6 Horrible Lessons Hollywood Loves to Teach Kids
Let's face it: TV and movies raised us.
So when we talk about the lessons Hollywood teaches kids, don't tell us it's all harmless fantasy. For a generation with one parent in jail and the other passed out drunk at work, the lessons from movies were all we had. And as you'll see, most of them were bullshit.
#6.
Your Single Parent is Really Just Waiting for You to Set Him or Her Up!
As Seen In:
Sleepless in Seattle, The Parent Trap, Kindergarden Cop, The Mighty Ducks
There are about 25 million kids in single-parent households in the US alone, and a whole lot of them would like one of those cool dual-parent deals their friends have. Hollywood knows this.
That's why they love to show kids scenarios where they help their parents find romance (just ask the young Lindsay Lohan in the Parent Trap remake!). Hey, look, the new handsome kindergarten teacher just happens to be the ideal match for your spinster mother, and he's a former body builder to boot! The world is magical!
This one has a corollary, which is, "Your step-parents are always jerks who just want to spoil your fun.
In the Real World:
So the movies convince these kids they know everything they need to know to be terrific matchmakers. Now, how exactly how can we expect people who still think girls have cooties to understand the rules of dating? They don't even understand the fundamentals, like the importance of boobies.
So important.
What kids need to learn is that even though the lunch lady may seem cool because she gave you two churros, your dad is more likely to be concerned about her harelip than her mashed potatoes.
And no, it's not a good idea to try to reunite your parents by setting them up on an elaborately conceived "coincidental" meeting while you keep your evil stepmom occupied with childish pranks. If movies worked like the real world, we'd have had nothing but two hours of Lindsay Lohan crying off the pain of being flogged like a redheaded stepchild. Literally.
#5.
The Creepy Recluse is Actually the Nicest Person on the Block
As Seen In:
The Sandlot, Big Fish, To Kill a Mockingbird, Star Wars, Home Alone, Toy Story
The scary old lady in the old house, who's rumored to be a witch? She's really just a lonely, misunderstood old woman who just needs someone to talk to. The filthy, scary guy? The one rumored to be a serial killer? Just an eccentric. Why, getting to know either one of these folks could give you brand new insights that will help you mature and grow!
This one also has a corollary, which is, "The mythical junkyard monster is actually a big friendly dog."
In the Real World:
It's obvious that this theme is an attempt to teach kids not to judge a book by its cover. And that's great, but the problem is that sometimes the cover contains valuable information.
Looks (and is) crazy.
In the real world, kids should not talk to the scary man with the moustache, the eyebrows that connect and the windowless van. He did not offer you that candy bar because he is a former baseball star looking to regale you with tales of pitching against Babe Ruth.
And for that matter, in the real world, "Beware of Dog" signs aren't warning you that you'll be covered with Saint Bernard slobber while trying to recover your baseball. It means the dog's owner is tired of getting every time his dog bites off a toddler's arm.
In movies, investigating the scary places always works out for kids. And sure, we should reward bravery, open-mindedness and curiosity. But Hollywood might mention that visiting the creep who walks around in a clown suit sometimes just wins you the chance to appear on a milk carton.
#4.
Dares Are Serious Business!
As Seen In:
A Christmas Story, How To Eat Fried Worms, Back to the Future
In movie land, a kid who doesn't live up to a dare is ostracized from the kid community forever. A dare is like a contract. One he never signed, and had never agreed to prior to being told he had to live up to it. But God help the kid who backs down!
In the Real World:
The best possible outcome of taking a dare is winning the adulation of a bunch of people not known for their long memories. If they do somehow remember it, you won't go down as the tough kid who had the courage to meet the ultimate dare. You'll just be remembered as that weirdo who, under mild peer pressure, once ate a dog turd.
(It's just a melted Snickers bar.)
Kids don't exactly have good judgment anyway (another reason they're not allowed to run for office) but having Hollywood depict the guy who eats a handful of earthworms as some kind of schoolwide hero is not going to help the situation.
Of course dares are just lazy devices for screenwriters to get a kid in a ridiculous situation. Sure, they'd like to teach kids to stand up to a crowd of dumbasses, but then how are they supposed to get the main character's head stuck in a toilet? They can either give him a near-psychotic aversion to being called chicken or rewrite the character to be functionally retarded. So, yeah, basically one option.
Don't you...forget about me! Don't, don't, don't you...forget about me!
Replyyou forgot milk money for #6
Replyregarding nr2 and home alone... its not marv and harrys cunning thats unusual, its kevins cunning.
Replybasically the thieves are not dumb, the kid is just a smart brightass...
in home alone 2 a gun is showed in his face (sure filled with tar but still) and they also mention that "santa claus doesnt visit graveyards, so no marv and harry aint stupid (well harry isnt) but kevin is deceptive as hell.
nr 1 isnt just hollywood... thats the same story the "adults" tell you...gah and im 18 now....
Replybtw i had to read nr2 in order to get the milk joke... on my countrys milk cartons weve got contests, info on the milk and advertisements.
"In the real world, the bully wins."
ReplyTruest.
Not always, but in general, yes.
Biff lives with his grandma...
Reply#2 is true if it was not exsplen bin latun
ReplyAnyone who actually knows a thing or two about bullying knows that there's a lot of truth to the idea that kids who are bullies may come from unfortunate backgrounds. #1 is kind of right and it's a lesson kids can gain from learning. Some bitter writer on cracked seems to think there's little devil kids out there. Watched the Omen too many times?
ReplyYes, a lot of bullies are/have been abused. But 1. that doesn't make what they're doing any less wrong or less likely to harm others and 2. you can't solve their problems just by "understanding" them or "getting back at" their parents. If they're Bender's age, or Draco at the end of the series, and still behaving like that, you can pretty much assume they have a personality disorder or two and are unlikely to change no matter what you do.
I was bullied out of school and stuff and then I somehow ended up in a non main stream school, I had to go back to my school so I can do a different course and now no-one messes with me for going to the rebel school, plus learning karate helps. Maybe punching that idiot who stole my hat helped but whatever.
ReplyLearning karate? Gee, where have I heard that before...
Learning karate? Gee, that seems awfully familiar...
That being said, I was 6 ft. tall in eighth grade, and had to shave in the 6th, so its not like anybody f***ed with me anyway, so I'm not very well informed on this subject. I'm not bragging, just stating a fact. To be honest, though, in my school we didn't have cliques. People did tend to hang out in groups, but there really wasn't any of the typical drama you see in most schools. A Columbine scenario just wasn't possible at my school. To this day I can't explain why. I have a feeling its b/c we were the class of 2000, and partied to much to give a s**t.
ReplyYour school sounds a lot like mine was. We were known as Stoner High even three districts away, and we earned it. There weren't a lot of cliques because too many people were too high to give a sh*t about any social hierarchy crap. (I also graduated class of 2000...I wonder if there was just something about that year.)
In regards to the bullying, I've taught my daughter to find an adult, but don't rely on save your ass. They'll just become even resentful that you tattled. Now, I told her if some girl messes /w her, fight back. If its someone she can't really overpower, well, she's a girl, she has a purse, dammit! If its a boy, he probably likes her anyway, and if he doesn't, kick him in the balls!
Reply Hide All See All 5 RepliesFather of the year. Violence with violence. Sounds os much better than giving your daughter advice that teaches her to be mature and adult like. Sounds like these movies might be a better place for her to go for life lessons.
He has a point. School officials don't do sh*t about bullies, and the only way a lot of them will learn is if you stand up for yourself. If you don't drive them off, they just keep at it, but if you hit them enough, they'll find an easier target.
School officials should be informed that there is a problem, but unfortunately they rarely do anything constructive. But if they've been told, then at least your kid is less likely to get in trouble for fighting back...
And all girls should learn how to kick a guy in the balls in the most effective way. It's so much easier to run away from a rapist if you hurt him a bit first.
I'm not really against violence but just one tip - If its a boy, he probably likes her anyway - is not the best lesson to teach your daughter. Men hurt me because they love me is a lesson she's gonna have a lot of people trying to teach her through her life. Might be good if her dad wasn't one of them.
You should mix in some advice to go to adults if it's serious.
"That way you can rationalize the bad treatment without having to admit that you're 1) just physically weaker and 2) an insufferable nerd. That might mean giving up things that you enjoy, like wearing T-Shirts that express your opinion on the Greedo Shot First controversy."
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesNo, it is NOT a reason to give up these things. If anything that is more reason to KEEP them. Giving up these things is surrendering to bullying, and bullying should NOT be surrendered to.
and keeping them means you keep getting bullied. If some kid gets made fun of for going to school in flippers, short shorts, and a poncho do you think they should keep doing it anyway? Sometimes peer pressure can help people fit in.
@Destro9799 Conforrrm. Conforrrm.
Amen.
The easiest way to combat the issue with number one is to just help your kid understand that there are some people in the world where it's worth more of your sanity to just completely ignore their existence, and that it's OK to defend yourself if the previous point proves physically impossible, most likely by way of a confrontation.
ReplyI met LOADS of dicks in my life with BOTH lifestyles, and eventually came to the conclusion to just ignore the living hell out of them. Turns out the lesson on internet trolls CAN overlap on real life.
In 8th grade I stabbed a bully with a pair of scissors after he hit me with a 2x4, never had a bullying problem after that. Sometimes you just need to say; "FUCK IT" and take matters into your own hands.
Reply Hide All See All 5 RepliesSometimes even that won't work, if the bully can convince the teachers that you started it, or that you were the bully.
Fighting back sometimes helps, but it shouldn't be relied upon. We need either to have a better sense of justice in schools, or to give up on them and use distance education.
Or, to add to HFM's point, sometimes the teachers will watch you getting bullied, see that you didn't start the fight, and give you the more worse/worser/whatever (not sure how to add that extra to it) punishment just because. Even if you were defending yourself.
What kid's today need to do is report physical bullying to the police. If some bully breaks your arm or gives you a black eye, you can at least have the police investigate.
teachers almost always take the bullies side. Who do you think they'll believe? The popular star athlete or the weird kid who sits in the corner.
you have to be intimidating, or have some sort of thing going for you in the violence category, me for instance; I have a heavily reduced sense of pain, so, getting punched in the head doesn't hurt me as much, so I can keep fighting and hurting the person who pisses me off, if you have that advertised just a bit, than people won't mess with you in any way, because they're cautious, and, if they do, than you can just prove to them that you're not to be messed with.......so, in short, be intimidating, even if you're smaller and not as strong as the bully, once they learn that getting beaten half to death doesn't faze you, they'll back off. :3
ARE YOU f*****g CRAZY! YOU COULD HAVE GOTTEN EXPELLED OR WORSE KILLED THE KID! On the other hand, he could have killed you with the 2x4. I'm not sure who's side to take here.
#2 should have an article for the worst examples out there.
ReplyHere's a Horrible Lesson you overlooked that's fairly related to #4: Schoolyard Fights Are Epic/Decisive Battles.
ReplyYou know the routine: A kid is being bullied, and the bully eventually challenges him to a fight after school. Word of the impending fight spreads like wildfire, and before you know it, it's the talk of the entire fourth grade class. The fight happens with the entire class gathered to watch, and the winner receives the adoration/respect of the entire class, while the loser is shamed for the rest of his (movie) life.
In The Real World:
Schoolyard fights are usually clumsy brawls that happen instantaneously (usually when a kid has finally reached his limit with somebody else's incessant teasing/bullying) and are witnessed only by whoever happens to be in the area when they happen. They generally end not with the bully (or the victim) submitting or getting the daylights punched out of him, but with a parent/teacher intervening or the two fighters becoming too exhausted to continue.
If they DO end with somebody getting knocked unconscious, the result usually isn't the victor being crowded with enthusiasm by the other kids for his "victory." But with the other kid being sent to the hospital and the "victor" being sent to the principal's office and/or the police. And, if the fight ends in a stalemate (as most schoolyard fights do), it'll probably just be lunchroom gossip the next day and then immediately forgotten by everybody, except maybe the person you faught (who, to be fair, might finally leave you alone afterwards - I've noticed that a lot of bullies will leave you alone after you fight them, even if you technically "lose" the fight, since they probably still took a few nasty punches/kicks).
No kidding about dares. Eating something gross is one thing, but dares get way too serious sometimes. A 13-year-old girl tried to cross 8 lanes of freeway traffic, reportedly on a dare, last month. She made it across one before being hit and killed. I had to pass the scene on the way home from work.
Reply Hide All See All 4 Repliessomebody dumb enough to do that deserves to die.
no, someone as big of a p***k like you deserves to die you faggot.
Both faggots and pricks are perfectly fine and should never be compared to something as vile as craigm732.
Craigm, nobody, and I mean NOBODY deserves to die. Not even you for saying that. About the article, it is sad that people will sacrafice their lives for something that stupid. But I bet that girl helped stop others from following in her footsteps and dieing. God bless her, may she rest in peace.
Most of your list has valid points, but there were a few that were off base. Others have already mentioned that Draco Malfoy was not abused - just a dick. Bran, in Goonies, was not "pushed off a cliff", he was propelled off a steep road embankment, and it had nothing to do with the fact that he was riding a bike - it was because Troy the Bully (also not abused) hates him for the interest his girlfriend shows in Bran and how Bran obviously wants to date her. Dudes in cars and on motorcyles don't pick on people on bikes because they hate bikes and the people who ride them, it's because a dude on a bike is seriously outmatched by a motorized vehicle and vulnerable.
ReplyAs for dares being serious business, Back to the Future makes it a point to show how that notion is stupid and self-destructive. Everytime Marty gives in to his injured pride at being called a chicken, he gets screwed over - until the third movie where, spoilers, he finally learns his lesson and realizes it doesn't matter what assholes think of him.
Actually, Draco was kind of abused. His parents forced him to be evil to save face.
Thank you, I was bullied mercilessly at school and most of the kids doing it weren't the poor kids with the scum bag parents, they were the spoiled rotten kids who's parents let them do whatever they wanted their entire lives and never punished them no matter what they did.
ReplyHow well do you actually know these kids? A parents bank account means s**t in terms of how well they parent.
Naw I wouldn't say Malfoy was abused, he just was snotty because he was raised in a wealthy pureblood house hold. So he was prejudiced against poor people, muggle horns and anyone that wasn't in the Slitherin house.
ReplyEven then, though, he turned out to be one of the milder villains, as Half Blood Prince demonstrates especially well. His warped worldview was instilled in him by his father Lucius, hence more of the blame belonging to Lucius than to Draco himself.
Still always surprises me when I see one of his fan girls who claims he's just "misunderstood" and "only needs wuv."