When it comes to communication, we've all heard that men are from a planet rich in iron oxide and women are from a planet that is full of sulfuric acid clouds, and without the insights of a skilled stand-up comedian or the psychological stylings of Dr. Phil, men and women are doomed to a lifetime of misunderstandings and divorce.
Why? Because apparently on Mars telling someone you're fine means all is well; while on Venus saying you're fine is code for "If you don't figure out that I had my bangs cut half an inch before I freakin' point them out to you, I'm going to shiv you with an Ebola soaked nail file."
So women love to talk, men keep it bottled up. But that's ridiculous if you think about it long enough. After all, humans are social animals, so if women are the better communicators, then how did they end up as the subjugated sex for like, ever?
What Science Says:
The areas of the brain responsible for language are over 17 percent larger in women than men, making them the well-hung studs in the horse stables of conversation. Not content to just be bigger, women's brains also multi-task; processing language in both hemispheres while men generally keep the conversation going with just the dominant side of the brain.
The corpus callosum in a woman's brain is reportedly larger too, meaning that women transfer data from one brain hemisphere to the other with high speed fiber optics, while the men's brains are still on dial up.
Why the differences in wiring? No one is sure yet, but it affects everything from the odds of a woman recovering the ability to speak faster than a man after identical brain damage, to the odds that you're going to piss off your girlfriend when both sides of her brain start analyzing your comment about how her best friend looks really, really good after she lost all that weight.
A couple is staring at paint samples, the wife enthusiastically discussing the merits of aged ivory over albino Caucasian while the husband starts chewing off his own arm in hopes of escaping this hell where "white" has 30 different names. We're told that men are color impaired, forever mixing black socks with blue ones and refusing to wear salmon red because he's sure it's pink and he's going to get beaten bloody if he is seen wearing it in public.
Only deserts are safe for pink polo shirts.
Meanwhile, women are allegedly color obsessed, meticulously matching outfits and orgasmically relishing the differences between ecru and so white it's white, which implies that women are not only pretty shallow but kind of nuts as well.
What Science Says:
The gene for seeing red is only carried by the X chromosome, which puts men at a serious disadvantage for seeing the color spectrum. Color, after all, is defined by our ability to perceive red, green and blue, and every other color we see is based on combinations of those three.
This means that while men, having merely one X chromosome, might not be able to see red at all, women and their double X chromosomes have a 40 percent chance that their vision includes a broader expanse of the spectrum than their male counterparts.
Male color spectrum.
Why this colorful superpower? It goes back to food again. While the men were out killing dinner and developing that radical spatial perception of theirs, women were gathering fruit and vegetables for the salad course. Having the ability to distinguish between the shiny red berries that taste good and the shiny red berries that can kill you was an important survival skill, and the women who didn't pick the death berries lived to pass on their genes.
When Ogden Nash commented that "candy is dandy, but liquor is quicker," he was most definitely talking about alcohol as the liquid panty remover. It's supposedly faster and more effective than witty conversation, flowers or even dick jokes. Give a girl a shot of tequila and she'll be a giggling puddle of uninhibited goo the moment it hits her bloodstream, while men can slam back the rest of the bottle and still be ready for anything.
What Science Says:
It's true, but not for the reason you're thinking, which is most likely body size, right?
According to researchers, the real reason why women can't hold their liquor as well as men is because men and women have very different water to fat ratios to their bodies. Men's bodies are made up of about 61 percent water, whereas women average about 52 percent. While this doesn't sound all that important, it basically means that male biology acts like a cheating bastard of a bartender, watering down every drink a guy consumes nearly 10 percent more than a woman's internal barkeep.
Women are also lacking in the liver department. Specifically, they produce less of the liver enzyme dehydrogenase, which is that magical substance that converts alcohol into an inactive state and ensures you're sober by the time Monday morning rolls around. Because they have less of the enzyme, women also feel the effects of alcohol much faster than men and it hits them harder.
So there's a medical reason why there's a drunk coed at every nightclub who will drunkenly protest she's only had one little drink just before she passes out on the bar and shows everyone her business. A MEDICAL REASON, we tell you.
For more of Susan's work you can check out her blog at Capricia's Corner.
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