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7 Retarded Food Myths the Internet Thinks Are True

By Yuval Bar-On Nov 21, 2008 1,584,328 views
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Is it us, or was most of the information on the internet created purely as an experiment to see how gullible people are?

There's probably no better example than the outlandish and, quite frankly, retarded food "facts" that get spread around. To listen to these people, half the stuff in your refrigerator is a dangerous substance that was originally designed as a chemical weapon.

#7.
Coca-Cola Will Melt Your Stomach

This rumor names Coca-Cola, but presumably applies to Pepsi, RC, Dr. Pepper, all of those drinks that you always thought were just harmless caramel-flavored CO2 and high fructose corn syrup. That is, until this email came along with horrifying factoids like:

"You can put a T-bone steak in a bowl of Coke and it will be gone in two days.

The active ingredient in Coke is phosphoric acid. Its pH is 2.8. It will dissolve a nail in about 4 days. Phosphoric acid also leaches calcium from bones and is a major contributor to the rising increase in osteoporosis.

To carry Coca-Cola syrup (the concentrate) the commercial truck must use the Hazardous material place cards reserved for Highly corrosive materials."

We get it! It's an acid! An acid so powerful it can eat your bones! Fuck!

The Facts

There are so many Coke rumors that Snopes has an entire section of their site dedicated to them. Yes, Coke does contain an acid. So does a whole lot of what you eat and drink (orange juice is more acidic, for instance). The key is that the acids are diluted enough that they won't eat a hole through your innards. Products that do that tend to sell poorly.

Now it's true the trucks carrying the concentrated syrup used to make Coke do have the Corrosive Chemicals signs on them, but that's because they're dealing with the concentrated components, not the Coke itself. Using that as proof Coke is poison is like saying you can't drink whiskey because it's flammable. That's what makes it good.

#6.
Red Bull Gives You Wings, and By Wings, We Mean a Brain Tumor

If an innocent Coke can eat a hole in your guts, who the hell knows what Red Bull can do, right? Well, if this email (that may or may not have been forwarded to you by your mom) is to be believed, it can give you a brain tumor:

"Ever wondered what's in a can of Red Bull Energy drink? The small print lists a host of ingredients and among them is an artificially manufactured stimulant developed in the early 60's by the American Government.

Glucuronolactone was first used in the Vietnam conflict to boost morale amongst GI's who were suffering from stress and fatigue, but was banned after a few years following several deaths and hundreds of cases involving anything from severe migraines to brain tumors in personnel prescribed the stimulant.

An article in this month's edition of the British Medical Journal has highlighted a growing number of cases reported by Doctors and Surgeons involving the very same side effects from the 70s. All of the patients examined were regular drinkers of RedBull and it is believed that the safety of Glucuronolactone is currently under review in at least three major European countries."

The Facts

Every word of that is a lie. Really, every single word. Well, maybe except the part about Red Bull containing glucuronolactone.

The chemical was not invented by the government (it occurs naturally in the body). The whole Vietnam story is a lie, the British Medical Journal article does not exist and the FDA doesn't have shit about glucuronolactone being dangerous.

Now, there was this one kid who drank three Red Bulls in a row and then died some hours later, which caused some countries to ban the product. Though this means that the brain tumor theory is out (unless he magically grew a tumor so huge that it gave him a heart attack--but we're pretty sure they would have mentioned that).

As for glucuronolactone, a can of Red Bull does contain 600 mg of the stuff, which is 250 times a person's normal intake. What are the effects? Nobody knows. The reason there are so many rumors about it is that there have been almost no studies into what it actually does. We don't even know if it actually gives you energy.


Maybe this is what Red Bull is for.

The same can be said for the other key ingredient, taurine. In some cases it even acts like a sedative.

So how does a can of Red Bull give you that burst of energy? Check out the amount of sugar and caffeine on the label. If you want a reason not to drink it, why not that?

#5.
MSG Burns Your Brain Cells

Monosodium glutamate--or MSG--is a common food additive. You probably can't pick up a can of soup, TV dinner or bag of Chinese takeout that doesn't include MSG.

The rumors probably started with some people complaining of headaches after eating at Chinese restaurants. From there the story mutated into, "MSG BURNS YOUR BRAIN-CELLS! RUN!!!!" Now the story even gets repeated on health websites:

"Monosodium glutamate (MSG) is a dangerous food ingredient compound known as an excitotoxin. Excitotoxins are proteins which make brain cells fire their impulses rapidly when they make contact with it. The cells become so hyper-excited that they continue to fire until the cell is exhausted, and subsequently die.

Monosodium glutamate isn't just sensed by the taste buds in our tongues, it also triggers and excites the neurons in the brain. Free glutamic acid is able to reach the brain where it can injure and kill the neurons.

This acid doesn't cause a problem in anyone when it is a part of whole, natural, God created unprocessed food. It becomes a problem when man separates it through a chemical process in a laboratory."

The Facts

Have you noticed how all of these rumors seem to assume there's just nobody at all looking out for food safety? They make it sound like they could replace the filling in Ding Dongs with baboon semen and we'd have no defense if not for the dedicated email forwarders of the world.


Look at that little guy.

Fortunately in the real world, countries have agencies like The Food and Drug Administration to test these things. And no, MSG won't eat your brain, or cause any other long-term illnesses. Not unless you eat a wheelbarrow of the stuff every day, at which point you would have other problems.

Now, to be fair, it does appear that some people do have a sensitivity to MSG and may feel like shit for a few hours after eating a lot of it. And you will eat a lot of it. Another side effect is obesity, because MSG actually stimulates the appetite (or blocks the brain chemicals that tell you to stop eating). So, like Coca-Cola, it won't kill you but will force you to buy bigger pants.

#4.
Cold Water After a Meal will Give You Cancer... Or a Heart Attack...

Cold water? Seriously? Yep, if you believe every retarded thing you read.

The theory goes, we've all seen how grease solidifies when it cools, such as in your drains. Well, your intestines are exactly like drains, right? So drinking cold water after a fatty meal will make that shit solidify in your guts! Oh, no!


Your heart, every time you drink cold water. Probably.

"For those who like to drink cold water, this article is applicable to you. It is nice to have a cup of cold drink after a meal. However, the cold water will solidify the oily stuff that you have just consumed.

A cardiologist says if everyone who gets this mail sends it to 10 people, you can be sure that we'll save at least one life. Once this "sludge" reacts with the acid, it will break down and be absorbed by the intestine faster than the solid food. It will line the intestine. Very soon, this will turn into fats and lead to cancer. It is best to drink hot soup or warm water after a meal. A serious note about heart attacks: You should know that not every heart attack symptom is going to be the left arm hurting. Be aware of intense pain in the jaw line. Nausea and intense sweating are also common symptoms."

The Facts

No.

Here's a good general tip: If the person giving you medical advice seems to easily confuse cancer and heart attacks, as this person does in their second paragraph up there, they might not know what they're talking about.


"Get the paddles, he's having a cancer!"

As for the "cold water will solidify grease in your guts" thing, do we even need to explain this? After all, between your mouth and your intestines is a little-known organ called the "stomach." Even if you eat half a dozen Snow Cones after every meal, it's all going to land in your stomach and reach body temperature within a few minutes. Even if you stuff them up your ass you'll be fine (trust us).

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331 Comments

That canola article is surprisingly accurate. It was engineered by agronomists who wanted to capitalise on the oil in rapeseed - which was actually used as lubricant in heavy industry. Unfortunately, rapeseed naturally contains high levels of erucic acid, which while not exactly poisonous, isn't great for you and basically tastes gross. Its also indigestible for babies; their stomachs don't produce the proper enzymes until after they are weaned.

The word "canola" does in fact come from Canada, and oil, but its a shortening of: Canadian oil, low acid, referring to the lower euricic acid levels in Canola.

1 Replies | Hide Replies | Reply | Posted on 2/27/2010 10:25 AM
opendestiny

And it makes a great lubricant for anal sex. :D

Posted on 3/18/2010 12:53 AM
electronaut

Did anyone else notice the it was the DAUGHTER'S arm that split open, when she was the one hit her mom?.......WTF is up with that?

3 Replies | Hide Replies | Reply | Posted on 2/11/2010 4:09 PM
MrOrange

It was the lady who wrote the letters daughter whos arm split open, and the ladys whos arm split open was hit by her daughter. It was writen by the grandmother of the girl who hit her mom.

Posted on 2/12/2010 10:37 AM
steelerskid13

The doctor was the kid's mom!

Posted on 2/22/2010 2:37 PM
Nekromancer

tsk tsk tsk... These people who make such wild claims are just fear mongering. It's even worse than that dihydrogen monoxide incident a while back....

3 Replies | Hide Replies | Reply | Posted on 2/11/2010 8:13 AM
carrot74

Haha! I really was wondering for a while that "what the hell is dihydrogen monoxide?", and really hit my head on the wall when I realized that what an idiot I was! :D

Posted on 2/11/2010 11:43 AM
Pdsfoj

My exact words when I heard that: "Dihydrogen monoxide? I'm supposed to be afraid of H2O? Oh, Jesus, I'd better not shower, or drink water, or... breathe, or exist."

Note to fear mongers: next time you try to use the specific name for something to scare people use "Lysergic Acid Diethylamide" or "Delta-9-Tetrahydrocannabinol" or something else that doesn't literally reside EVERY-FUCKING-WHERE. (I'll leave you guys to figure out what those two are, if you didn't already figure it out a long time ago).

Posted on 2/11/2010 8:45 PM
Malph

#2 is worse then it sounds. water is one ATOM away from hydrogen gas. it is one MOLECULE away from every other molecule that exists.

2 Replies | Hide Replies | Reply | Posted on 2/9/2010 8:38 AM
rickyodaman

Well, you could also say that water is one molecule away from sulfuric acid, as water is H2O and the acid is H2SO4. In fact all matter is just one molecule away from any other, as there are water molecules, oxygen molecules (as oxygen likes to be in O2 form) etc.

Posted on 2/11/2010 3:01 AM
Pdsfoj

Yes, how terrifying for those who didn't take 10th grade biology.

Posted on 2/20/2010 10:55 PM
alexoblivion

Fear. It sells better than pancakes at a Waffle House.

0 Replies | Reply | Posted on 1/28/2010 9:50 PM
CoyoteLupino

@Pancake89 You've got a pretty good comment there. You should write an article some time and see how it goes. You speak like these comedians do.

0 Replies | Reply | Posted on 1/18/2010 9:17 PM
Racecarlock

one molecule away??? it should be one atom away, and thats a huge difference...

0 Replies | Reply | Posted on 1/17/2010 12:23 PM
Autism

I see butter and margarine as equally evil. And by evil I mean a 1.7 on the 1-10 scale of evil. 1 being the lint in your dryer and 10 being Satan's undead army of minions who are even more angry at the world than Satan himself. Butter is fat. It's whipped fat. Margarine WAS unsaturated fat, which is not bad for you, that some company (apparently in France...) turned into saturated fat, which is bad for you. So either way we're screwed. Now all you have to do is decide which flavor you like better, because unless you're eating a pound of butter a day or an entire tub of margarine a day, it's probably not going to hurt you, at least not noticeably.

0 Replies | Reply | Posted on 1/17/2010 11:40 AM
Pancake89

"get the paddles, he's having a cancer!" LOLZORGS!

0 Replies | Reply | Posted on 12/22/2009 7:00 AM
taco6

So Twinkies weren't originally developed to keep for long periods of time in fallout shelters then? Is that a myth too?

1 Replies | Hide Replies | Reply | Posted on 12/19/2009 4:51 PM
Hollykim

no. There's basically nothing in a twinkie that keeps for long periods of time aside for the packaging. yellow cake+ cream= 1twinkie

Posted on 2/11/2010 8:15 AM
carrot74

ahhh... MSG, an essential neurotransmitter, the fluid that surrounds our brain and spine. without it we could not live.

1 Replies | Hide Replies | Reply | Posted on 12/18/2009 5:54 PM
Discoman

MSG IS actually dangerous.

An oversupply of Glutamate, the G in MSG can cause migraines and seizures.

That said, an oversupply of Glutamate is more than what is in a box of Peppered Beef (I love that s**t). So feel free to eat chinese for lunch tomarrow, you won't die.

Posted on 2/11/2010 8:54 PM
Malph

Cracked makes me feel a lot safer :)

0 Replies | Reply | Posted on 12/8/2009 1:28 AM
silver_eye

LOLWTF, you mean this is what I miss out on when I delete my spam without reading it.
Well, there is one thing about margarine in here that is true... it's bad for you. You see, it's hydrogenated, which means it's been turned into a complex chain and crap that it's too late at night for me to explain too well but anyway complex hydrogen chain is bad.. blah blah...
Dunno in comparison to butter which is worse, I've heard it said that butter actually has good fat so it's actually better. The french use butter up the wazoo in their cooking and they're considered healthier than use so maybe there really is something there... Whatever, make up your own mind, just don't think margarine is actually better than butter and pile it on either.
Oh and MSG... dunno either, lot of controversy there. But it isn't some mysterious compound, it's made from kelp, or once was, but the molecule chain turns out the exact same so no difference there. I get headaches from it and it's not psychological,

1 Replies | Hide Replies | Reply | Posted on 12/1/2009 9:08 PM
JunpakuKarasu

I only eat margarine because I am lactose intolerant, extremely lactose intolerant to the point I can't have dairy like AT ALL or I get sick. Otherwise I would be perfectly glad to eat butter instead. And I am sensitive to MSG so chinese food upsets my stomach and I end up feeling like crap. But it doesn't happen to everyone. These people with their fear mongering chain letter type emails drive me nuts. They fill your inbox with a bunch of insane bulls**t that makes no sense and scares people for nothing. It sucks!! Never believe anything you got in one of those email chain letter things!!

Posted on 3/2/2010 2:44 PM
kaosgirl22_2010

MONSANTO ,typo

0 Replies | Reply | Posted on 12/1/2009 4:51 PM
decepticonale

MONSATO WILL RULE US ALL!!!!(they rape oil farmers)

0 Replies | Reply | Posted on 12/1/2009 4:50 PM
decepticonale

hahaha rape oil
http://bit.ly/12w7ZV

0 Replies | Reply | Posted on 10/11/2009 4:07 PM
wickedmonkey

wow carnola oil really people

0 Replies | Reply | Posted on 10/11/2009 10:07 AM
kishmonster123

I have a friend that works at the B.C. Forestry Center. They discovered that if you mix red-bull in with water for trees, they'll grow 10% faster. However, they'll die if you stop. In all fairness though, I'm pretty sure that's the caffeine, not the red bull.

0 Replies | Reply | Posted on 10/4/2009 9:50 PM
Tylendal

I wants me some popcorn now XDD
-goes to get popcorn-

0 Replies | Reply | Posted on 9/10/2009 11:09 PM
omnimancer

All of those e-mails read like a five year old wrote them. Also, I have to laugh at the whole "don't drink cold water" thing because it's actually more healthy for you if you do drink it ice cold. For every glass of water, your body burns 17 calories!

1 Replies | Hide Replies | Reply | Posted on 9/8/2009 12:53 PM
obxsurferbabe

Not everything that burns calories is necessarily good for you.. And while cold water isn't the worst thing in the world, it's also not the healthiest. The sudden change in temperature in your mouth won't make your teeth too happy (along the same lines as what happens to an ice cube when put in a warm liquid..), the same applies for the muscle lining in your esophogus and stomach, it can cause muscle spasms. Oh, and let us not forget the dreaded brain freeze..

Posted on 2/19/2010 3:33 AM
Corbie
Cracked stuff on
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