5 Cobra Commander Terror Plots That Might Actually Work
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Cracked usually runs articles about things you used to watch when you were a kid and how, upon further examination, they are way more retarded than you remember. We secretly hate our younger selves for being such embarrassing dumb asses, and pointing out how stupid the Smurph language is helps us cope with the anger. So we were all ready to point out how far-fetched Cobra Commander's plots for world domination were, but the more we remembered, the more we were reminded of the news. #5.
The Wrong Stuff
"We possess the ultimate weapon of control! People trust television! It's their friend! They believe what television tells them about the news, television... even G.I. Joe!" The Plot:
In one of their many attempts to use television for evil, Cobra Commander uses stolen satellites and an inexplicable headquarters in the Himalayas to take over the airwaves, broadcasting Cobra TV to turn public opinion against G.I. Joe and in favor of their snake-themed one world government.
Programming includes classic movies with the endings changed to reflect a more anarchistic world view, a version of the Smurfs that was even more socialist than the original, and while we didn't actually see the Right-Wing Australian punditry of The Zartan Factor, we're pretty sure it was in there somewhere.
Why It Might've Worked: For an organization that once tried to conquer the world through mind-control chewing gum, this is actually not a bad plan. Sure, their shows are bad and the re-cut movie endings are stupid, but if there's anything we've learned from the fact that Two and a Half Men is the highest rated comedy on television, it's that people will watch anything, especially if it's stupid. Seriously, just try getting through one of Jimmy Fallon's monologues without wishing you were being indoctrinated into the ranks of the Televipers instead. #4.
The Great Alaskan Land Rush
"Who are you?"
The Plot: Cobra Commander attempts to take over Alaska; not through force of arms, but by using a little-known loophole in William Seward's original treaty that gives legal ownership of the state to whoever has possession of the state seal--presumably rechristening it as Cobralaska and making it the first step in eventual world domination. This, as you might imagine, is a fairly stupid plan.
Why It Might've Worked: The idea of a babbling laughingstock wrestling power away from the U.S. Government using an obscure and possibly fictitious clause in a state document might've seemed like a stretch in the 80s, but that's pretty much exactly what Texas Governor Rick Perry was doing when he started advocating secession based on something he essentially made up. Once again, Cobra Commander was decades ahead of his time.
As for the people of Alaska, well, they would later go on to elect Gubernatorial Beauty Queen Sarah Palin, elevating her from her status as the former mayor of the state's meth capital to a historic Vice Presidential campaign that brought her perilously close to actually running the United States of America before she lost and decided it was better to quit than to lose a basketball game. Or something like that. Point being, the rest of us are starting to get the idea that Alaskans might just be into girls who wear glasses and have goofy accents, and trust us: Cobra's got that one covered.
#3.
Cobrathon
"By the serpent gods of the netherworld! How do you expect me to raise five billion dollars?!" The Plot: In order to fund the development of a destructive computer virus, the Cobra organization holds a telethon, taking pledges from various other terrorist organization while putting on a show. The centerpiece, of course, is the execution of Joes Lifeline and Sci-Fi, but they were also counting on other acts, like Destro's truly awful stand-up comedy routine, to keep the cash rolling in.
Why It Might've Worked: As mentioned above, Destro's attempt at stand-up comedy is terrible. The jokes are bad, the delivery's over the top, and he seems to be getting through it by appealing to the worst of an audience with abysmally low standards. Dane Cook and Larry the Cable Guy made $20,000,000 in 2008.
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ight imma start with Fuckk off to da hating muther fuckkers here!!! second if u don't like our shitt then why da fuckk do u talk about it all the dam time!!! Third ramenkingnashi has a fuckking point if u aint a juggalo then stay the fuckk away we get enough fuckking hate as it is!!! and ur damn f****n right we come out tha wood work we a f****n family if we get dissed we right the fuckk there to diss back!!!
8/4/2009 12:20:59 AM realjuggalo420
HAHAHAHAHAHA ::takes breath:: AHAHAHA Need anyone ever say anything more to show how retarded "Juggalos" are than what they say themselves? It's not even worth it anymore to talk s**t about them because time and time again they prove how seriously moronic they are for themselves. Somehow, it never ever gets old though. I bet if you put a sign outside a building saying "Line up to prove how f*****g moronic Juggalos are" they'd line up just to "prove you wrong" in broken english and propaganda these make-up wearing pussies feed these kids. So hysterical/sad. "wez a famly yo!" It's kinda scary.
NECK CUTTER!!!
If the hate mail SomethingAwful received from ICP fans was any indicator, you must have some hilarious emails by now.
hilarious. #2 is the most frighteningly awesome since its got the most authentic real-life example. I always wondered if there was more to the story than just the fact that powerful men are apparently irresistible to attractive groupies. I can just see it now (warning, gratituitous simpsons reference):
Carla Bruni: Honey, the US Ambassador just called me a fat whore. Could you be a dear and launch a neutron bomb at washington?
Sarkozy: whatever you say, pumpkin.
PEEEEERRRRRRYYYYYY hahaha that was funny as hell
"You guys do not know jack about TEXAS> Texas, having been ai independent Republic before joining the Union, has, in it's Constitution, reserved the right to secede from the Union at any given time. It is the only state that can actually secede legally. No one can do anything about it. "
Uh. NO. WRONG WRONG WRONGETY WRONG WRONG.
Show me in the Texas constitution where it says specifically the right to seccede. We've been through this before, sometime around the mid 1800s. my memory is a bit hazy from history class...
Guess what, the State of Texas is by it's constitution is subject only to the Constitution of the United States of America. The Constitution states that any right not specifically reserved by the government belongs to the people. People already have the right to secede. They can get the f**k out of Texas or the US and go somewhere else. Its a bit like calling income tax involuntary servitude. Just as wrong, just as laughable.
If Texas were to secede, I'm pretty sure Mexico would like her land back and would work to take it back, pretty sure there is jack all the State Guard could do about it, that is if the federal government didn't leverage it's rather hefty military might against the podunk morons that thought they could take on the rest of the country that has no intention of letting Texas go. Go ahead and wave your pretty constitution around when there are tanks coming to the border. I'm sure the Feds will just go "DAMN, looks like we got fooled by you good Texas, you indian giver you!"
I'll make it easy for you. Here is a link to the Texas Constitution, http://www.statutes.legis.state.tx.us/
Read it before you start spouting off idiocy.
You probably don't even know what the preamble is without looking.
Nobody ever talks about Juggalos because nobody gives a damn. It's more like, when they do come up, everyone points and laughs.
the subliminal messages was on Stained Class not Screaming for Vengeance :P
good to know
Hello everyone,
I found a great dating site______MillionaireCupid.org_____
The best dating club for seeking the rich singles, sexy beauties and even hot celebs..
what's the most important is:you dont have to be a millionaire.but you can meet one.
I think everyone need to meet some miracle after all the terrible stuff in the news and the economy .You should check it out!!!
"Cardboard cut out of Baroness awarded with every article pitch."
Are they serious about this part? If so I may have to pitch some puns, then me and my lady can hit the town.
No. No, you're not 'dissing back', you're just being a f*****g idiot in public. But then again, as the picture in the article proves, that's nothing at all new to you guys.
Is it customary for all juggalos to write like a retarded monkey using his penis?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2Z5WY4AmsKA great money making strategy check out this vid
Great article. It reminded me of this list here: The Top 10 Reasons Insane Clown Posse Is The Best Music Group EVER:
ight imma start with Fuckk off to da hating muther fuckkers here!!! second if u don't like our shitt then why da fuckk do u talk about it all the dam time!!! Third ramenkingnashi has a fuckking point if u aint a juggalo then stay the fuckk away we get enough fuckking hate as it is!!! and ur damn f****n right we come out tha wood work we a f****n family if we get dissed we right the fuckk there to diss back!!!
Hello everyone,
I found a great dating site______MillionaireCupid.org_____
The best dating club for seeking the rich singles, sexy beauties and even hot celebs..
what's the most important is:you dont have to be a millionaire.but you can meet one.
I think everyone need to meet some miracle after all the terrible stuff in the news and the economy .You should check it out!!!
You know, all the people grew up or saw the series, I'm not saying that they maybe picked up the ideas from there, but that MIGHT be that all the f*****g case in question.
You guys do not know jack about TEXAS> Texas, having been ai independent Republic before joining the Union, has, in it's Constitution, reserved the right to secede from the Union at any given time. It is the only state that can actually secede legally. No one can do anything about it.
and maybe if we got the Baroness and Sarah palin together naked in a Rob Instigator sandwhich we could all work our troubles out.
Sarah palin, tyhe ignorant, uncer-qualified, overly superficial face of the Republican party
you Palin supporters are such dumb fucks. go suck another ditto nugget out of Limbaugh's a*****e.
@Pharoah-Ashseti:
What you wrote is the exact reason no one takes ICP or their fans seriously.
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ight imma start with Fuckk off to da hating muther fuckkers here!!! second if u don't like our shitt then why da fuckk do u talk about it all the dam time!!! Third ramenkingnashi has a fuckking point if u aint a juggalo then stay the fuckk away we get enough fuckking hate as it is!!! and ur damn f****n right we come out tha wood work we a f****n family if we get dissed we right the fuckk there to diss back!!!
8/4/2009 12:20:59 AM realjuggalo420
HAHAHAHAHAHA ::takes breath:: AHAHAHA Need anyone ever say anything more to show how retarded "Juggalos" are than what they say themselves? It's not even worth it anymore to talk s**t about them because time and time again they prove how seriously moronic they are for themselves. Somehow, it never ever gets old though. I bet if you put a sign outside a building saying "Line up to prove how f*****g moronic Juggalos are" they'd line up just to "prove you wrong" in broken english and propaganda these make-up wearing pussies feed these kids. So hysterical/sad. "wez a famly yo!" It's kinda scary.
10/6/2009 10:28:32 PM Lex
We aren't all stupid, illiterate fucks, some of us know a joke when we see it. People don't like Juggalos and thats cool with me, I'm a Juggalo because I love the music and the messeges in it, not because it was the cool or popular thing to do. So don't judge our entire population on a couple idiots who have nothing better then write a comment on a Crack.com article about how all the world can go f**k itself because it hates us. But the dick is above is right when he says we're family, in a fight over something important, I got his back. But when he's being retarded like this, I'm gonna make fun of him.