A quick warning: Should you ever consider typing the words "William" and "Shatner" into Wikipedia, the resulting article is gargantuan, and you may not be able to find your way back to the surface. This man has seen it all, and done it all, so many times that he has long ago lost count.
After all, he's Captain Kirk. But that's old news. Skip down past all that geeky Star Trek stuff and sooner or later you'll be getting to the real goods:
"Shatner has been married four times: to Gloria Rand from 1956 to 1969. His second marriage--his longest marriage thus far--lasted 21 years and was to Marcy Lafferty Shatner from 1973 to 1994. The couple divorced in 1994. His third marriage was to Nerine Kidd-Shatner from 1997 to 1999. That marriage ended when his wife drowned. His current wife is Elizabeth Martin whom he married in 2001."
Note how casually the author has tucked in the fact that the second marriage was his longest "thus far," thereby giving the reader the impression that there is some sort of contest going on as to who can stay married the longest to "The Shat." Another 15 years with Elizabeth and we'll have ourselves a new record.
But it wasn't all fun and marriage contests for Bill Shatner. No, sir. After the original Star Trek series went gunnysack, he found himself wallowing in a little bit of a career debacle. Times were hard for our hero, and:
"Perhaps the nadir was his role in Big Bad Mama, prized by Shatnerites for his nude scene with Angie Dickinson."
The only thing more unsettling than the notion of William Shatner shooting a nude scene is the idea of some deranged individual actually prizing it. Also slightly disconcerting is Wikipedia's casual tossing around of words like "Shatnerites." It may well be that a narcissistic Shatner did not, in fact, write this piece, but for the sake of mankind let's hope that he did.
Shatner's article is such a swollen plethora of educational nuggets that it is actually rather difficult to choose. Here's one:
"Entrepreneur Richard Branson, head of the space tourism company Virgin Galactic, offered William Shatner a free ride into space on the inaugural space launch of the VSS Enterprise scheduled for 2008, saving Shatner $200,000; however, Shatner turned it down, and said, "I do want to go up but I need guarantees I'll definitely come back."
So, he could have gone into space, but he chose not to. Although he was more diplomatic about it, we all know the real reason.
You're trapped in a capsule with this guy.
Here's one more free Fast Fact!, for the kids:
"... in 2004, Shatner was a guest photographer for Playboy Magazine, shooting former playmate Deanna Brooks."
We're assuming Shatner was also naked at the time. Good luck getting that image out of your brain!
There are many winding paths a man can follow to greatness. He could build an orphanage, or perhaps write a symphony. But there is only one man in the history of history to have achieved greatness by screaming "yipee-ki-aye-ay motherfucker" and pushing Professor Snape out of a window. That man was this man:
Bruce Willis. Now, as we ease ourselves into yet another unnecessarily detailed Wikipedia article, we find that perhaps this one is not so wonky after all. It's just "Early Life" this, and "Career" that, and it seems, all in all, to be quite unremarkable. That is, at least until we stumble into "Personal Life," and find this little baby:
"In early 2006, Willis, who usually lives in Los Angeles, moved into an apartment located in the Trump Tower in New York City. In 2007 he purchased a condominium at 220 Riverside Boulevard at Trump Place."
Yes, the man's current residence is on Wikipedia, and if that wasn't written be a lonely Bruce Willis, it may be time for him to change the locks. If it was a lonely Bruce, than let's hope it found him some company. Perhaps it does add a nice personal touch, but what's next? Phone numbers? PIN numbers? Will the madness ever stop?
The answer is no. The madness will never stop, because:
"In Tokyo, Japan, Willis was named honorary chief of the cyberterrorism task force by the National Public Safety Commission on June 12, 2007. Kensei Mizote, the head of the commission, told Willis to "lead the world to create a safer society."
This leaves us all a little confused, and more than a little queasy. It seems hard to imagine that the above could be anything other than the rambling writings of Willis himself, after a particularly convincing Die Hard-induced dream. However, if the "cyberterrorism task force" is an actual thing, and Bruce Willis is in charge, we can only assume that his job is to keep an eye on the Internet and beat the living shit out of it, should it get a little ornery. Maybe even throw it out a window.
Yes, just like everyone else on this excruciating list, Bruce Willis has been busy churning out the albums. It all started in the year of 1987, with The Return of Bruno (which included the hit single "Respect Yourself").
Then, there was If It Don't Kill You, It Just Makes You Stronger in 89, and, of course, a greatest hits collection in 2001.
Believe it or not, it's an actual thing.