6 Famous Explorers Who Shaped The World (With Insane Lies)
If you take a list of history's greatest explorers, and hold it up to a list of history's greatest bullshitters, you quickly find out they're the same list.
That's right; guys like Magellan and Marco Polo opened up new frontiers of human exploration and when they returned, told stories that were laugh-out-loud ridiculous. Why? Just for the hell of it, apparently.
#6.
Ferdinand Magellan Names an Entire Country After Retarded Giants
Who?
Ever hear of a little thing called the world? Yeah, Magellan discovered that. Well, maybe that's a slight exaggeration but between 1519 and 1522, Ferdinand Magellan did lead the first successful expedition to sail around the damn thing.
This damn thing.
We use the term "successful" loosely, since he didn't exactly "survive" it, but he was still pretty close. And since history books are like horseshoes and hand grenades in that "close enough" usually counts (we're looking at you Thomas Edison), Magellan gets full credit. He not only found a route to the East, he also took invaluable surveys of his route, documenting things like the Strait of Magellan and the Magellanic Penguin. He, uh... he really took advantage of that whole "if you're the first to see it, then you get to name it" thing didn't he?
Please Magellanites, throw down your Magellan sticks and get off of Magellan Beach!
So What Did He Lie About?
Giants. A race of giants.
While traveling around the southern tip of South America, Magellan and his men claimed that they came across "a naked man of giant stature" who was "so tall that we reached only to his waist."
He was also FABULOUS!!
Not only was the alleged native freakishly tall, he was also "dancing, singing, and throwing dust on his head,' which is probably a 16th century euphemism for "acting totally retarded." So Magellan and company recorded meeting the world's first tribe of gargantuan naked ravers and, because the world was a "simpler" place back then, everyone just took his word that enormous dirt-heads populated the tip of South America. And they continued to take his word for 200 years. It gets better when you find out that Magellan dubbed this fictional race of huge idiots the Patagons, a name that stuck for the entire area for quite some time. As in, to this very fucking day.
Patagonia: It's like a whole country of Karl Malones.
What really gets our goat is that Magellan probably did meet a tribe of natives on the tip of South America, but they already had a name. They were the Tehuelche tribe and they probably averaged a towering 5'11. That was slightly tall by European standards of the day, but by no means giant. However, when you came back from traversing the great unknown, and all you have to regale the court with are your tales of people who were "kind of tall" and "didn't have an exceptional amount of dirt on their heads," you're going to lose your audience pretty fast.
#5.
Francisco de Orellana Invents Female Amazon Warriors
Who?
The Amazon River is the largest river in the world. It was once surrounded by a rainforest full of hostile natives, not to mention some of the most horrifying creatures ever designed by the twisted hand of a mad God. So surely the first person to navigate the entire river was some sort of big-cajoned Adonis, right?
Oh! That actually wasn't disappointing! All right then!
This grizzled motherfucker right here is Fransisco de Orellana. Charged with exploring the Coca River, Orellana and his men decided, much like The Grateful Dead, to just keep on truckin' even when the Coca ran out. As a result of their audacity, they navigated the Amazon River in two months.
So What Did He Lie About?
His violent encounters with characters from Greek mythology.
In ancient Greek stories, the Amazons were an entirely female nation of warriors who disposed of male children and cut off their right breasts in order to shoot bows and spears better. So how did a river on the other side of the planet get named after Mediterranean femi-Nazis? Simple. Francisco de Orellana fought some dudes with long-hair on his voyage.
Not large, one breasted women. Not even a tribe composed entirely of women. Likely not even a single woman, actually. The warriors that he mistook as savage tribes of mythological female warriors were most probably Icamiabas, a tribe of South American natives who didn't take kindly to white guys establishing a Spanish colonial presence on their river. Which wasn't, obviously, called the Amazon at that point. Orellana named it that later, because he was the kind of guy you didn't fuck with. Because if you did, he'd convince the entire world that your band of fierce, macho warriors were just angry Greek lesbians.
"I'm sorry, did you say something? I can name this river Fagtonia if you want. Yeah? Thought not."
#4.
Sir Walter Raleigh Makes All of Europe Believe That South Americans Don't Have Heads
Who?
Are you from America? Do you speak English? If so, you have Sir Walter Raleigh to thank.
English, motherfucker! Doth thou speaketh it?
In 1584, Sir Walter Raleigh decided that it was England's turn to get a piece of the Americas. He was given permission to establish the colony of Roanoke, the first English settlement in the New World. Despite being a hilarious failure, America may have been completely taken over by the Spanish or French without it.
Oh dear God, no!
So What Did He Lie About?
A race of freakshow monstrosities, and a city made entirely out of gold.
Once he was done adventurin' in the Colonies, Raleigh wandered down to Orellena's River of Fancyboys, the Amazon. Rolling with the joke, he confirmed de Orellana's fantasy that the forest was populated by one-breasted man-haters, then straight made up his own creatures to get the folks at home super excited about the strange and magical place he hoped to get lots of funding to visit over and over again.
The people he reported finding there were equal parts Marvel Comics' Modok and Clive Barker's Cenobites; he called them the Ewaipanoma and described them as having "eyes in their shoulders, and their mouths in the middle of their breasts, and that a long train of hair groweth backward between their shoulders."
And lo, did they loveth BDSM as much as they hateth Captain America.
To compare:
An example of a modern South American. Notice the existence of a head and absence of horror.
On top of headless, chest-faced Humpty Dumpty looking aberrations, Raleigh's account of his expedition was riddled with El Dorado references. As in, "he was totally there and saw it" kind of references. As in, the kind that might just send royalty into a voyage-funding greed-frenzy.
As to #4 some people think he in the rather muddled and half addled way of sailors of the time (that tended to have minds ravaged by local drugs and disease in south America) sightings of sloths and other native creatures) that were standing near the shore as people and since their necks are mounted so that they would have to bend their necks almost straight from the shoulder to look at you in that position it would seem like people who's faces were in thier chests from a quick glimpse between trees as you moved along (especially with the dandy fever and drugs zipping through your brain).
Reply"he didn't" is a dead link. And that girl makes me sad.
ReplyMarco Polo IS known as the prince of lies during his day.......
ReplyYeah, John Smith was a lying dick, but let us not forget his worst dick move of all: he inspired James Cameron to rip off his bullshit story and make "Avatar". Gee, thanks John...
ReplyI read somewhere that it was possible the Chinese knew of Australia before the British and everyone else. It's likely that they had been trading with people from Indonesia and more southern places and had heard about a southern land from them.
ReplyWell, except the Australian Natives
Orellana named it that later, because he was the kind of guy you didn't f**k with. Because if you did, he'd convince the entire world that your band of fierce, macho warriors were just angry Greek lesbians.
ReplyLol just lol
Not to be an historical nit-picky jerk or anything, but Sir Walter Raleigh didn't actually invent the idea of the Blemmye (the head-below-the-shoulders guy). Blemmyes were a popular thing to ponder for the Early Modern European, as far as what lived in whatever lands that may have existed beyond the Atlantic coast. Sciapods were another such popular folk creature (beings that looked like men, but with one giant leg instead of two; and when they lay down, they could use that leg for shade).
ReplyI'm only making this comment because it seems like you're crediting Raleigh with the invention of the Blemmye. What he was actually doing was providing "truth" to popular medieval myths.
Wait... come to think of it (why sometimes I should stop and think before I hit "submit")... Mandeville might have actually invented the Blemmyes and Sciapods and other such fantastical creatures.
Pocohontas came to England and was presented to queen ElizabethI. the town of Indian Queens in Cornwall was named for Pocohontas.
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesAnd if that wasn't proof enough, tracking through my family tree, one of my great-great etc. uncles was a part of John Smith's crew, when he met Pocahontas
They're not disputing that Pocohontas existed. Just that John Smith's story about how they met and fell in love had any validity, ever.
Not Elizabeth, James I/VI.
Interesting that this mentions people on an island in the Indian Ocean with mouths so small, that they needed straws to consume anything. There is some authenticity to this, but it comes in the form of the Indian culture, with things called hungry ghosts; something which someone could be reincarnated as, and much like the myth of Tantalus, they can find food, but not eat it, but only because their mouths are too small. So at some point, somebody heard stories, but that's not surprising given that the Silk Road has always been a thing.
ReplyEnglish, motherfucker! Doth thou speaketh it?
ReplyYes! Doth thou speaketh it, too?
LOL!! "He himself was a lie! And he was a killer plant! And he was allergic to water!
ReplyAnd it wasn't the 14th century; it was 1986! And I suck!"
Yes, yes you do M. Night Shyamalama-ding-dong. You owe me a refund for all movies after 6th Sense. Boo! >:c
Hahaha! When you put all those twist endings together in two lines, it becomes shockingly apparent just how much of a hack he evolved into.
roman artefacts have been found in new england
Replythe chinese have written records of them reaching the moon in ancient times are those to be believed?
ReplyNo one really knows what's happened in the last 6000 years. There could've been a more advanced society before us and got wiped out, we could be from Mars, for all we know. There's still so much to discover on this world. Anything's possible
Yes and they wore hats on their feet and hamburgers ate people!
Most of Western history and art is built on lies and plagiarism. Mandeville's Travels stole Gog and Magog from the bible and a lot of the Arthurian legends are basically fanfiction.
ReplyMost of all art is based on art preceding it. As plagiarizing is a rather young concept, it is pretty meaningless to extend it to the creative efforts of the past centuries, unless you're trying to claim that everywhere else except in the west people were like totally original hipsters who totally didn't do anything old or get influenced except ironically. Also, how would you know any of this if there wasn't a study of history. Which you claim is plagiarized and l´based on lies, but since your knowledge of western history is dependent on western history, your whole statment is actually a plagiarized lie, based on lies and plagiarism.
I really disagree about Marco Polo. You can't ever say that something written down about history is a fact, however there is a fine line between saying everything about a persons existence was a lie and saying it's all true. The thing is the Chinese did keep records...till the next kingdom took over and DESTROYED whatever records they had! The government in China now is not really keen to release any of it's records on ancient China to begin with, they'll tell you whatever they feel like telling you. And right now they're upset about any indication that a Westerner could have possibly come here and done any of the things he claimed to do. It's a pride issue and yes they would lie. Also, the great wall? C'mon! It's not really that great, especially then before it was really developed, plus it never really kept any invading armies out, which is the job a wall is supposed to do! You take him and call him a liar, probably laugh at people who "believe everything they read", and yet you don't even know enough about China and it's archeological/documentation habits to know that it's to be taken with a grain of salt.
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesI don't have a wall in my garden to keep out invading armies, it's to make it look nicer, and I can put plants on it.
The Great Wall was no more than a low construction of bricks and mud during Marco's time. Nothing special, maybe even too small to be worth noting (See Marco Polo came from Europe, where walled cities are commonplace). The Great Wall you see today in postcards were built atop the older walls during the Ming Dynasty, the Dynasty that overthrew the Mongol Yuan Dynasty that Marco Polo (claimed) to have visited.
Trust me, i'm Chinese =D
Well, even if he did go to China, it is a wonder that his descriptions are rather lacking and his claims are pretty outrageous. Better to interest an audience I suppose.
To be fair everyone thought those headless guys were all over the unknown world, they were said to exist in Africa also.
ReplyHey, but you forgot Columbus! Why isn't he in this list? He didn't discover America first (not even counting the vikings and the Irish)
He didn't lie about it, how should he have known that someone had already "discovered it". He didn't even know he'd discovered anything, he thought he was in India.
some good chuckles, nice work
ReplyThe M. Night reference made this article.
ReplyWhere is Ibn Battuta? f*****g eurocentric writers. Brown people can be liars too.
ReplyChina wasn't always a backwater country that Westerners came to know in the 19th century. China, Babylon, Egypt and India are known as the 4 great ancient civilizations. China has maintained official records since 3000 years ago. Each dynasties since had also written the history of the preceding dynasty. China was raided by nomads residing in Mongolia and Manchuria since around 2500 years ago. Consequently various Chinese vassals built several walls to the north. During the Qin dynasty, these several walls were joined up. The term Great Wall first appeared in Han dynasty records. There is a Chinese folk legend mentioning the Great Wall and scholars had criticized the Great Wall. In its early stages, the Great Wall was just mud and earth walls. Besides defending against nomadic tribes, passes along the Great Wall serve as sort of a checkpoint for people entering China. Hence, there are instances where Chinese records refer to a pass on the Great Wall. For example the Great Wall was not stated but it was recorded that the Qing army entered through the Shanhai pass in request by a Ming general to suppress a rebellion, by then the last Ming emperor had already committed suicide and after suppressing the rebellion the Qing dynasty proclaimed itself heir to the Ming dynasty. The Shanhai pass is a famous pass on the Great Wall near Beijing. The Great Wall was indeed last repaired and expanded in the Ming dynasty. Marco Polo is said to left Venice around 1271 and returned to Venice around 1295. The Yuan dynasty was officially proclaimed by Kublai Khan in 1271, conquered all of China in 1279 and overthrown by the Ming dynasty in 1368. It was another 70 years after Marco Polo left China did the Yuan dynasty fall. The Mongols were not well liked by Han Chinese because the Mongols had a racial hierarchy where the Mongols were ranked the highest while the Han Chinese the lowest, and the Mongols were reputed to be savages. Like other non-Han ethnicity that ruled China, the Mongols too incorporated some Han Chinese culture, eg Chinese era names and titles. There are also records that some ancient Han Chinese had an alias, some even a few aliases. In modern times there are Westerners working in China that give themselves Chinese names, some even mistakeable for names of actual Han Chinese.
ReplyTo long, didn't read... just kidding, this dose not change the fact that Marco Polo lied about his adventures in China. It's not the Cracked writers fault he didn't know when the grate wall became so grate, he's not a historian but a writer. I found this fascinating non the less.