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6 Objective Reasons The US Army Should Invade BP

British Petroleum set off an unprecedented ecological disaster, bungled it and then their commander appeared on TV to exposit exactly what it is they're doing: that's not an industrial accident, that's a COBRA scheme running backwards and escaped into the real world. At least Cobra Commander could read his To Do list the right way up.


We could have done with that warning.

It's an ecological apocalypse, an economic horror story, a PR-mageddon, and it couldn't be better timed. America hasn't really won a war in over 40 years*, Lost just ended and the only sport on TV is something called "soccer." If the U.S. plays this right it could be the best natural accident since Adam fell on top of Eve and decided to try jiggling.

Because if America invades BP it'll be the most popular war since the original Star ones.

*They don't count as a win if you have to go back for a do-over.

#6.
A Real Actual War Against Real Actual Bad Guys

The U.S. can take over BP, get lots of oil--hell, right now we're getting far more than we want (a phrase previously thought capitalistically impossible)--save the economy, the ecology and it'll even let the usbe in the right again. We couldn't organize a better war without resurrecting Hitler.


This is Plan B, and we're not going to claim it's without flaw.

#5.
Better (Worse) Bad Guys

CNN newscasters have wet dreams of terrorists capable of what's already happening, and these aren't desperate lunatics living in caves, BP executives are pretty much Scrooge McDuck without the humanizing influence of half-naked duck-children. They're guilty, they're rich and they're mocking the world: On Day 52 of the spill--aka "Seven weeks and we're still screwing up"--they delivered a statement claiming that they were "not aware of any reason" why their stocks should drop 16 percent.

That's not an announcement, that spokesman was a human-sized middle-finger sent to flick off the entire world. His survival is living proof that every reporter he talks to has been castrated--there is no other way he could remain unbeaten-to-death. And if you meet one of those reporters, feel free to take his wallet and sleep with his wife, he won't object, she'll actively thank you and even if you're a girl you're more man than she's used to.

#4.
Better Motivation Part II: OIL

Now that PR is covered we can get on to the real reasons: We know there's oil involved--Beverly Hillbillies-level oil--in the same way we know Tila Tequila exists: painful knowledge of a dangerous disaster. Even NASA can tell it's there...


"Houston, we're fine but all y'all don't look so good."

...and when your screw-up is visible from space we're fairly sure Captain Planet's allowed to start existing and kicking your ass. Never mind the country whose coast you just turned into the world's worst slip'n'slide.


Though we know one man who'd enjoy it. It's pretty much Opposite Day for him.

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