The good news is that you've found a girl worth going through the trouble of meeting her parents. The bad news is that no matter how hard you try, her dad would just as soon kick you in the throat than welcome you into his family. The other bad news is that there's nothing you can do about it, because the universe is working to make sure the old man hates you forever. Here's why:
#6. You Stink
And it's not because of your overindulgence of Axe body spray, either. Have you ever watched two dogs meet for the first time? There is a tensing of the muscles, a glare at each other, the raising of the fur, maybe the odd growl or two. Then the time honored ritual of sniffing the other's crotches. All that hullaballoo is about one thing: pheromones.
The dogs aren't just fooling around for the fun of it, hormone secretions are prompting them to behave this way. And if you think you and your girlfriend's dad are better than a bunch of street dogs, you've got another thing coming.
At least dogs have the decency to be open about it.
Why You Can't Win
You are getting your odor cooties all over his baby girl, and now he hates you for it.
"I'm gonna cut you like a side'a ham, boy."
And hates her, subconsciously. Smell is the only sense that plugs straight into the subconscious, which means that scents that you don't even know you're smelling affect your emotions and behavior. So, all his life this guy has subconsciously associated a particular smell with his daughter.
Maybe it was the smell of freesia laced with baby powder, who knows? But now she smells different. Why? Because of all that lovin' and touchin' and squeezin' you two have been doing. You've pretty much marked each other with your scents, and you've turned her into a stranger as far as his subconscious is concerned.
We see a loving couple. Her dad sees some dude getting stank all over his little angel.
At least you're not marking her by simply pissing on her, right? But good luck getting gratitude from her old man when you bring that up.
#5. You are his Fail Mirror
The doorbell rings and there you stand, all ready for your big date. Maybe you brought flowers. Maybe you even tucked your shirt in, not just to impress your girlfriend, but to make a good impression on her parents. But guess what? Basic shirt tucking skills are only going to take you so far with this guy, because as far as he's concerned, you are a vision of failure, through and through.
Not your failures, but his.
Which is not to say that you aren't riddled with failure.
Why You Can't Win
Now, we're not saying that he's jealous because you're so incredibly awesome and dude, he's so incredibly lame. We're saying that no matter what age you are, everyone feels threatened by younger members of the same sex. Which is why we have these creepy stereotypes of "daddy's little girl" and "mama's boy" - because parents tend to favor their opposite sexed children. Partly because we condition boys to be our competitors, and partly because we're all petty animals at heart. You showing up on his doorstep is like slapping the old man in the face with his own flaccid manhood.
We apologize for that mental image. Here's a picture of some nuzzling penguins.
Keep in mind, every middle-aged guy has some regret -- you will, too, once you reach his age and realize that you will in fact never have your own rap label. So, when you show up to pick up this guy's daughter, it's not just that he sees the douche who's going to be boning his little girl later (which he does, but more on that in a minute) he also sees himself at your age and all the wasted years in between.
Then again, maybe your girlfriend's dad is a billionaire, sky-diving globetrotter who's accomplished everything he ever dreamed of doing. Maybe you're dating Virgin Branson, Jr. Surely a guy like that won't feel threatened by some punk ass kid such as yourself? Think again.
You can't buy youth. We've tried.
#4. You are a Usurper
You could be as menacing as a McLovin/Urkel love child, sadistically named McLurkel. You could literally be a girl, it doesn't matter. When it comes to dating a man's daughter, you are first and foremost, a threat. And what you're threatening is his status as the alpha male, so you better take this shit seriously.
He will bite your face off.
Why You Can't Win
He is hardwired to see you as the enemy of his kingdom.
No matter how pathetically wimpish a man may be, he is always the alpha male of his own home and of his own children. For years, this guy has been the dominant man in his daughter's life. Suddenly, his begotten is ignoring him and slinking around with another man.
"Look at all those lemons. What's his game?"
And not even a real man, but some young kid, still wet behind the ears. One who, in the natural order of things, would easily be scared off with a simple growl, but now gets to lurk around and hold court with the king's little princess.
You're lucky he doesn't behead you in the town square as an example to the other horny young males.
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