The 6 Biggest Assholes in the Animal Kingdom
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#3.
African Bat-Bug
Is the bat-bug the tiny caped crusading defender of the insect kingdom? After watching his parents being murdered right in front of his eyes with a can of Raid did he swear a one bug war against crime and corruption? Well, no, obviously not, but trust us, we liked this bug better when we thought it was a pocket sized version of Batman. Why Are They Assholes? Let's put it bluntly: bat-bugs hate vaginas. Oh, they like the ladies, their race would have gone extinct quite a while ago otherwise. They just really hate vaginas.
Despite the fact that batgirl-bugs have perfectly working bug-vaginas -- not that we know from personal experience mind you, but the guys that study bug vaginas say so--bat-bugs just don't like to insert their penis there. So, what do they do? They take their sharp hard-ons, stab the females in the abdomen, and inject their sperm into their bloodstream. They like to do that so much they sometimes even do it to other male bat-bugs.
Of course there must be a good reason they go through all that trouble, right? Well, not really. Scientist just say they evolved a form of sexual sadism, which is just a fancy way of saying they are gigantic dicks who like to make others suffer with their penises. Or maybe they just have extraordinarily poor aim. #2.
Bottle-Nose Dolphins
After the messiah-like lions, the animal with the best reputation in the entire World is the dolphin, a sort of combination of Buddha and Aquaman. When dolphins are not rescuing swimmers from sharks, they are using their magical dolphin healing powers to make paraplegics walk. Why Are They Assholes? Besides also being among the smartest things on Earth, dolphins share another characteristic with humans: they're the only other animal that will kill for fun.
Back in the late nineties, marine biologists began to find lots of porpoise carcasses that had seemingly been punched in the gut until they died. After rounding up the suspects, putting them in the line up, the porpoise widow pointed at the guilty party: asshole bottle-nose dolphins. Porpoises don't attack dolphins. They don't even eat the same food, so they can't be fighting because they hog all the good fish. And the fight is not for territory, since porpoises are't just chased away but actually stalked and then killed. There are only two explanations left: either "Because dolphins think killing is freaking hilarious" or because "Dolphins kill porpoises as training for when they have to kill baby dolphins."
It turns out porpoises aren't the only animals turning up floating in the sea after meeting dolphins; the other ones being baby dolphins themselves. Some marine biologists believe adult dolphins kill babies for the same reasons lions do, to bang dolphin moms, except that there are reports of female dolphins also killing dolphin babies, which either destroys the theory or makes it much, much sexier. To make matters sound even worse, scientist say dolphins use their sonar to pinpoint their victims' vital organs so that they can cause the most damage when they hit them. Now, there aren't many cases of dolphins attacking humans, so at least there's that. But dolphins violently humping humans? Hell yeah! Okay, that dude was asking for it. #1.
Chimpanzees
Chimpanzees are our closest relatives, and they have 95% of the same genes we do. So close that most people like to think they are hairier, kinder, funnier, smaller versions of us who like to test our space rockets. It's apparently that other 5% that's the problem... Why Are They Assholes? Being almost people, it's no surprise chimps regularly kill other chimps for territory and natural resources, with entire chimp tribes going at it. But to make it onto this list, they had to do something that goes beyond regular animal savagery and right into horror movie stuff. The horror movie in question is of course Italian classic, Cannibal Holocaust.
Chimps, you see, have a tendency to suddenly grab a baby chimp from its mother's arms and chow down, sharing the meal with the entire group. Well, except for the mom, who presumably prefers to stay in a corner screaming: "Holy shit! Holy shit!" It's even freakier when you find out that chimps normally are not all that much into eating meat. Chimpologists have a few theories as to why (it almost has a ceremonial quality, some have said), but frankly they all sound like they're making half assed guesses.
Perhaps we're over-thinking it, and it's simply that chimp-babies are delicious. Either way, baby-eating is sort of a dick move. For some animals that are way more terrifying than you might suspect check out The 6 Cutest Animals That Can Still Destroy You. Or find out about The 5 Most Horrifying Bugs in the World. |
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What makes ants even scarier is that 99% of each colony is female, so they're basicly Amazon wars.
I think the Asian Giant Hornet & African Killer Bee deserve a shared place on this list. They're guilty of the same s**t.
Dolphins also screw for fun, but they're total racists. Speaking of racists, I hear Chimps actively hunt & eat certain species of Monkey.
There's a video out there of the killer dolphins some tourists took. The thought the dolphins were playing, until they showed it to a marine biologist. He nearly wet himself when he found out what they had. It was the only known tape of dolphins tossing a porpoise around and beating it to death.
f*****g ants
http://theworldisretarded.wordpress.com/
Man, I was SURE the praying mantis would be some where on this list.
The ants having a dance-off instead of fighting is more of a West Side Story thing, really. Hey, there's an idea! West Side Story for ants! I'm thinking John Travolta in an ant costume...can't look worse than his Battlefield Earth outfit.
HA! i told you! I SO EFFING TOLD YOU! ants are effing scary and will take over the world one day... its all right here!!! watch my friends as you all get taken down by the mighty ants, and all the while im missing because the aliens have saved me because im so effing smart!! lol... damn you friends, not reading cracked!
a lot of birds do the whole 'IMA TAKE OVER YOUR NEST... YOU BETTER FEED ME' thing
You can add the Knight Anole to this list. Most anoles are about 8 inches long and basically harmless to everything but crickets, roaches, etc. Knight anoles can reach over two feet long and attack snakes out of spite. Or anything resembling a snake, like a garden hose. As soon as it sees its victim, the lizard jumps on the snake and basically rips its head off...before leaving. Knight anoles don't prey on snakes, they eat insects and smaller anoles (including young knight anoles that are to stupid to run like hell)
The accepted theory is that since a large snake can and probably will eat a knight anole if it can catch one (actually, a big if), knight anoles kill the snake before it gets a chance, not giving a s**t about whether the 'snake' is actually a threat, as many mangled garden hoses can attest.
And it's not like snakes normally have a good chance of eating them anyway; knight anoles are fairly large, have sharp teeth, a serrated keel on their tails, sharp claws, can change color a bit (like all species of anole) and can run scross water like a basilisk if it's threatened enough. But no, their first instinct on seeing anything long and skinny is to rip its head off.
Alexicon, Cats don't kill things for fun. Domestic cats repeatedly catch and release small animals (Cat-and-mouse) because cats in captivity are well-fed. Cats recieve two different hunting signals: Movement of small animals (mice, bugs, lizards) triggers and impulse to chase and pounce on the prey, but the signal to actually KILL the prey is driven by hunger. So the cats sees something move and pounces on it, but isn't hungary; so it just stops caring about whatever the prey is, and relaxes its grip. This allows the prey to wriggle free. At which point it tries to dart away, and the movement once again triggers the pouncing reflex, starting the whole cycle over again. This cycle eventually ends either when the prey can fully escape, the cat gets hungry and eats it or, usually, the prey dies from the stress it's being put under.
So cats aren't really mean, they're just dumb.
Chimps love meat... they actively hunt several species, including large rodents and colobus monkeys, for the purpose of getting meat to eat.
Chimps will also attack the eyes, hands, feet, and genitals when fighting.
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"what's that Flipper?...Little Timmy is in trouble?...And you just bludgeoned a porpoise to death for no reason whatsoever?...Again?...What the hell is wrong with you?!??!"
I think the only way we can answer that last question there about the chimps is to get two ourselves. One would be for raising as he would grow up to wear little clothes and go on adventures with me (to help me get laid). He could also drive my car when I'm really stoned. The other one we would cook and eat.
Male tigers have been known to bite the heads off of tiger cubs in order to get the mother to come in to estrus again.
Lark Buntings: These little feathered assholes form rape mobs that chase down fertile females from other males' territories and try to copulate with them. This is a fairly new discovery headed up by Bruce Lyon of UC Santa Cruz, so there's no references to link yet. But seriously, two words: rape mobs. They even alter the coloration of their plumage while they're doing it to make them look more masculine and aggressive.
Rape mobs!
When I clicked on this article, I thought: "Humans háve to be on top!" Turns out there not. C'mon folks, after writting the awesome Monkeysphere article, humans just hád to be on top of this list.
By the way, dolphins depicted as a mix between Buddha and Aquaman? I think Aquaman would've killed someone for the awesome superpower to be able to locate internal organs with sonar. Same with zombies.
O and ants aren't douchebags, they're just friggin' awesome. I mean, if we would even be 10% like ants we would've conquered the galaxy by now ;)
Chimps also go to war :P they usually go in groups of 5-ish into enemy territory to find and kill members of the pack that live there.
Also cats kill for fun. Pretty sure other some other animals do it as well.
Ps : Dolphins are so smart they know we are about the same level on the Bastard-scale and they like us for it.
That's why they save us from time to time :P
Lol, love it, the two closet things to us in intelligence are also gigantic douchebags to everything else around them.
You see? It's freakin' evolution!
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Dolphins are also kinky sex maniacs. Dolphin foreplay involves hitting, ramming into, and biting the female in question, making dolphins less like Aquaman and more like Mike Tyson.
Wheelz, lord of all he surveys (would you like to see a new movie starring George Went?)