Oscar-nominated actors are the most dignified members of our species. They play the serious roles that inspire us and hold a special place of reverence in our culture.
But not in Japan. In a country where demoralization is the national pastime, our revered actors, Academy Award nominees and winners both, sell their own dignity for a paycheck because they assume we Americans will never see it.
But thanks to the Internet, we can celebrate their shame any time we want.
8Sean Connery - Biogurt
Sean takes a leisurely drive in the country with his nightmare rabbit-puppet-friend on route to his country house, which happens to be an enormous carton of yogurt.
It makes sense that they went with Connery, since the product he's pitching here is called "Biogurt," a word that when we say it sounds like the noise you might make if someone asked you what you ate, and you tried to say the word yogurt while at the same time vomiting all over your shoes. Really, their only option was to get the only man who can make any word sound like the world's manliest lion purring in post-coital bliss. Or they could have renamed the product.
As an aside, Connery once worked on a movie with Lana Turner. Her boyfriend, famed tough guy gangster Johnny Stompanato, believed they were having an affair. Johnny stormed onto the set and pointed a gun at Connery, only to have Connery take the gun from Stompanato and twist his wrist until he relented.
Now watch this ad again, and appreciate what a multi-faceted man Sean Connery is.
7Brad Pitt - Edwin Jeans
In America, when we want to sell a product with ass, we just point the camera at the ass. Apparently, the Japanese need to be told to look at said ass.
Here, Brad's giving a marketing lesson to this group of Japanese pedestrians. "Brad Pitt's ass in Edwin Jeans. Do you like?" Brad asks, employing an Italian accent, because half-assed Italian accents are the international language.
"Look at ass!" Brad demands. "Look at famous ass in jeans! Buy jeans!!!"
"Oh," speaks up one Japanese spectator, "you want us to buy that brand of jeans. Fine, perhaps you could tell me about their superior durability."
"Ass in Jeans!" Brad insists.
"Hmm," says another bystander, "are you saying we should buy these jeans because they are a great value, priced well below their competitors?"
"He's rubbing his ass," says another. "He must be telling us these jeans are really comfortable too."
"Mamma Mia! ASSSSSSSSSSJEANSSSSSSSSSS!"
The Japanese bystanders all smile, believing this screaming man is dangerous.