5 Insane Celebrity Conspiracy Theories (That Make Sense)

#2. Elvis Presley Died From Chronic Constipation

The popularly accepted theory on the death of Elvis Presley is that he died as a result of cardiac arrhythmia (aka irregular heartbeat), possibly brought on by drug abuse and a gut-driven instinct to prove bacon and peanut butter were God's medicine.

And we've always presumed it was that last weakness that ate phat Elvis and left fat Elvis in his place. But one doctor (who also happened to be Elvis' personal physician) doesn't think it was necessarily his heart or his appetite that got him in the end.

Think lower. And browner.

The Theory:

Dr. George Nichopoulos thinks Elvis Presley died from chronic constipation. Before you say, "Hey, that sounds like a load of crap," please understand, the doctor makes a pretty hefty, odorous case. According to the doctor, constipation plagued Elvis for most of his "fat" years. In fact, he claims that those weren't even "fat" years. They were more like "holy mother of God, that guy has six months of fecal matter in his colon" years.

"It was really a physiological problem. During the last few years we were going back and comparing pictures, some of them were taken just two weeks apart but he looked like he'd gained 20 pounds when the only difference was that he had a good healthy bowel movement and then lost a lot of weight from that."

"The King needs to fire off a hunk of burning love."

Delicious! An autopsy revealed that his status in the rock community wasn't the only king-sized thing about Elvis. His colon was 5 inches in diameter, a good 2 to 3 inches larger than normal, and it was approximately 8 to 9 feet long. A normal colon is only 4 to 5 feet long. Which was why Nichopoulos was in talks to give the Pelvis a colostomy.

Seeing as how he was sporting a nine-footer, Elvis certainly had colon to spare, but the shame of admitting to poop problems in public was too much to stomach, and the potentially lifesaving surgery never happened. Instead, the man who invented rock and roll (for white people) stuck with a series of more traditional constipation treatments that led to frequent accidents and wardrobe changes on stage. Sad.

"Oh my God, how'd you get it on your scarf?"

For his part, Nichopoulos believes that the King would still be with us today if the procedure had been done.

Oh, hey, now that this article is about poop ...

#1. Hitler's Sadism Came From a Poop Fetish

Alright, we're not going to lie. Things are about to get nasty. Not only are we going to be talking about supreme devil #1, the big one, the grand slam of evil, but we're also going to be talking about the things that came out of his butthole. And why it gave him a boner.

We're so sorry. We really shouldn't have put this in the article. Editors, make sure to just cut this whole part before it runs.


The Theory:

In Freudian psychology, all kids have an "anal stage" of sexual development, around the time they start potty training. Supposedly if something weird happens in that stage that makes a kid fixate on the experience, it can manifest itself later as a sexual fetish. Hitler, for instance, was reportedly one of those people. We know because his girlfriend/niece Geli (you read that right) blabbed all about his feces fetish.

We don't have the stomach to write out the manifestations of this obsession, but it was bad. Real bad. Read up if you want, cowboy. But we're not going there. He was Hitler, and he was obsessed with poop, and that obsession got him aroused. Use your freaking imagination.

He insisted on his photos being taken in brown and white.

Now, here's where things get even weirder, if that's possible. Psychologists have speculated that the fixation came from his mother's harsh methods during potty training. Her abusive tactics apparently instilled in him an obsessive fear of germs and anything dirty (the "forbidden" nature of poop apparently being what turned him on).

Now, when it came to Adolph's feelings about the Jews of Germany, he uses some despicable language that we're obviously not going to repeat here. But you don't have to be a genius psychologist to see this bizarre link that he makes between the Jewish people and all things dirty. His mind not only made this insane connection, it also associated destroying all germs with destroying all "dirty" cultures. The obsession with "cleansing" humanity influenced his politics and made the foundation for his "sadistic character."

"Oh, man up, baby. It'll wash out."

So, to recap, Hitler's mother instills in him a fear of, and obsession with, excrement and dirtiness. This becomes an obsession with germs and cleanliness. Hitler decides the Jews and all non-white races are unclean. And the rest is horrifying, nightmarish history.

Adam Tod Brown is the editor of The Smoking Jacket. Mohammed Shariff would like to dedicate this article to his niece's first birthday. Kristi is an editor here, and can be found on Twitter.

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