A couple weeks ago, while on a visit to the White House for a Fathers Day celebration, skateboarding legend Tony Hawk managed to sneak a little skating within the White House itself. He later posted a picture of this executive branch shredding on Twitter, setting off a predictable avalanche of ‘@TonyHawk: DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD!’ tweets in response.
Although he received permission from White House staff before the stunt, this incident did provoke a negative reaction from some commentators. Noted moron Greg Gutfeld, of Fox’s Red Eye, actually cried a little when he described the great shame he felt that Tony Hawk would be allowed to skateboard in the White House “while all this Iranian crap is going down.” What Tony Hawk has to do with the events occurring in Iran is beyond me, but I’d suggest we not prevent him from skating, because if he’s going to be any help to the Iranian people at all, it will be while he is on a skateboard, doing something awesome.
Even though several celebrities did die following this incident, possibly because of shame at having their nation’s seat of power defaced, I’m sort of coming down on the other side of this issue. My thinking is that if I invited Tony Hawk to my home, I’d be offended if he didn’t do a little skateboarding. You want to grind my coffee table, Mr. Hawk? You go right ahead, sir. I hate that damned coffee table.
Why is my table out in the rain you ask? It knows what it did.
In his Twitter feed, Tony Hawk has been unrepentant, pointing out that he caused no damage. Technically he did less harm than the time Elvis clogged the White House toilet, an event I just made up right now, but which sounds plausible enough to be true. Hawk did little more than skate in a straight line down a well-trafficked hallway and perform a Manual, a simple trick which would involve no chance of damaging the property. Unless I was doing it, in which case I would almost certainly obliterate my teeth and a nearby vase of some importance.
But if we take as given that a Manual is an acceptable trick to perform while skateboarding in the White House, does that mean there are unacceptable tricks? Are they unacceptable because of their chance for causing damage, or their potential for freaking out squares? Using Google Image Search and the knowledge of skateboarding I earned from a semester playing Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater 2, I’ve ranked the following White House skateboarding tricks in terms of difficulty and offensiveness to the American spirit–as measured in weeping bald eagles.
__
Lincoln Bedroom
Trick: Ollie to Heelflip to Nosegrind across back of slipper chair (foreground) to Kickflip.
Difficulty: 3
Offensiveness to the American Spirit: 4 Weeping Bald Eagles
This one can be done at low speed and follows the basic kickflip to grind to kickflip combo that is the bread and butter of the Tony Hawk games. Although the great emancipator never lived to see the invention of skateboards, historians widely agree he would be appreciative of technical street skating in this form.
__
White House Bowling Alley
Trick: Ollie to Pop Shove It to Tailslide (right rail) to Ollie to Kickflip to Tailslide (left rail) to Ollie to Hardflip to Feeble (right rail) to Kickflip to Nosegrind (right rail) to Heelflip into bowling pins.
Difficulty: 7
Offensiveness to the American Spirit: 1 Weeping Bald Eagle
Famously constructed during the Nixon presidency, the bowling alley is one of the homeliest rooms in the world. Located in the basement, it seems an ideal location for skating. Getting speed is easily done, and nothing of value is here to be disturbed, aside from Nixon’s ghost, whom White House staff assure is harmless, if foul-mouthed.
__
Rose Garden
Trick: While dressed as Spiderman, Ollie to 360 Melon over the President during a summertime event.
Difficulty: 8
Offensiveness to the American Spirit: 8 Weeping Bald Eagles
A fairly straightforward trick, complicated by having to hope that Secret Service personal don’t interfere with a man in pajamas hurtling towards the Commander in Chief.
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Situation Room
Trick: A Nose Manual across the briefing table
Difficulty: 7
Offensiveness to the American Spirit: 5 Weeping Bald Eagles
This is the room where the President and his senior advisers are kept up to speed on events rapidly unfolding around the world, like military actions or NASCAR races. It’s in the basement, which means vertical space is limited. Although nothing within the room is terribly historical or symbolic, security is very tight, so pulling off any trick in here could be deeply embarrassing and cause the U.S. to lose face in front of the Russians.
__
Grand Staircase
Trick: Wallride to Bluntside (on banister) to Ollie to Tailgrab to SMASH THE CHANDELIER!!!!
Difficulty: 6
Offensiveness to the American Spirit: 0 Weeping Bald Eagles
Although this staircase is used regularly for formal White House gatherings and ceremonies, chandeliers are a decidedly French invention, so their destruction is considered a positive benefit for the American Spirit.
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Oval Office
Trick: Nose Manual to MANUAL THE PRESIDENTIAL SEAL!!!! to Ollie to Overcrook (on Resolute desk) to Ollie to Varial Heelflip to STOMP THE PRESIDENTIAL SEAL!!!!
Difficulty: 4
Offensiveness to the American Spirit: 9 Weeping Bald Eagles
Not a lot to work with in the Oval Office, given its odd shape and lack of grindable edges. Disrespecting the Presidential Seal twice in one combo is probably the savviest play here, but advanced skaters/anarchists might want to work in a wallride across the portrait of Washington on the back wall somehow. Historians agree Washington was an old man, and would have hated skateboarders.
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The Whole Shebang
Trick: Starting in the Jacqueline Kennedy Ceremonial Garden, face towards the East Wing and get a huge amount of speed. Ollie to Wallride to Ollie to Wallride to Ollie to Nosegrind across the roof edge of the East Colonnade. From there, Ollie to Manual on the roof, hit the secret Dan Quayle quarter pipe to the roof of the Executive Residence. Grind along the roof of the Executive Residence, knocking down Secret Service Snipers. On the far side, Ollie down to the West Colonnade, landing in a Manual. Ollie to a grind on the edge of the roof of the West Wing until you reach the roof above the Oval Office. Jump onto the oddly textured spot in the middle of the roof to crash down into the Oval Office, stomping the Presidential Seal, again. Shake hands with the President to complete the trick.
Difficulty: 10
Offensiveness to American Spirit: 100 Weeping Bald Eagles
Completing this trick will require much practice and a bit of luck, but if correctly pulled off, will prod Congress into renaming Flag Day into Tony Hawk Day.
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This entry was posted on Tuesday, June 30th, 2009 at 4:00 am and is filed under Skateboarding, Tony Hawk, White House. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
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September 23rd, 2009 at 11:46 pm
lol dude how stoned were you?
that’s deep.
September 21st, 2009 at 2:55 pm
this was pretty gay if ya ask me.
August 16th, 2009 at 11:48 am
ok. have you ever played skate 2? have you ever played a tony hawk games? If you have then you know that the trick variations and the skateable historical land marks are clearly impossible. while skate 2 is uber real. So I ask you as a skater my self to witness the awesomeness and hilarity of this article and to CHILL THE FUCK OUT!!!
August 12th, 2009 at 8:29 pm
the game
August 11th, 2009 at 3:24 pm
Why are people talking about how impossible this is? It’s a comedy article!!!! Also, the reason the tricks he’s describing are ridiculous is because Tony Hawk was the one who skateboarded in the White House. If you’ve played his games you would understand why he is describing utterly impossible tricks. Now, if Paul Rodriguez or Rob Dyrdek skateboarded in the White House then he would have chosen plausible tricks, but that would completely defeat the point of writing this article because it wouldn’t have been funny.
August 11th, 2009 at 1:06 pm
Hey! You forgot the Christ air!!! that’s the best trick ever!
August 7th, 2009 at 8:38 am
I guess some people don’t get humor… bitching about how skateboards should write this article or bitching about how he wrote it. People just have to have something to bitch about in this world don’t they? I bet you I can say bitch at least two more times before this comment is over with. Seriously though. Stop complaining (Gotcha) and just enjoy the article for what it is…. *Looks at the person holding up four fingers then looks at all the whiners* BITCH!
August 4th, 2009 at 11:43 pm
Colin you’re a mother fuckin’ idiot. Fuck you for being stupid.
July 21st, 2009 at 3:41 pm
As both a veteran* and an unabashed geek*, I am deeply offended**, sir.
1 - Spider Man is Obama’s favorite super hero, and, before he unmasked and then sold his marriage to Mephisto, one of Marvel’s most beloved symbols of middle-class American freedom. I wouldn’t rate that higher than 6 weeping Bald Eagles. Tops. Plus, I’m not sure even Tony Hawk could pull that off without some serious cheat codes. Those Secret Service agents are just game breakingly difficult to get past.
2 - Also, your ratings lack a sense of scale. Seriously, four weeping Bald Eagles out of what? Five? Ten? A hundred? As the final stunt seems to indicate this last option, the low ratings of the other stunts indicate either your rating system is broken, or you seriously lack imagination regarding the potential for offensiveness given a skateboard and free reign of the White House.
Seriously offended.***
* - These parts are true.
** - This part is not.
*** - Still not true.
July 20th, 2009 at 6:31 pm
most of these tricks are impossible compared to the space… and you learn nothing about skateboarding from playing a tony hawk game because all you have to do is press a button and do a kickflip… and seriously… you dont have to say ollie to kickflip because thats just riduciluios… you just say kickflip to krooked grind and then a hardflip out?!?!?! seriously theres a 9 out of 10 chance that something would be broken
July 18th, 2009 at 11:11 pm
What I love about this article is that its a dead on representation of what the Tony Hawk games are like (AKA “not-realistic-skateboarding)… Makes me want to go back and play one of them right now haha
July 15th, 2009 at 9:57 am
…cougarlove, I’m betting a lot of us don’t care about your sexual fantasies and the sites you found them at.
July 14th, 2009 at 8:57 am
======KissCougar. Com ==– is ur ideal place for dating the sexy and wealthy women online.it only takes you a few minute s to sigh up….u gonna to get much fun..
i like the site.
July 13th, 2009 at 4:22 pm
Heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh…
Ahem. Mind my senseless giggling. I’m still trying to calm down after reading the “SMASH THE CHANDELIER!!!” and adding the word “Dongtacular” to it.
“SMASH THE DONGTACULAR CHANDELIER!!!”
July 12th, 2009 at 10:49 pm
Fuck this! A skateboarder should have written this! Those are ridiculous!
July 5th, 2009 at 8:37 pm
Gleaming the cube, Mr. President. Gleaming the cube.
July 3rd, 2009 at 3:46 am
Dongtacular! I miss skateboarding now, thanks very much….
July 2nd, 2009 at 7:57 am
Pure kick-flipping brilliance.
July 2nd, 2009 at 3:28 am
Genius!
July 1st, 2009 at 9:06 pm
Why isn’t there a Tony Hawk day already?
July 1st, 2009 at 8:09 pm
I think this is one of the most dongtacular things I’ve read in a while.
July 1st, 2009 at 8:24 am
One of the most hilarious things I’ve read in a while; I thoroughly enjoyed it.
July 1st, 2009 at 4:43 am
That was great! Though I think you’re definitely going to have to pull a Boneless rather than an Ollie if you’re going to jump over the president. Just sayin.
July 1st, 2009 at 2:56 am
@deathbunny: Man, that would make me start playing his games at all.
July 1st, 2009 at 1:57 am
This article makes me wish their was a White House level in a Tony Hawk game.
July 1st, 2009 at 1:47 am
Good to know!
And thousands of sincere and serious tall people I met on http://Tallconnect.com ___ are the most amazing people I ever met! they care nothing but real love and chemistry! that’s what we are looking for in today’s world!
July 1st, 2009 at 1:47 am
really ? LOL all my skateboarding knowledge comes from Pro Skater as well.
July 1st, 2009 at 1:02 am
LOL all my skateboarding knowledge comes from Pro Skater as well.
July 1st, 2009 at 12:51 am
Alls I can say is, good thing you didn’t play Pro Skater 4 that one semester, or this article (and that semester) would have sucked.
July 1st, 2009 at 12:34 am
yaaaaa thats thps 2 for ya! great article. you have quite an imagination. shoulda thrown in a “sack tap” in there or a tranformation into “80s tony hawk” while atop the white house roof.
“SMASH THE CHANDELIER!!!”
June 30th, 2009 at 9:54 pm
TONY HAWK DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOODDDDDDD!
Ahem.
I’m sorry.
June 30th, 2009 at 9:31 pm
4thSurvivor: Actually, Red Eye is not comedy. Comedy shows, you see, are funny. Red Eye and Glenn Beck are abominations. You can tell because people with the IQ of mulch chuckle when they see them. Subtle difference, but it’s there. But then again, since Fox - ostensibly a news network - feels like they’re in competition with Comedy Central, maybe there are a lot of people who are confused about what comedy and news are. And clearly all of them either work at or watch Fox News. Or Fox Comedy. Or whatever the hell they’re trying to pretend to be.
June 30th, 2009 at 9:14 pm
wow. the person who wrote this does not skateboard. this is embarrassing.
June 30th, 2009 at 8:34 pm
I would pay cash money to see the Ollie to 360 Melon over Obama’s head in the tea garden. Weeping eagles or not, this would be killer.
I’d pay a bonus if nobody told him about it ahead of time. The look on his face….
June 30th, 2009 at 8:32 pm
You wanna grind MY coffee table?
June 30th, 2009 at 8:17 pm
OMG! It is said that Tony Hawk is a bi-guy and his profile was found on a famous bi dating site ____FindBilover. c o m____!
Cannot believe it! So many bi-guys and bi-girls seeking fun & love online today!
June 30th, 2009 at 8:14 pm
this is hella funny. i’ll RT, @KISSARRAH, follow me!
June 30th, 2009 at 8:03 pm
DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD
June 30th, 2009 at 7:10 pm
thanks comment monster, you’re own website must be super-awesome!!
June 30th, 2009 at 7:06 pm
this article seemed lacking. i think it could have been a hundred times better with a little photoshop. why am i looking at a picture of an undisturbed room while reading a description of a trick that could theoretically be performed in it, when i could be reading about a trick and looking at a picture of a room with a super-imposed tony hawk on a skateboard doing something mind-explodingly awesome while barrack obama hides under his desk? is that so much to ask? i think not.
June 30th, 2009 at 6:49 pm
you can find many hot girls on_classymingle.com_. They are looking for wealthy lovers. and maybe you are the next..
June 30th, 2009 at 6:12 pm
Your fucking coffee table looks so fucking smug!
What a cunt!
June 30th, 2009 at 6:01 pm
haha, the previous post made me laugh!
June 30th, 2009 at 4:49 pm
the president has a pet seal?
June 30th, 2009 at 4:17 pm
Tony Hawk can indeed pull street tricks. It’s a little known fact that Tony did, (in the early to mid 90’s) compete in street events, and did well, but stopped competitive street skating because he kept getting injured. But he was good at it, which shouldn’t be a surprise.
Good article!
June 30th, 2009 at 3:13 pm
Antonio, you’re going for Hate By Numbers.
June 30th, 2009 at 2:49 pm
Pedgerow you obviously need to play some THPS2, yes these are real (albeit pretty hard to do in real life) skater tricks. Youtube that shit dood.
June 30th, 2009 at 2:36 pm
??
June 30th, 2009 at 1:57 pm
Awesome! Especially the specials on the presidential seal!
I can see it right before my eyes, the white house level of THPS2! Great adaption!
June 30th, 2009 at 1:53 pm
wow. this is exactly why people who don’t skateboard should stay away from skateboarding-related articles. so much second hand embarrassment right now.
June 30th, 2009 at 1:37 pm
dude tony is a vert skater not a street skater so wouldn’t do these kinds of tricks
June 30th, 2009 at 1:17 pm
God, I got tricked into reading another Bucholz article! At least this time there were some funny elements (crying bald eagles, spiderman) but I should have known Chris wrote this crap when I got bored half way through and skipped to the end…almost any time that happens I can be sure I’m reading an article written by my man, Chris Bucholz.
June 30th, 2009 at 1:08 pm
what an awesome article!!! got it from Tony’s Tweet, and it rox! no tears here! \m/
June 30th, 2009 at 12:56 pm
What are all these tricks? I demand an explanation. Otherwise I will leftist your elbow with a septuple jolly spelunk, before committing a Mao flamingo and a reverse scatman RIGHT IN YOUR FACE!
If any of those are real skateboarding stunts (or sex acts) then I apologise.
June 30th, 2009 at 12:55 pm
Gutfeld isn’t funny, though; he’s just incompetent.
June 30th, 2009 at 12:45 pm
The Red Eye is a comedy show morons. Ya know, just like your favorite news network Comedy Central.
June 30th, 2009 at 12:39 pm
How many letters was Tony Hawk able to collect.
My bet is that he got S _ _ T E
June 30th, 2009 at 12:07 pm
I demand an explanation from your coffee table.
June 30th, 2009 at 11:55 am
Did you say nosegrind kickflip out? C’mon man, that’s impossible. Nollieflip out!! And ollie to heelflip? do you mean normal heelflip or late-heel? I’m Jk, nice article!
June 30th, 2009 at 11:29 am
First off, great article. Loved the line about the secret service interfering with a man hurtling towards the President in pajamas.
Congratulations on being an awesome columnist sir.
Okay now, to To: Mary…Says:
Really!?! You don’t think we have democracy in America? Really? All those times American citizens vote is just imaginary? Realy!?! Why was I never told? I mean, if you really want to get into technicalities, it’s a republic. But really, is a comedy website the place for technicalities? And, really, is the comment section a place to attack American government? Really!?!
I’m done now. I usually don’t comment, but it’s close to the Fourth of July, so I felt I should say something.
(How many internet personality disorders do I have?)
June 30th, 2009 at 11:09 am
Argh. You don’t say “ollie” seperately from the rest of the trick. Then it sounds dumb. Plus you dont ollie for a pop shuvit. GR. But hey, its tony hawk, the game where you can like, smite satan with your skateboard while flying through the air at G5 Velocity and performing a 1080 treflip over infinity
June 30th, 2009 at 11:00 am
…LOL, you think America is a Democracy?! LOL! Good one. Whatever it takes to let you sleep at night. And there’s a Santa and Easter Bunny too Sweetheart. XOXO!
June 30th, 2009 at 10:55 am
About the chandlier… yes it may be a French invention. But then again, so is American democracy.
June 30th, 2009 at 10:44 am
@cc….
If you’ve played the THPS games, you would know that if your manual is short enough, you can combo an ollie AND a shove it, as it doesn’t register a manual that rates 0 points….
So NERRRRRR.
Needed a Mctwist btw
June 30th, 2009 at 10:29 am
i like it, but come on, you can’t think of these things when you’re there, it’s all after the fact
June 30th, 2009 at 9:56 am
I love the Spiderman part. I used to choose spiderman and then turn the gravity way down and do insane spins in the old PC game.
June 30th, 2009 at 9:41 am
Ha! So funny. I think its great Tony skateboarded in the White House. What a positive and fun activity for his appearance there. I think its actually un-American to be upset over this. Have some fun and celebrate our country!
June 30th, 2009 at 9:23 am
http://www.ihateyounatalie.com/?id=1675823
June 30th, 2009 at 9:10 am
… or there were more pictures?
June 30th, 2009 at 9:08 am
I’m sure that would have been a lot funnier if I knew anything about skateboarding.
June 30th, 2009 at 9:02 am
I’m sure you are: http://neilsnotes.com/index.php?page=13&catid=18&sku=ENGL-CD00429 TOO funny!
June 30th, 2009 at 8:41 am
… as practiced by homosexuals.
June 30th, 2009 at 8:38 am
There’s no such thing as an Ollie to pop shoveit. The pop-shoveit would be replacing the ollie as the trick that causes the board to leave the ground.
June 30th, 2009 at 8:34 am
It’s official…. I’m going to learn how to skateboard just so I can do The Whole Shebang
June 30th, 2009 at 8:21 am
Grind the presidential seal! When you started with the ‘blue writing’ tricks like that, I actually applauded my screen.
June 30th, 2009 at 8:16 am
Nixon’s ghost is harmless? Yeah, you’ll go on thinking that right up until the IRS audits you, you silly (expletive deleted). Think he’s not taping the shit out of everything you say?
June 30th, 2009 at 8:10 am
… you’re more stupid than funny?
June 30th, 2009 at 8:06 am
I didn’t know Canadians had skateboards. Or floors without snow for that matter.
June 30th, 2009 at 7:58 am
No no no, the most offensive to the American spirit would be constructing a giant ramp on the West Wing, getting up to a extrodinary amout of speed, and jumping over the rose garden and the Kennedy garden, all while flipping off and mooning the President and his Cabinet.
June 30th, 2009 at 7:56 am
http://www.ihateyounatalie.com/?id=1675399
June 30th, 2009 at 7:52 am
“Technically he did less harm than the time Elvis clogged the White House toilet”. That was just great!
June 30th, 2009 at 7:50 am
That was dongtacular.
(May Fistigons die a slow and painful death.)
June 30th, 2009 at 7:44 am
I would play this game.
June 30th, 2009 at 7:38 am
White
house DEFINITELY needs to be a secret level on a Tony Hawk game.
June 30th, 2009 at 7:33 am
Considering all the things that have happened in the White House, skating seems to be a minor offense.
June 30th, 2009 at 7:31 am
Nuff said.
I wonder how he’d like other gay men judging how loose his asshole is?!
June 30th, 2009 at 7:22 am
Destroying a French chandelier would be bad since white house is designed by french.
Good article!
June 30th, 2009 at 7:22 am
I too, spent a semester in the Tony Hawk 2 and Bong Rips Curriculum. This reminds me of an idea; each major city had it’s own Skating Game or GTA (style) game. I live in Houston, so all of the streets and shady places, mapped out exactly, so I could sit in my apartment and raise hell, right outside my apartment. Funny stuff doooooooooooooooooooooooooooood…
June 30th, 2009 at 7:03 am
haha excellent. and that coffee table got what was coming to it.
June 30th, 2009 at 6:22 am
I still have Tony Hawk 2 for Playstation. I put it in the CD player at work sometimes.
June 30th, 2009 at 6:20 am
That was fucking great.
June 30th, 2009 at 6:19 am
You make me proud to be Canadian, Mr. Bucholz.
June 30th, 2009 at 6:16 am
Awesome article. They need a secret white house level now in a Tony Hawk game.
June 30th, 2009 at 5:54 am
I was under the impression that every day was Tony Hawk Day already.
June 30th, 2009 at 5:40 am
God, I forgot how much I loved Pro Skater 2.
June 30th, 2009 at 5:35 am
do they have turkey on Tony Hawk day?
June 30th, 2009 at 4:44 am
Not you, Fistigons. You, Bucholz.
June 30th, 2009 at 4:44 am
Oh man, that was so brilliant!
June 30th, 2009 at 4:37 am
AWWW YEEEAH! first!