The 5 Most Terrifying Jobs in the History of War
We here at Cracked are as guilty as anyone of celebrating badassery in war -- a dude who captures a whole Nazi platoon by himself deserves all the compliments he can get. But you always want to stop short of glamorizing war, so in that spirit, let's count down some of the mind-bogglingly shitty jobs people have gotten stuck with during wartime.
#5.
Crewman on Board a 19th-Century Submarine
The noble dream of sinking an enemy's ship with an underwater boat has been around since Leonardo da Vinci's day. But it wasn't until the Civil War that anyone really pulled off a boat that could submerge long enough to inflict any damage, so the Confederates really thought they had gained an edge over the better-equipped Union when they put the H.L. Hunley into water. If only they had given it the ability to get back out.
Imagine you're a member of the Confederate navy, being asked to try to climb inside this thing for the first time and give it a test run. It's a cramped iron tube, with a crank that drives the propeller. You're going to crouch down inside this dark, leaking coffin with seven other guys, then they're going to plunge the bastard deep into the freezing water.
Safe.
To be fair, the Hunley was pretty innovative for its time. The ship was equipped to hold eight crew; seven sailors turned a hand-crank propeller while one did the steering. Ballast tanks could be filled with water or pumped with hand pumps for submerging and rising out of water.
So the presumably terrified crew members climbed on board for its first test run. It plunged below the surface of the water ... then the skipper accidentally stepped on the hatch lever. Water came gushing in. Three members of the frantic crew were able to escape, including the skipper. The other five drowned.
Well, accidents happen. They brought the sub back to the surface, dragged the dead bodies out, and decided to try it again. Once more, imagine you're a volunteer. You could probably rationalize it; after all, they'll surely make sure nothing goes wrong this time, and the sub's inventor, Hunley himself, will be taking part!
It sank again. No one survived, including Hunley.
Even his sideburns drowned.
What else was there to do but drag it up to the surface a second time and declare the ship ready for battle? Any volunteers?
On February 17, 1864, a crew, presumably having said their goodbyes to their loved ones and having made out last wills, crawled into the Hunley for a third trip, and this was no test run. The craft was mounted with a torpedo (it would tow the explosive behind it, then drag it into an overhead ship)
and sent five miles out to sea in the hopes of sinking the USS Housatonic.
You could probably handle that with a really big lighter.
Surprisingly, it did. The 1,240 ton boat sank, along with the five crew members who didn't secure spots on the lifeboats. Success! You can only imagine the relief the Hunley's crew must have felt at finally surviving a mission in a submarine in a world clearly not ready for submarines.
Well, they would have been relieved, had they survived. Unfortunately, for reasons that we'll probably never know, the Hunley sank as well, for a third time, along with all eight of its crew. And this time it took a whole 136 years for anyone to bring it back to the surface. Come on, let's give it another shot, gang!
The South shall rise again!
#4.
Powder Monkey
It's easy to romanticize the life of an 18th-century seaman, what with all the kid-friendly Johnny Depp movies that downplay the rampant scurvy, tedium and sodomy. But even on board the boats that saw actual ship-versus-ship battles, life wasn't all that awesome.
As illustrated here.
During battles, sailors needed to maneuver the boat and fire their weapons and do other battley things; they didn't have the time for the lengthy and laborious task that was cannon-loading. So some genius came up with the brilliant idea of putting small boys in charge of loading the explosive gunpowder into the ginormous guns. At sea. During battle.
If the fact that these kids were given the most ridiculously dangerous job of all time wasn't enough, their fellow sailors actually had the audacity to give them the most condescending nickname of all time: powder monkeys.
Boys as young as nine worked in the line of fire as they ran up and down the ship carrying bags and casks of flammable gunpowder on their backs.
This was in the days before OSHA.
A lot of these so-called "powder monkeys" were actually kidnapped boys who were then forced into service without pay or any hope of ever seeing their homes again. And they weren't just charged with loading cannons, either. Their main job was transporting the gunpowder from the hold of the ship as muskets and cannons fired overhead, and also taking over for their fellow powder monkeys killed on the job.
Plus, they had to assist gunners in measuring the correct amount of gunpowder to fire the weapons, all while the ship was thrashing about due to getting nailed with waves and cannon balls. So, while today's boys only have to worry about shitting their pants when their teacher doesn't give them a bathroom pass in time, these life lottery winners were basically doing the same job as the crews on The Deadliest Catch, only if the crab could spontaneously explode at any minute.
There are way deadlier catches.
#3.
Drummer Boy
Among the many, many problems of serving in combat in a pre-walkie-talkie era was communication. In the chaos of battle, soldiers couldn't hear commanding officers or one another. It was all pretty much screaming and flapping your arms.
Not at all dissimilar from your band in high school.
So, it wasn't long before someone figured out that a drummer could serve several purposes: One, he could boost morale, because who doesn't love a good back beat? And two, he could give commands. Each drum roll represented different orders, plus the steady beat kept marchers in line and coordinated (this was back when armies lined up all gentleman-like to face each other). So, all in all, drummers were extremely useful and awesome in every way, bravely thumping away while musket balls whizzed past their heads.
Though it's less awesome when you realize they probably should have been attending elementary school instead.
Pictured: a combat veteran.
Kids as young as 8 years old accompanied soldiers into battle during the Civil War. The picture above is of one of the most famous drummer boys of the Civil War, Johnny Clem. Little Johnny ran away from home at the age of 11 and blustered his way into the Union army after they rejected him twice for his small size. Eventually they relented, realizing that A) they couldn't get rid of him, and B) he just looked so darn cute in his tiny uniform.
D'aww.
Kids like Johnny served as semi-mascots for their units, but all the affection in the world didn't stop grown- ass men from sending this boy and others like him into battle unarmed. Johnny was lucky; he eventually got a teeny-tiny musket custom-trimmed just for him, but most drummer boys had nothing but a funky-ass drumbeat to protect them from enemy fire. Johnny himself was taken as a prisoner of war at the age of 12.
Even though there were drummer boys before and after the Civil War, it was the War Between the States that really made the best use of prepubescent boys as communication systems. Numbers are sketchy on both sides, but it is agreed that so many kids were involved in the Civil War that the conflict earned the nickname of The Boys' War.
what's worse than being a Russian soldier captured by Germans and then released from the camp? A Russian soldier first captured by Germans on Eastern front and then by Allies on Western front while wearing an SS -uniform, that didn't end well, though worst of course was to be a Russian soldier captured by NKVD while wearing a German uniform.
ReplyThere was an exceptionally crappy job in the middle ages where boys used to run onto the battlefield looking for unbroken arrows. So you had to pick up arrows while lots of arrows were falling all around you and people were trying to kill each other. They were called "retrievers". In the grand scheme of things, the navy wasn't half as bad as the alternative. If you worked on the land by the late 18th century you only worked during harvest time. The navy was a decent wage, plus they fed you (the food wasn't great but it was only scurvy and death if you went on a long exploration which the admiralty didn't do) and battles meant a share in plunder.
ReplyMaybe thats why the Americans killed all the natives. I'd be pissed at people trying to hit me.
ReplyAh, he russian military in WW2. Always it shall be remembered as he most fucked up in history. From its use of standard issue rifles from 1896, to its insane leadership, to its human wave tactics that would make Mao`s eyes bleed...
ReplyI really do like the Russian history, on how they used to be kind people into power hungry, than closely I is sorry people.
Thumbs up if you'd like to manage to win the ballerina.
ReplyI still got it!
haha. penal
Replynice pouges reference
Reply"Johnny was lucky; he eventually got a teeny-tiny musket custom-trimmed just for him, but most drummer boys had nothing but a funky-ass drumbeat to protect them from enemy fire." lmfao!
ReplyTechnically Counting Coup did have a ceremonial purpose - The idea was that there was more honor in facing your enemy, getting out alive and letting him live, than killing him.
Replyand the crew of the Hunley were considered honorable for their sacrifice too - it doesn't change how insane the job was.
This article blows really read number 2 way to try to make natives look s****y
Reply Hide All See All 6 RepliesOk. Your job is to ride into the midst of an enemy army that hates your guts, hit a guy with a stick and make it back to your side, or you aren't a full member of the tribe. How is that not shitty?
Not to mention this enemy army had guns.
i think it makes them look outdated in their time. everyone shoudl respect native americans for their way of life which was self sustainable. but when it comes to fighting firearms with sticks, they just wanted to see who had the balls
In every example everyone looked shitty. We should exclude Native Americans because... why?
i thought it made them look pretty badass. it was like the ultimate 'fuck you!' to those dudes when they touched em and left.
Not saying it wasn't f*****g badass, but it was also f*****g insane. Honor is great and all, a soldier's #1 job is to help win the battle, not earn glory for himself. Often these two objectives dovetail nicely. In other cases, like this one, there is no connection whatsoever.
Russia's entire war strategy in WWII condensed: throw as many men as possible at the opposition. Hell, throw in some women there too. As far as we know, the Germans can't possibly wade through all those corpses.
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesThat's more of Stalin's plan. Zhukov, he's more into find, fix, flank.
I think the Soviets plan from the very beginning to the very end of their existence was to kill everyone in the whole world. The Russians are very cool but wow have they got a crazy history.
At first it was, then stalin started listening to his generals instead of killing things and stuff started to pick up
i think the job as a kamikaze pilot might suck.
Reply Hide All See All 6 Repliesbut they were happy to do it
No they weren't you dumbass
kamikaze pilots were volunteers they signed up. Also it was considered an incredible honorable thing to do and was a job that was considered a fitting end for a soldier
^That still doesn't mean a person is happy to do it. That dying sucks is universal to every culture, even to those conditioned to embrace self-sacrifice.
Yes, they were, in fact it a high honor to be a kamikaze pilot, they thought that if you did such a thing will die a a Martyr, and you will be remembered as a hero throughout history.
Of course they were happy to kill themselves and hundreds of American sailors and airmen.
The Emperor is God after all. And we all know that people love killing in the name of their God.
Why is it that no one seems to know anything anymore? Look this stuff up you clowns.
while #2 seems terrifying to you (and most sane people) it probably wasn't all that terrifying for the ones doing it I always saw it as darwinism by fire the smart indians(like my great great grandparents) took one look at that and imediatly new it was a bad Idea to try with white people, meanwhile the retarded ones realy thought of all the killing/rapeing/looting as a game and never gave any real thought to the long term consequences ran up fucked with the white people and got there dumb asses shot and or stabed to death
Reply Hide All See All 4 RepliesSo did the "smart indian genes" run out when they got to you and your spelling... not to mention your retarded logic?
Whoa, whoa, whoa... You try finding a teacher on a reservation that can teach English well.
Sounds like college frat hazing on steroids.
P.S. Those red squiggly lines mean that you need to try again.
Meh, warfare has been much argued as just another form of Darwinistic evolution. In that interpretation, the more hostile Native Americans did a fine job at demonstrating it.
#2 doesn't seem to really fit. The other jobs are forced tasks where as Coup Counter was a choice and a sign of courage/honor...kinda like the lone gun man leading the charge.
ReplyYou just lost credibility when you insulted Dances with Wolves.
Reply Hide All See All 4 RepliesBlame whoever cast Costner as the lead
costner cast himself as the lead
Four hours long, did you hear me? FOUR F**KING HOURS.
In what way? Its a stupid, patronising film
That is f*****g hard core right there
ReplyThe Germans had penal units too. I wonder if they ever directly fought the Russian ones.
Reply Hide All See All 4 RepliesIf they did Im sure at some point some one would just yell, "screw it!" and leave
And promptly get killed by the barrier troops on their side.
Some were at Normandy on D-Day. One who was captured told the Americans, "your bombs were very persuasive. But sergeant behind me with a pistol in his hand was more so."
The pressure was so intense many of the mine-sweepers just fell to pieces.
That pic of H.L. Hunley looks awfully familiar.
ReplyWhere have I seen that face before, hmmm?
The Pogues rules
Replythat's a pretty lame list...
Reply Hide All See All 4 Repliesi can think of a few much worse, like being a "volunteer" mine clearing holy warrior in iran-iraq war (really one of the nastiest wars ever) or the sheer horror of being a chained rower on an ancient war galley (the common tactic was to raise your oars and slide by the opponent therefore literally RIPPING APART all the poor sods rowing on that side of the enemy ship in a human abbatoir that beggars description) this last one was a common "ultimate punishment" for the most heinous criminals - in some ancient world states they would keep them alive just for this fate, if you survive the battle as a slave you'll (probably) get the pardon. actually some say that this is why miguel cervantes went crazy after the battle of lepanto (some still did chain their rowers even then) and wrote Don Quixote to heal himself..
oh, and being a tank operator in WWI was pretty crazy as well.. they were constantly sick and hallucinating because of the fumes from the primitive engines and, believe it or not, took to wearing CHAINMAIL masks within the thing because any shots taken by the tank would produce iron splintering which would produce nasty cuts (think wood splinter, but it's not wood, it's raw, non-stainless steel but cast iron). Of course it happened mostly mostly on the face since it was the most unprotected part of the body (both because of the clothes and the body position within the tank)
Moreover, nobody had really worked out the exhaust system so dying of carbon monoxide poisoning was also a very real risk.
(However, galley rowers in the ancient world were NOT slaves- a myth probably invented in the book Ben-Hur. They were professionals and paid well- better in fact than the soldiers)
Cervantes did not go crazy after the battle of Lepanto. The man himself said the battle of Lepanto was one of the proudest moments of his life. In fact, before the battle began, he was having a high fever but begged his men to allow him to fight. Four years later after the battle, he and some of his fellow sailors were caught by Algerian Muslim slavers and for the next five years, lived in Algeria as a slave, where he tried to escape four times, all unsuccessful. He was finally ransomed by his parents and a group of Catholic priests called the Trinitarians, who's job was to seek Christian men and women kidnapped by Muslim slavers and bring them home. If anything, his five yrs of being enslaved and later on his bankruptcy and his imprisonment for account irregularities, had more to do with him becoming a little mad but NOT Lepanto!
There's almost zero evidence those gallies existed in ancient times. There were more of those in the reign of Louis XIV.