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9 Innocent Google Searches That Get Porn On the First Page

By Joe Nathan

Some say the internet is a cesspool of depravity, where even searching for an innocent phrase like "water sports" will return filth. But it can't be that bad, right?

Using Google Image Search, we tried some common and completely non-dirty words with the "SafeSearch" filter on and then off. What we found left us shocked, disgusted and highly, highly aroused.

To help our readers avoid at-work-arousal, we decided to censor the naughty bits with a disapproving nun.

God hates your boner.

Not that we should need to censor anything, since we're only searching innocent words like ...

#9.

"Eat"

Safe Filter On:

Right away, we saw how the Google SafeSearch feature is basically a dam holding back a flood of depravity. For instance, when searching for "eat" with SafeSearch on, everything looks pretty clean. Our first result is a miniaturized version of a McDonald's value meal which, surprisingly, still contains over 1000 calories. The most tantalizing picture is one of a couple sharing an intimate moment at an expensive restaurant.

We can only imagine that a seedy motel and a milk maid's uniform are in their near future. Now let's turn off SafeSearch...

Filter Off:

Whoa! Alrighty. We've still got our value meal as our first image, but the very next one is a woman in the middle of an ass cheek sandwich.

You think you're out of the woods with a tasteful 50s toddler eating, and them POW! There's our childhood hero, Elmo, partaking in some carnal pleasure.

The next row of pics kicks off with a wide open panorama of vagina.

Thanks, internet. We searched for the word "eat," and in the top 10 results we saw more genitals eaten than food. Not a promising start. Or very promising. We're not here to judge.

#8.

"The Great Outdoors"

Safe Filter On:

Why, a search for "The Great Outdoors" gives us a poster for the family friendly 1988 comedy starring Dan Ackroyd and John Candy! What could be more wholesome than that?

The raciest image in the top 10 is a model in a one-piece swimsuit advertising Budweiser. Surely this search phrase is more than safe for, say, the young Cub Scout in your home looking for camping sites. So let's take the filter off...

Filter Off:

First is still John Candy and Dan Ackroyd, second is some generic mountains. Then, the internet having dispensed of all non-porn images of the great outdoors, gives us a full frontal naked lady as the third result.

In the second row, there's John and Dan again, right next to an equally naked lady bending over (thanks, sluttymexicans.com!). In the top 10 results for "The Great Outdoors" the internet has delivered every inch of the female anatomy, and the boobs outnumber the mountains 6 to 2.

#7.

"Sunny"

Safe Filter On:

Ah, just what we'd expect. First pic for "sunny" is a nice looking beach with smooth sand, pleasant palm trees, a nice ocean view and no other people around. Beaches and the sun take up most of the results, in fact... but not all. For Sunny is a woman's name, and this is the internet.

In the first row of the safe results we still get this "frog-sunny" picture of a half naked woman squatting like a frog with words tattoed on her ass, which makes us ponder whether this is porn or a new amphibian fetish (which we will call Phibies). There is also a wallpaper image of porn star Sunny Leone which gives us an early hint about what we'll see once the safe search is off.

Filter Off:

Shove a dildo up our butts, we were right.

Speaking of dildos, it appears that Sunny and her friend Roxy above are enjoying one of their courses at the "lesbian training blog."

Sunny Leone makes another appearance in the results for wearing lingerie that is less revealing than what she had on in the safe filter wallpaper. Also note that the Phibie picture has moved up a few spots. It may not be long before we start hearing about Pond Parties.

#6.

"Small"

Safe Filter On:

Ah, now we're surely in a no-porn zone. A generic adjective like "small" has an infinity of non-naked possibilities. Sure enough, with SafeSearch on we get intestines, cars, fonts, a guy on a morgue slab and two women with the last name Small.

There is something else from this search that is also small: our hope for seeing any titties.

Filter Off:

One breast, two breasts, three breasts, four. Five breasts, six breasts, seven breasts, whore. In the first six results for this random, bland word we've got four naked women, an odd number of breasts and a picture of a small dick. Everyone wins! Except for the guy with the miniscule manhood.

#5.

"Big"

Safe Filter On:

Well, "small" worked out so well, we might as well go the other way. A lot of pictures of the ocean and waves, for some reason (because the ocean is... big?). Big game, big bang, big oil, and the smallest hint of a scantily clad woman in the second row.

Filter Off:

We were worried with this one. There's a lot of ways "big" can go wrong on the internet. So let's just click the button...

Wow. This ... this may be the holy grail of unintentional porn. Everything you need to know about the internet is displayed in the first five image results for "big":

Big Tits
Big Booty
Big Tits
Big Dick
Big Boobs

It's like the first row is having a big, horizontal orgy up there, and none of the 700-lb women we feared were invited. Scroll down the page and you've got "Big Hooters" and "Big Butts" and, well, let's just say there's an extreme close-up from sexylabia.com.

Okay, we're starting to think any word we type in that search box will get us a porn-splosion. Maybe if we just start making up words...

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105 Comments

I remember I once looked for a Cisco logo. Well, try googling for it without filter and marvel at the guy on the first page. Damn hilarious.

Posted on 11/18/2008 2:58:42 AM

im pretty sure this story is actually old. go to http://stuffididlastnight.com for full details

Posted on 11/15/2008 5:06:09 PM

I thought the Nuns and the Lord one was messed up...way to screw with Catholics =D

Posted on 11/14/2008 9:59:01 PM

Hmm... a bunch of pictures of castle walls. Totally unexpected. I'm glad you wasted my time with that.

Posted on 11/12/2008 7:44:37 PM

Do a search for "castle wall" with safe search on.

Posted on 11/12/2008 4:41:16 AM

AHem, I have a personal anecdote about this experience. When I was in 11th grade and the world of the Internet was new and fresh I was charged with doing a report on Orwell's "Animal Farm" so, what did I do? A web search! What did I find? The HORROR!! THE HORROR!!

Posted on 11/11/2008 7:39:29 PM

They dont have hood!!!! search it, u no u want to u pervs.

Posted on 11/10/2008 4:09:43 PM

First minute of Who's Nailin Paylin

www.TOKILLFOR.com

Russell Brand's crude remarks to Fawlty Towers Star on BBC Radio
http://www.tokillfor.com/view_video.php?viewkey=ed1b4baf7494d10ab9c9

Posted on 11/9/2008 7:44:03 PM

Google Marge and Homer with safe search off. Dont say I didnt warn you.

Posted on 11/8/2008 11:05:07 AM

In high school, for earth science class, we had to do a project on some prehistoric animals. I got assigned to do "conodonts". They're one of the first jawed fishes. I had to find a good picture of one. On the first page, I got a lot of the same pics that were in my textbook. On page 2 (I think it's still there), I found hentai. My teacher asked me what the hell I was doing and I had to explain how it wasn't may fault. THANKFULLY, she understood.

Posted on 11/8/2008 10:47:35 AM

Shove a dildo up our butts, we were right.

Hilarious

Posted on 11/7/2008 1:56:20 PM

a couple of years ago there was a story about a guy who kept his daughter chained to the toilet in some basement. I wanted to get the entire story and I googled "girl chained to toilet". CNN was not in the immediate results.

Posted on 11/7/2008 1:39:00 PM

Best boobs clips ever! Naked News! Russell Brand dissing old men about their slutty granddaughters! Who's Nailin Paylin clips! ALL FREE!

http://www.tokillfor.com/view_video.php?viewkey=bfa4055a7d13cd430dde&page=3&viewtype=&category=mr

Posted on 11/6/2008 5:01:04 PM

"Polish" also works.
Damn me for looking for a polish flag with safesearch off.

Posted on 11/6/2008 4:30:45 PM

That's right, Nic Cage is waaaaay too cool to be searched for safely. <3

Posted on 11/6/2008 12:23:08 PM

Thank you for allowing me to view porn at work and say, 'I just googled 'Sunny'! HAHAH

Posted on 11/6/2008 11:57:59 AM

It wouldn't have been nearly as hilarious without that stern nun staring at me, that just makes it hilariously awesome. First time in a long time I laughed (out loud, even!) at Cracked. Good show!

Posted on 11/6/2008 11:12:13 AM

The sad thing is? The moment I saw the "huge-titted cartoon puking a scarf" I knew exactly who it was.

Posted on 11/6/2008 9:10:14 AM

Remember this, Cracked: Rule 34: If it exists, there is porn of it. Rule 35: If porn does not exist of it, then porn will be made of it.

Posted on 11/6/2008 7:16:34 AM

LOL, did someone say porn? Weeee.

JIff
www.anolite.echoz.com

Posted on 11/6/2008 6:16:39 AM

See all 105 comments

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