You know how people always bitch about science taking time out of its day to solve inconsequential problems while a cure for cancer is still nowhere in sight? Well this is a lot like that. Instead of using this prime comedy real estate to shed light on one of the many issues currently plaguing our great nation, Cracked contributors Adam Tod Brown and Kristi Harrison are going to spend a few paragraphs talking about titties, this time from both a male and female perspective.
The subject under scrutiny is which pop star went to the most impressive lengths to keep her titties covered and supported? Ladies and gentlemen, the Pop Star Power Bra Showdown.
Round One - Janet Jackson Division:
Janet Jackson's Rolling Stone Hand Bra vs. Janet Jackson's Super Bowl Hand Bra
Adam: There is no competition here. Janet's courageous attempt at a Super Bowl hand bra in the face of what would become a tidal wave of right wing vitriol is everything that a bra should be. Namely, it's supportive. What's it supporting? Our freedom, that's what. If Janet hadn't thought to construct that five finger funbag frame on the fly, not only would the world be devoid of the supreme alliteration I just laid down, but also, her tit would have been on camera for at least an additional .36 seconds.
It's in those .36 seconds that Janet Jackson paved the way for continued profanity and debauchery on television screens and, dare I say it, computer screens nationwide. If America had been forced to look at that boob just sitting there all plump and round and decorated with a star shaped pasty or nipple ring or some such contraption for a moment longer, the moral majority backlash would have been immeasurable. It was bad enough with the brief glance we were all treated to. If JJ didn't cover that up, our ability to curse on the Internet and look at ass on television would have come falling down upon us. Fuck that.
Kristi: Wrong. Janet is grabbing her boobs like a leather clad nun who just got molested by an Abercrombie and Fitch model. Look at her face, she's practically radiating "sexual harassment victim," which is a hard thing to radiate in a studded leather trench coat. She's clutching her gut like she just got kicked in the unborn baby and her hair is shielding her face from the shame of what's been done to her. If Justin Timberlake ever looked rapeyer, I'd probably pay good money to see it.
On the other hands, Miss Jacksonifyou'renasty's face is Buddha calm on the Rolling Stone cover. The hand bra is doing its job - namely, supporting and covering. Way supporting by the looks of that cleavage. True, this particular bra would make her boobs look like ridged knuckle monsters under a T-shirt, but that's not the point. In the battle of flesh bras, double hands from the back wins, HANDS down.
Round One - Basic Bra Division:
Amy Winehouse's Red Bra vs. Rihanna's Green Bra
Kristi: You know how when you're a little kid, and you try to draw flying birds, but it's too hard because of the feathers and the beaks and talons and whatnot? So you just give up and draw these weird little curvy versions of the letter v? Rihanna's bra turned her knockers into a childlike drawing of a flying bird. That bra is working so hard her cleavage looks like the logo for McDonald's.
And I don't even want to talk about the support that's going on in this picture. Let's just say that if Rihanna's hooters were two of Flava Flav's babies, they wouldn't be lacking $63,000 in backed up child support. They'd be riding their ponies to private school. And you have to give Rihanna props for Kermit green in the first place. Only a sexy, confident, well-racked woman could pull off this spectacle of a bra.
Adam: Look, this bra that Winehouse is rocking is doing God's work. It's making the impossible happen. It's moving mountains. It's healing the blind. It's making Amy Winehouse look downright bangable. From the neck down at least. Nobody in their right mind would ever look at this picture of Amy Winehouse and see anything more than a drug addled disaster worthy only of pity. Not pity sex. Just pity. But let's have a look from a different angle.
Yeah, things just got a whole lot more promising. If this was an episode of Let's Make a Deal and you had to choose between the mystery box and this rack, you'd probably choose this rack. Because for all you know, it's attached to Megan Fox. But then Wayne Brady would reveal that the mystery box contained a brand new Honda Civic and a trip to Maui and this rack is actually attached to Amy Winehouse and you should have known that because Megan Fox's chest hasn't looked like that since she was on Two and a Half Men. But by then, it's too late. The bra has worked its magic and you're going home with Amy Winehouse. Zonk!
Round One - Projectile Bra Division:
Lady GaGa's Machine Gun Bra vs. Katy Perry's Cake Frosting Bra
Adam: Right off the bat, unless Lady GaGa's bra is shooting beer or nacho cheese or something, Katy Perry takes this contest by a mile. Frosting is delicious. Almost as delicious as boobs. You know what's not delicious? A bullet to the goddamn face, that's what. I'm not putting my grill anywhere near a bra that could leave me scarred for life and possibly dead for life. Katy Perry's bra may jack my blood sugar up temporarily, but diabetes would be a small price to pay for the sexy deliciousness contained within that bra.
But even dismissing all of that for a moment, there's a bigger concern here. That gun bra is on Lady GaGa, who viral video science has proven may very well have a penis. Katy Perry may be annoying as all get out, but nothing is more annoying than a penis on a woman. Nothing. And any good bra should ultimately make men want to remove it. That's what bras are for. They're like giftwrap for titties. Katy Perry accomplishes that not only by wearing an adorable bra capable of whipping up dessert in a pinch, but also by not having boy parts. Any desire to remove Lady GaGa's bra would only be as a means to cover the unsightly boner she's sure to develop in the heat of passion. Gross.
Kristi: That Katy Perry bra reminds me of something. I can't quite put my finger on it.
Lady GaGa's bra, on the other hand, reminds me of 18 flavors of crazy, sprinkled with a mess of nuts and maybe a little bananas, if you know what I mean. I'm calling it right here and now: Lady GaGa is probably mentally ill and we should all stop watching her gallivant around in her panties. If I checked my mail sans pants someone would slap a dementia badge on me and ship me out to the crazy house, and rightfully so. Lady GaGa walks around with wet garbage hot glued to her body and we all act like she's avant garde, not messed up in the head, which is what we'd usually presume when someone hot glues wet garbage to their body.
But we're not here to talk about the world's implicit crime in letting a mentally unstable woman show everyone her bottom parts in public venues; we're here to talk about that machine gun bra.
Obviously, this get-up is a nod to Madonna's cone bra, except that instead of wrapping her bazonkas in harmless geometric shapes, Lady GaGa has straight weaponized them. And in the timeless battle between supporting undergarments that discharge projectiles from the nipple region, bullets trump frosting any day of the week, twice on Sunday. You just don't bring whipped cream to a bra battle, any veteran will tell you that. They'd also tell you that the Y strap coupled with the outside straps are an efficient way to support those twin murder machines and that overall this bra is probably really effective in the killing department. I wouldn't be surprised if the military adopts it to fight terrorists. Katy's squirt party is laughable in comparison. Bullets win.
Round One - Wild Card Division
Madonna's Cone Bra vs. Devendra Banhart's Man Bra
Kristi: So let's start by Amy Winehousing this picture. I get gaggy just looking at that ratty tangle of awful on his face.
Better. I've got one word for this bra: razzamatazz. This one's got it. I don't know if those are sequins, beads or harvested mermaid scales covering his brassiere, but whatever they are, they're fancy. Are those candy corns dangling from the bottom hem? Yum.
Not every lady out there is blessed with C cup cans. This is a bra that can do voodoo on an under-boobied chest, giving her an advantage that she wouldn't have otherwise. A bra like that can hoax the pants off a drunk frat boy. And by the time he figures out those cups are filled with nothing but air and dirty intentions, it's too late. What's he going to do? Turn her out? Doubt it. The deed will be done, thanks to this fancy fakery up there. And if she's lucky, he's got a trust fund and she's got a fertile womb. KIDDING!
But seriously... don't put anything past a boobless girl who tricks drunk frat boys.
Adam: Are we really debating this? Like, we're actually going to do this? This is height of her hotness. Madonna versus a sickly indie rock troubadour who looks like he's cut from gypsy stock? Gypsies are not to be trusted, especially not when they're dudes decked out in bejeweled women's undergarments. Madonna's cone bra is an icon. It's Michael Jackson's glove. It's Prince's assless yellow pants. It's Britney Spears's neglected kids. It is a symbol of rock and roll excess that will be seen by generations to come. And it's up against some dirty hippie dressing up like a woman to divert attention away from the fact that no amount of pot you can smoke will ever make his boring acoustic warbling at all listenable. No contest.
Janet Jackson's Rolling Stone Hand Bra vs. Amy Winehouse's Basic Bra
Kristi: I'm just going to state the obvious here. No woman should rely on hands emerging from her own backside for breast support. It's not the 50s anymore, Adam. Today's woman needs to be able to drive to work without having to sit on the attentive lap of her bra. Today's woman needs to be able to emerge from her London apartment, cracked out to high heavens with her religious jewelry all wrapped up in something other than the man hands cupping her equally cracked out boobies. And Amy's bra is really doing a fine job of keeping those tatas in their place, especially considering her state. I've got half a dozen bras that wouldn't do half as good work, so I never wear them when I do my crack.
Adam: I still maintain that Janet's Super Bowl bra was the tits. Ha! See what I did there? Anyway, but in this match up, it's the hand bra all the way. Think of how much safer the women of the world would be if every bra was made like this one. No fabric, no wire, no sparkly bits. Just a dude walking behind you with two handfuls of funbag, releasing them only to eat the gratitude sandwiches you make him hourly for his services or to fight off would be attackers who would otherwise have their way with your womanly wares. Is that what you want? Because it's exactly that type of thing that the Winehouse bra will not save you from. It might provide the support you want without the muss and fuss of a full-time erection bumping up against your upper thigh. But still. Rapers. They're out there. Dress for protection ladies. Wear a man hand bra. And if it's not too much trouble, try to look like mid-90s era Janet Jackson while doing it.
Lady GaGa's Machine Gun Bra vs. Madonna's Cone Bra
Kristi: Unlike Pube Face up there, we know that Madonna really does have some breasts under those waffle cones. Practically speaking, neither one of these bras are going to look good under a sweater. Although Madonna could probably get away with hers if it were 1943. Ladies liked their melons pointy back then.
You could put an eye out with those things.
But even if we're not talking about functionality, Madonna's done her boobs the ultimate favor--she's used concentric circles to turn them into targets! What more could a guy ask for, other than no bra at all, obviously?
Adam: For the record, everything I said about Katy Perry awhile back... all lies. I just didn't want to admit the obvious. This is the greatest thing ever created. If you could somehow attach a video game console, a flask and a charcoal grill you'd never have to leave the fortified compound that I assume chicks who rock bras like this must live in. Madonna may be an icon, but Lady GaGa is like the new Madonna. If anyone has a problem with me saying that, they should come up with a picture of Madonna wearing two cannons over her cannons. If that's not happening, I stand by my claim.
Lady GaGa's Machine Gun Bra vs. Janet Jackson's Rolling Stone Hand Bra
Kristi: So we're down to nearly naked Janet and gun-hootered GaGa, which is really like choosing between a naked Marilyn Monroe and a naked Marilyn Manson, but with two automatic weapons where Manson's man boobs would be. It's no contest, and if it is, then something's wrong with your downtown parts. Plus, those man hand bras are pretty feasible to come by. I could get one now if I wanted. Getting GaGa's bra would require some kind of licensing process I don't have the time or clean criminal record to bother with. Man hands FTW.
Adam: Two words. Sex and violence. I guess that's three words, if you count the "and," which only a retard would do. But anyway, sex and violence. It's the foundation that all entertainment is built upon, especially internet entertainment, and we have an abundance of both here. Sex and violence makes the world go round. And sex and violence wins this war of... just joking. The only thing better than sex and violence is sex and sex. I don't like Janet Jackson's hand bra. I want to BE Janet Jackson's hand bra. Janet wins.