The 11 Most Retarded Fictional Weapons
What would you give for a working lightsaber? Or, barring that, a pulse rifle from Aliens?
If we could make fictional weapons real, there's no limit to the ass we could kick. That's because writers and prop departments are usually pretty good at coming up with weapons too badass to exist. Usually.
Sometimes, though, they get so involved in making something that looks cool on the screen that they come up with a weapon that, in reality, would be more dangerous to the guy using it. For instance...
#11.
The Batarang
Used By:
Batman.
Why It Could Be Cool:
Because he's the goddamned Batman.
Why It Absolutely Is Not Cool:
We all know Batman loves to maintain a consistent theme. And we're fine with that. We don't mind that he calls his car the Batmobile, or his hideout the Batcave, or his computer the Batputer, because it doesn't affect his crime fighting. If he wants to have a cool bat screensaver or a bat-shaped birthday cake, whatever, as long as it works.
It was at the invention of the batarang that somebody should have intervened and told Bruce to spend less time worrying about every single accessory fitting the theme. Making your deadly boomerang thing bat-shaped makes it hard to store, hard to throw and, in reality, would be next to impossible to catch without severing three of your own fingers.
Look, Batman, the bad guys aren't going to care what your weapon looks like once it's lodged in their neck. Don't worry about it, you look fine. Quit primping, get out there and stop some goddamn criminals.
#10.
The Bowcaster
Used By:
Chewbacca.
Why It Could Be Cool:
It looks pretty cool, and considering Chewbacca can do a pretty good job of tearing your head off without a weapon, you'd assume whatever he's carrying is ten times as badass as, say, whatever Han is carrying.
Why It Is Absolutely Not Cool:
According to the type of people who study the workings of completely fictional weapons, the bowcaster is like a crossbow that uses two polarizing orbs to generate a magnetic field to accelerate the little arrows.
That's right. Instead of the hundreds of other energy weapons available in the Star Wars universe, this one decides to use a technology we gave up somewhere around the time we decided that being covered in mud and shit wasn't all that cool. Sure, the bolt is covered in a sheath of something called plasmoid, but then what's the point of having a little bit of metal in the middle of it? Why not just fire the energy? Is there some super-futuristic armor in the Star Wars universe that can stop an energy beam but not an arrow?
"Shit."
The bowcaster also has to be cocked before each shot, which would be fine if you were fighting the Senior Citizens of the Molasses Nebula, but can be bothersome when the enemy can fire unlimited blasts of energy at the speed of light. Hell, we're pretty sure that alone makes the bowcaster shittier than the guns you can pick up in an average pawn shop.
#9.
The Bowler Hat from Goldfinger
Used By:
Oddjob.
Why It Could Be Cool:
The hat does cut the head off a statue at one point. Though it could have been a really shitty statue for all we know.
"No wait! Use a watermelon or something to demonstrate your stupid hat. That statue cost me six dollars."
Why It Is Absolutely Not Cool:
Okay, we understand that even though Oddjob is an incredibly tough dude (we see him shrug off a gold brick to the solar plexus) he may still need to kill somebody at a distance and that this would require a weapon of some kind. There is no reason, however, for this weapon to be a sharp novelty hat.
That's what guns are for. And don't tell us he's never heard of one, or has some obscure religious aversion to them--Oddjob uses one earlier in the film. Even if he needs to be silent, there is this thing called a throwing knife. They came out with those about 1000 years ago.
This thing makes the Batarang well thought-out by comparison, as the only thing this is good for is accidentally slicing open your fingers about three times a day when you go to take it off your head. Go ahead and invent a circular saw codpiece while you're at it, Oddjob.
#8.
The Boxing Glove Arrow
Used By:
The Green Arrow.
Why It Could Be Cool:
What's cooler than boxing? How about long-distance boxing?
Why It Is Absolutely Not Cool:
When you've decided to be a superhero and you're coming up with a theme for yourself, you could do a lot worse than arrows. They're fast, deadly and let you attack from a distance without having to resort to the guns that are so frowned upon in the superhero world.
But, not content to stick to plain old arrows with maybe a flaming one every once in a while, Green Arrow thought he'd get innovative. Having quickly run through, apparently, the only three good arrow ideas in the universe, he wound up with glue arrows and net arrows and fire extinguisher arrows and a boomerang arrow. But hands down, his worst idea was the boxing glove arrow.
Looks like SOMEONE should've spent less time asking questions and more time not getting his ass handed to him.
The saddest part about the boxing glove arrow is that in order for it to be even plausibly aerodynamic, the boxing glove has to be shrunk down to about the size of a baby's fist. Now, babies are terrifying in their own way, but it has nothing to do with their fists and everything to do with their shitty diapers. Put one of those on the end of an arrow and maybe you'd have something.
#7.
The B.B. Gun
Used By:
The Blue Beetle.
Why It Could Be Cool:
What it lacks in firepower it more than makes up for in girth. Yeah, keep telling yourself that Blue.
Why It Absolutely Is Not Cool:
No, it's not the "BB Gun" you had as a kid, but is somehow even lamer.
The Blue Beetle's weapon was a bulky, oversized gun that shot compressed air and light. And because, apparently, his enemies include stray cats and his little sister, he gave it a totally unthreatening name: "B.B. Gun."
Now, we at Cracked wouldn't want a shot of compressed air to the gut (although on a hot day the B.B. Gun can be quite refreshing if aimed at the face) but we're not supervillains. Well, not tough ones anyway.
Though, in fairness, he's barely a superhero.
If you're throwing it down with some superpowered madman hell bent on ruling the universe, you probably want something a little stronger than a puff of air. As for the blinding light, a trip to Sunglasses Hut renders that feature useless.
Even if the enemy forgets his shades at the beach, all a blast of light is going to do is piss him off. Is it any wonder you hardly ever saw Blue Beetle use it in the comics? Even he thought it was useless, and it was freaking named after him.
#6.
The Triple-Bladed Sword
Used By:
Talon, from The Sword And The Sorcerer.
Why It Could Be Cool:
Swords are cool. It's a triple sword. That means it's triple cool, right? Right?
Wait, you're saying you've never seen this movie? Hang on to your asses, kids:
Oh, shit yeah!
Why It Absolutely Is Not Cool:
As amazing as that clip up there was, we're afraid it only made the triple sword appear awesome. Sure it's three perfectly aligned blades are awesome for slicing bread, but pretty much make it three times as hard to stab somebody.
Sure, as you so vividly saw, two of the blades launch (by compressed air no less) but where the hell do you find replacement blades for it? You know you're not getting that shit back.
You know, in the eighteenth and early nineteenth centuries, gunswords were an actual thing. They were rare, and as a rule were muzzleloaders, of course, but they didn't exactly suffer from the 'negative traits' pointed out in this article.
ReplyThe gunsword reminds a little bit of the weapon that Siricia attacked Meta Knight with on that weird Kirby anime. I think it was a small machine gun with an unfoldable blade.
ReplyThe bowcaster fires "explosive quarrels" (or however you spell that). While that sounds cool, regular blasters fire explosive energy packets. Is the quarrel more explosive? Even if it is, why the hell would you have to manually c**k it? Even if you ARE a wookie. I understand that it is a sort of traditional wookie weapon used for ritualized hunting but to actually use one in combat is downright stupid.
ReplyI think the point of the bowcaster is that it has a physical shot, so even if it hits in the arm it has a significant amount of force. If it doesn't pierce armor, it stager someone. That, and I suppose you could use it to jam things, or make some sort of grappling gun.
ReplyHow is the lightsaber not on this list? The blade is indestructible and all-destroying...drop that s**t, and you're slicing a hole straight through to the center of your planet.
ReplyWhich is why it automatically deactivates when it's not being held.
The Daleks do a lot more with their "plunger" than a hand could. Besides, the manipulator arm is an improvement compared to their own body...
ReplyPlease, if you took the time to research what Blue Beetle's BB Gun does, then you also read that even though it's compressed air, it packs enough of a punch to knock out an elephant. You saw that and chose to ignore it for laughs, ok, but that thing is more impressive than most of Batman's Bat-shark-repellants or whatever. Also, the Gunblade (not gunsword) in that game is used only as a sword (notice the long handle, which you ignored). The gun mechanism serves to produce a small explosion everytime you squeeze the trigger, adding to its cutting power. And, once you upgrade it, it becomes automatic.
ReplyI'd like to counter you about the BB Gun:
If it can knock out an elephant, then it has an equal recoil on the person shooting it, meaning that it probably would kill them pretty horrifically.
the reason darleks look like they are made from parts lying round a kitchen is probably because they probably are made from parts lying around in someones kitchen. the BBC has used this method for years for low budget but brilliant tv shows!
Reply#2 can be fixed with one word.
ReplyBayonet.
I've given an unreasonably nerdy amount of thought to the Batleth. It is definitely a stupid weapon. The blades are too short and curved the wrong direction to effectively pierce. The weapon is too short (though it could actually be held one handed) to be used like a halberd or a glaive (though I'm not sure if kronos ever had horses. Klingons probably ate them all) . And the balance of the weapon with the blade in front of the grip was probably awful. Unless you had an insane grip, any contact would would force the business side of the batleth downward and you would have to readjust your grip before striking again.
ReplyThe ONLY thing the Batleth seems good for is dueling with other Batleths in the way that a modern fencing foil would be useless on a medieval battlefield. All the hooks give you opportunities to disarm your opponent, and for a Klingon with 6 hearts or whatever they have, those blades probably constitute mere sparring wounds (unless you get one in the neck like Duras). The batleth seems like the Klingon equivalent of the foam jousting sticks from American Gladiators. The only difference is that at some point along the way some fundamentalist war mongering Klingon general pining for the glory days of the empire decided to bring back hand to hand weapons and get a lot of poor dumb klingons killed
Agreed with all but #2... Don't ever 'dis'a weapon that can both stab and shoot you, with one thrust and simple finger movement.
Reply Hide All See All 6 RepliesI figure that since most JRPG characters carry swords that's bigger then themselves it's a given that they have enough upper arm strength that the weight of the blade shouldn't affect their aim.
Never mind the stabbing and shooting bollocks, how do you plan to carry that piece of s**t between fights?
i believe the gun-blade is flawed however with a few modifications it could be the ultimate weapon ...actually it only needs one redesign the Handel that's it your not meant to aim it like a gun after you get the sword inside your opponent pull the trigger and BAM that's gotta hurt
Right when you stabbed them the gun barrel would be clogged with s**t and would misfire.
The gun actually doesn't fire. All the firing pin does is cause a shockwave to run through the blade, causing damage once it's embedded in someone. Also, when blades are locked, it's used to surprise enemies. Or in the videogame, it give you an guaranteed critical hit if you can press R2 at the right time.
@unknownbaddie: As for how you carry the gunblade, there's supposed to be a large holster that you carry on your back, providing many awesome, dramatic moments wherein the character can do a slow reach behind his head and, even more slowly, draw out the gunblade from its holster with a satisfying *sssssshlink* noise.
Dude, the The Bat'leth is a traditional weapon. Nobody takes those into actual battles during the Star Trek timeframe. It's like criticizing Marines because their dress uniforms frequently include a sword. Even though no Marine is patrolling Afghanistan with a sword on his side.
ReplyBut the clingons in the series do actually use it from time to time, sometimes without even an 'inactive phasers' bullshit plot device.
Uh... Klingons use Bat'leths all the f*****g time in DS9. There's a hilarious scene where the f*****g Klingon Chancelor is leading an assault on the station and transports wave after wave of Bat'leth wielding Klingons onto the enemy bridge only to have them mowed down by phasers.
What about Clouds big ass sword. it looks awesome but one gona carry around that s**t or even be able to effectively swing it.
ReplyI can't help but notice that you don't know Squall Leonhart's name, nor that his weapon is called a gunblade, leading me to believe that you're not incredibly familiar with how the gunblade works. It's explicitly mentioned in-game as being difficult to use, but Squall and Seifer seem more than able to kill their enemies with their respective gunblades.
ReplyNo s**t in a game they can, you know why? Because the people who made the game said they could.
OK, so not that I ever read the comics or have any idea who the blue beetle is, but wouldn't the BB gun work like a flash bang grenade? You know the grenades that SWAT and other law enforcement agencies use to pacify criminals all the time. Just sayin, seems legit to me. But like I said I have never heard of the blue beetle so maybe there was something in the comics that specifically stated that his gun was much more lame and less effective than the same weapon used by law enforcement officials.
ReplyNo mention of Tira's weapon from Soul Calibur? I suppose that this makes bladed hula-hoops useful weapons, instead of just badass.
Replythe gunblade wasn't technically a fantasy weapon. they were using melee/pistol combination weapons before they found america (along with variouse other things, king henry VIII's gaurds caried sheilds and morningstars with built in wheellock pistols) and they were rather effective.
ReplyYes, but back then your standard firearm took a little while to reload so the THEORY was to combine both into one weapon. The simple fact that 16th/17th century European Cavalry were armed with sword AND pistol should give you a fair idea how practical people considered combo weapons.
Something not many people bring up about the gunblade is that the way the handle is positioned makes it a less then worthless sword, want to stab someone? jerk your hand down and break your wrist. want to swing it? better angle your hand up if you want any distance... and break your wrist. want it to angle out akwardly? hold it normally
ReplyOne does not simply mock Daleks.
ReplyHello
EXTERMINATE THE Columnists also the "plunger" is more deadly than a simple hand . can YOUR hand hack into any computer steal thoughts from your enimes mind and much much more? though i do think there overall design limits them in the long run if they were humanoid and nimble the doctor could never deafet them as they are though they are still freaking powerfull
FYI that revolver and bullets in the gunblade that Squall had ISN'T FOR SHOOTING.... From what I remember, Squall uses the recoil or impact impact of busting a shell during an attack (hold R2 during attack to trigger critical dmg) to increases the force of the attack.....
ReplySorry for being suck a game freak =D