The 11 Most Retarded Fictional Weapons

What would you give for a working lightsaber? Or, barring that, a pulse rifle from Aliens?

If we could make fictional weapons real, there's no limit to the ass we could kick. That's because writers and prop departments are usually pretty good at coming up with weapons too badass to exist. Usually.

Sometimes, though, they get so involved in making something that looks cool on the screen that they come up with a weapon that, in reality, would be more dangerous to the guy using it. For instance...

#11.
The Batarang

Used By:

Batman.

Why It Could Be Cool:

Because he's the goddamned Batman.

Why It Absolutely Is Not Cool:

We all know Batman loves to maintain a consistent theme. And we're fine with that. We don't mind that he calls his car the Batmobile, or his hideout the Batcave, or his computer the Batputer, because it doesn't affect his crime fighting. If he wants to have a cool bat screensaver or a bat-shaped birthday cake, whatever, as long as it works.

It was at the invention of the batarang that somebody should have intervened and told Bruce to spend less time worrying about every single accessory fitting the theme. Making your deadly boomerang thing bat-shaped makes it hard to store, hard to throw and, in reality, would be next to impossible to catch without severing three of your own fingers.

Look, Batman, the bad guys aren't going to care what your weapon looks like once it's lodged in their neck. Don't worry about it, you look fine. Quit primping, get out there and stop some goddamn criminals.

#10.
The Bowcaster

Used By:

Chewbacca.

Why It Could Be Cool:

It looks pretty cool, and considering Chewbacca can do a pretty good job of tearing your head off without a weapon, you'd assume whatever he's carrying is ten times as badass as, say, whatever Han is carrying.

Why It Is Absolutely Not Cool:

According to the type of people who study the workings of completely fictional weapons, the bowcaster is like a crossbow that uses two polarizing orbs to generate a magnetic field to accelerate the little arrows.

That's right. Instead of the hundreds of other energy weapons available in the Star Wars universe, this one decides to use a technology we gave up somewhere around the time we decided that being covered in mud and shit wasn't all that cool. Sure, the bolt is covered in a sheath of something called plasmoid, but then what's the point of having a little bit of metal in the middle of it? Why not just fire the energy? Is there some super-futuristic armor in the Star Wars universe that can stop an energy beam but not an arrow?


"Shit."

The bowcaster also has to be cocked before each shot, which would be fine if you were fighting the Senior Citizens of the Molasses Nebula, but can be bothersome when the enemy can fire unlimited blasts of energy at the speed of light. Hell, we're pretty sure that alone makes the bowcaster shittier than the guns you can pick up in an average pawn shop.

#9.
The Bowler Hat from Goldfinger

Used By:

Oddjob.

Why It Could Be Cool:

The hat does cut the head off a statue at one point. Though it could have been a really shitty statue for all we know.


"No wait! Use a watermelon or something to demonstrate your stupid hat. That statue cost me six dollars."

Why It Is Absolutely Not Cool:

Okay, we understand that even though Oddjob is an incredibly tough dude (we see him shrug off a gold brick to the solar plexus) he may still need to kill somebody at a distance and that this would require a weapon of some kind. There is no reason, however, for this weapon to be a sharp novelty hat.

That's what guns are for. And don't tell us he's never heard of one, or has some obscure religious aversion to them--Oddjob uses one earlier in the film. Even if he needs to be silent, there is this thing called a throwing knife. They came out with those about 1000 years ago.

This thing makes the Batarang well thought-out by comparison, as the only thing this is good for is accidentally slicing open your fingers about three times a day when you go to take it off your head. Go ahead and invent a circular saw codpiece while you're at it, Oddjob.

#8.
The Boxing Glove Arrow

Used By:

The Green Arrow.

Why It Could Be Cool:

What's cooler than boxing? How about long-distance boxing?

Why It Is Absolutely Not Cool:

When you've decided to be a superhero and you're coming up with a theme for yourself, you could do a lot worse than arrows. They're fast, deadly and let you attack from a distance without having to resort to the guns that are so frowned upon in the superhero world.

But, not content to stick to plain old arrows with maybe a flaming one every once in a while, Green Arrow thought he'd get innovative. Having quickly run through, apparently, the only three good arrow ideas in the universe, he wound up with glue arrows and net arrows and fire extinguisher arrows and a boomerang arrow. But hands down, his worst idea was the boxing glove arrow.


Looks like SOMEONE should've spent less time asking questions and more time not getting his ass handed to him.

The saddest part about the boxing glove arrow is that in order for it to be even plausibly aerodynamic, the boxing glove has to be shrunk down to about the size of a baby's fist. Now, babies are terrifying in their own way, but it has nothing to do with their fists and everything to do with their shitty diapers. Put one of those on the end of an arrow and maybe you'd have something.

#7.
The B.B. Gun

Used By:

The Blue Beetle.

Why It Could Be Cool:

What it lacks in firepower it more than makes up for in girth. Yeah, keep telling yourself that Blue.

Why It Absolutely Is Not Cool:

No, it's not the "BB Gun" you had as a kid, but is somehow even lamer.

The Blue Beetle's weapon was a bulky, oversized gun that shot compressed air and light. And because, apparently, his enemies include stray cats and his little sister, he gave it a totally unthreatening name: "B.B. Gun."

Now, we at Cracked wouldn't want a shot of compressed air to the gut (although on a hot day the B.B. Gun can be quite refreshing if aimed at the face) but we're not supervillains. Well, not tough ones anyway.


Though, in fairness, he's barely a superhero.

If you're throwing it down with some superpowered madman hell bent on ruling the universe, you probably want something a little stronger than a puff of air. As for the blinding light, a trip to Sunglasses Hut renders that feature useless.

Even if the enemy forgets his shades at the beach, all a blast of light is going to do is piss him off. Is it any wonder you hardly ever saw Blue Beetle use it in the comics? Even he thought it was useless, and it was freaking named after him.

#6.
The Triple-Bladed Sword

Used By:

Talon, from The Sword And The Sorcerer.

Why It Could Be Cool:

Swords are cool. It's a triple sword. That means it's triple cool, right? Right?

Wait, you're saying you've never seen this movie? Hang on to your asses, kids:

Oh, shit yeah!

Why It Absolutely Is Not Cool:

As amazing as that clip up there was, we're afraid it only made the triple sword appear awesome. Sure it's three perfectly aligned blades are awesome for slicing bread, but pretty much make it three times as hard to stab somebody.

Sure, as you so vividly saw, two of the blades launch (by compressed air no less) but where the hell do you find replacement blades for it? You know you're not getting that shit back.

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