The 11 Most Retarded Fictional Weapons
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What would you give for a working lightsaber? Or, barring that, a pulse rifle from Aliens? If we could make fictional weapons real, there's no limit to the ass we could kick. That's because writers and prop departments are usually pretty good at coming up with weapons too badass to exist. Usually. Sometimes, though, they get so involved in making something that looks cool on the screen that they come up with a weapon that, in reality, would be more dangerous to the guy using it. For instance... #11.
The Batarang
Used By: Batman. Why It Could Be Cool: Because he's the goddamned Batman. Why It Absolutely Is Not Cool: We all know Batman loves to maintain a consistent theme. And we're fine with that. We don't mind that he calls his car the Batmobile, or his hideout the Batcave, or his computer the Batputer, because it doesn't affect his crime fighting. If he wants to have a cool bat screensaver or a bat-shaped birthday cake, whatever, as long as it works.
It was at the invention of the batarang that somebody should have intervened and told Bruce to spend less time worrying about every single accessory fitting the theme. Making your deadly boomerang thing bat-shaped makes it hard to store, hard to throw and, in reality, would be next to impossible to catch without severing three of your own fingers.
Look, Batman, the bad guys aren't going to care what your weapon looks like once it's lodged in their neck. Don't worry about it, you look fine. Quit primping, get out there and stop some goddamn criminals. #10.
The Bowcaster
Used By: Chewbacca. Why It Could Be Cool: It looks pretty cool, and considering Chewbacca can do a pretty good job of tearing your head off without a weapon, you'd assume whatever he's carrying is ten times as badass as, say, whatever Han is carrying. Why It Is Absolutely Not Cool:
According to the type of people who study the workings of completely fictional weapons, the bowcaster is like a crossbow that uses two polarizing orbs to generate a magnetic field to accelerate the little arrows. That's right. Instead of the hundreds of other energy weapons available in the Star Wars universe, this one decides to use a technology we gave up somewhere around the time we decided that being covered in mud and shit wasn't all that cool. Sure, the bolt is covered in a sheath of something called plasmoid, but then what's the point of having a little bit of metal in the middle of it? Why not just fire the energy? Is there some super-futuristic armor in the Star Wars universe that can stop an energy beam but not an arrow?
The bowcaster also has to be cocked before each shot, which would be fine if you were fighting the Senior Citizens of the Molasses Nebula, but can be bothersome when the enemy can fire unlimited blasts of energy at the speed of light. Hell, we're pretty sure that alone makes the bowcaster shittier than the guns you can pick up in an average pawn shop. #9.
The Bowler Hat from Goldfinger
Used By: Oddjob. Why It Could Be Cool: The hat does cut the head off a statue at one point. Though it could have been a really shitty statue for all we know.
Why It Is Absolutely Not Cool:
Okay, we understand that even though Oddjob is an incredibly tough dude (we see him shrug off a gold brick to the solar plexus) he may still need to kill somebody at a distance and that this would require a weapon of some kind. There is no reason, however, for this weapon to be a sharp novelty hat. That's what guns are for. And don't tell us he's never heard of one, or has some obscure religious aversion to them--Oddjob uses one earlier in the film. Even if he needs to be silent, there is this thing called a throwing knife. They came out with those about 1000 years ago.
This thing makes the Batarang well thought-out by comparison, as the only thing this is good for is accidentally slicing open your fingers about three times a day when you go to take it off your head. Go ahead and invent a circular saw codpiece while you're at it, Oddjob. #8.
The Boxing Glove Arrow
Used By: The Green Arrow. Why It Could Be Cool: What's cooler than boxing? How about long-distance boxing? Why It Is Absolutely Not Cool:
When you've decided to be a superhero and you're coming up with a theme for yourself, you could do a lot worse than arrows. They're fast, deadly and let you attack from a distance without having to resort to the guns that are so frowned upon in the superhero world.
But, not content to stick to plain old arrows with maybe a flaming one every once in a while, Green Arrow thought he'd get innovative. Having quickly run through, apparently, the only three good arrow ideas in the universe, he wound up with glue arrows and net arrows and fire extinguisher arrows and a boomerang arrow. But hands down, his worst idea was the boxing glove arrow.
The saddest part about the boxing glove arrow is that in order for it to be even plausibly aerodynamic, the boxing glove has to be shrunk down to about the size of a baby's fist. Now, babies are terrifying in their own way, but it has nothing to do with their fists and everything to do with their shitty diapers. Put one of those on the end of an arrow and maybe you'd have something. #7.
The B.B. Gun
Used By: The Blue Beetle. Why It Could Be Cool: What it lacks in firepower it more than makes up for in girth. Yeah, keep telling yourself that Blue.
Why It Absolutely Is Not Cool: No, it's not the "BB Gun" you had as a kid, but is somehow even lamer. The Blue Beetle's weapon was a bulky, oversized gun that shot compressed air and light. And because, apparently, his enemies include stray cats and his little sister, he gave it a totally unthreatening name: "B.B. Gun." Now, we at Cracked wouldn't want a shot of compressed air to the gut (although on a hot day the B.B. Gun can be quite refreshing if aimed at the face) but we're not supervillains. Well, not tough ones anyway.
If you're throwing it down with some superpowered madman hell bent on ruling the universe, you probably want something a little stronger than a puff of air. As for the blinding light, a trip to Sunglasses Hut renders that feature useless. Even if the enemy forgets his shades at the beach, all a blast of light is going to do is piss him off. Is it any wonder you hardly ever saw Blue Beetle use it in the comics? Even he thought it was useless, and it was freaking named after him. #6.
The Triple-Bladed Sword
Used By: Talon, from The Sword And The Sorcerer. Why It Could Be Cool: Swords are cool. It's a triple sword. That means it's triple cool, right? Right? Wait, you're saying you've never seen this movie? Hang on to your asses, kids: Oh, shit yeah! Why It Absolutely Is Not Cool: As amazing as that clip up there was, we're afraid it only made the triple sword appear awesome. Sure it's three perfectly aligned blades are awesome for slicing bread, but pretty much make it three times as hard to stab somebody.
Sure, as you so vividly saw, two of the blades launch (by compressed air no less) but where the hell do you find replacement blades for it? You know you're not getting that shit back. |
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Can't be bothered reading 363 comments to see if anyone else already said this so yeh.
Anyway, first of all, the Dalek's main weapon isn't the egg beater thing, it's the thing on their 'foreheads'.
And the reason that they have an egg beater and a plunger is because back when Doctor who was just beginning, the budget was super low, not to mention that special effects weren't exactly on par with the ones they have now. So basically they rammed a plunger and an egg beater on there (yes, they actually did use those originally) and hoped people wouldn't notice.
People did notice, but then they realised that although it wasn't very realistic, neither is a police phone box that travels through time, or a guy who can be regenerated with the same organs, brain and memories but with a different physical appearance. It's Science *Fiction*, yo.
i did actually see 'the sword and the sorcerer' when i was a kid, although i don't remember the sword, i'll never forget how that chick got her tongue cut out!
The Gunsword does suck. The ever-manly lancer from gears of war (gun+ chainsaw =awesome) has the same problem, but wait! no it doesn't! There's a little hole where you put your fingers through (do a google image search for "gears of war lancer" or something). however, if it is meant to be used as a rifle, why is there no shoulder stock? for CQB? (close quarters battle. as in, fighting in small spaces) isn't that why there is, I don't know, a CHAINSAW at the end?
Yeah, I'm basically arguing with myself here.
@laughing,joker: Pick a side and stick with it already. First you say it's meant to look cool, then you go haring off to the other side and say it looks like crap. What're you trying to do? Defend a completely idiotic fictional weapon while avoiding getting laughed out of the internet?
Not to be redundant but it is also the dumbest ass looking thing I have ever seen. the balence is fucked up and it even looks impraticle. It would be like swinging a sharp piece of rebar around. Likley to get your self hurt then hurt any thing.
brain fart please stop trying to justify weapons that where created to look cool. They in no conceivable form would be usable in the real world. The gun blade was created to look cool even though it really doesnt.
Modern sport fencing doesn't count for anything. The blades are absurdly light and flexible. They've long forgotten that they're supposed to be pretending that they're wielding deadly weapons, and it turns into a game of tag fairly quickly.
There's a reason why pistol grips and all the newfangled innovations in modern sport fencing didn't show up in period *weapons*.
Modern sport fencing doesn't count for anything. The blades are absurdly light and flexible. They've long forgotten that they're supposed to be pretending that they're wielding deadly weapons, and it turns into a game of tag fairly quickly.
There's a reason why pistol grips and all the newfangled innovations in modern sport fencing didn't show up in period *weapons*.
@Wyndam
Which sword? Rapier, longsword, broadsword, Chinese jian etc.? Pray tell which one has a revolver grip or even a curved grip.
@pikmintaro
http://finalfantasy.wikia.com/wiki/Gunblade
Wow. It says revolver and sword hybrid. AMAZING! *sarcasm*
I guess the writer of this article hasn't actually played Final Fantasy 8 since the Gunblade doesn't actually shoot Bullets when you pull the trigger it sends a tremor through the blade and that's it.
Although in Final Fantasy Dirge of Cerberus, Weiss uses some Gunblades that can shoot bullets although they look more like Katanas.
How you forgot two: the Mansumane from Final Fantasy VII and the Keyblade from Kingdom Hearts.
The Mansumane: Used By: Sephiroth dumbass; Why It Could Be Cool: It's thirty-feet-long and is a katana which are very sharp swords; Why It Absolutely Is Not Cool: You'd be lucky to lift it alone since it's got 30 feet of solid steel. And this is Sephiroth and he ain't exactly buff. Then there's the fact that the point will probably dangle before you can hit anyone so you need an extra hand on the blade itself which will make you eligible to join the aforementioned "I sliced off all my fingers with a fantasy weapon club."
The Keyblade: Used By: the now-homeless main character in the KH trilogy; Why It Could Be Cool: It can fire pulses of energy and can be used as a sword; Why It Absolutely Is Not Cool: Making your weapon key-shaped will in fact make it clunky and the momentum will more than likely send you spinning with it. So when you swing it you'll be eligible to be twirling like a ballerina. Sure if you're strong enough you could control but this guy isn't a 7-foot-tall viking who drinks the blood of his enemies, it's a 14-year-old klutz. It will not end well.
The writers of the new Doctor Who series have done an admirable job of making the Daleks more sinister. Giving them limitless flying capability, letting them use that plunger to suck up people's faces... the Daleks have come a long way from their first appearance, where the heroes defeated them simply by pushing them over.
I never thought of those things like that. Now every time see the batarang i'll laugh.
Awesome article, altho' I still think of the Gunblade as awesomeness, what with FFVIII being so f*****g good, and all. ^.^
Unless I'm mistaken the gun barrel didn't actually go up the length of the Gunblade, you can see this in the image you provided. Squall never actually used it to shoot from a long distance (most likely because it would've been awkward as hell to aim). Instead you would pull the trigger (press R1) as you slashed at the enemy to inflict extra damage at basically point-blank.
Love the article by the way. ^_^
@JohnLemon
have you ever actualy fenced? because most fencing swords use curved handles like the one in the gunblade, it actually makes them easier to handle and aim... of course the gun barrel still makes little to no sense...
Actually Oddjob's hat is coated in steal. If you touch steel it doesn't sever your fingers. However when it goes whizzing through the air at several mph than it is very deadly.
Frankly, I thought Kung Lao's hat was cooler.
A couple things to point out.
1. To those who credit the Bat-shuriken to the Christopher Nolan movies, go back and read old Batman comics, in particular, I can remember them being in "The Dark Knight Returns," comic, they appeared a long time ago. Also, you pretty much destroyed your argument about the Bat-arangs with this, "once it's lodged in their neck." so, you really don't have to worry about catching it. And last, it's not exactly fictional, there have been bladed throwing weapons around for a long time.
2. Think about this, what works better for cutting food? a straight down push with a knife or a sawing motion? This is the concept of the Gunblade, not "gunsword." There is no barrel, the bullet casings are blanks and are only there to release kenetic energy (you know how a gun kicks? that energy) into the blade making it move tiny distances very fast, I.E. vibrating, to help the cutting edge dig deeper into whatever it cuts. It is a purely melee weapon. This is also not entirely fictitious, as there have been combinations of guns and swords/blades, though not in this configuration, before.
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There was an episode of Deep Space Nine where they somehow disabled all the energy weapons on a planet so they could attack with batleths. Also, another cracked article about fictional martial arts said that experts concluded that the batleth would actually be a viable weapon.
The gunblade isn't actually a gun. The gun part just makes it vibrate so it does more damage.