages to catch up to Kite-Man while he's breaking some criminals out of prison with his giant kite ship, but the Dark Knight is no match for this guy:

Batman #133 (1960)
Later, Batman went to the park and punched a little girl for throwing a Frisbee at him.

Wait, why would Kite-Man attack Batman with a cheap piece of polyester when there's a gun right there? The answer is: because he can. Such is his mastery over kites. The writer of this comic couldn't have been making any other point.

After being captured by Kite-Man -- who seriously wants to tie him to a large kite "so everybody can take pot shots at him" -- Batman realizes his only choice is to fight fire with fire. Casting aside his vow never to brandish a deadly weapon, Batman fashions himself a kite out of the torn-off wallpaper of his cell and a sock.

Batman #133 (1960)
"To conquer kite, you must become a kite."

Batman uses his kite as an improvised Bat-signal and calls for Robin's help. Eventually they are able to end Kite-Man's reign of terror -- but only by turning his own kites against him. In the end, Kite-Man turned out to be one of the most formidable villains Batman ever faced. The only reason they'll never use him in a movie is that he'd make the main character look bad.

#2. The Penny Plunderer

World's Finest Comics #30 (1947)
Obviously Marvel had already copyrighted "Penny Pincher."

The Penny Plunderer is just a guy who really, really likes pennies. Look, we get that Gotham City criminals must feel a lot of pressure when it comes to picking a crazy theme for themselves (all the good ones are taken), but specializing in the thing of absolute least value in the world is stupid even by those standards. The only way this guy could have chosen more poorly is if he'd called himself "The Pocket Linter."

Still, we have to admire the guy's devotion to his theme: He not only steals pennies, but also uses them as weapons.

World's Finest Comics #30 (1947)
Which ... sort of defeats the purpose of stealing them in the first place, we think.

According to his origin story, Joe Coyne was fired from his job when he was caught stealing pennies to gamble in penny-pitching games. Disgraced, he turned to a life of crime, only to discover that his first target, a cash register, was filled entirely with pennies. This tragedy fractured his poor psyche.

World's Finest Comics #30 (1947)
"I'm so angry I could just arrange my socks by size instead of color!"

Dubbing himself the Penny Plunderer, Coyne begins terrorizing Gotham City with his penny-related crimes. Soon, news of his exploits reaches Batman and Robin:

World's Finest Comics #30 (1947)
"A slow death by copper poisoning. That's brilliant, Robin."

Using his famed detective skills, Batman is able to deduce that the Penny Plunderer will next strike at the exhibition of a priceless one-cent stamp (it was a big week for currency collectors, apparently). And then, because this is two well-equipped vigilantes against some untrained jackass, Batman and Robin catch Coyne right away.

Just kidding, they are defeated by pennies.

World's Finest Comics #30 (1947)
Being rich, neither of them was familiar or prepared to deal with such mundane objects.

However, the Plunderer ends up being betrayed by the same pennies he coveted when he finds himself unable to make a vital call because he doesn't have enough change:

World's Finest Comics #30 (1947)
But really, his fate was set the second he was born a Coyne.

Finally, he's captured and sentenced to death by the same justice system that keeps sending a serial killer clown to a minimum security mental asylum every six months.

World's Finest Comics #30 (1947)
This is the very definition of ironicality.

#1. The Rainbow Creature

Batman #134 (1960)
A surprisingly hard-hitting story about the depiction of homosexuality in the media.

As you may have noticed by now, there was a time when Batman's job consisted exclusively of fighting the most ridiculous characters ever created -- contemporary writers have actually tried to reconcile this period as "the time when Batman did a lot of drugs." We're not sure what the hell he was snorting when he fought the Rainbow Creature, but it must have been some heavy shit.

Batman #134 (1960)
"Tonight, 57 children dead after Batman derails a train."

The story begins when Batman and Robin arrive at an unnamed South American republic as special guests of the president. Everything is going well until they learn that a violent and wholly inexplicable multicolored beast is approaching the city from the desert. Also, it can kill things with its rainbow light.

Batman #134 (1960)
"Well, that's South America for ya."

Turns out that the creature can absorb colors from nature and turn them into increasingly bizarre superpowers: blue freezes things, red melts them, yellow makes stuff intangible and green ... well ...

Batman #134 (1960)
This is a common reaction to the flag of Mexico.

So wait, where the hell did this thing come from? A gang of bandit-looking rebels led by a Spanish conquistador claim they created it and demand that the president step down immediately, but Batman calls them on their bullshit when he realizes that they appear to be as scared of the creature as everyone else. To prove his point, Batman stops at what must be the only Toys R Us located in a war-torn South American village, buys a toy prism and uses it to trick the rebels into thinking the creature had returned.

Batman #134 (1960)

Based on no information whatsoever, Batman deduces that the monster must have been spawned by a nearby volcano, somehow, and that the only way to stop it is by forcing it to use up all its colors and trying to impale it with a large stake. This works, of course, because it's Batman's acid trip and he can do whatever he damn pleases.

Being the drug-addled figment of Batman's imagination is the best any of us can hope for.

For more bad guys that would've been better served on the cutting room floor, check out The 8 Least-Threatening Comic Book Villains and 5 Batman Villains Too Lame To Survive a Single Issue.

Recommended For Your Pleasure

To turn on reply notifications, click here


The Cracked Podcast

Choosing to "Like" Cracked has no side effects, so what's the worst that could happen?

The Weekly Hit List

Sit back... Relax... We'll do all the work.
Get a weekly update on the best at Cracked. Subscribe now!