The 6 Biggest Assholes in the Animal Kingdom
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#3.
African Bat-Bug
Is the bat-bug the tiny caped crusading defender of the insect kingdom? After watching his parents being murdered right in front of his eyes with a can of Raid did he swear a one bug war against crime and corruption? Well, no, obviously not, but trust us, we liked this bug better when we thought it was a pocket sized version of Batman. Why Are They Assholes? Let's put it bluntly: bat-bugs hate vaginas. Oh, they like the ladies, their race would have gone extinct quite a while ago otherwise. They just really hate vaginas.
Despite the fact that batgirl-bugs have perfectly working bug-vaginas -- not that we know from personal experience mind you, but the guys that study bug vaginas say so--bat-bugs just don't like to insert their penis there. So, what do they do? They take their sharp hard-ons, stab the females in the abdomen, and inject their sperm into their bloodstream. They like to do that so much they sometimes even do it to other male bat-bugs.
Of course there must be a good reason they go through all that trouble, right? Well, not really. Scientist just say they evolved a form of sexual sadism, which is just a fancy way of saying they are gigantic dicks who like to make others suffer with their penises. Or maybe they just have extraordinarily poor aim. #2.
Bottle-Nose Dolphins
After the messiah-like lions, the animal with the best reputation in the entire World is the dolphin, a sort of combination of Buddha and Aquaman. When dolphins are not rescuing swimmers from sharks, they are using their magical dolphin healing powers to make paraplegics walk. Why Are They Assholes? Besides also being among the smartest things on Earth, dolphins share another characteristic with humans: they're the only other animal that will kill for fun.
Back in the late nineties, marine biologists began to find lots of porpoise carcasses that had seemingly been punched in the gut until they died. After rounding up the suspects, putting them in the line up, the porpoise widow pointed at the guilty party: asshole bottle-nose dolphins. Porpoises don't attack dolphins. They don't even eat the same food, so they can't be fighting because they hog all the good fish. And the fight is not for territory, since porpoises are't just chased away but actually stalked and then killed. There are only two explanations left: either "Because dolphins think killing is freaking hilarious" or because "Dolphins kill porpoises as training for when they have to kill baby dolphins."
It turns out porpoises aren't the only animals turning up floating in the sea after meeting dolphins; the other ones being baby dolphins themselves. Some marine biologists believe adult dolphins kill babies for the same reasons lions do, to bang dolphin moms, except that there are reports of female dolphins also killing dolphin babies, which either destroys the theory or makes it much, much sexier. To make matters sound even worse, scientist say dolphins use their sonar to pinpoint their victims' vital organs so that they can cause the most damage when they hit them. Now, there aren't many cases of dolphins attacking humans, so at least there's that. But dolphins violently humping humans? Hell yeah! Okay, that dude was asking for it. #1.
Chimpanzees
Chimpanzees are our closest relatives, and they have 95% of the same genes we do. So close that most people like to think they are hairier, kinder, funnier, smaller versions of us who like to test our space rockets. It's apparently that other 5% that's the problem... Why Are They Assholes? Being almost people, it's no surprise chimps regularly kill other chimps for territory and natural resources, with entire chimp tribes going at it. But to make it onto this list, they had to do something that goes beyond regular animal savagery and right into horror movie stuff. The horror movie in question is of course Italian classic, Cannibal Holocaust.
Chimps, you see, have a tendency to suddenly grab a baby chimp from its mother's arms and chow down, sharing the meal with the entire group. Well, except for the mom, who presumably prefers to stay in a corner screaming: "Holy shit! Holy shit!" It's even freakier when you find out that chimps normally are not all that much into eating meat. Chimpologists have a few theories as to why (it almost has a ceremonial quality, some have said), but frankly they all sound like they're making half assed guesses.
Perhaps we're over-thinking it, and it's simply that chimp-babies are delicious. Either way, baby-eating is sort of a dick move. For some animals that are way more terrifying than you might suspect check out The 6 Cutest Animals That Can Still Destroy You. Or find out about The 5 Most Horrifying Bugs in the World. |
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I have something to add on to the Dolphin bit. Not only do they love to kill their own, they love to torture poor, innocent Jellyfish - http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/wales/8308796.stm
i hear ducks and mink also kill for fun (...something other than for food or territory)
Agree'd xD Although, I lol'd.
Who pissed in MoonBlood's cheerios?
Two's clip reminds me of that time I tried to figure out how Dolphins reproduce.
Surprisingly (or not, since these are the internetz), the first hit to 'Dolphin sex' doesn't lead to a biology site.
http://www.sexwork.com/family/dolphins1.html
Chimps have done that with human babies too. Never forget that we're still a part of the natural cycle; we're just winning right now.
"Either way, baby eating is sort of a dick move" lmao. I would have to agree
Male lions don't kill their own young. They kill the cubs that are offspring of other male lions.
Then the females go into heat because they have an evolutionary imperative to have offspring, and the males mate with them. The whole point of this is pretty much the entire point of evolution: spread your genes as much as possible.
But I agree, if humans behaved that way, society would be fucked up in a major way.
"Well, your boobs are looking rather large and scrumptious today, care to f**k?"
"Um...no."
"Well, how about if I kill your baby?"
"Oh, well, then yeah! Sure!"
hey kindahuge,
is that what u call ur penis? hahahahahhaha
cuckoos = black ppl huh? funny...
i suppose you identify more closely with the african bat bug. Also swinging ur dick around, poking holes in societies, religions, cultures and pretty much anything ur penis seems to be jealous of. All the while not getting any p***y. hahahahhahahaha
"That way, the nest owner will feed the intruding little psychopath instead of actually raising their own young."
Cuckoos = black people?
That dolphin video was pretty funny (especially since, at the end, the dolphin looked like he was all smiles). Though the reality would probably be much worse (Guy: Hahah--HOLY s**t GET IT OFF ME!). They've been known to be incredibly aggressive while attempting sex (with humans and other animals along with other dolphins). It could even be considered rape. So yeah I'd thikn them pretty big assholes in the wild.
Hmm, maybe they save all those humans from shark attacks because they expect a little nookie afterwards?
Moonblood has some serious issues methinks.....maybe this article brought back some bad memories, huh, diddums?
If anyone has NOT seen Cannibal Holocaust--Watch it. That movie is...just watch. Warning: A Tortoise is ripped apart.
moonblood: damn, you're dumb woman.
MoonBlood: "while we, all of ONE species, has in all likelihood already committed every single one."
And proud of it baby! Team Human, f**k yeah!
It's apparently that other 5% that's the problem...
THAT'S A LOAD OF f*****g BULLSHIT! One, there's only been one reported case of baby-killing (Jane Goodall named the only two chimps ever known to have committed baby-killing Passion and Pomme. She couldn't believe it when she observed the cannibalistic behavior that had never been seen before.)and two, us saint humans have done it also. You may argue "Not everyone! It's rare!". Well, chimps can argue that too.
In fact, this whole LIST is bullshit. All these terrible acts you're wildly accusing the animal kingdom of are spread out over a variety of species, while we, all of ONE species, has in all likelihood already committed every single one. You're applying human moral laws to an animal's natural behavior that's none of our business, and not only that, but we already broke these moral laws. I rest my case. This article? BULL. s**t!
Dolphins are also kinky sex maniacs. Dolphin foreplay involves hitting, ramming into, and biting the female in question, making dolphins less like Aquaman and more like Mike Tyson.
Wheelz, lord of all he surveys (would you like to see a new movie starring George Went?)
What makes ants even scarier is that 99% of each colony is female, so they're basicly Amazon wars.
I think the Asian Giant Hornet & African Killer Bee deserve a shared place on this list. They're guilty of the same s**t.
Dolphins also screw for fun, but they're total racists. Speaking of racists, I hear Chimps actively hunt & eat certain species of Monkey.
There's a video out there of the killer dolphins some tourists took. The thought the dolphins were playing, until they showed it to a marine biologist. He nearly wet himself when he found out what they had. It was the only known tape of dolphins tossing a porpoise around and beating it to death.
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A professor of mine told my class a story of an attempted documentary of chimpanzees and saying how peaceful and non-violent they are. Only problem that during taping they caught a gang of chimps chasing down a monkey, killing it and then presumably eating it.