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5 Celebrity Careers Launched by Ethnic Makeovers

By Evan Hoovler June 18, 2009 532,514 views
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#2.
Ward Churchill

So let's say it's 1990 and you're a white Vietnam War veteran with several communications degrees and some seriously aggressive social skills. You also, somehow, need to land a job.

Instead of buying a fake wheelchair, tucking his arms into his coat, and begging for money on the street, Ward Churchill did the only-slightly-less-questionable move of pretending he was American Indian to get a job as a professor.

The Metamorphosis:

In terms of flipping race for profit, every single celebrity we've listed makes Ward Churchill look lazy. Churchill's solution to changing his honky heritage was to put on a pair of sunglasses.


White Guy.


Native American. The glasses add persecution.

When questioned about his heritage, Churchill mentions he was a member of a tribe called the United Keetoowah Band. It turns out this a tribe who gives out cards to many non-native celebs, including Bill Clinton.

The University of Colorado, where Churchill taught, found itself in a bind. The hiring of Ward based on Indian heritage was hush-hush, so firing him for not being American Indian posed many problems. In fact, they bypassed the usual six-year probationary period and Ph.D. requirement in order to "snap up" Churchill, making them look like fast-acting idiots.

Then, things began looking extra grim for the university when Churchill published a paper comparing 2001 WTC employees to the orchestrators of the Holocaust.

The Payoff:

Ward Churchill was paid nearly $100,000 every year for 17 years, mostly to spout off aggressive rhetoric about "his" people, the Native Americans.

And even that wouldn't necessarily be a bad thing if it hadn't come out that most of it wasn't true. By the time anyone figured it out, Ward had published 14 books on the subject.


Notice his glasses are on. He's in full Indian mode.

In the end, Churchill was canned. He sued the school for wrongful termination. The court agreed with Churchill, but also agreed that he was a complete douchesack, awarding him the jerk-anointing sum of $1.

#1.
Iron Eyes Cody

Everyone who grew up in the 80s remembers the series of PSAs starring "Chief" Iron Eyes Cody. Your trashing of the environment brought a sad tear to the old chief's eyes, as you white kids were destroying the very land his noble people had held stewardship over for eons.

Now let's talk about a man by the name of Espera de Corti, the son of Sicilian immigrants. Trying his hand at acting, Corti got a few bit parts, but couldn't break onto the big screen. Showing the blind faith seen in most A-List Hollywood talent, Corty moved to Hollywood anyway.

The Metamorphosis:

Eschewing plastic surgery in favor of balls-out bullshitting, Espera changed his name to Tony Cody, and claimed he was an American Indian (or Injun, as they would have said back then). After this began landing him a few paying roles, Tony said "fuck it," changed his name to Iron Eyes Cody, and completely denied his Sicilian heritage.

Iron Eyes married an American Indian woman and adopted two American Indian sons. Cody stuck by his lie, even when a New Orleans newspaper ran a full story exposing his non-native background.


He actually just stole those feathers from a pillow.

The Payoff:

Cody played an "Indian" in over 200 films.

But his most notable spot was in the aforementioned "Crying Indian" anti-litter commercials. Nothing says, "Hey, please pick up that Funyuns wrapper" like "Hey, you raped our ancestors."

Cody passed away in 1999, but not before a life-capping performance in Ernest Goes to Camp. His people would be proud.




Evan Hoovler wrote his Master's Degree thesis about Cracked.com. He produces the sketch comedy troupe Drunk Nerds, and co-wrote the National Lampoon book "Pimp It Yourself."

For more humble celebrity beginnings, check out 6 Inspiring Rags to Riches Stories (That Are Bullshit) and 7 Celebrity Careers That Launched by Accident.

And visit Cracked.com's Top Picks to see how we used to be a gay porn site (it's how we discovered Swaim and Bucholz).


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114 Comments

Cody (strykstaguy) I know this is you. How was I suppose to know he was a lying douchebag!

10/16/2009 10:42:29 AM
Poetica

I'm unfortunately named after Iron Eyes Cody. The last boy in the family and presumably the last child born to my parents, I guess my mom thought it would mean something...she was quite surprised by the truth about him, and admits the douchebag mistake

10/16/2009 10:31:50 AM
strykstaguy

Damn, Margolis was way hotter to start with. And so was Price. And "Hayworth." God, American men are idiots. This whole article makes me really sad.

10/16/2009 10:28:02 AM
boradis

Rita Hayworth's father was Spanish, but her mother was Irish. "Haworth" (without the y) was her mother's last name. I have no idea where you got information about her bleaching her skin. I've read several biographies and none mentioned that.

10/4/2009 11:34:14 AM
liljinx1000

Wow @ChibiLi. That is one of the most racist things I've seen in Cracked's comment section. I am a black woman, I live in an area of NY that is mostly black and I have never met a single black person that bleaches his or her skin.

9/18/2009 3:37:28 PM
sweetabsinthe

I'm with jmcd89 -
Since my childhood I've daydreamed about building a time-machine with the sole intention of putting myself within Rita's courting age (I suppose I should've probably been daydreaming about a pile of money and a huge horse c**k as well, as it's unlikely I'd stand a chance as things stand currently).
But I find her markedly more attractive as her former, Hispanic self..goodness...
*sigh*

9/7/2009 4:01:19 PM
SaviorSelf

Rita Hayworth was well better Hispanic.
Lindsay's only half Korean so she wasn't that Asian-looking to start with. And she looks better before as well.

9/4/2009 9:01:24 AM
jmcd89

I got slightly nauseated when I heard about Jackie Chan and Linsay Price. I had no idea that looking "Western" was that big of a deal to Asians, especially considering how proud they /seem/ to be about their outward appearance. Call me old-fashion but I thought Black women were the only ones who felt insecure enough to pull stuff like that (bleaching skin, ect.). I guess no one's immune to feeling insecure :/

9/2/2009 3:33:15 PM
ChibiLi

I have to say this about the "fake" Indians, it is hard to tell by skin tone if someone really is Indian. I am paler then anyone on this list but my grandmother always referred to us as "the f*****g half-breeds" because our mother was a Blackfoot Indian. I work with a man who is half Cherokee and he's almost as pale as me.

9/2/2009 9:57:48 AM
Lorelei

Rules of ethnic makeover:
1.Bullshitting is bad,so dont lie about your heritage unless you got a TOTAL PHYSICAL MAKEOVER.

2.If you opt for a TOTAL PHYSICAL MAKEOVER , try to learn from the masters like Rita Hayworth,It might get your likeness immortalised on the side of A THERMONUCLEAR BOMB or ONE THOSE ROD OF GOD.

8/23/2009 12:40:14 PM
AngryDemon

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6/25/2009 6:03:28 AM
joepaper

damn,rita hayworth made such a convincing white girl.

6/24/2009 12:00:36 AM
candystriper

Wow. Did not know about Rita Hayworth..... my impression of her was that of "very white babe".

Also, agree with whoever who said that Lindsay Price and Cindy Margolis were waay hotter before their surgeries.

6/22/2009 8:52:30 PM
cornflakes

http://www.cracked.com/video_17500_helpful-tutorial-on-most-difficult-video-game-ever.html#postNoComment

6/20/2009 7:37:26 PM
sky_slasher

http://www.cracked.com/video_17500_helpful-tutorial-on-most-difficult-video-game-ever.html#postNoComment

6/20/2009 7:37:18 PM
sky_slasher

Whatever the opposite of blepharoplasty is, I want that. I hate puffy eyes :(

6/20/2009 4:24:38 AM
likalaruku

I also think Lindsey Price was totally hotter before her transformation to "meh".

6/19/2009 6:18:29 PM
sporks

I never knew Jackie Chan was Jewish!

6/19/2009 1:20:49 PM
davidw.osedach

entr0py, you're a racist p***k. Double standards are NEVER okay. Racism is racism

6/19/2009 12:19:10 PM
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6/19/2009 11:24:01 AM
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