In Jacksonville, Florida back in 2008, Paul Douglas was afflicted with an acute case of being dead alone in his apartment. With no friends or family to speak of, he could have remained undiscovered for weeks if it weren't for his plucky neighbor Paula Ariail from down the hall, who noticed his suspicious absence and went to check on him, discovering his dead body.
"Can I borrow some sug- oh..."
The shocked Paula immediately rushed to the phone and presumably put it in her giant loot sack, because why call the police to report a dead body when you can just steal everything around it? Over the next few days she emptied Paul's apartment, helping herself to his credit cards and checkbook, but was finally arrested after the cops found her driving around in the dead guy's car.
"I couldn't help but notice you ignored that stop sign back there. Also, you smell like a dead man."
David Anthony Johnson from Baltimore was in a very similar situation when his partner's neighbor, Frederick A. Kessler, Jr., died alone in 2004. But instead of just turning Fred's apartment into their own personal Big Lots like Paula Ariail, the two men decided the better course of action would be to bring Kessler back to life.
By settling Fred's taxes and mortgage bills, Johnson and his partner managed to keep Kessler alive in the eyes of the system for three fucking years. Before being discovered, they had opened a few credit lines in his name and emptied the man's pension fund for a grand total of $140,000. Basically, it's like David Leisure exhuming your corpse and stealing your wallet.
To be perfectly honest, we've all probably had a neighbor or a roommate that we wanted to brutally stab to death after they listened to "Save Tonight" for the 80th time. Alexander Alexandrov (yep, his parents were apparently that lazy) lived that dream when he murdered the hell out of his neighbor Martin Kromov for listening to "Angels" by Robbie Williams over and over again for more than a week.
We suppose we should only list Alexander, since he was a murderer and all. But... we have to mention that Kromov's bad neighborliness rose to some pretty horrific levels leading up to it. To make it clear, we're not in favor of murder at all, but the man supposedly spun that single song more than 4000 times.
Newer operating systems have contingencies to prevent this sort of thing.
So... yeah, on some level we're pretty sure that's enough to make anyone want to stab everything that has ever lived.
Then again, we would probably be a little bummed if someone burst into our house during the 70th consecutive playing of "Let Her Cry" by Hootie and the Blowfish and murdered us in the face. Currently, Alexandrov is serving a 16-year prison sentence for the unfavorable music critique he carved into Kromov's torso, because even in the archaic land of Bulgaria where actual human beings apparently still listen to Robbie Williams, baffling criminal defenses like "music induced insanity" don't fly in court.
When Stefan and Lucy Ward moved in next door to biker David Constantine in Lanchester, the couple might have quipped with that unmistakable British wit how they hoped the former Hells Angel wouldn't turn out to be... a neighbor from Hell.
However, the jokes immediately stopped after Constantine launched a two-year long campaign of harassment and terror against the Wards, finally culminating in him framing Stefan for murder, all because Stefan was unable to help him move his motorcycle on a specific day.
Not pictured: mental stability.
With Constantine as their neighbor, being fired at by an air gun or hearing banging on the walls in the early hours of the morning became part of the Wards' daily routine. He made death threats, put up a barbed wire fence around their home when they were out of town, and smashed himself in the face with a frying pan, claiming Stefan attacked him (he then successfully sued Stefan for a thousand pounds).
It appears Constantine was pure evil.
The grand finale to Constantine's goose-fucking lunacy was getting Stefan arrested for attempted murder by stabbing himself in the chest with a knife and framing his neighbor for the crime. Luckily for Stefan, the police found an impressive collection of knives, axes and firearms at Constantine's house, along with a bunch of hate notebooks directed at the young couple next door. It became clear to the cops that Constantine was a dangerous maniac who should be strapped in a titanium straightjacket and dropped into a volcano, so the charges were dropped.
Meanwhile, Constantine still lives next door to the Wards, most likely plotting his terrible vengeance.
Find more of Cezary on Gunaxin.
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