The 11 Most Unnecessary 'How To' Guides on the Web
Who says there's nothing useful on the Internet? From Yahoo Answers to the countless How-To sites, the web is full of non-experts telling you how to do everything from change a muffler to castrate a llama.
But some of these "how-tos" seem so grossly unnecessary, we're wondering if these people aren't just getting paid by the word.
#11.
How to Use Kitchen Scissors
This guide is there to save those of us who didn't take those scissors operation classes in college.
Most Important Step:
Step 2: "Put the scissors in the kitchen in an easily accessible place."
Well, that makes sense. Because despite being the best place to store stuff, it turns out it would be a pain in the ass to run to the attic every time you needed your kitchen scissors.
The article goes on to recommend situations where your newfangled kitchen scissors can come in handy. Such as:
"Chopping up whole tomatoes from a can."
Okay, they're clearly fucking with us at this point. You've got some poor sap who needs an Internet guide to use scissors, and you're going to set them to cutting "whole tomatoes" with them? That's like making hood surfing part of the driver's test.
Also, "Cutting pizza wedges."
No, WikiHow. Just fucking no.
Most Important Tip:
Under the "Things You'll Need" heading, the first bullet point is "kitchen scissors." See, this is what the Internet should be for, people.
Most Important Warning:
"To avoid the temptation of using the kitchen scissors for cutting paper or any other household object beyond kitchen preparation, it is a helpful idea to place a second pair of scissors in an accessible location that will stop others from taking off with the kitchen pair."
That's right. Because the biggest concern regarding kitchen scissors would have to be the temptation involved. Forget the midget hooker with the bottle of Jose, because we're really not sure we can resist cutting out paper snowflakes with our exclusive-ass kitchen scissors.
Related Article You're Likely To View Next:
"How to cut glass."
We're guessing you have to avoid the temptation, and use something other than kitchen scissors.
#10.
How to Snap Your Fingers
Let's face it, snapping your fingers is one of those skills where if you can't do it by now, reading a guide probably won't help you.
Most Important Steps:
Step 1: Choose the hand you want to snap with.
Can't argue with that. Trying to learn both hands at the same time might be a bit much.
So far, so good.
Step 2: Have your index finger meet at your thumb about halfway to the top.
Wait, index finger? Ummm, like this?
Step 3: Quickly slide your index finger down the bony part of your thumb.
... What the fuck?
Seriously, how did they fuck this one up that badly?
Most Important Tip:
"Make sure your fingers are slightly moist."
Oh, shit. No. Freaking. Way. Courtesy of WikiHow, we are now going to teach every girl we meet how to snap their fingers. That's right, make 'em moist first, ladies, and then Cracked will show you how it's done.
Most Important Warning:
"Don't annoy people, because they can get very upset or mad."
But they won't get mad if we get two dozen of our friends together and snap our fingers in unison, West Side Story-style, right?
Related Article You're Likely To View Next:
"How to perform a Finger Trick."
We've got to assume that eases you in with Gun Fingaz and works you up to the detachable thumb thing.
#9.
How to Remove a Staple From Your Hand
Forget WebMD, whenever we staple our hand the first thing we do is jump on WikiHow to find out how to remove that bastard.
Most Important Step:
The steps in this article are really limited to extracurriculars, like washing the stapled area, using antibiotic cream, bandaging the wound, etc. It suggests reapplying soap as needed, in case you were stuck on that point.
Then, at step two, WikiHow blithely instructs you to "remove the staple."
You sons of bitches!
Most Important Tip:
"Even though running up to people and showing them the staple can be fun many will not enjoy it."
You know, our middle school principal told us the same thing, but our classmates thought it was awesome.
Most Important Warning:
"Do not try to remove the staple without soap or another lubricant... "
Two steps ahead of you, WikiHow, since it was when reaching for our bottle of KY we keep in the desk drawer when we accidentally stapled our hand in the first place. Still, the "... or another lubricant" seems to be leaving a lot of dangerous leeway for somebody who had to go to the Internet to figure out how to get a staple out of a body part. Lard? Axle grease? Motor oil?
No! Staples feed on Motor Oil!
Related Article You're Likely To View Next:
"How to Treat a Wound."
Because in the world of WikiHow injuries, it either falls under "Staple in the Hand," or it's just another wound. So if we wind up stapling our balls to our thigh, which article do we read?
#8.
How to Organize Your Vast Collection of Pens
Oh, hell yes. If you've had a huge line of male sexual partners, this one will help you organize all those...
Oh, wait. It says "Pens."
Most Important Step:
Step one starts with the words "If you don't have a collection..." Which are most likely intended for the readers who've yet to own a sloppy stack of pens, and merely wish to prepare themselves for the day that embarrassment rears its ugly head.
Step two instructs you to "look for pens in that messy room of yours." That's right, after sitting in your bushes, WikiHow is now in your closet, and knows about the pens "lying around under your bed" and "inside those filthy shoes."
The rest is pretty straightforward, with instructions to acquire some pen cases, and some organization info regarding the different types of pens (i.e. ballpoint pens, gel pens, 0.7, glitter pens, vibrating dick pens, "I Hate WikiHow" pens, etc.).
Finally, you can display your collection! Flaunt your pens! Watch your peers be utterly crushed by jealousy!
Most Important Tip:
It reminds us that "it's okay if the pen doesn't have ink," because "the first thing a person sees is the outside of the pen, not the ink." Sounds like that was written by a dude who was shooting blanks.
Most Important Warning:
WikiHow cautions readers on the risks involved with doing all of this on your bed, for the "ink caps" may come off and "stain the bed sheet."
Yeah... this is definitely not an article about pens.
Related Article You're Likely To View Next:
"How to Keep Gel Pens from Running out of Ink."
We like to think that one includes one line: "Don't fucking use them, asshole."
#7.
How to Change Television Channels
Have those confusing channel buttons had you watching the same TV station your whole life? Well, assuming you can read (which you almost certainly can't if you don't understand how buttons work... ) you're in luck!
Most Important Step:
After the part where they walk us through what those weird symbols over the buttons on the common remote mean, we get this:
Step 7: "Some TVs are very old in witch [sic] case you have to get up and turn the the dial(s) to the desired number."
So if you're seventy-years-old, know how to use the Internet and hunted down WikiHow because you've been watching the same channel since you bought your TV in 1950... well, we'd venture to say that you are part of a very select demographic.
Most Important Tip:
"Keep practicing!"
We will, WikiHow. For days and nights, weeks and months, just for you. Because your articles mean that much to the Internet.
Most Important Warning:
This how-to warns you not to "show off in front of your friends," because "nobody likes a gloater." Plus, that ranks right up there with "pen flaunting" in the list of "Most Successful Pick-Up Techniques."
"That's right, Mom, he changed all the channels. I think I'm gonna marry him."
Related Article You're Likely To View Next:
"How to create 3D television."
Holy shit, that seems like a rather large jump on the scale of technological know-how for Grandma up there...
#6.
How to Fly in Your Dreams
Don't even lie, you know this one piqued your interest.
Most Important Step:
Apparently flying in your dreams starts with getting your brain used to the experience of flying. So these steps consist of helpful suggestions like "ride a skateboard," "swing on a swing set," "watch birds" and, most dubiously, "watch Peter Pan."
No.
Most Important Tip:
The article suggests you "be patient if this doesn't work the first few times" and that you "don't feel bad if it takes more than just a few weeks to accomplish these dreams." And really, what's so bad about watching Peter Pan and swinging on a swing set hour-after-hour for a few measly weeks?
The "Tips" section also offers that you "be creative" in your flight-producing techniques. Might we humbly suggest jumping off of something very tall?
Or...
Most Important Warning:
"Pessimism won't help you..."
Yeah, make sure to smile, and enjoy all that Peter Pan on the swing set. Because really, are you going to second guess Wiki-Freaking-How?
Related Article You're Most Likely to View Next
"How to Have the Dreams You Want."
Might as well title this one: "How To Touch Many Boobies In Your Dreams."
One of the best Cracked articles ever.
ReplyDammit. I still don't know how to snap my fingers properly. This article actually gave me a very slight amount of hope. :(
Reply#1 is funny because according to something on tv, most everyone pets them the wrong way. Supposedly they don't like it when you rub them down their back. But then why if I hold out my hand to them do they do it themselves???
ReplyThe most depressing thing about these is that most articles are written based on a request - so somebody out there has asked for a guide on how to get a staple out of their skin.
ReplyAlso - the mouse guide reminds me of a story an old IT tutor told me about a class of 'silver surfers' she taught. One of the guys picked up the mouse and started running it over the screen of the computer because he though that was how it worked.
And then you gotta wonder, if the person doesn's know how to use a mouse, HOW THE HELL did they navigate to wikihow in the 1st place?
And then you gotta wonder, if the person doesn't know how to use a mouse HOW THE HELL did they navigate to wikihow in the 1st place????
O my god, HA, f**k, my throat hurts from laughing so hard. *breathes calmly* Ok, ok, I'm calm.
ReplyHAAAHAHAHAHAHA. *keels over*
Wait, you didn't have the article on how to JUMP?
ReplyFor some reason that snapping guide really pissed me off, so I signed up for wikihow and deleted it. Easy
ReplyEither you lie, or someone put it back.
After seeing these articles from wikiHow, I think I need a new brain (or a wikiHow to tell me where to get one, lmao).
ReplyThis was Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious! Spelindid article, I laughed so much.
ReplyIm starting to think wikihow is just a huge inside joke for the biggest trolls ever.
ReplyNo question a lot of it is just a joke.
Every SINGLE time I try to count sheep, the third one runs into the fence. If I start over, it happens again... and again... It's horrible. I've made up an island to explore while trying to fall asleep, works a lot better, there is a lot les me me, "Oops... Dammit... Mother! ... Come on! ... Oh, for the love of God, just jump the damn fence!" I'm an insomniac with night terrors, it takes hours to get to sleep.
ReplyOkay, in comments, maybe next time stick to ONE quirky claim about yourself. When you say that the third sheep always runs into a wall, AND you make up islands to fall asleep, AND you are "an insomniac with night terrors", you just look like you're desperate for attention.
Too funny, and I saw that the driving article also suggests "How to Vomit While Driving."
Reply"Try vomiting straight ahead into a container. If a bag/container is unavailable, pull out your shirt collar and vomit onto your chest."
"A passenger can help, if need be, either by alerting them that they need to grab control of the wheel or providing you with something to vomit on/in. Also, while gross, and if they are so inclined, they can cup their hands as an impromptu vomit bag."
I just hope the author had the integrity to test this s**t out thoroughly before making a tutorial, but sadly the lack of photographic evidence indicates otherwise =(
I have honestly had that dilemma. I choked and I started to cough so hard that I almost threw up while I was driving alone. I f*****g panicked. I don't think I needed a 'how to' though. Some things you should just figure out on your own.
Naturally, if while driving the need arose to vomit, my first thought would most definitely be to whip out my smartphone and bust a move over to WikiHow to find the most effective way to handle this situation.
How to Sharpen a Knife Without Tools
ReplyTips
Practice beforehand. Don't wait until you're up to your knees in alligators.
Alligators? What? I... what?
"....Perhaps try letting it cool off at the pound,....."
ReplyThat's just stupid, you can sell it to a Chinese restaurant.
I believe that's what the pic just below that was implying. :)
Dang it, where's the WikiHow for breathing?
ReplyI haven't been able to since I started reading this article.
Actually I don't know to snap my fingers and I learned to fly in my dreams from an issue of the Sandman. God writers on Cracked can be assholes.
ReplyGuys! Hey guys! I just realized that Cracked was right.... idiots DO exist!
Man, I laughed way too loudly at this . . . especially because I'm in a library.
ReplyMAN those libraries are funny.
Darn, I've been snapping incorrectly all these years. I use my middle finger and thumb, not index and thumb. I feel so stupid. Good thing I have instructions now so I can learn to do it correctly.
Replytotally checked out the flying in my dreams one. :)
ReplyI think the most interesting question all of this raises comes from how to use a mouse. More important than anything else mentioned, how did someone who can't use a mouse manage to navigate their computer all the way to a wikihow article explaining it to them? Surely the demographic of people who can go from powering on their computer to the proper wikihow page using only the keyboard (and don't know how to use a mouse) is even smaller than the 70 yr olds that can work their computer but not the tv they've had for the past 50 yrs...
Reply Hide All See All 6 RepliesI worked for a computer company for a few years, and I had one very nice old lady that called in about the foot pedal for the PC. Foot pedal? Yeah, she had been using the mouse with her foot! Apparently, the only other electronic device she had ever used was a sewing machine, and those have a pedal that she said looks like a mouse. I've never used a sewing machine, so I don't know how close the two things might look.
A sewing machine pedal looks NOTHING like a mouse. It looks like a wedge, and you press it down like a car pedal. The only commonality is that they both plug in the side of the machine. How did this woman click?
maybe they have a laptop, which usually have a touchpad?
Very carefully
I am so going to use my mouse with my foot now. Or at least I would if I were currently on a pc and not an itouch.
Sporky, I wld imagine she used her big toe????