The 6 Most Depressing Happy Endings in Movie History
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Let's face it: very few hit films end with the credits scrolling over dead puppies and weeping children. Movie audiences pretty much demand happy endings. But sometimes Hollywood slips one past us, giving us a supposed happy ending that is actually depressing as hell once you give it a little thought. For instance: #6.
Return of the Jedi
The "Happy" Ending: The evil Emperor Palpatine hatches a plan to defeat the Rebellion once and for all by telling them the location of his unfinished superweapon and then telling them how to defeat it. This plan goes about exactly as well as you would expect, and our heroes destroy the evil scourge with the help of some genocidal teddy bears. Wait a Minute... That epic battle at the end there? That only destroyed one base and a fraction of the troops the Empire had at its disposal. Sure, Vader and the Emperor were both blown up, but that wouldn't destroy the Empire any more than blowing up the Pentagon would dissolve the USA. What it does do is create a horrific power vacuum, in an empire with fleets of Star Destroyers and millions of pissed-off troops roving around the galaxy (even more pissed off if the payroll office and all of their checks were in the Death Star).
Soon these power-hungry military officers would no doubt form factions and destroy entire planets in their brutal attempts to seize power. Eventually Palpatine would simply be replaced by a new Emperor, possibly even one competent enough to devise a plan that can't be foiled by developmentally stunted bears throwing rocks. Sure, the Death Star was taken out, but that didn't exactly stop them last time. Not to mention that by the time they reach phase twenty-six of their patented "Let's just throw Death Stars at the problem until it goes away" strategy, [below] someone's probably going to decide that maybe the ship doesn't really need an unguarded, torpedo-shaped hole on the outside, thus allowing the Empire to swiftly conquer the entire universe.
#5.
Superman Returns
The "Happy" Ending: Lex Luthor fails in his attempt to kill Superman by stabbing him with kryptonite and leaving him in a shallow pool of water. Superman then stops Luthor's evil plan in a thrilling action scene that consists entirely of Superman holding stuff over his head. Having saved the world again, Superman says goodbye to his son and flies off into space.
Wait a Minute... And by "says goodbye to his son" we mean, "For the second time he abandons his crippled, illegitimate son." The whole setup of Superman Returns centers on earth's greatest hero knocking up his girlfriend and then skipping town for five years. The combination of human and alien DNA resulted in the child becoming weak and sickly, with Lois mentioning that the child was failing gym class (wait, what kind of PE teacher fails a five year old for having asthma?). Also, he has occasional superpowers.
So how does our hero respond when he returns and learns about his son? By breaking into Lois's house, telling him "good luck with the whole outcast thing kiddo", and leaving him alone. Again. So we're left with a kid who has: 1. Superpowers; 2. Gross genetic defects; 3. Good reason to hate Superman. We're betting that he's going to end up a supervillain, and you know what? If he takes on Superman we think we're rooting for the kid. #4.
Toy Story 2
The "Happy" Ending: Cowboy dolls Woody and Jessie manage to narrowly escape the clutches of a greedy toy collector who tried to sell them to a Japanese toy museum. Our heroes all return home to their owner, where they can look forward to a care-free future of being violently jerked around by an increasingly strong boy. Everyone lives happily ever after! Wait a Minute... Or, at least until Andy throws them away.
In the Toy Story universe, the sentient toys appear to be immortal. The film makes a special point that the toys don't age along with their human owners, so the best-case scenario here is that Andy keeps them around long enough for them to watch him die of old age. Of course, most people don't keep their toys around that long, and those who do seldom take them out of their original packaging. It's far more likely that they'll all eventually wind up at the bottom of a rotting compost heap, sandwiched between an empty pizza box and a copy of ASS! magazine. Forever.
Let's see Randy Newman compose a feel good ditty about that one. With a fate like that in store, it's no wonder ninety percent of all fiction involving sentient dolls ends with them trying to kill their owners. |
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Dont forget about the movie 'life' with eddie murphy and martin lawrence. The end shows how everything is all good because they are watching a yankees game, even though they are like 85 year old wanted escaped felons who have spent their most of their lives in a southern prison, run by racial biggots, for a crime they did not commit. oh well, nothing a $7 hot dog, and $10 beer cant cure.
If any of you Cracked readers/writers watch foreign movies, one of the most depressing happy endings is in an Italian movie called "Life is Beautiful."
Seriously...just wiki or google it. When i first saw it, I couldn't decide if I should be overjoyed or madly depressed. :/
The saddest thing about Return of the Jedi is that is spawned all those s****y expanded universe novels.
Office Space would have made honorable mention. Seriously, the "Happy" Ending is that Peter ends up working as a construction guy (he's happy for now at least) and his old buddies get to work for another software company, with another Lumburg somewhere else.
He could have at least sold magazine subscriptions like that black guy.
The whole plot of Toy Story 2 is basically woody realising one day he's going to die, and someone approaching him and saying "no, see if you give up all your earthly pleasures now you can go to a happy place and live forever" and him telling them to stick it.
Which is an odd enough message on its own, but then you remember that Buzzs character arc in Toy Story one was about him giving up his fantasy beliefs that star command were coming to save him and realising that he should be happy being just a toy.
I find it really funny that the message of both toy story movies is basically "f**k religion".
The best ending for Back to the Future would have been for Marty to have prevented his birth when he went back in time. Beautiful family, nice truck, no Marty.
I disagree with #3. It wasn't really a happy ending in the first place. It was more bittersweet because you realize the guy is near death at 18 already.
Homicidal teddy bears. lmao
You know, the KFC explains in the second movie that there was a perfect version of matrix where every human was supposed to live happy, but we ended killing each other until they had to rebuild the whole f*****g matrix and kill every single human left.
BTW, thanks for the boner, ass magazine.
This article must've been the result of someone with WAY too much free time on their hands and thought about stuff WAY too much.
Someone like me... but you know, who's funny.
GODWIN'S LAW!!! AHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAH!! Okay, comments over.
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@rafterman
You do realize the hitler wasn`t some kind of WWII emergency stop button, right? The war ended because the Nazis lost, not because Hitler died. The point in the article is that the rebels were still vastly outnumbered and outmanned by the empire.
The star wars part of this article, about RotJ, is really the source of those millions of books that are out there. There was a power vaccuum and anarchy and chaos, if you're nerdy enough to follow the expanded universe.
that star wars one would have been cool i think becuz when hitler dead all this nazies where running around like chickens with there heads-cut off now think of that but Stormtroopers and there and like they said "Soon these power-hungry military officers would no doubt form factions and destroy entire planets in their brutal attempts to seize power" that would have been a intresting movie (i bet it would have been a game not i movie :[).
Come on, rafterman. Chill out, it was an offhand analogy.
i love how you compare the Empire to America. hilarious are libearls. I think a better comparison would be Hitler to the Empire. There were many Nazis still alive, but Hitler was dead, and the thing was over.
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actually thinking back you guys are right about the matrix. f**k u neo, no f**k YOU NEO for ruining our computer generated lives for the real bullshit
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personnaly, i think Woody shouldve went to that japenesse museum instead of going home.
he couldve met a whole bunch of new toys (during the night) and he wouldve been admired for years...
aw well. at least he got that ASS magazine...