7 Helpful Tips For the Child Who Made My Flight Hell
Every Saturday we ask some of our favorite writers to fill in for us. Today, we have former Cracked.com writer Anthony Layser, who is now the deputy managing editor of Asylum.com and the recent recipient of a nut shot courtesy of the gods of airline seating assignments.
Various religions, child protective agencies and a 1974 made-for-TV movie starring Linda Blair all contend that we are born innocent. This is false. We are actually born savages. Names like "preschooler" and "tot" do little to convey the viciousness that resides in the hearts of these tiny insane human beings.
During a recent New York to Los Angeles flight, I experienced the multifaceted wrath of one such little girl. Maybe it was the fluctuating cabin pressure or the veterinary pharmaceuticals I'd (inadvertently) taken in place of my usual preflight tranquilizers; but as I stepped off the flight, I knew what it was to have been emotionally raped by a toddler. My search for guidance concerning this troubling episode led me to consult the website of Dr. Phil McGraw--a rich bastion of insights. The following recounts my tormentor's behaviors with corresponding advice from the eminent television psychologist's site.
#7.
Using Airplane Seating As A Repelling Site
Upon arriving at my assigned row, I found a woman on the brink of collapse as a curly-haired child -- let's call her Mothra -- bounded from the floor up to the middle seat, then back to the floor, then up to the window seat using the magazine pockets for footholds. As she attempted the maneuver again, I quickly slid by and took the window seat. I offered Mothra a friendly smile. She responded with the wide eyes of a mad scientist receiving an unexpected visit from a future test subject.
Disciplinary Advice from DrPhil.com:
"Dr. Phil says you're sending your child a mixed message. 'If you give in some of the time, you're tough some of the time, what you have is called the intermittent reinforcement schedule. It creates the most resistant maladapted behavior of all.'" Seriously.How I Should Have Responded:
By smiling at her chimp-like seat gymnastics, I sent Mothra the first in a series of intermittent reinforcement signals. In retrospect, I should have snarled and/or growled.
#6.
Sadistically Unplugging My Headphones
I specifically book with airlines that offer satellite TV, because I enjoy drifting in and out of consciousness to the rhythms of canned sitcom laughter. Sadly, Mothra had no interest in satellite TV or artificial guffaws. Like Pavlov's dog, she quickly learned that my eyes would jerk open and the plea, "Please, I beg you, stop doing that," would result every time she removed my headphone plug from the armrest jack.
Disciplinary Advice from DrPhil.com:
"Children need to be able to determine with 100 percent certainty that forbidden behavior will be met with consequences. For example, Dr. Phil advised a mother whose daughters wouldn't get out of their pajamas to tell them: 'If you don't change out of your pajamas, then you're not going to have your pajamas anymore. I'm going to take your pajamas and we're going to throw them away.'" Seriously.
How I Should Have Responded:
I should have threatened to steal an article of Mothra's clothing.
#5.
Unleashing Incomprehensible Tirades
Mothra removed my headphone plug from the armrest no less than a dozen times before her mother decided she should be taken to the restroom. Had I known that unplugging headphones was her way to signal she needed to urinate, I would have walked her there myself. Upon returning, Mothra's mother took pity on me and had the child sit in the aisle seat. Mothra immediately tried to scale her mother in what I can only assume was yet another attempt to silence the audio from my satellite TV feed. As the woman grappled with her menacing spawn, Mothra let out screeching banshee howls that bore into every eardrum throughout the plane's cabin.
Disciplinary Advice from DrPhil.com:
"Follow the Fast-Food Rule ... Always repeat back [her] 'order' (what [she] wants) before you tell [her] your 'price' (what you want)." Seriously.
How I Should Have Responded:
These outbursts were so angry and guttural, that I truly believe they were calls for the total breakdown of society (a few could have been baby obscenities). Following the Fast-Food Rule, I should have repeated back her order of "Anarchy, anarchy, anarchy" before telling her my price, "Only if you place yourself in an overhead storage bin."
#4.
Wiping Saliva On My Black Coat And Bag
Judging by the amount of times Mothra shoved her hands in her mouth, one might assume her miniature paws tasted of dark chocolate or foie gras. This resulted in everything she touched being christened with a shiny film of saliva. This included my black coat and laptop bag which, by flight's end, looked as though it had been attacked by banana slugs.
Disciplinary Advice from DrPhil.com:
"It helps to think of your toddler as sort of a caveman. With all their grunting and grabbing, toddlers often seem quite primitive. To communicate with them, you have to speak in a primitive and almost prehistoric type of language." Seriously.
How I Should Have Responded:
In nonsensical language, I should have explained to Mothra that she was spreading potentially harmful germs and defacing private property. According to DrPhil.com, that particular statement involves two throaty grumbles, four loud squawks and a fart noise.
#3.
Turning Complimentary Pretzels Into Paste And Sculpting It
As soon as the airline staff handed out complimentary pretzels, Mothra tore into her single-serving pouch, flinging pretzels across her tray table. She then chewed them, spit them back up onto the tray table and proceeded to play with the moist sludge. Mothra's mother was somehow napping through this, which allowed her daughter to toil for what seemed like an eternity. Until now, I've tried to brush off this memory as a pet med-fueled hallucination.
Disciplinary Advice from DrPhil.com:
When your child starts to misbehave, deprive [her] of something [she] values ... "Whatever [her] currency is, [she] needs to know, When I do A, I lose B.' Take it away and [she] doesn't see it again ... Make a ceremony out of it." Seriously.
How I Should Have Responded:
I should taken the liberty to remove the mess myself, depriving the child of her prized spit up-turned-Play-Doh. To bring ceremonial flair, I could have given a rousing address about how nausea had spurred me to action.
#2.
Staring Into My Soul
When not thrashing, screaming or fashioning regurgitation, little Mothra spent much of the trip looking upon me with unblinking eyes. Standing on her seat cushion, Mothra's two-and-a-half foot frame would loom over me as her expressionless orbs scanned my being from a few inches away, daring me to return a glance. Sometimes I would turn to see if she was still looking. She was, and when I peered back I found only darkness in her soul, and a little slobber on her chin.
Disciplinary Advice from DrPhil.com:
"A very effective consequence for undesirable behavior is isolation, with no social reinforcements. Find a room or place that is devoid of stimulation to put them in when the bad behavior occurs ... If you like, install a video camera in the room so you can keep an eye on your child from another room." Seriously.
How I Should Have Responded:
Since it was nearly impossible to isolate Mothra on a plane -- bar locking her in an overhead bin (as I had fantasized) -- I should have just ignored her and used my cell phone camera to safely determine whether or not her soul-gazing had subsided, rather than stoking her behavior by actually looking over. I also could've pretended I was invisible and that Mothra was actually peering out the window -- amazed at being 40,000 feet above her typically subterranean lair.
#1.
Being Conscious For All But The Final Eight Minutes Of The Flight
Mothra's final piece of villainy was simply falling asleep. Exactly eight minutes before the plane touched down, she partook in the exact pleasure she had denied me the previous five hours. The gesture displayed a purity of spitefulness so impeccable that I suddenly had a vision of Mothra's future as a successful Somali pirate or, at the very least, a big-time divorce lawyer.
Disciplinary Advice from DrPhil.com:
"When [she] doesn't get what [she] wants anymore, you're going to pay," he warns. "First [she'll] throw a tantrum. Then [she'll] yell and scream. Then [she'll] say, 'I have to go to the bathroom. I'm sick.' [She'll] choke and gag and puke on the floor ... You have to be prepared to go there." Seriously.
How I Should Have Responded:
By wishing her mother well, and heading directly to a urologist to inquire about a vasectomy.
Check out Anthony's last column, in which he offers some Suggested Improvements for the Guy Who Mugged Me Last Week.
I've worked in childcare for 10 years, and a lot of what Dr Phil says is actually correct. Time out is more effective than spanking, and consistency is the most important thing in discipline. You cannot let your child have their way every time they throw a tantrum. That teaches them that they're in charge and can get whatever they want by screaming, which means they'll scream more and more often. Something else I've used is points systems (a form of currency, if you will.) The children get points for good behavior, and lose points for bad behavior. If they enough points at the end of the week, we go to the ice cream parlor next door. And if you've never seen 20 3-year-olds in an ice parlor all sitting quietly and being polite, then you've never seen my class.
ReplyMothra scares me o_O
ReplyMy sister was born on an airplane. Talk about a kid making a flight a pain in the ass for other passengers, am I right?
ReplyI hate kids. And ironically most seem to love me. Also all the women ive been interested in or vice versa since 18-23 have had kids. This is so cruel what the hell did I do to deserve this?
ReplyI feel your pain. I had to babysit my ex girlfriend's little brother several times...I find it appropriate that his name is Damian.
I'm going on my first plane trip in June. I hope to God I don't suffer what Anthony Layser suffered.
ReplyI hate kids. So f*****g hard. You wouldn't believe.
ReplyTwo or more of these in one flight is a good reason to fight the parent(s). Seriously f**k that kid. I had a little demon spawn throw up in the seat in front of me approx. 20 minutes into a 5 hour from Vegas. This was a full flight so I was stuck in the little shits puke bubble the rest of the flight cause you know damn well that smell isn't going anywhere. Trying to sleep while holding your nose doesn't work so well either.
ReplyWhen I was making 32 hour flight in to America from the old country, it is in my recolection that the young children were making the noise with cheep cheep cheep and monkey sound, I resolve from this to never make 32 hour flight to Jakarta ever again in the whole life.
ReplyThey should have parachutes for every kid on the plane just for situations like this.
ReplyJust reinforces Cracked's stance that "if voting booths were placed in airplanes, everyone would be pro-choice"
ReplyI seem to have the best lucky in the world when it comes to planes, in that every flight I've ever been on that I can remember has had some damn kid that wouldn't shut up. Oh how I would love to slap the s**t out of the little bastard and make him/her/it shut up
If your kid is too young to understand plane etiquette, s/he's too young to be on a plane. Parents need to learn this. Lordy.
Reply Hide All See All 4 RepliesRight. Because no one ever gets government orders to move their family 9,000 miles away, and do it by next week. Good job being condescending about children like the others here with zero actual parenting experience in trying situations.
That doesn't excuse a parent like the one in this article. If you have to do it, make sure they aren't a horrible little monster.
If a family is going on a vacation than they'd probably want to take their child with them. You shouldn't have to delay your trip for 10 years.
That being said, the parents SHOULD take some form of responsibility. I was on a plane multiple times and traveling to another country at least twice before I was 8 and my parents (as far as I remember at least) managed to keep me under control
@muerteds you had a week to buy duct tape. No excuses.
I was on this flight once from Ireland to France. Fair enough, it wasn't a long flight, but a 6 year old kid was in the middle seat, his mother in the isle seat, and I was at the window. The kid kept pulling at my jacket, and at first I thought he wanted to ask me something, so I took my headphones off and said something like "Hey there, my name's Coleen, what's yours?" The little bastard told me to shut up.
ReplyI don't exactly love kids, and even though it may be the hardest thing I've ever made myself do, I just ignored him instead of slapping the fucker.
He also tore the magazines in the seat pocket to shreds, kicked me repeatedly in the leg, attempted to climb under his chair, started playing with those life jackets under the seats, left strips of cheesestrings f*****g everywhere, and belted out "Row Your Boat" over and over and over again at the top of his fragile, easily crushable young lungs.
Throughout all of this, his mother was reading some Maeve Binchy novel, and the only time she looked up was to tell me "Uh, would you mind turning the volume on that thing (my DS) down? Some of us want to enjoy our flight in peace." It was one level away from being totally silent.
I told her to control her god damn kid and make *it* shut up. The guy sitting in front of us (who'd also been showered with cheesestring bits laughed and clapped his hands.
Funny article.. My worst child during flight experience was on a 6 hour flight from LA to Boston after flying from Australia that same day. The parents of a toddler encouraged the child to sing wheels on the bus for an hour straight while singing with him. They were seated directly behind me and my mother. The toddler was also kicking the back of my mother's seat. The family clapped and they sang throughout the flight until my mother turned around and said they were being rude and they should shut up. Everyone around us thanked her.
Replythis is exactly why you should never be afraid to take up a reasonably firm tone with the child of a person you'll never see again
ReplyI had this but on a flight from j*pan to New Zealand (12 hours or so) I love kids under most circ*mstances but this kid was a brat to the point he kicked me and poured his drink in my inflight meal. I ended up leaning over to his father and saying "Are you going to sit there and watch the little mermaid or actually be a parent to your f**king kid." He told his son to sit down but unfortunatley me insulting his parenting skills seemed to be German (he was german) for "i have boobs please look" i spent the trip getting kicked and eye raped.
ReplyKids, especially toddlers often cries out loud for no apparent freaking reason and people get confused when their usually successful pacifying methods failed there.
ReplyEnter the pressurized cabin! It is comfortably pressurized at 6,000 feet above-sea-level air pressure, for your ears to hurt. And since children has weaker lungs, and let alone some have very small throat or too weak to swallow its own saliva, they are left with that ear discomfort for too long and nobody to understand.
They deserve it.
I've flown about half a dozen times, and never have I had to deal with an unruly child. Maybe it's because of my one year stint at walmart which made me incapable of hearing children screaming.
ReplyThis article was really funny. Made me think back to my 14 hour flight. The toddler behind me was sick, so she cried the whole time. The whole time.
ReplyI have had good experiences with babies on flights though. On one really small plane there were about three babies on there! All in my immediate area. Immediate are meaning the whole plane cause it was that small. All the babies were awesome and hardly made any noise.
I think I'll get doped up next time.
Really funny article. Perfect name for the she-beast.
Replyi'm about to fly for the first time at the end of this month and of all of the panic inducing things i'm not looking forward to, some screamy little s**t is top of the list.
Replyi have 3 kids. i understand the toddler age. mine were actually total angels once they hit 2, it was age 3 that made me understand how some animals can eat their young. my oldest is disabled so really she's as polite as they come. my other two are 8 and 5, and i constantly get compliments on how well behaved they are in public. i have NEVER had to deal with a public tantrum, not even once. they just aren't those kinds of kids. (i also like to throw some props towards us as parents.)
it's really NOT that hard to start from day one with discipline. i can't spank, i think i've done it maybe 3 times each. being abused as a child made me get creative with discipline and punishment. right now we're working on incorporating "stupid" chores as punishment. "oh you mouthed off? go wipe down every doorknob in the house."
"Stupid" chores as punishment, eh? That is diabolically clever! I'm going to use that method when my son is older:) (He's 3 right now.) Thanks for the idea!