Suggested Improvements for the Guy Who Mugged Me Last Week
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Every Saturday we ask some of our favorite writers to fill in for us. Today, we have former Cracked.com writer Anthony Layser, who is now the deputy managing editor of Asylum.com and the recent victim of a mugging near his home in Brooklyn, New York.
Look, not every mugger is born. Some are made, and you have much to learn. Sure, the way you didn't shoot me was actually quite charming, and you did exhibit the always important ability to speak clearly and distinctly when threatening my life. But should you decide to pursue your hobby as a profession, you'll need to elevate your craft. I am not a criminal myself, so to help guide my critique, I've relied on the invaluable letters of legendary thief and unscrupulous horse trader, Thaddeus "Brier Patch" Budreau and his four A's of "blagging" (that's what they called mugging back then. See? We're already learning!).
NOTE: I cannot recommend Budreau on equine matters, as his views remain most unseemly, even to this day. #1.
Approach
To understand where you went wrong on each critical step of our communal mugging experience, I'll set the scene from my point of view (I hope you find this enlightening). It was early evening on a late summer day, and I was returning home from my office. As I crossed the park, I noticed the absence of dogs and their owners. This is strange since, as you know, the park is normally the scene of clusters of dog walkers chatting as their pooches sniff one another's anuses. At a convergence of paths near the park's tennis courts, I noticed three teenagers approaching me. The leader of this band (you!) approached me wearing a Yankees cap and a baggy burgundy hooded sweatshirt and asked me for the time.
Room for Improvement: I immediately knew something was amiss when you made your request by positioning yourself directly in front of me. Time inquiries are commonly done in passing without either party feeling pressured to be physically intimate. To disarm a mark's defenses, Budreau recommends a seemingly harmless panhandling query or charitable donation request. In modern times, this can be done effectively by dressing up a coffee can with information about a popular cause, such as autism or "American Idol."
Successes: I don't know whether the dog park was empty by chance or if you and your friends informed the local dog owners that the daily off-the-leash hours had expired. If it was the latter, well, you certainly are rascally now aren't you?
#2.
Appeal
By the time I looked up from my watch with a reply of "seven-forty-fuuuuck," you were pulling a handgun from a brown paper bag. Because my pulse quickened and my bowels threatened to move, I was unable to make out the weapon's model. I can say with near certainty that it was larger than a derringer and smaller than a Gatling gun.
At this point you asked, "Do you know what this is?" to which I replied in the affirmative. So far, so good. You followed with the ultimatum: "If you don't want me to use it, you're going to open your bag and give me your laptop." Now we're cooking with gasoline! Only, I did what you said and opened my messenger bag to reveal that I had no laptop. This is where things started to go off the rails for you. I apologized, but you didn't seem angry so much as sad. From your drooping body language, I'm guessing you guys really had your hearts set on a computer, possibly having already ordered broadband service at your places of residence. Room for Improvement: Your appeal was clear and direct thanks in large part to the pistol. However, it lacked menace. Calling me a "pussy-ass bitch" or even simply "dumb motherfucker" may not have produced a computer, but it would have at least caused me to frantically turn over my bag and plead, "Just take it." I think we can both agree that my quality designer carryall would be a significant upgrade from the sandwich bag you were using to tote your gun.
Successes: Despite the lack of a distinctly wrathful tone, I nonetheless nearly shat myself. #3.
Awareness
The clock was ticking and you and your associates had yet to take anything of value. It is during these moments of adversity that awareness comes into play, and you at least showed the wherewithal to request, as a consolation, my cellular phone. Seeing how the exchange had gone up to that point, I retrieved my phone, but didn't turn it over. I showed it to you and explained, "It's pretty crappy. You probably wouldn't get anything for it."
You nodded and sighed. "What about your watch," you inquired, seemingly not wanting to come away from the mugging without one free item. "Chinatown," I blurted out, referring to the area where cheap counterfeit jewelry and bags are sold. Now here I have a confession to make: That was a lie. I bought the watch at Nordstrom. To my surprise, you again heeded my words and, with frustration and resignation, simply demanded, "Just give me your fucking money then." Room for Improvement: As Budreau explains it, awareness is the condition of having a cognizant understanding of the task at hand, which, at its most basic, is to steal things. It also requires an understanding that you probably shouldn't take advice on the appraised worth of valuables from the person you are robbing. On both these points, you failed ... pretty miserably actually.
Successes: Finally, some profanity! Much more in line with the appropriate tone of a mugging. However, this was too little too late. Pepper a few "motherfuckers" in up front and I never would have had the balls to lie about the watch. Also, not to nitpick, but "fucking" was modifying my money, when ideally profanity should be used to demean me. I do count the fact that the gun didn't accidentally go off as a success. #4.
Ascape
History is unclear as to whether Budreau's general lack of propriety gave him the liberty spell the word "escape" with an "a" or if he simply did not know the correct spelling. In any case, after I turned over the cash in my wallet, you thanked me for "not making a scene," and fled with your cohorts, laughing as you went. When I reached the road that runs along the park, I called 911 and reported that I had been mugged by three teenagers, including one wearing a Yankees hat. A few moments later, the police arrived and asked me to get into the backseat of their cruiser to assist them in combing the neighborhood. Every New York City teenager out on the streets wearing a Bronx Bombers' cap (there's surprisingly no dearth of them!) was soon being patted down, ID'd and questioned in an accusing manner about their recent whereabouts. After about 20 minutes of harassing local youth, I asked the authorities to drop me off at home, feeling more hungry than concerned about getting my $33 back from you.
Room for Improvement: Muggers often give their victims a solid punch or pistol whip before parting ways -- a tactic enthusiastically espoused by Budreau. I see this as a matter of preference, and offer that if you'd subsequently assaulted me, rather than thanking me, I probably would've been more interested in helping the police. Successes: If the Yankees hat was a premeditated, Thomas Crown Affair-style blending tactic, this was by far your best move. Kudos! If, however, you're just a Yankees fan, well, congratulations! You now have enough money to purchase exactly one Fathead brand 17-inch Derek Jeter skin for the laptop you will undoubtedly continue to illegally pursue. In Conclusion:
It won't always be laptops. One day, you're going to want to sponsor a sex worker or support a substance abuse problem. But to reach those levels, you're going to need to take a critical look at the way you conduct your muggings. In the meantime, it would be forthright if you showed gratitude for the advice I've offered here by finding another park to terrorize. |
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Well, in this hellhole of a country, things usually go like so:
"Stab stab stab bash bash stab kick take everything, casually walk away"
But, as in any 3rd world country, there are exceptions.
I got mugged 8 times so far, once I nearly died, 5 times I got cools scars and broken bones, BUT!...
Once, I had absolutely nothing...The robber wanted to take my shoes but I has these huge holes in them, plus he nearly fainted as I took one off... at this point, the robber actually tipped me a beer's worth and left without a word.
And then, this time, there was a tiny fellow, half my size who must have seen too many kung-fu movies as he was trying to rob me without any weapon ... He was all threatening and stuff yet he got too close to me. Since I don't exactly know how to defend myself I grabbed him and I simply... fell on him, full force, smack down on the concrete. I just heard something crack as I turned him into a moaning whining pancake. (I'm 140 kilos at almost 2 meters tall) As I left laughing and shaking a somewhat bruised elbow he was still there, rolling in the dirt.
Words of wisdom.
When robbing elephants, do it from across the street.
Some kids tried to mug me once... But luckily I'm a super hero so they didn't get anything. I was walking home from work. 2 kids run up on me from behind, 1 punches me in the side of the face. I throw that kid to the ground, and try to deal with the other one when all of a sudden 4 more kids run up and surround me. The kid I threw down is back on his feet now, and I chase after him to get out of the middle of these kids. I chase him for 20 yards or so before he finally evades me and regroups with all of his friends. So in the middle of the street is me and this group of 6 or 7 guys with about 20 yards in between us. They start walking towards me, and then I start charging at them in a full sprint. Then my common sense kicks in and I realize I'm not Wolverine, and I won't be able to go all berserker on these kids asses, so I do a 180 and start running away from them. While doing this I pull out my cell and call 911, a squad car meets me at the next corner and the kids all split up and take off in every direction. I rode along with the police trying to find the kids but no luck. My mom had been calling me all day that day, so when I got back to my apartment I gave her a call so she could wish me happy birthday.
This reminds me of when I once was mugged in Guatemala. Basically, three guys just went up to me and they trapped me in an alley (at 1:00 in the afternoon!) They all pulled out guns, (glock 17s) and asked for all my money and valuables. The idiots didn't see my 2000 dollar camera or my plane tickets or passport! One guy pointed the gun at my head and looked as if he was about to shoot me, but the other two guys told him not to, and all three ran off.
The author wasn't mugged by one kid, he was mugged by three. Everyone thinks he could have done some Jacky Chan bullshit, but in a situation like that, it's 3 - 1 and they have a gun. While the author only paid attention to the person with the gun and mostly writes about him, it's because he WAS the one with the gun pointed at him, and he was the one that did the talking.
Who knows about the other two. Maybe they were jokers, maybe they were full fledged gang members and they were supervising an initiate's first mugging. Maybe they were caught up with the wrong guy -- it doesn't matter when someone has a gun pointed at you.
Martial arts? Please. You don't bring a karate trophy to a gun fight. That's how muggings turn into homicides.
You're lucky you're still alive.
My brother-in-law had moved to NYC alone several years back. One night a guy Maced him, tasered him, robbed him, then beat him up. He left NYC after that, only to return a few years later with his girlfriend...I guess he's a glutton for punishment.
I got kind of mugged once. Went like this. 6 skin heads surround me in broad daylight on the sidewalk of a VERY crowded road.
they then punch me once in the face, and yell a bunch in German.
this is how I believe the conversation went:
"We're skin heads"
"I don't speak German"
"F*** you, we're Skin Heads!"
"I'm American. What do you want?"
-punch-
"What's going on? I don't understand you"
"Give us your shirt."
"Do you want my shirt?"
"yes. give it to us."
"it's covered in blood now, are you sure you want it?"
"we are very sure. We're skin heads and this is the kind of shi*t we do."
"okay, here."
They leave me standing on the street, covered in blood without a shirt. I was very confused.
Oh boy, I'm pretty sure CavalierX is stupid. Just because it's illegal to own a handgun in NYC, doesn't mean it's impossible to obtain one. It's also illegal to smoke meth. Not impossible to make it.
I wouldn't be suprised if someone posted on here : "I'm sorry i mugged you and I will pay you back the money I took and the laptop which I recently mugged. Thank you for understanding."
Then they post their phone number and address, then show up at your house and you pistol whip them and take the money and newly stolen laptop.
The funniest line in the post: "I do count the fact that the gun didn't accidentally go off as a success"
That was the only success the mugger apparently had. BTW don't parents know how to raise children anymore??
@PieGuyMaster
That was the best comment I've read all week.
Super Mug.
Nice article, usual top quality stuff... I was in an attempted mugging myself (4 dudes). Of course they didn't have guns, in which case I would have been all like, Yessah , Nossah. As it was I kept them at a distance with my improvised fake ass wannabe jackie chan moves, until a bunch of guys heard us and the muggers split
And now it's MY favourite hat.
My only mugging was
"Give me your phone"
"I dont have a phone"
"Then give me your money"
"I spent the last of it on the train ride back here"
"Then give me something"
"Umm... How about my hat"
"Ah Whatever just hand it over"
I miss that hat
it was my favorite hat
The only time i've been mugged i also got off with my f*****g s****y cellphone, you know? but becase i only had 2 dolars with me and no other worthy thing on i suposse the guys realized i was on a worse economical situation than them. Yes, they took the 2 dolars, but still
I used to take the train to school every morning when I was in college. I would cut across the train yard instead of walking around because it would save me a good 10 minutes. Being San Francisco, there were the numerous homeless encampments along the way, but I never had any problems with them. If anything, they went out of their way to not cause issues lest the cops made them move.
One morning though, I was cutting across the train yard as usual when I noticed a man about 25 yards away pacing me. I kept walking and glancing over and he seemed to be closing in on me. He yelled out, "Hey, do you know what time it is?". Immediately I knew something was odd. Why would this random person be following me this whole way just to ask the time. I noticed a group of CalTrans workers about 100 yards ahead of us and began walking as fast as I could toward them. The next time I looked over, the guy who wanted to know the time, and presumably mug me, was walking the other way.
When I read this article, it just brought me back there and made me happy that I had the presence of mind to react to his question the way I did. Who knows what would've happened had I taken my attention away from the situation to look at my watch. Those few seconds can be all that stands between you and getting mugged.
I'm surprised the author of this story even stopped to give the time to the guy that mugged him. Seems a bit out of character for a New Yorker. I'm sure now he'll give the standard New Yorker response to a stupid question which is "F**k off, a**hole!"
Epic win.
Great article!
I too have been mugged by fools in the past. 2 of them jumped me and a friend and ended up taking about £5 and a cheque, useless to them, for about £20.
They saw my mate's diskman in his pocket and failed to take it and failed to take my phone or pager. After I refused to give them my pin number they ran off.
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a kid tried to mug me when i was walking home from school once. he also tried to punch me in the face 3 times. and horribly missed 3 times. i didnt miss with the clumsy bear paw i returned them with. but then comes the standard oh s**t! im losing! moment when he pulled out a knife. now i did what any person who wanted to not get stabbed at this point did. ran like a m**********r! but not before i tried to literally stamp that inbred little bastards kneecap off his leg. and by the howl he let out and the speed at which he hit the floor as i turned and gave my best usain bolt impression i like to think that i succeeded.