5 Retarded Health Campaigns That Backfired (Hilariously)
Can you imagine how unhealthy we'd be if we didn't have large organizations spending millions on public health campaigns? If we didn't have them to herd us around with their slogans and posters, our lives would be a nightmare of illicit drugs and bad choices.
Shockingly, however, these well-meaning programs sometimes don't work out so well.
#5.
The D.A.R.E. Program May Increase Drug Use
Damn near every school kid in the United States has been forced to sit through the Drug Abuse Resistance Education Program (D.A.R.E.) at least once. Good ol' Officer Friendly shows up once a month or so and leads the class through obnoxious skits intended to give them an idea what peer pressure is like and how to avoid it. Spoiler alert! You avoid it by just saying "no!"
Apparently, that works for everything from drugs to unwanted sexual advances to strong-armed robbery. But it's more than just saying no, the program aims to equip young people with "creative" ways by which to say it. For the record, we generally incorporate some sort of interpretive dance when we spurn unwanted offers of sex and drugs. But we don't dance that often, if you know what we mean, ladies.
On the surface, encouraging kids to say no to drugs seems like a fine idea. What could go wrong?
Whoops!
It would be hard to actually know how well a program like D.A.R.E. was working unless you, say, kept track of a thousand or so kids who went through the program and then caught up with them 10 years later. So that's exactly what some people did.
Two separate studies, the results of which were prominently reported by TIME, indicated that at the very least D.A.R.E. was ineffective, but at its worst actually pushed kids toward drug use and lowered self esteem. Researchers suspect that the overstated, "peer pressure is around every corner, because EVERYONE IS DOING DRUGS BUT YOU!" message made some kids actually want to get high as a way of fitting in. If everyone else is doing it, why shouldn't they?
Look at you, just saying no to drugs, and friends, and a well-adjusted childhood.
The studies argued that the program's use of "drugs are everywhere, fucking run!" type of messages amounted to hyperbole, and kids don't like hyperbole. All it takes is the kid having one drug-using friend for him to recognize that, no, a single bong hit can't make your brain go running out of your ears like strawberry jam. And if that part is wrong, hell, maybe the whole thing is.
When are we going to figure out that even kids have bullshit detectors?
#4.
England's Beat Bullying Campaign Gets Kids Beaten
Remember that one time when we all had this big problem and then we bought a bunch of wristbands and it went away? England's Beat Bullying campaign hoped to replicate that success in their fight against the generations-old problem of surly douchebags at school.
The idea behind the program was to sell blue wristbands that kids would wear to school to signify that they thoroughly reject bullying in all its forms, be it a physical attack, like the dreaded swirlie for example, or a more subtle form, like a YouTube video of your mom earning her "coolest" title the hard way with a group of your classmates. Kids weren't going to take it anymore. Unlike that mom of yours, who takes it all the time (if you know what we mean).
Even celebrities got in on the act, buying up wristbands by the boatload and wearing them to prominent events. We know what you're going to ask. The answer is yes, there is a picture of Bono coming up. Right now, in fact.
"Yeah, one punch and the little nerd went down. Then I took this bracelet from him."
In February of 2005, David Beckham handed out the millionth wristband to 13-year-old Jess Sparrow, who happily proclaimed "I'm here with David Beckham. It's fantastic. I hope no one has to suffer bullying ever again." Nope, that should about take care of it. Thanks, Beckham!
Whoops!
When trying to avoid the wrath of the school bully, it's best to not do anything that may attract their attention, like buying royal blue wristbands for yourself and everyone else in your World of Warcraft guild to wear to school. Almost immediately after the program was implemented in the nation's schools, kids wearing the blue wristband were, naturally, targeted by bullies.
One reason kids were targeted was because of the scarcity of the bracelets. The campaign was so popular at its launch that supplies of the "Beat Bullying" wristbands quickly sold out. Prices on eBay skyrocketed, reaching $32 each. Not a bad day's haul for an enterprising young bully.
Even when strong armed robbery wasn't involved, kids were just targeted because they were wearing the wristband. According to one student, "They basically thought 'Hey! Everyone who's wearing a wristband must be scared of bullying!' So they decided to bully the people wearing wristbands. So, it's made a difference, but not a good one." A ringing endorsement for a campaign that continues to this day.
#3.
Nebraska's "Give Us Your Troubled Child" Law Somehow Backfires
"Safe haven" laws are nothing new, they just say that a parent can drop their infant child off at any hospital with no questions asked, if for some reason they feel they are not fit to care for the child. They are often referred to as "Baby Moses Laws" after the ancient story of Baby Moses being left in a wicker basket hidden in tall grass to keep him from being slain by the Israelites. The current safe haven laws are in place for the exact same reason, except these days the "Israelites" are called "shitty moms who throw their kids in dumpsters," as adorably depicted in the photo below.
It really is a noble program, and has probably saved countless infants from an unnecessary and cruel demise. The operative word there being "infants."
Whoops!
In most states, safe haven laws have an age limit of anywhere from 30 to 60 days. That's why, although they've been around for some time, most safe haven laws don't cause a multiple episodes of Dr. Phil generating a shit storm of outrage. Not so with the Nebraska Safe Haven law. The problems with the Nebraska version of safe haven began pretty much the minute some dipshit decided that including an age limit wasn't really necessary. Technically, under the original version of the Nebraska Safe Haven law, any child could be dropped off by their parents and the state had to take them in.
"My mom says she can't take care of me anymore. Can I have a beer?"
This fact was not lost on scores negligent parents, who suddenly began arriving from as far away as Florida to drop off their ill-mannered and mentally troubled youngsters. But the shit really hit the fan when a 34-year-old man dropped nine, yes, NINE kids off at a Nebraska hospital, ranging in age from one to 17. Before state officials had time to amend the law, more parents were showing up with teenagers in tow.
Naturally, like all moral uproars in the United States, the Nebraska Safe Haven law uproar prompted Dr. Phil to chime in with his condescending two cents. If only there was somewhere we could drop him off...
I remember DARE. Didn't learn a damn thing from it. I wondered if it was still going on.
ReplyHey kids! It's your Uncle Lenny, here to tell you the truth about drugs! It's really quite simple:
ReplyDrugs are a vacation.
You shouldn't need a vacation every day... Or even every week, really.
After all, think about it: taking a vacation daily would become boring after a while, not to mention expensive. All the fun would go out of it. You'd end up spending all your time planning the next day's vacation --- travel, itinerary, lodging, how you'll pay for it --- instead of enjoying the moment that day. (Vacations can be tiring, too, and you need to rest up.)
There, that's the best analogous advice I can give.
So, remember kids, if someone offers you drugs, thank them because drugs are expensive these days.
ReplyActually, Moses was being saved by the Israelites from the Egyptians.
ReplyAlso, The DARE thing is totally true. It basically teaches kids why drugs are fun and EXACTLY how to do them. One of my friends in middle school took it (my school didn't offer it, but his did). Now he's one of the biggest druggies I know. But me and the other people who never took it have never touched anything.
Bullying owns.
ReplyIt's funny how a lot of anti-bullying posters say something along the lines of "Bullying/teasing hurts/kills/fucks you up for life." which, while well-meant, has the unwritten second line of "Which is exactly what you bullies want, so carry on 'cos you're doing it right!". Why campaign for something to stop by advertising your own weakness?
ReplyI was bullied myself, pretty much from the moment I started school, but I don't see the benefit in these posters...
Love__with out_walls,Da`ting sexy_and _hot_sing`le_out_of ur age HERE
Reply♥♥♥♥Agedate¸℃0M♥♥♥♥
♥♥♥♥Agedate¸℃0M♥♥♥♥
the anti-bullying project my little brother went through last week:
Reply-teacher asks 'who gets bullied?' half of class raises hand
-teacher asks 'who does bullying?' class points to 2 kids
-teacher encourages bullied kids to 'tell bullies how horrible they are'. stands by beaming with the light of social righteousness. remains oblivious to the fact that 'having half the class pick on a few defenseless kids' is kinda the exact definition of bullying
i hate how this encourages children to:
-believe they are bully-victims just because of that one time charles told them to get lost
-that this supposed victim-hood makes it totally okay for you and 5 buddies of yours to gang up on charles
but unfortunately 'encouraging children to feel victimized and discourage them to learn any school-related stuff' is even more common at schools for 'special children' than at normal schools.
if it were up to the family he'd go to a normal school. but according to child-protection 'bad-mouthing special-needs schools' proves someone is a horribly unfit parent, whose child needs to be 'saved' right away and go to a special-needs school were he can get bad grades, be denied a teacher who knows anything about math or grammar or biology or history or any other school-stuff. and be told it's totally okay if he sucks at math and grammar and everything else since he's special, and everybody who says he's smart enough to get better grades is just being cruel and over-demanding and should be avoided (until you can summon your friends and beat them up)
Okay, I'm not a Talmudic scholar or anything, but I'm pretty sure Moses was set adrift in a basket to save him from being killed by the Egyptians, not the Israelites. Geez, you kill one Messiah and all of the sudden you're being blamed for everything.
ReplyPharaoh, worried about the growing Hebrew population in Egypt, ordered the Hebrew midwives to kill newborns. The midwives initially refused, claiming the mothers gave birth before they knew it.
I like the rubber band idea against bullying - but maybe they should have focused more on the parents before on the children - like as an award.
Reply~Anja~
The anti-bullying campaign here involves bright pink shirts every February. Even if pink wasn't one of my most hated colors, those shirts just... attract a LOT of attention. Not something I'd want to wear if I was trying to avoid bullies or say I was against bullying. (for the record, I am against it)
ReplyWe had red ribbon week at my schools. Everyday would have a theme of some sort, wacky day, pajama day, dress as what you wanted to be when you grew up (I dressed like a hobo), etc. Then we were forced to create anti-drug propaganda that was plastered over every wall of the school.
ReplyBut it wasn't so bad, most of us were high.
When I was a kid DARE scared the s**t out of me because I figured we must all be incredibly weak-minded and easily persuaded and just not know it, because why else would they be harping on like this about just saying no? What was going to happen when someone offered me drugs? Was my brain going to disengage as my hand moved of its own accord and accepted?
ReplyAnd then I fell out of a boat in the dark blue shirt I was supposed to wear to graduation and ended up showing up in one that was hot pink.
First of all, it's "Philip Morris", one "L". Sorry, but at this moment I am 3/4 of a mile from their corporate headquarters. My menthols are fresh! That anti-drug campaign that had the fried egg on the iron skillet..."this is your brain on drugs" always made us hungry. Could've been the munchies...
ReplyMy school's anti-bullying campaign involves bright pink t-shirts that say "So What?" in massive letters. I can't take those shirts seriously because a) they're bright pink and it's hilarious when guys wear them and b) every time I see "So What?" I think of the most disgusting yet most awesome song I've ever heard.
ReplyI remember in primary school we had this Bully Busters and Constable Care s**t rammed down our throats. Bully Busters made us want to kill the two nasally adults dancing in furry suits and Constable care telling us how bad drugs were made most of my classmates try alcohol before their 15th birthdays
Replyoh i laughed so much at Double Barreled Finger Point Guy xD!!
ReplyHey Mr. Brown, it was the HEBREW CHILDREN who were being murdered by the EGYPTIANS because the Egyptians feared an uprising because the Hebrews were so numerous. That's why they were enslaved in the first place. I love your articles, and you're usually historically correct, but you dropped the ball on this one. Please be more diligent in the future. Much love.
ReplySarcasm is hard, but please be more diligent in the future.
"Researchers suspect that the overstated, "peer pressure is around every corner, because EVERYONE IS DOING DRUGS BUT YOU!" message made some kids actually want to get high as a way of fitting in. If everyone else is doing it, why shouldn't they?"
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesIf these kids would use drugs to fit in, what is to stop them from picking on unpopular kids to fit in? In that sense, perhaps it can be considered a good thing that those so needy for others' approval were driven to drug use; f*****g up their own lives leaves them in less position to f**k up the lives of better and more reasonable people.
I don't think they were mutually exclusive though. If they do drugs to fit in they'll still pick on other kids to fit in as well.
Apparently you have forgotten what it is like to be a teenager craving attention ( or you were such a superior Godbeing that you never can know).
Not everyone was a teenager "craving" attention. Some of us were quite reasonable, well behaved people who avoided the rest of you absent minded s**t disturbers until well into our twenties, a point by which most people seem to get their s**t together.
I guess growing up in Australia, I got kinda lucky that I didn't have to sit through DARE and that shit. The most drug education I got was once in year 6 where we had to study the effects for a health quiz (100% on it) then again in year 10 in health and once or twice in years 11 and 12 science. It was never "don't touch drugs you will die". Teachers I had mostly didn't give enough fucks to tell us drugs were bad.
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesThat's because Australia is (luckily?) an island and therefore not encumbered by a 2000 mile border with a third world country with an unbelievably corrupt government on one side and a country with one hell of a habit on the other side.
Australia is no more of an island than North America. It's just a smaller continent. And what the HELL are you trying to say about Canada? Vancouver isn't a country!
Drugs are imported into your country by the very same politicians you vote for.
You have any idea how supply and demand works? There's no way a few small time drug producers from Columbia can ship enough product to satisfy the billion dollar industry that is illegal drugs. Look at the number of addicts on the streets of your major cities with thousand dollars per week drug habits... You think a few poor negros from the ghetto can muster up enough cocaine, baking soda and fairy dust to coordinate a supply chain that your government spends billions of dollars per year to "prevent" and can't? Do the math.