4Skateboarding ... With Mini Motorbikes on Your Feet
Oh, come on. Is that a skateboard? A motorbike? A prop from an extremely low-budget apocalypse movie? A double Segway for the permanently splayed?
That bikini top has us convinced of this product's safety and utility.
The apparatus in question is called, honestly, the Wheelman Bushpig (Wheelman Bushpig!), and it's a skateboard motorbike. And while it sounds like the exact thing your 12-year-old self would have a happiness-prolapse over, take a moment and watch this promotional video before reaching for your credit card:
At first, it seems like everything is dandy in the world of these happy models, riding their Bushpigs on the beach like they were auditioning for a Mad Max/Baywatch crossover. And then you start to see the little signs. The way they all wobble on the bike and strain to smile while maintaining their bodies at unnatural right angles.
It's almost as fun as falling down the stairs.
Check out the look in their eyes as they realize they are driving a motorized vehicle that has no protection whatsoever and a blind spot of, oh, roughly 270 degrees because good luck looking around while trying to balance on that thing.
And that's the promotional video. Here's a guy attempting to perform tricks with the thing, in a video that should be titled "So Your Ankles Stole Your Woman -- A Practical Guide to Retribution."
Should you actually watch the videos and decide that this is exactly what the doctor ordered for your humdrum life, and if that doctor wasn't the deceased Dr. Kevorkian, you should be glad to know the company behind the Bushpig is a legit one. They even give their product a warranty. Of two months.
3Swimming Jumps ... With a Human Catapult
Maybe it's been a while since you've cannonballed into a pool on a hot summer day, but one whiff of chlorine and coconut sunscreen can usually bring it all back. It wasn't enough to sit on the hot concrete and daintily lower yourself into the water feet first -- at least not if you wanted to be respected by those punks you called your friends. If you were serious about summertime fun, you had to jump. And if you were dead serious, you had to make a splash so big all the grownups would go home on account of rain.
In other words, how you got into the pool has always been serious business. Today it just got seriouser.
Allow us to introduce you to the bone-breaker of your dreams. It's called the AirKick, and it's exactly what it sounds like: a giant commercial catapult designed for the sole purpose of launching you 26 feet into the air. Its driving force is about six buckets' worth of water, shooting through a rocket nozzle with enough pressure to fling a fully grown human.
Or a man-child.
Of course, where you land is your own business -- the manufacturer names swimming pools and foam pits as potential landing sites, but if you're the sort of person who purchases a goddamn human catapult for recreational purposes, chances are you can afford to get a lot more creative about your destination. (Vanilla pudding.)
Or a carpet of floating strippers.