The 4 Strangest Things Nobody Tells You About Life in China 5 Slapstick Failures by Modern Military Commanders 5 Things I Learned as an Anonymous TSA Blogger

6 Devices Made for Aquatic Supervillainy

#3. Rinspeed sQuba

Rinspeed

Just because you feed puppies to mutated penguins on the weekend doesn't mean you aren't a villain of class and sophistication. Keeping a large swath of the coastline in a stranglehold of fear and rolling in style don't have to be mutually exclusive anymore, not since the Swiss company Rinspeed manufactured the perfect car for today's stylish megalomaniac on the go. The Rinspeed sQuba is a fully submersible (and convertible!) sports car. Yes, exactly like James Bond in The Spy Who Loved Me ...

Rinspeed
Only this aqua-car is zero emissions. So you can act all self-righteous at the next MI6/SPECTRE holiday mixer.

Hey, just because the hero uses it, that doesn't mean the villain can't, too. If anything, there's a kind of poetic cruelty to using his own precious gadgets against him, or just to inflict general malaise and suffering.

Cops after you? Not a problem when your car is a submarine; just take that bank heist under the sea. Navy harassing you again? Let's see a destroyer follow your aquatic rampage into midtown, baby. The sQuba is the perfect car for crimes bridging both worlds, a high-speed, guaranteed escape, or just lazily giving the finger to any do-gooder who's less than completely amphibious.

Rinspeed
There's no way Q's name isn't somewhere on the patent for this thing.

#2. Electrofisher

People are swimming in your seas again. Well, they'll soon learn the folly of treading the tenebrous waters of your oceanic empire, won't they? The Electrofisher was ostensibly developed to stun fish for scientific research without harming them, but it'll work just as well on those buxom young vixens out for a nighttime skinny dip. It's basically a sea Taser, delivering huge amounts of electricity spread over a large surface area, completely paralyzing anything in the vicinity for up to two minutes.

Illinois Times
Is anyone else really, suddenly hungry?

There's even a portable backpack "Ghostbuster" model for individual use: It only delivers 200 volts, but it looks just like a metal detector, so you'll really be able to get right up on that target without arousing suspicion.

Getty
"Oh, don't mind me, just looking for boring old coins and A-HA! MOCK THE PHANTOM RAY, WILL YOU?!"

#1. Jetlev-Flyer

Supervillainy is tiring, thankless work. Sure, everybody wants the hippies to shut up about saving the damn whales, but you fry one little protester with your eel cannon and suddenly it's a "crime against humanity." You know what you need? You need to relax. Have some fun. Head on down to the beach, maybe rent a Jet Ski and just tool around. No, no that's not your style: Is there a recreational water vehicle that has all the fun of a Jet Ski but also says "I live inside of a hollowed-out reef and blackmail small island nations with controlled tsunamis"?

There is!

Meet the Jetlev-Flyer.

The flyer isn't going to replace a good old-fashioned shark hydrofoil as a daily commuter vehicle for the dangerously insane and fishy-smelling; it's purely recreational. The flyer is permanently attached to its power unit -- a small, automated boat that houses the motor and fuel -- by a 20-foot hose, thus limiting the distance and speed to safe and reasonable parameters. Of course, "safe and reasonable" is all relative when you're drowning children in your gargantuan, highly pressurized water jets, interrupting water polo games with your portable geyser or just cackling wildly at the looks of terror the parasailers get when they realize there's a madman chasing them through the air.

Marque-It
Legally, we don't think you're allowed to pilot this thing sober.

Yes, the Jetlev-Flyer finally allows you to relax, the supervillain way: At the great personal expense of innocents.

If you want to read about a real supervillain, check out Monte Richard's blog.

For more handy material on how to become a supervillain, check out 5 Real World Criminals Who Were Certified Supervillains and 6 Web How-To's That Are Apparently For Supervillains.

  • Random

Recommended For Your Pleasure

To turn on reply notifications, click here

203 Comments

The Cracked Podcast

Choosing to "Like" Cracked has no side effects, so what's the worst that could happen?

The Weekly Hit List

Sit back... Relax... We'll do all the work.
Get a weekly update on the best at Cracked. Subscribe now!