The 6 Most Unintentionally Hilarious Old School PSAs
If you want to know why your parents are the way they are, it's because they were likely raised on a series of deeply disturbing educational films.
Back before kids were raised by TV, these productions got shown in classrooms across the country, each one heavy on fear, but light on facts. As a public service, we've edited together highlights from some of the most hilariously bad lessons ever put on film. Take careful notes, or you might not learn that ...
#6.
Pornography Will Literally Destroy Civilization
As Learned From:
Perversion for Profit a 1965 film commissioned by The Citizens for Decent Literature, presumably as porn for people with a self-hatred fetish.
The film kicks off with host George Putnam introducing a series of firmly! exclamatory! facts! angrily shouted into the camera, then transitions right to twenty solid minutes of pornographic pictures.
"This'll teach 'em not to look at porn."
The "shocking" images are accompanied by helpful tips on where to find such filth, as ol' George breathlessly explains that, "They can be bought openly by anyone in drug stores, groceries, delicatessens, terminals, malt shops, cigar stores, news stands ... all over the country!"
Putnam points out that, "This same kind of rot ... and decay caused sixteen! of the nineteen! major civilizations to vanish from the earth!"
That's right, kids, the Roman Empire wasn't brought down by economic decline or Germanic expansion. The culprit was two-dimensional renderings of titties. And yet, Japan survives.
The film also implies that the sickos who buy Playboy will suddenly rape you and your children, and gives helpful advice on what to do if you come into contact with the stuff ...
Short of involving the police, George generously invites you to join his local chapter of The Citizens for Decent Literature. That may not sound like fun, but keep in mind that the man thinks anti-porn tirades should be accompanied by lots of pornography. Probably not ideal circumstances for boob-gazing, but before the internet, we'd imagine you took what you could get.
#5.
Homosexual Men are Bloodthirsty Predators
As Learned From:
"Boys Beware", a chronicle of the various ways gay men of 1961 stalked their young prey, courtesy of Sid Davis. The narrator warns that "the homosexual" can be anywhere, and he just isn't happy unless he's sodomizing a naive teenager.
This film helps those young, tender, blond boys recognize the dangers of the mentally ill homosexual, and points out some warning signs. Is the man being a little too friendly? Offering gifts? Playing basketball with you? Then he's almost definitely planning to dump your corpse on the pile of dead teenage rape victims in his back yard.
The film was commissioned by the Inglewood Police Department--which says a lot about Southern California cops of the early 60s--and shown to pubescent boys in classrooms across the country.
Strangely, in addition to all of the scenes of homosexuals snatching innocent young boys off the corner, our narrator implies that simply being the victim of "the homosexual" can get you in legal trouble yourself:
"Finally, Jimmy told his parents, and they reported it to the juvenile authorities. Ralph was arrested. And Jimmy was released on probation in the custody of his parents."
Sure, he got off with probation. But if Jimmy continues getting molested against his will, some hard jail time will apparently be the only recourse. What better way to break a young boy of his getting-mollested habit than sending him to prison?
#4.
Teens Only Learn Via Snide Criticism
As Learned From:
"Habit Patterns" (1954) and 'Body Care and Grooming" (1948), two delightful films that teach young ladies nothing brings out the best in a person faster than snarky criticism and sneering observations about their appearance.
Habit Patterns tells the story of "Barbara," who is helped along by the fairy Godmother-like narrator who admonishes her for sleeping in, eating quickly, drumming her fingers on a desk and, most unforgivable of all, being an awkward teenager at social functions.
In the most nagging tone imaginable, our narrator compares habitually late and disgusting Barbara to her OCD-riddled neighbor Helen. Of course, telling teenage girls to exaggerate their perfectly average flaws doesn't work in real life. But in a bizarre choice for an educational film, it doesn't even work in the story, which ends with Barbara dissolving into hysterics while the narrator sneers, "It's a little late for tears, isn't it Barbara?"
We're surprised it doesn't follow up with instructions on how to make a noose out of her belt.
Body Care and Grooming, meanwhile, is another film with helpful tips about appearance. Just witness the young man's reaction to the hideously disheveled coed who dares to stand next to him.
He marches off while the helpful narrator berates the woman for not making the man "behave like a human being."
"Disgusting."
Trust us, young lady. Nothing will make Joe College angrier than the sight of rumpled bobby socks. And you wouldn't like Joe College when he's angry.
Well, look on the bright side--at least you're not a pothead. Because as we'll soon find out, that can lead to only one thing ...
LMFAO in History class we watched Duck and Cover!
ReplyJohn Locke's dad? That's Fireman Roy DeSoto!
Replyin defense of duck and cover if you are not killed instantly the greatest danger is the massive amount of alpha radiation and ultra violet light which can be blocked with a thin blanket the gamma and beta dissipate pretty quickly and ducking under a desk can help if the buuilding you are in is structurally damaged
ReplyDucking and covering is better than standing there, staring at the bright light. That's about all you can say for it if you are at ground zero. If you are far away from it, where you are trying to keep from getting hit by debris, or breathing dust carrying minute particles from the actual bomb, until emergency workers get to you with air tanks and decontamination kits, it's a better idea than pretending nothing happened. It's not like you are supposed to duck and cover for an hour, then go on as usual. You are supposed to do it in hope that it saves you until rescue workers get to you, which may or may not happen-- but definitely won't if you stand out in the yard like an idiot.
The thing is, most people's reaction if they hear an explosion is to run from a relatively safe place, like inside a building, to a less safe place, like outside, to see what just blew up (if you were in Manhattan on 9/11/2001, you know this). The main thing duck and cover could do was to minimize that.
It sounds lame now, because we think in terms of a nuclear attack that would pretty much waste the whole planet, which by the mid-1980s, was possible (or, at least, we were told it was). Duck and cover was meant for a situation where a single bomb like the one that hit Hiroshima, hit somewhere in the US.
Really, the Cold War hysteria of the movie, more than the uselessness of duck and cover, is what seems funny to me.
Suddenly many of my grandparents' habits become so clear...
ReplyWhen I watched 'Our Cities must fight' i was immediately reminded of the great words of my personal hero,Daffy Duck "I may be a chicken..but I'm a *live* chicken!"
ReplyI keep waiting for that last narrator to say that woman is Billy sister,and Billy's dad is a fudge packer.
ReplyThe only way homosexuality brought down Rome was if the Vandals all came in riding side saddle,scared shitless of actually fighting anyone bc they were afraid to break a nail.
Replywhere the hell is "reefer madness"?!? my god, how did you miss the greatest psa of all?
ReplyWell, Reefer Madness was more of a movie than a PSA/short-film shown before the feature.
On YouTube: Lewis Black says everything that needs to be said on #1
Reply/watch?v=5Krv4YEMwCE
lol. "And I thought wow! If this was a real attack, when the all clear sounded I could get up and go out to the playground and melt!"
And once again another Cracked article cops out with a reference even I already know of.
ReplyWay to mention the MST3K short without mentioning MST3K. Subtle!
Replyso radiation can't harm you after 1 and a half minuets... I guess hirshima was just full of babies....
ReplyI'm a little saddened to see no 'reefer madness' on the list though...
Apparently all drug-dealers in the 1950's looked like Abraham Lincoln. Curse you "Honest Abe" for corrupting our children!
ReplyI specifically remember being 11 and learning about "duck and cover" and asking my mom how that was going to help anyone if a bomb fell on the school. Seriously, these kids did it without questioning the stupidity? If it was clear to me at 11 that it made no sense, it had to be clear to those kids doing the drills. My mom and dad are old enough to have done the actual drills in school. Why prepare the kids like that? Just tell them in the event of being informed that a nuclear missle would hit in a matter of minutes, to let hell break loose, like it actually would in a situation like that, no matter how many times they had practiced duck and cover.
Reply Hide All See All 4 Repliesback then, the kids may not have actually known. Besides, why would their teachers lie? This probably actually did help morale, like a big "don't worry, everything will be okay" to the nations kids.
Ditto. We "ducked and covered" when I was in grade school. We also did the drill wherein we were hurried into the basement, then directed to sit with our backs to the wall, in the fetal position. This was our "tornado" drill, imprinted sharply, since the warning siren for the entire town was right across the street from our elementary school.
Both my grandparents told me they thought having to hide under the desks was ridiculous. They knew if a bomb dropped a desk wouldn't save their lives. But they also told me they were too scarred shitless of the teachers to openly question them.
Look at the world we live in. TSA would be a prime example of the same thinking alive and well. People want to feel safer even if that safety is a thin illusion. The truth (as I think everyone here knows) is that if a nuclear weapon hit close to where you were you'd be dead before duck and cover crossed your mind. But telling people theres something you can do reassures them. It makes them think they'll be ok. As a species many of us prefer a comforting lie to the actual truth.
that guy from #3 was the owner of the Double Deuce in Roadhouse. Also, I don't want to be a square, so you better get me some of that heroin, stat! "Forget it man and get with countdown. Shake this square world and blast off to Kicksville" Oh, how I wish people talked this. Now excuse me while I catch the H-train to Kicksville
Reply"Well, look on the bright side--at least you're not a pothead. Because as we'll soon find out, that can lead to only one thing..." Everquest?
ReplyThe last line is the BEST - and sums it up perfectly !
ReplyShake Hands With Danger is the Citizen Kane of work safety videos (sorry if I stole that from somewhere)!
ReplyIn the porn narrators defense, it looks like he's trying hard not to laugh.
ReplyI think the moral to #5 should have been: don't go under a pier for a shortcut home! It's full of water and will probably only shave a few moments off of your travel time.
Reply