6 Ways They're Turning Random Crap into Alternative Energy

Look, people, if we're going to solve this whole energy crisis thing, we're going to have to think outside the box. Way the hell outside.

Fortunately, the alternative energy gold rush is full of researchers and companies doing just that. And what they've found out is you can get energy from pretty much any damned thing. Such as...

People have been burning feces for fuel probably since some cave man first did it by (hilarious) accident. Animal fecal matter is already used in biogas generators in places like zoos and farms, and San Francisco is starting to collect dog and cat feces to produce methane. Seems like it would take a lot of cat shit to power a city but we're sure they know what they're doing.

Collecting human feces these days is a different matter though, as most of us aren't willing to poop in a bucket and take it out with the recyclables.

And the ones that are are just way too into it.

Thankfully, we have babies. Babies (and seniors!) poop into a handy-dandy little fecal collection unit known as a diaper. Unfortunately, the destination is usually the landfill and about 27 billion of these little turd packs are thrown away every year in the U.S. alone. That's 3.4 million tons of potential brown gold.

And They get Energy from this... How?

AMEC-PLC, a company in Canada, has begun building a facility to turn billions of poopy diapers into energy through the process of pyrolysis (breaking down molecules through heat). There's no burning and no emissions. The finished product of all these fecal-filled diapers is a diesel-like oil and probably a lot of refinery employees losing their will to live.

Although other garbage can be used for the process, diapers are perfect for it due to their "consistent stream of plastics, resins, fibres, excrement and urine." So are you also picturing a Road Warrior-like future where roving gangs battle for precious baby shit?

So, What's the Problem?

Well, as you can imagine, it's dirty. The diesel fuel created isn't any cleaner than the fuel we get from regular ol' crude oil.

There's also the problem of getting the diapers, the project linked above can use an existing diaper collection network already in place in Quebec. Otherwise, part of your operation will involve a large room of people whose job it is to pick dirty diapers out of mountains of garbage which, if we remember, Dante described as one of the punishments in Hell.

In case you're wondering why we included "random" in the title at all, instead of just calling it "6 Ways They're Turning Crap into Alternative Energy" or "Why Turds Will Fuel the Future," don't worry, the whole list isn't poop.

But it probably could have been, thanks to a strain of E. coli bacteria that feed on agricultural waste like wood chips and straw, then crap oil. Not just any old oil, but crude oil. Farting, not wanting to be last to the party, is right on poop's heels thanks to another single-celled organism called methanobacteria, which can "eat" electricity and then fart methane.

And They Get Energy from this... How?

LS9, a biotech company in California, has created that modified strain of "non-pathogenic" E. coli that excretes crude oil. LS9 plans to have a commercial scale facility open by 2011. Although still untested on a large scale, if the plant goes according to plan, the bugs should be pooping out oil at about $50 a barrel in the next few years.

Meanwhile, researchers at Penn State are currently working on the electricity eating, farting bugs. Now it may not be at all clear to you why we'd want something that eats electricity rather than the other way around, but they would be useful.

The bacteria can basically be used as a way to store electricity. That's always been the problem with solar and wind power: Storage. The grid needs electricity throughout the day and these only produce it when it's sunny or windy. The bacteria, therefore, eat the electricity they produce, converting 80 percent of it to methane gas that can be stored and burned whenever.

So, What's the Problem?

There are all sorts of technical questions on whether this would work better than the next generation of batteries or whatever they intend to use for storage in the future. But more importantly, we're pretty sure genetically modified microbes are the basis of half of the horror out there, including 28 Days Later and the entire Resident Evil universe.

And while these microbes won't turn us into zombies, is the prospect of a runaway population of methanobacteria eating all of our electricity that much better?

Ah, finally an entry that doesn't involve anything coming from something's asshole.

Thermal conversion is a process developed over the last decade or so that takes a melange of different objects like plastic bottles, car parts, slaughterhouse waste, old syringes you find on the beach and sewer sludge (yes!) and uses heat and pressure to break them down into their basic components--mostly water and oil.

And They Get Energy from this... How?

The oil that is produced is so pure it doesn't need to be refined to be used to power generators. It can be distilled into gasoline, diesel or even converted to hydrogen. Other by-products from the process are full of nitrogen and amino acids, which can then be sold as liquid fertilizers.

Also, turkeys are delicious.

Changing World Technologies is operating a thermal conversion plant in Carthage, Missouri, where they produce up to 500 barrels of oil per day, using material like turkey viscera that would otherwise go towards, well, feeding other turkeys.

Although the process is extremely complex and expensive, the fuel is now partially subsidized by the government, so the company is even making a small profit.

So, What's the Problem?

It smells. Within months of opening the plant had received several emissions violations, partly prompted by their decision to build a giant machine that cooks turkey scrota and car tires two blocks from a residential area. Still, they managed to reduce the smell somewhat using millions of dollars worth of ozone scrubbers and biofilters.

There are other problems though. Again, burning this oil is no cleaner than burning fossil fuels. And the source for the fuel isn't free. The United States, in its rush to out-salmonella China, still permits cannibalism for turkey and chicken farms. Meaning that instead of the chicken farms paying Changing World to take the goopy parts of the birds unfit for even a McDonald's nugget, they charge them, because they could have sold it as feed.

As a result, Changing World Technologies will probably pack its bags and head to Europe, where the streets are apparently paved with offal.