The closest you can get to being a Cracked Editor without having to apologize to a judge.
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So you're a football fan who's desperate to get your hands on some Super Bowl tickets. You can't afford to buy any without selling your car and two major organs, and you have absolutely no other useful possessions, or even skills, to offer the world. What do you do? You post a sad, desperate plea on the Internet. Maybe it'll work, maybe it won't. But either way, Cracked will make fun of you. #6.
Woman Sells Ad Space on Pregnant Stomach
There are some fantastic wives in this world, and then there is Jennifer Gordon. At eight months pregnant, a time when many women would be raining down hellfire on their husbands for even daring to watch football, she hatched a foolproof plan to get her and her man to Super Bowl XLI in person. Hell. Yes. All she had to do was go on the Internet and offer to paint any message on her pregnant belly in exchange for Super Bowl tickets. Wait, did we say the plan was foolproof? We think that was the wrong word.
Naturally, being that this is the Internet, the offers poured in. Would she get off merely having to paint her belly to look like the Death Star? Or some 4chan meme, such as a dude in an afro saying, "VAGINA'S CLOSED"? Or, would she find herself at the 50-yard line with "THE DADDY COULD BE ANY OF SIX NAMELESS HOBOS" stamped in giant letters on her abdomen? After sifting through over 200 offers, many of which were described as "wacky" or "X-rated" (who could have predicted that?), she got off with merely having to advertise a Chicago-based company called UBid.com (auctions? On the Internet? Why didn't anyone else think of that?!).
UBid.com lamely just had her put the logo on her belly, passing up countless opportunities for meta humor, ie, "BID FOR MY VIRGINITY AT UBID.COM!" You got off easy this time, Jennifer Gordon. #5.
Troy Polamalu Lookalike Will Bang Your Wife
With this guy we go from real fan dedication to whatever you call the opposite of that. In the whole universe of people offering extraordinary stuff in exchange for tickets to the big game, we have this Craigslist posting. What does this guy have to offer? Well, you know, whatever. On the short list of mundane tasks he's willing to take off your hands: shoveling your snow for a year, fixing your pipes, driving your kids around or repairing your computer. That's right, for the ultra-low price of just relinquishing your multi-thousand dollar Super Bowl ticket, he will, literally, perform hundreds of dollars worth the mundane tasks.
Of course none of that would qualify him for this list on its own. No, it's his casual offer to "bang your wife" that he throws on the same list as "repair your computer" that we admire. It's hard to imagine a scenario where this would be useful, or at least useful to the tune of being worth giving up seats at the Super Bowl. We can only think of one: The wife is a huge Steelers fan. The husband hates football, but was going to be dragged to the Super Bowl after his wife got tickets. So one day before the game, he leaves the wife home alone. She gets a knock at the door, and opens it to see this dude standing there in his number 43 jersey. "Ma'am, I'm Troy Polamalu, of the Pittsburgh Steelers. I cannot explain why, but I need your Super Bowl tickets. And I will do anything to get them. Anything. Oh, please excuse me, my Troy Polamalu dong has just slipped out of my pants."
Everybody wins. #4.
Please, Help a Poor Family Out
These are tough economic times. The stock market is struggling, unemployment is kicking all sorts of ass and, lately, Cracked has taken to paying its writers in unused flooz.com credits. But do lean times have to mean people miss out on a trip to the big game? Of course not. Take this destitute family's Craigslist posting, for example. The headline says it all: "need Super Bowl tix for me and my 3 kids - We are poor." And just in case that plea didn't tug on the ol' heartstrings enough to get people to give up their tickets for free, the ad went on to explain that the hard-luck family would pay $5200.00 for the four tickets.
Apparently, between the time the ad was first run and now, someone asked why they wouldn't use the five grand on, say, food or rent. The post was then edited to confess that the whole "poor" thing was an exaggeration. Oh and, apparently, this heart-of-gold schemer doesn't have kids either.
So it was a pretty good plan, except for... well, every word of that stuff we described up there. But if you'd like to send a wealthy fuckstick and three friends to Tampa, that offer is still on the table. |
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is it me or does the pic from the superbowl half time show look like a fat gay demon standing behind a curtine
Deadly monster truck accident captured on video: dang!
http://www.tokillfor.com/view_video.php
I'll give you three crayons and my milk.
"Downtown Toronto"
lol
That Sarah Spain girl's voice is kind of annoying.
Wow some people are just ridiculous over sports
Yeah, I get jazzed like that at first. It's when I start coming down from the high that I start getting tired.
I think my insomnia is mostly due to the fact that even long after I'm tired physically my brain won't wind down until IT decides it's ready to do so. I basically have to FORCE it to unfocus on shit which is sometimes self-defeating as you can imagine.
But if I smoke a couple or so bowls I can just zone out and drift off to sleep.
And no..... it's not laced with sherm or anything.
Its just really powerful shit. It even smells like fruit loops and fruity pebbles before you burn it up.
Sometimes I fuck around and call it Mango Madness, or Mango-Guava. Like if it was a flavor of Snapple.
Thats a trip. 15 years is a lifetime in some cases. There's been so many times I just got fuckin' tired of blazing it, and vow to quit cold turkey the next day so I can get my energy levels up naturally, get proper rest, and enjoy a sober life with my beautiful loving family.
Cut to 4 miserable days later, I'm a speeding fiend driving to the dope man's house to buy an ounce of the strongest shit imaginable.
I don't know about anybody else, but Life is so much more laid back and fun when you can burn up all your problems in a fat bowl of Bubble Kush, just kick back and laugh at the things that would drive another person insane.
Normally, bud is supposed to get you sleepy and relaxed. For some reason, that shit works like crack-cocaine for me. I can take a few rips and clean my whole apartment from top to bottom, still have enough hyper energy to roughhouse with my kid for a couple of hours. But thats just me, I guess.
Oh yeah. That's another thing for me. I go to bed earlier, too which helps a lot. I used to be up til 1-3 AM because I couldn't sleep, then I'd be stressing about it which only made it worse...
LOL yeah.
Oh, and as far as announcers go I lucked out there as well. Kruk and Kuipe are anything but dry. Those fools crack me up every time. They're fucking awesome.
Lordastral: You ever used to watch "The Man Show" with Adam Carolla and Jimmy Kimmel? They had these girls called The Juggies (they were the show's cheerleaders) And their whole job consisted of jumping on trampolines and bouncing around in skimpy outfits for a half hour. Good shit.
Jenna:
Thats cool, man. Ever since I'v went back to weekend warrior status, I'v been having the worst sleep monday thru friday. Weekends aren't much better since I stay up till 2am getting high and playing PS3. Then my boy wakes me up at 6 in the morning.
So pretty much, "there's no rest for the wicked" as they say.
Sup, JV. how's it goin'?
Bud habit is working out rather well. Ironically I do much better at work because of it due to its effectiveness at curbing my chronic insomnia thereby letting me get some good sleep that I haven't been getting for prolly the last 15 years or so. Prior to that I just lived with it.
Yeah, I'd much rather be playing it, too but you hit in on the head. Chanting "Beat LA" doesn't seem quite as silly when you're doing with 50,000 other people.
Hey Mr Vorhees,
I don't give a rat's ass about the Gaza situation, and I don't even like football.
I do like cheerleaders, though. We should have a 3 hour primetime special full of nothing but cheerleaders in skimpy outfits bouncing up and down and performing sexual suggestive dance moves. With each other.
Hell, make em nude.
I'd bet that #1 paid good money for those.
id do all these things to have seen prince at the superbowl last year, including all the sexual acts that were only hinted. (and even those that werent hinted)
Did TheEnemyBelow even read the article? What a nob!
Because people will pay ridiculous prices for stupid useless shit.