6 Objective Reasons The US Army Should Invade BP
British Petroleum set off an unprecedented ecological disaster, bungled it and then their commander appeared on TV to exposit exactly what it is they're doing: that's not an industrial accident, that's a COBRA scheme running backwards and escaped into the real world. At least Cobra Commander could read his To Do list the right way up.
We could have done with that warning.
It's an ecological apocalypse, an economic horror story, a PR-mageddon, and it couldn't be better timed. America hasn't really won a war in over 40 years*, Lost just ended and the only sport on TV is something called "soccer." If the U.S. plays this right it could be the best natural accident since Adam fell on top of Eve and decided to try jiggling.
Because if America invades BP it'll be the most popular war since the original Star ones.
*They don't count as a win if you have to go back for a do-over.
#6.
A Real Actual War Against Real Actual Bad Guys
The U.S. can take over BP, get lots of oil--hell, right now we're getting far more than we want (a phrase previously thought capitalistically impossible)--save the economy, the ecology and it'll even let the usbe in the right again. We couldn't organize a better war without resurrecting Hitler.
This is Plan B, and we're not going to claim it's without flaw.
#5.
Better (Worse) Bad Guys
CNN newscasters have wet dreams of terrorists capable of what's already happening, and these aren't desperate lunatics living in caves, BP executives are pretty much Scrooge McDuck without the humanizing influence of half-naked duck-children. They're guilty, they're rich and they're mocking the world: On Day 52 of the spill--aka "Seven weeks and we're still screwing up"--they delivered a statement claiming that they were "not aware of any reason" why their stocks should drop 16 percent.
That's not an announcement, that spokesman was a human-sized middle-finger sent to flick off the entire world. His survival is living proof that every reporter he talks to has been castrated--there is no other way he could remain unbeaten-to-death. And if you meet one of those reporters, feel free to take his wallet and sleep with his wife, he won't object, she'll actively thank you and even if you're a girl you're more man than she's used to.
#4.
Better Motivation Part II: OIL
Now that PR is covered we can get on to the real reasons: We know there's oil involved--Beverly Hillbillies-level oil--in the same way we know Tila Tequila exists: painful knowledge of a dangerous disaster. Even NASA can tell it's there...
"Houston, we're fine but all y'all don't look so good."
...and when your screw-up is visible from space we're fairly sure Captain Planet's allowed to start existing and kicking your ass. Never mind the country whose coast you just turned into the world's worst slip'n'slide.
Though we know one man who'd enjoy it. It's pretty much Opposite Day for him.
bp oil owned it financially, the rig and piping was actually built by americans and maintained by americans.....so you fucked it up for us really... :) just saying the facts, plus putting chemicals to get rid of oil slicks that are actually more hazardous to the ocean than the oil itself is just retarded.
Replyi get that everyone likes to think that their country is the most badass but the last paragraph was just stupid, the Irish aren't exactly known for their ability to successfully stand up to British anyways
Replymy simple reason thats a f*****g bad idea: BRITISH Petrolium, im other words, touch us, and the SAS will f**k u up big time
Reply Hide All See All 4 RepliesThere is so much wrong with your comment...
...oh okay... you mean despite the facts that we have way more divisions of special forces, each in itself better overall than the SAS?
That statement would have been terrifying in the 1800s.
Except we kicked their ass in the war of 1812. I thought you guys were our sidekicks. Don't you pay even more in fuel than we do. Shouldn't you be pissed at the oil company as well. That spill will affect your grand-kids.
I hate how a lot of the american leaders like Barrack Obama talk like we british were involved with BP.
Reply Hide All See All 4 RepliesIt pissed me off because even in a lot of Barrack's speeches it was like he was under the impression that we brits had come over with a tanker and dumped the oil there ourselfes as a "FUCK YOU!" to america and then announced we were helping to hide Osama.
I know it was bad but blaming one of your country's greatest allies is not really going to help the situation as much as make as worse then it already was.
Ehhhhh Barack*.
Let's be fair, Obama's kinda a idiot but he's got a hellofa point. Your corporation, your mess, on our land. Simple. Also, no, no he didn't accuse you of all that hyperbolas mess.
Was it not a British company? If Apple went to your country and fucked it all up you would expect them to pay for the damage too.
Except apple already does that. They don't have to pay s**t either. But at least we f**k third world countries up. In the long run its good for their economy.
Aren't the majority shareholders of BP American anyways.
Reply Hide All See All 5 RepliesYes and the name is Beyond Petroleum.
Why American's think BP is an evil English gent sat smoking a cigar I cannot fathom.
Its name is BP, which officially doesn't stand for anything any more. "Beyond Petroleum" is just a motto.
yes and the name was originally "BRITISH petroleum". they rebranded it to appeal more to americans, but it's not crazy or stupid that people remember the original name.
whether BP is an evil english agent or not is a completely different issue.
It started as British Petroleum and then switched to Beyond Petroleum. I'm guessing that is why everyone "thinks" that.
They took over Amoco. American Oil Company. That's when they re-branded because they were replacing all the gas(yes gasoline) stations with BPs.
BP= Beyond Punderdome
ReplyBonus points for the Wolfenstein/Spear of Destiny photo.
ReplyHilarious That was awesome
ReplyThis article has made me dumber (don't even say it) for having read it. The most blatantly stupid and retarded article I've read on Cracked. I almost never make it personal with these articles, as they are intended for humor and writers generally at least try, but the only emotion this article evoked was pity for the stupidity of the author. And, apparently alot of readers too having glanced at the comments section. Sorry guys, your comments give you away.
Reply Hide All See All 4 Replieshey, no need to apologize. I'm pretty sure no one gives a s**t what you think.
I'm inclined to agree with treebot.
I retract my apology.
This was a pretty stupid and retarded article. His research was really off there where he quoted those statistics and events.
Luke McKinney isn't one for trying at anything, either. He clearly didn't try at all when he thought up these reasons and banged out an article of over a thousand words.
I really do pity his stupidity, using satire and exaggeration to point out the absurdity of a (at the time) recent event.
Luke McKinney, you're one of my favorite columnists on this glorious website, and I thoroughly enjoyed this use of comedy to point out the oddity that is universal acceptance of BP's fuckup.
BP does not stand for British Petroleum. They dropped that name when they merged with the AMERICAN company Amco.
Reply Hide All See All 3 Replies"The only possible reason for not blasting them back to the Stone Age is politeness, and they're the ones with British in their name." That's impressive really, two massively incorrect and ignorant assertions in one sentence. I get that it's a humour column, but it still needs to be grounded in something resembling reality for the humour to be effective.
That said, the last few paragraphs were funny.
riigghhttt.....because no one remembers that it was called British Petroleum for the longest time..... its a joke...
that's the most badass finish I've ever read!
ReplyBP stands for Beyond Petroleum. Just sayin'
Reply Hide All See All 4 Repliesoh? really? well, um, i , uh, guess i'll.. uh, just go swallow some ground glass or something. terribly sorry everyone, terribly sorry. i don't know what comes over me, really, um, you know, i had it hard as a kid, you know, daddy bought my sister a porche when she was only 16 but I had to WAit until i was 17 before he bought me a lousy jag. you think it's easy growing up with a silver coke spoon surgically implanted in your lefty nostril? WELL, DO YOU? i mmmmmmmfff...
it's alright people, we have him sedated now. please return to your enjoyment of this fine and enlightening article.
thank you.
the ministry for the abolition of useless appendages.
British Petroleum. beyond petroleum is their motto or something, its called branding and you just fell for it.
Beyond Petroleum is the rebranding that they did a few years back (when their logo changed from a shield with BP on it to a flower), both intended to make you believe that they where doing something significant other than drilling for and selling oil.
BP = British Petroleum = Beyond Petroleum
Oh come on will we ever get beyond petroleum? I mean eventually it will lead to the next world war and then boom(literally) the next thing we know all well be worried about is trying to get beyond the thunderdome!
lmao, I love getting to use that reference
hmm... if you think about it, WWII was also a do-over, so technically speaking its been longer than that.
Replyooh, ow, way to boost the morale of the troops. benedict. got anymore motivational speeches to make tonuy iscariot? look at 'em! look damn you! those are marines bawling like babies down there! I HOPE YOUR PROUD OF YOURSELF! GIBBER, DROOL, FROTH, FOAM, sudden fatal stroke holioywedeofnbpibWE..............
That last paragraph just made my day.
ReplyChristmas Festival gift . To your friends,
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so what, move your mouse Our services: "customer is God."
The spambots are writing terrible poetry now.
Not to knock the article, but even the best writers can't compete with the hilarity that's coming from the comments section. I can't believe that people are actually trying to have a serious debate over an article that ended by talking about severed testicles.
ReplyWOW- the online oil-trading site add at the end of the article was a nice touch. Way to stay true cracked.
Reply Hide All See All 3 Replies"irony" it is NOT what a frying pan tastes like.
it is if youre a hipster
Adsense sometimes does the writers' work for them.
really the people who are to blame for the oil disaster are the people who were managing the rig. that's not BP, they were renting it. that's not Transocean, they own. it's the people who were on the rig when it blew up! still, I find it ironic that the oil is invading America for a change...
ReplyYou... you desperately need to do some reading that isn't a BP press release. My God.
you... missed the funny part. "oil invading america... for a change"
rotflmaotipms
Thankfully, some people still give a s**t about the Earth-f**king tendencies of truly evil corporations.
ReplyI love this article. If we sent in Marines to storm the Headquarters of every corporation that f**ked up even once, the whole Economy wouldn't be as bad as it is now. The Government needs to tighten its grip around the Economy. The Free Market has obviously failed so the next logical step is for the Corporations to learn their place UNDER the Government. Its time for the CEO's and Presidents of major companies like BP to stop f**king up the Economy and keeping the Government in their grasp with money and instead start to spend their days cleaning the floors of the Whitehouse, wiping the President's Ass, kissing his feet and all around spend their night begging the President to now have them castrated.
Reply Hide All See All 4 RepliesAnd not the dignified Begging either. To kneel at his feet and crying like dogs for the president to not have their balls ripped off and fed to wolves.
There is a place like this already, it's called North Korea. Idiot.
aw, kim jong il is just... "misunderstoodimated". or is it "misunderesteemigated"? "missedunderstudebakers"? "missuncongeniality"?
something like that anyway. gods, i need an everclear.
Yeah, Russia tried that. Ask them how it went.