22 Observations About The Goddamn EB Games Line I'm In
Oh man, it's packed. Fuck this. I should just hit that Best Buy on the way home from work. -Takes deep breath, throws shoulder back, sets jaw- No. I can do this. I'll save five bucks if I get a used copy of Bioshock here. I can get in and out of here without punching someone, I know it.
Man, where did all these kids come from? Well, vaginas, obviously, but more recently I mean? Where are their parents? That's irresponsible parenting that is, treating an EB Games like it's a television.
________________________________
I don't actually hate kids, but I swear they just don't seem to have any idea what's going or around them sometimes. Like a bunch of tiny little Helen Kellers. And here we've got 15 of them, surrounded by flashing lights and bright colors in a room the size of a hot tub.
Crazy.
________________________________
Holy shit, that kid just came around that rack of games and slammed right into me! Like he was a coyote and I was an anvil.
________________________________
Holy shit! Another one just did the same thing! It's like a hilarious little roller derby in here.
Which I guess makes me the huge butch lesbian. Or James Caan.
________________________________
Heh. Fifteen blind, deaf children in a hot tub, slamming in to each other, attended to by a huge butch lesbian and/or James Caan. What a great way to get both you and your daycare on the news.
"I don't like the looks of all those reporters or social workers or cops, Jim."
________________________________
Oh hey guy with a patchy beard. Now the fact that we are standing by the same rack of games does not mean I want to talk to you about the game I'm buying. Or the game that's like it that is also good. Or the game you're buying. I should actually clarify by stating that I don't want to talk to anyone in here at all. Not here to make friends you see. I've already got friends. You can tell by the way my pants fit. You should look into that.
________________________________
And by "that" I don't mean my pants specifically.
________________________________
Jesus Christ. Half the used games here are EA sports titles. EA's got quite the little racket here, taking money from sports-games buying fans every year, like those people are capable of making decisions for themselves or something.
________________________________
Actually the more I think about it, the more I guess I'm OK with capitalizing on dumb people. I'm sorry EA: I just wish I'd thought of the scam first. Like lotteries or brightly colored plastic shoes.
________________________________
"No thanks man, just looking." No time for chit chat here buddy. I know you've just got a job to do, but I have no interest in whatever licensed movie tie-in video game you have to move this week. I don't care if I get four dollars off on the strategy guide, I do not want the video game version of Milk.
________________________________
Also, do people seriously buy the strategy guide? Is there anyone who buys video games but then decides they want to read about someone better playing it instead? Also consider that within days of a game coming out several industrious weirdos on the Internet will have banged together their own complete walkthroughs. Could you imagine if someone spent every waking minute for a week making an 80,000 word document that no one reads? Wouldn't that be the saddest thing ever? I gotta support the weirdos, dude.
________________________________
No kid, you do not want to buy an extended warranty for a fucking Game Boy. It is a hundred freaking dollars. Do not listen to their slippery and malignant words! I don't want to get all actuarial on you here, but in short: This is not a winning proposition for you. If you want to join me in my van later, I have some graphs that will illustrate my point.
________________________________
Man, I am just full of the child predator sass today, aren't I? What is it about this place? I have got to get out of here before I end up on Dateline.
________________________________
Oh that poor woman. Look at her. She has no idea what's going on here. It's like she fell through a rabbit hole and landed in a pile of stupid and woe. Sure, ask for help. See which licensed movie-based game you'll end up with for your nephew.
________________________________
To his credit, the guy did ask what her nephew was interested in first, though the fact that she said "Uhm, the Power Rangers?" with an audible question mark on the end, suggests to me that she doesn't know her nephew that well.
________________________________
I get how capitalism works and all, but I'm still a little annoyed that the discount for a used game compared to a new game is five measly dollars. I would totally get this on eBay, if I didn't really need to kill some shit right now.
________________________________
"Need for immediate murder" is probably on a PowerPoint presentation at EB Corporate somewhere. Beside a picture of a dollar sign or two guys in suits giving each other a leaping high five, if I know my PowerPoint presentations.
________________________________
Just the game today, Steve. No, I do not want to put in a pre-order for Call of Duty 8. I don't want any obligation to come back here. You see, the longer I spend in here, the more horrible the crimes I imagine committing. If I have to come back here I'll be be flirting with organ harvesting or zodiac killing.
________________________________
I'm amazed they didn't ask if I wanted to pre-order the Call of Duty 8 Strategy Guide--I'd be capering out of here in a suit made out of someone's skin if they'd tried it.
________________________________
Well that's over and done with. In and out in only 10 minutes, with no damage done. Except in the dark carnival that is my mind of course, and I was committing some pretty heinous carnage in there. I should have gone to Best Buy--the worst I contemplate there is shitting in someone's mouth.
________________________________
Check out the last 5 posts by Chris Bucholz
Which Site Has The Stupidest Commenters On The Web? - July 14th, 2009
6 Great Movies Where People Are Hunted for Sport - July 7th, 2009
7 Tricks Tony Hawk Should Have Done in the White House - June 30th, 2009
If Hollywood Remade 'The Gobots' - June 23rd, 2009
My Failed Attempt to Return a Broken 'Comfort Wipe' - June 16th, 2009
God, I'm having flashbacks to my last few trips into a Gamestop.
ReplyHoly s**t you are boring ZZzzzzzzz.....
Replyif eb games was so successful, why were they bought out by gamestop?
ReplyThis is fascinating to me. I always take someone with when I shop, so that I can verbalize similar observations to them as we wait in line. Never thought about writing them down, though. I see a new career opportunity ahead of me!
ReplyThe guide's for so when I'm on the can I can still read about the game I'm playing. Also, when I don't have time to play a game, I just read the guide and then pretend I did. "Oh yeah, that boss was so hard. Yeah, but I finally managed to beat him by healing him. You see, it actually damages him. How did I know that? Uh... it took me a while to figure it out, actually..." and so on.
ReplyI haven't bought any games new enough to get a strategy guide in a long time, but I used to get them. Like, back in the days of PS1. I still have and use my FF7 and FF8 guides just because. FF8 I actually still sort of need sometimes or I forget to draw out the damned GFs. FF7 I could play with my eyes closed, and I've found several things not mentioned in the guide, but I still look at it just because I like to. *waits for a "cool story, bro" comment* XD
ReplyI was in Gamestop the other day, and the clerk and some nerdy broad were talking about world of warcraft for about 30 f*****g minutes, it was insane, my head almost erupted from the f*****g nonsensical idiotic nerd talk.
ReplyGameStop is usually pretty kind and convenient to me,probably due to the low interest in games in my general area of residence.
ReplyThis is why I always order my games online.
ReplyReally these days you're screwed either way, Gamestop, EB or Bestbuy, you just have to decide what end you want it from.
Replyit gets worse, EB is gamestop
seriously, its the same damn company.
yeah gamestop bought out eb games a few years back, they haven't changed all the signs but the colors are the same now
yea, i wish EB games wasnt like the only place around my general place of living to buy video games (besides equally shitty places like best buy). usually its not too painful for me tho.
Replyhowever i do not share ur disdain for call of duty. the only people i know that dont love that game are ones that never play shit online, or are terrible at playing online.
i never understood the pre order thing tho- have they ever actually been out of any game when ur there? if so, theyd still be out if u pre ordered anyway champ.
I don't think you know how pre-ordering works.
Pre ordering means they order one just for you. They CAN'T sell out without giving you one.
This is the most accurate article about buying video games ever. EVER!!!
ReplyNot just EB Games, Any store with the word "game" in the store name is like this.
Not always though, just when the latest over-anticpated suck-fest/remake/movie tie-in comes out.
"-" much?
what do you call the generation after z?
ReplyThat's not how generation naming works.
I didn't even realize there were names for generations.
wilson, gen y are 15-27 at the moment, gen z is anyone under 15.
ReplyI'm generation Z!
lmao. i now dub Generation Y the Helen Keller Generation; fucking goofballs!
ReplyThen you are a goofball. Gen Y = people between 16-27 years. Gen Z= 15 or less.
Being a (huge fat guy) has its advantages.......and....disadvantages. Which is obviously plenty of reason to love Comfort Wipe!
ReplyHAHAHA, its funny because you are fat!
I live in rural Maine, so the internet shuts off if someone looks at it the wrong way. I'm a fan of strategy guides.
Reply"I don't actually hate kids, but I swear they just don't seem to have any idea what's going or around them sometimes. Like a bunch of tiny little Helen Kellers."
ReplyI actually started crying from laughing so hard.
Bioshock was worth it!
ReplyHeheheh.. "Would you kindly...?"
Why yes, I AM the hot cougar hunter, how strange that you have tracked me down way over here at Cracked. Your devotion compels me to meet hot Ageless singles, which due to the capitalization I am forced to assume is a new superhero group.
ReplySorry about that. The one strategy guide I ever bought was for the first Diablo, which was 100 pages of "Equip the best weapon you have and kill the monsters".