The 11 Most Retarded Fictional Weapons
What would you give for a working lightsaber? Or, barring that, a pulse rifle from Aliens?
If we could make fictional weapons real, there's no limit to the ass we could kick. That's because writers and prop departments are usually pretty good at coming up with weapons too badass to exist. Usually.
Sometimes, though, they get so involved in making something that looks cool on the screen that they come up with a weapon that, in reality, would be more dangerous to the guy using it. For instance...
#11.
The Batarang
Used By:
Batman.
Why It Could Be Cool:
Because he's the goddamned Batman.
Why It Absolutely Is Not Cool:
We all know Batman loves to maintain a consistent theme. And we're fine with that. We don't mind that he calls his car the Batmobile, or his hideout the Batcave, or his computer the Batputer, because it doesn't affect his crime fighting. If he wants to have a cool bat screensaver or a bat-shaped birthday cake, whatever, as long as it works.
It was at the invention of the batarang that somebody should have intervened and told Bruce to spend less time worrying about every single accessory fitting the theme. Making your deadly boomerang thing bat-shaped makes it hard to store, hard to throw and, in reality, would be next to impossible to catch without severing three of your own fingers.
Look, Batman, the bad guys aren't going to care what your weapon looks like once it's lodged in their neck. Don't worry about it, you look fine. Quit primping, get out there and stop some goddamn criminals.
#10.
The Bowcaster
Used By:
Chewbacca.
Why It Could Be Cool:
It looks pretty cool, and considering Chewbacca can do a pretty good job of tearing your head off without a weapon, you'd assume whatever he's carrying is ten times as badass as, say, whatever Han is carrying.
Why It Is Absolutely Not Cool:
According to the type of people who study the workings of completely fictional weapons, the bowcaster is like a crossbow that uses two polarizing orbs to generate a magnetic field to accelerate the little arrows.
That's right. Instead of the hundreds of other energy weapons available in the Star Wars universe, this one decides to use a technology we gave up somewhere around the time we decided that being covered in mud and shit wasn't all that cool. Sure, the bolt is covered in a sheath of something called plasmoid, but then what's the point of having a little bit of metal in the middle of it? Why not just fire the energy? Is there some super-futuristic armor in the Star Wars universe that can stop an energy beam but not an arrow?
"Shit."
The bowcaster also has to be cocked before each shot, which would be fine if you were fighting the Senior Citizens of the Molasses Nebula, but can be bothersome when the enemy can fire unlimited blasts of energy at the speed of light. Hell, we're pretty sure that alone makes the bowcaster shittier than the guns you can pick up in an average pawn shop.
#9.
The Bowler Hat from Goldfinger
Used By:
Oddjob.
Why It Could Be Cool:
The hat does cut the head off a statue at one point. Though it could have been a really shitty statue for all we know.
"No wait! Use a watermelon or something to demonstrate your stupid hat. That statue cost me six dollars."
Why It Is Absolutely Not Cool:
Okay, we understand that even though Oddjob is an incredibly tough dude (we see him shrug off a gold brick to the solar plexus) he may still need to kill somebody at a distance and that this would require a weapon of some kind. There is no reason, however, for this weapon to be a sharp novelty hat.
That's what guns are for. And don't tell us he's never heard of one, or has some obscure religious aversion to them--Oddjob uses one earlier in the film. Even if he needs to be silent, there is this thing called a throwing knife. They came out with those about 1000 years ago.
This thing makes the Batarang well thought-out by comparison, as the only thing this is good for is accidentally slicing open your fingers about three times a day when you go to take it off your head. Go ahead and invent a circular saw codpiece while you're at it, Oddjob.
#8.
The Boxing Glove Arrow
Used By:
The Green Arrow.
Why It Could Be Cool:
What's cooler than boxing? How about long-distance boxing?
Why It Is Absolutely Not Cool:
When you've decided to be a superhero and you're coming up with a theme for yourself, you could do a lot worse than arrows. They're fast, deadly and let you attack from a distance without having to resort to the guns that are so frowned upon in the superhero world.
But, not content to stick to plain old arrows with maybe a flaming one every once in a while, Green Arrow thought he'd get innovative. Having quickly run through, apparently, the only three good arrow ideas in the universe, he wound up with glue arrows and net arrows and fire extinguisher arrows and a boomerang arrow. But hands down, his worst idea was the boxing glove arrow.
Looks like SOMEONE should've spent less time asking questions and more time not getting his ass handed to him.
The saddest part about the boxing glove arrow is that in order for it to be even plausibly aerodynamic, the boxing glove has to be shrunk down to about the size of a baby's fist. Now, babies are terrifying in their own way, but it has nothing to do with their fists and everything to do with their shitty diapers. Put one of those on the end of an arrow and maybe you'd have something.
#7.
The B.B. Gun
Used By:
The Blue Beetle.
Why It Could Be Cool:
What it lacks in firepower it more than makes up for in girth. Yeah, keep telling yourself that Blue.
Why It Absolutely Is Not Cool:
No, it's not the "BB Gun" you had as a kid, but is somehow even lamer.
The Blue Beetle's weapon was a bulky, oversized gun that shot compressed air and light. And because, apparently, his enemies include stray cats and his little sister, he gave it a totally unthreatening name: "B.B. Gun."
Now, we at Cracked wouldn't want a shot of compressed air to the gut (although on a hot day the B.B. Gun can be quite refreshing if aimed at the face) but we're not supervillains. Well, not tough ones anyway.
Though, in fairness, he's barely a superhero.
If you're throwing it down with some superpowered madman hell bent on ruling the universe, you probably want something a little stronger than a puff of air. As for the blinding light, a trip to Sunglasses Hut renders that feature useless.
Even if the enemy forgets his shades at the beach, all a blast of light is going to do is piss him off. Is it any wonder you hardly ever saw Blue Beetle use it in the comics? Even he thought it was useless, and it was freaking named after him.
#6.
The Triple-Bladed Sword
Used By:
Talon, from The Sword And The Sorcerer.
Why It Could Be Cool:
Swords are cool. It's a triple sword. That means it's triple cool, right? Right?
Wait, you're saying you've never seen this movie? Hang on to your asses, kids:
Oh, shit yeah!
Why It Absolutely Is Not Cool:
As amazing as that clip up there was, we're afraid it only made the triple sword appear awesome. Sure it's three perfectly aligned blades are awesome for slicing bread, but pretty much make it three times as hard to stab somebody.
Sure, as you so vividly saw, two of the blades launch (by compressed air no less) but where the hell do you find replacement blades for it? You know you're not getting that shit back.
Actually, Batman doesn't call his computer the "Batputer". He calls it the "Bat computer". Which is probably a good thing.
ReplyI love Doctor Who and #1 made me laugh like a crazy person. I love how the daleks are the most feared warriors for no apparent reason. It's, you know, because they have, like, no emotions and are covered in metal, man. Clearly a show that started in the 60's.
ReplyWhere is the Illudium Q-36 Explosive Space Modulator?
ReplyBugs Bunny hasn't given it back yet.
...Okay, you guys are amazing, but you should really research the stuff you write about. The Gunblade is epic. And it kicked my ass multiple times in Kingdom Hearts.
ReplyAll that yammering and the writer missed the BIG draw back of The Ultimate Nullifier. That being, whoever uses it gets erased along with the target.
ReplyDidn't we have this a minute ago? *confusion*
Replyactually the gyn sword was real, it looked cooler but was, sadly just as lame
ReplyNow all I can think about is a sword meant to combat lady-bits.
Actually the gunblade doesnt shoot bullets or magic. It fires blanks, which put shock waves into a cavity in the sword, making it vibrate do do more damage. This is why you can time a button press with Squall's strikes to score a critical hit, the gunblade fires at the moment of sword impact.
ReplyThis does make it way more retarded though, which is probably why in Advent Children they decided to make the gunblades more like long revolvers with bayonets under the barrels.
The Gunblade thing works because Final Fantasy is, like its fanbase, completely f*****g retarded and not to be approached under any circumstances lest child hungry manchildren with glued hair try to steal your coins and talk to birds.
ReplyYou're entitled to your presumptuous opinion, no matter how idiotic it is.
No he's not. Nobody is entitled to an opinion. Everyone is entitled to an argument.
Clearly final fantasy is not exactly based upon logic, in advent children cloud gets "lifted" by his friends into the sky to kill the monster the remnants summoned, point is the gunblade is pretty awesome,(yes, Leon is pretty irritating but Tidus(10) and Snow(13) are imo worse by far. There is a ton of unrealistic weapons on there (Buster sword, Sephiroth's masamune), point is, they are awesome, no one cares(at least not me), how unrealistic they are.
ReplyIn the new Dr. Who (I've never seen the old one), the Daleks use their plunger to suck peoples' faces off and gain their knowledge. This is aso what I use my plunger for.
ReplyNot to mention the Dalek gun is very powerful (see: new series, classic series' Special Weapons Dalek)
wow, seems i've been wasting the use of my plunger for decades.
There were actual gun swords (they didn't work very well if im not mistaken) and the Bat'leth was found to be a viable weapon by the shaolin's
ReplyYes, but circumstantially, it sucks.
It only sucks until the Borg adapt to your phasers.
It's actually called a "GunBLADE" and it does NOT SHOOT BULLETS. How have you never played Final Fantasy??
ReplyNo it's not and yes it does, you troll.
I can see the argument against the Gunblade, but they're all based around the notion that they are designed in a specifically nn-fantasy world. The world of FF8 had magic, and that's precisely what the Gunblade fired. I wouldn't be surprised if the metal was some sort of magical alloy that was lighter than steel anyway. And Squall wasn't all that whiny. A bit douchey, but he didn't really whine all that much. He was actually a bit of a bastard.
ReplyAs a complete f*****g retard, I highly object to the use of the word "Retarded" in the title of your article.
ReplyWhat about the flaming dynamite arrows from the Dukes of Hazzard?
ReplyDon't go trashing Bo and Luke dude.
It was funny how they couldn't carry guns but somehow an arrow with dynamite on the end is somehow safer.
Cracked articles would be much better if it didn't seem like they Author's sat around all day finding the nerdiest thing to seemingly make fun of. If it was say, random it would be better.
ReplyThe only way this could be more, makingfunofnerdsier is if the gunblade one had mentioned the guy from Firefly
A well-made sword doesn't weigh twenty pounds. Combined with a handgun, though, the one to two extra pounds hanging off the barrel makes it difficult to aim and use.
ReplyAttempts to combine guns and blades were made back when most guns were single-shot. They probably didn't have much advantage over simply carrying a knife or short sword in addition to the musket or pistol. Bayonets at least made muskets into a type of spear (and when someone invented a bayonet that didn't plug the barrel, that saved a bit of time).
The Dalek 'plunger' is an all-purpose limb. The new series had the budget to make it look awesome. Kill a man, then hack the code to escape the room.
If you're talking about retarded fictional weapons, why not talk about Zoro Roronoa (the One Piece manga/anime) 's THREE samurai swords fighting style? that'd be impossible to do in real life.
Reply Hide All See All 4 RepliesTried it. works until someone hits the mouth sword, then it rocks your dome piece.
Yeah, but that's three sane weapons wielded in an insane way. That would be an entry for "The X Most Retarded Fictional Fighting Styles."
Don't use sense and One Piece together. There's a character who's so strong that the air visibly shatters when he punches it. One of the main characters is a cyborg who built himself to run on cola after he lost a fistfight with a train. Approaching it from a logical standpoint is a descent into madness.
Yeah dude don't say that logic and One Piece can work, I mean they fed a gun a and swords a piece of fruit so that the gun can turn into a gundog, and the sword can have some sort of..flowery power
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This is the least outraged comment on this article. Thumbs up, spambot!
this spam bot uses its plunger to suck knowledge out of your face and...well...it turns out to be a pleasurable death.