CRACKED ROUND-UP: Boer War Edition

Today, we at Cracked.com commemorate the brave soldiers who fell during the Boer War. If not for them, hordes of ravenous Boers would surely have overrun our paddocks and tennis fields. Their gallant sacrifice assured the freedom of generations.

Probably. None of us know what the Boer War was and Jack isn't letting anyone use Wikipedia until someone returns his stolen flensing knife.

It takes a brave man to cheer at the parasite-related suffering of animals, and Soren Bowie is that man. You wouldn't believe how often the SPCA calls this office. Bucholz brought a message of electronic doom to the masses, and all of you should heed his warning and stay off the Internet. Except Cracked. Brockway listed five gadgets that will let you start your own personal Inception. Gladstone was next with a prophecy of the Internet end times while Cody presented a list of movie pitches that Hollywood really should look at.

FUNKY TIME

See? People could party in the days before cocaine.

Notable Comment: "So, the Wari basically realized that they were on the way out, and instead of trying to change it or preserve their culture in some way, they decided "f**k it, let's all get drunk and then burn it all down and go die in the jungle." That's admirable in a f**ked-up-but-also-awesome way."

Actually Dauntasa, we have a similar plan if the bottom ever falls out of this whole "Internet comedy" thing.

BACKGROUND HEROES

6 Artists You Didn't Know Made Your Favorite Movie Moments Work hard, give it your all, rise to the top, and some day you too could end up almost entirely unknown for your achievements.

Notable Comment: "Inception sucked "

Shrimppuff, this might be the single most insightful comment on any one of our articles ever. Wow. You really encapsulated the whole spirit of the article. Nay, the whole Cracked voice in two simple words. We tip our hats to you, gentle wordsmith.

SECRET SHAME

6 Famous Artists You Didn't Know Were Perverts It's generally a safe bet to assume that all great artists were perverts.

Notable Comment:"Finally a Cracked article I can masturbate to."

That is literally the exact opposite of our intent, Baldseal. But we won't tell if you don't.

SURPRISING DELEGATION

6 Jobs You Won't Believe You Can Outsource People hate to do things for themselves. This is basically the entire foundation of our economy.

Notable Comment:"The idea of "renting a pet" is unbelievably stupid. You can go to any animal shelter or adoptive agency and play with the animals they have there. Who knows, you may even find one worth more than an hour of your time that you can save from being murdered. Sounds like a better deal to me."

Not only that, MissMaritime, but if you're hard-up for cash it's a fine way to stock up on cheap meat and fur underpants.

LOBOTOMUSIC

The 5 Weirdest Ways Music Can Mess With The Human Brain There's not much of a difference between outright mind control and a rockin' bass solo.

Notable Comment: "Studies have shown... Cracked has the highest number of groupy ass-kissers than on any other Web site."

If that were true, UncleScotty, there'd be a lot more ass-kissings around here..

Cody

Bill O'Reilly Teaches Kids About Science Nice work, Bill.

YOU YOU YOU!

If Everything Was Made By Apple We're practically giving money away! Wait, not practically. Totally. We're totally giving away money to people, people with mediocre to decent Photoshop skills. People like you. Wouldn't you like to be a person like you? This week, you can be by entering our latest contests, Tourism Ads for Undesirable Destinations and Movie Plot Venn Diagrams.

2.10.11:

Miles away, he heard his invention being insulted.
by CzechpointChrly

Editor's pick:

Though innovative, binoculars for the blind never caught on.
by Diasdiem

2.09.11:

Steve just knew he would be picked last for wrestling again.
by metsfan

Editor's pick:

Some days, he just likes to sit there and make the statues feel inadequate.
by Malaclips

2.08.11:

During the Great Depression, speed bump was actually a highly coveted and well respected job.
by GaseousClay

Editor's pick:

"In the old days, you could kill one bum per car, and that's why it's called a bumper, son."
by jonny

2.07.11:

You think this is hot, just wait until you see the robot they combine into
by bcanders

Editor's pick:

The Real Housewives of Gears of War
by Ceveron

2.06.11:

This is not what I meant by launching a music career.
by MattBlack

Editor's pick:

Fling us along, I'm a piano, man.
by savinator

2.05.11:

Next I'd like to play you a little something I call "12 O'clock".
by ShawnStu

Editor's pick:

This year's Superbowl halftime show was going to be awesome, but then this guy canceled and they got the Black Eyed Peas instead.
by Blinker_Fluid

2.04.11:

"Mr. Goodyear, I am having a real hard time believing that your son built his science project all by himself."
by Mario!!!

Editor's pick:

When it came to pleasing his wife, Howard Hughes spared no expense.
by ChaseMitchell