Seriously, fuck every last one of you who isn't currently doubled up on a couch, weeping snot out of every pore and sneezing so violently your abdominal muscles cramp up and your bladder spasms.
Soren Bowie took us on a whirlwind tour of the Internet that left only a few billion stones unturned. Next, Bucholz delivered the terrible, tragic truth behind the Justin Bieber fame-machine while Robert Brockway gave a whole-life guide for celebrating Halloween. Seanbaby made fun of Turkish cinema again while Dan O'Brien corrupted the feel-good disaster of 2010.
|The 5 Most Mind-Blowing Coincidences of All Time
Sometimes the universe likes to fuck with our heads.
Notable Comment: Attention readers: your own personal mind-blowing coincidences will not be interesting until you become famous. Please go and kidnap/murder someone important before you waste our time.
|6 Things That Are Secretly Turning You Into A Bad Person
Not that you-being-a-bad-person is all that much of a secret.
Notable Comment:"Yeah, I've been telling people about number one for years now. Ever since I downloaded Event Horizon on The Pirate Bay. Did I say downloaded? I meant I watched it in the theatre! Twelve times! Really!"
It's okay, Silenus. Stealing from the people who made Event Horizon isn't a crime.
|The 5 Most Inspiring Things Ever Accomplished (While Drunk)
Reckless alcohol abuse is one hell of a muse..
Notable Comment:"As I recall, when someone complained to Lincoln about Grant being a drunk, Lincoln said "then send a case of whatever he is drinking to my other generals." ;-) "
Actually rwhaller42, something similar happened here at Cracked when Brockway had his first big hit. We spent the rest of that month huffing solvents and shooting research chemicals into our private parts. A lot of staffers ODed, but that year's Christmas party was pretty fucking spectacular.
FUCK YOU, HANKS
|5 Reasons 'Big' Had The Most Depressing Happy Ending Ever
Thinking too deeply about this movie is the third leading cause of Tom Hanks-related-suicide.
Notable Comment:"Or, he could go back to the Zoltar machine and ask it rewind him back to the moment before he made the first wish, but have him miss the shot. Plus, erase his memory back to that point. Or just have Zoltar come to life, and kill everyone."
Goreripper is our go-to source for nuanced, real-world solutions to complex problems.
|6 Habits You Didn't Know Were Keeping You Alive
Since only 40% of our readers pray for death on a daily basis, we figured this would be appreciated.
Notable Comment: "Breathing is a habit that keeps me alive. "
Have you ever tried not breathing for a while betamaxrules? You might really like it
Agents of Cracked
YOU YOU YOU!
|If Every Website Got A Dramatic Movie Adaptation
We're practically giving money away! Wait, not practically. Totally. We're totally giving away money to people, people with mediocre to decent Photoshop skills. People like you. Wouldn't you like to be a person like you? This week, you can be by entering our latest contest, Everyday Annoyances of Famous Fictional Characters
The first sexbot only gave handjobs... painful painful handjobs.
He has a face only a Stop sign could love.
And so ended The Civil Engineering War.
Ironically, he's returned to enslave the whole human race.
"Sure, a chastity belt is great and all, but how can I prevent my daughter from having ORAL sex?"
"Don't talk to me about naval tradition. It's nothing but rum, sodomy, and robotic underwater hell beasts." -- Winston Churchill
Becky, don't break up with me. I can change for you.
He can turn into a truck. She can turn into a psychotic bitch.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but this will fucking kill me!
Haha my didgeridoo magnet works!!!
It takes alot more effort to perform "YMCA" in Chinese
After weeks of practice, still no one has informed the Japanese rugby team exactly what rugby is.
The Death Tsar